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I can't fucking do this. I don't understand at all. It's like my brain can only understand things in chunks and unless I'm there I don't get it. I hate my study hall because I don't understand the things I'm supposed to be doing in it and the teacher is a stickler for rules. I dread my contemporary issues class because I can't stand the people in it even though I love the class. I love my third period, but I don't understand what I'm doing right now. We're filming, but to me it makes no sense. I'd rather do actual hell work. I absolutely hate my history class. I don't understand any of it, it moves so fast. I understand, but I don't. At the same time, the teacher scares the shit out of me (see: big muscly male teacher with a deep voice) (see: the last time I had a teacher like this I had nightmares that he tried to rape/kill me) and I can't even get though his class without having to dodge an anxiety attack. I don't understand a word of the book we're reading for English so there's no way I can do the work. Chemistry and math are fine, I guess. I don't care for the students in my math class, as they're all judgemental bullies and assholes, but what am I to do. Cry on my own time. I'm just so overloaded with work and I don't understand things on a day to day basis. I don't want to be comforted or helped, it only feels like the walls are closing in and everyone pities me. I just want someone to hate things with. I want to be on the same level with someone. But there's no one. I've had dreams that I finally confronted my asshole of an ex best friend, but we all know that will never happen. I feel like an outsider in everything I do. I just want to crawl into the depression pit and never crawl out. Truly. I haven't wanted to be a recluse in a long time but it's like I forgot how to be happy. There has got to be something wrong with me. I'm happy one day and depressed the next. I have trouble thinking clearly. Why me.

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bliss is peacefully enjoying a night with your favourite people and not having to worry about anxiety

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Glow stick party in the dunes

@marlothemountaindog

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Today’s mental health reminder: a relapse, a sudden series of attacks, a string of awful days, (or whatever your step back may be) does not decrease your value. Take your time, do some self care, reflect on the progress that you have made. You are strong; one step back is nothing when you look at the journey you have already made.

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“This is Marcus Martin. You may have seen him in another picture- being hurtled in the air as a terrorist’s car plunged through the crowd of counter-protestors in Charlottesville. Marcus had pushed his fiancée, seen here hugging him, from the path of the vehicle before it slammed into him. After Marcus was hurtled over the car, the terrorist backed up over him. Miraculously he lived, a broken leg his only injury. This picture was taken at the vigil for Heather Heyer who was a friend of Marcus. Marcus was wounded standing up for what is right.”

thank you marcus. you’re a hero. ✊

[as-the-jaybird-flies-blog]

Lol social anxiety is sitting in the lounge at a bowling alley terrified that the manager hates you because you've been there three times this week and you always sit in the lounge for such a long time

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my life is kind of coming together but if I'm being honest I'm so scared my anxiety is coming back. it's always been here of course but it was under control. I'm obsessing again. One-track mind. When I'm not doing the task I'm obsessing over, I'm a mess. I'm a mess in general. I haven't done laundry in two weeks. I haven't showered in five days. I keep telling myself to do things but it's a while other deal to do it. I have no energy, motivation, inspiration. I'm avoiding people again. It's horrible and disgusting. I know that doesn't make me those things but it sure feels like it. It's like I felt alive and then just,, lost it. I don't feel alive anymore. I told myself to see every sunrise I could, and every sunset. It's good for my physical health and better for my mental health. But now my mental health has dropped to the point I'm not even motivated enough by the thought of improvement to try it. I can only think into the future. "When I get a job" "when I get my braces off" "when I get my wisdoms removed" "when I go to England" "when I can foster" is all i think about. I don't care that I have things right now. These things aren't living. I don't know what I want though, and that's the problem. Actually, I know what I want. I can't have it. I don't even have the power to get it. I just wish I could. I hope I find another way to feel alive soon or I might just go crazy.

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What Happens When Zookeepers Have Too Much Time On Their Hands

Via Bored Panda

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