ark-ana-blog

[ark-ana-blog]

Night Night V2

I want to go to sleep.

I want to wear light clothes that weakens the limit of what I can feel. 

I want to be tucked in under sheets that will keep me warm during the night.

I want to feel the safety of the sheets.

I want to feel the cushion of the bed beneath me.

I want to rest my brain after being experiencing the pain of the day.

I want to breath slowly as my heart rate fluctuates throughout the night.\

I want to become close to death.

I want to lose myself in the darkness.

I want to dream of a world friendlier than this one.

I want to escape the demands of those who I live in conjunction with.

I want to break free of relationships that tie me to a stagnant personality.

I want to see something I’ve never seen before.

I want to disappear in the night as everything stops.

I want to meet the end of the path I’m walking on.

I want to end this cycle.

I want to never wake up.

[ark-ana-blog]

Night Night

I’m awake.

I’m still here, just keeping my eyes open and brain active. For what? For what reason am I still doing this. I sit here typing on a keyboard in the dark as my roommate climbs into his twin sized bed to watch something on his phone for hours. 

The time is 11:52 PM. It is almost Friday, just 8 more precious minutes. What then? I’ll go to my two classes and head back to where I began. But what am I even? I have changed so much in these few months yet everything sort of feels the same. I have a new dynamic, with new people, but I feel one of them slipping away as another becomes closer. What now? What have I done, I ask myself. I ask myself that question. That question, right there. “What have I done?”

I’m not sure. I asked her something stupid. It wasn’t bad, nothing harmful. Just something stupid. The phrasing made it stupid. It changed the perspective. I think it made her colder to me. Like she can see something that’s always been there rendering her perception of my actions more cynical. Like she wants me out and gone but she’s just here and I’m just here and we’re both just here and we both need to figure it out. 

There’s some kind of connection, with this group, that I’m slipping on. I’m letting go of. Something I haven’t held before, something very new to me. I’m unfamiliar with how to properly handle and care for it. My experiences have always been an outsider going in, but now I’m part of something that only formed shortly before I joined. I’m there. I’m part of it. But am I really part of something?

That’s the question that fills my head. What is the value these people actually have in me? I don’t feel it anymore. I feel awful. I only feel awful. I feel awful and tired and broken and sick and horrible. I entered this group because I had intentions of getting to know a single person in on a personal objective of finding a relationship and eventually having SEX. All of this is started from tat stupid drive that people my age have, SEX. I want to separate that from the situation, though, because it distanced itself from it. I found that I wanted to perpetuate my involvement in the system because I genuinely enjoyed the people involved. They were more my speed, the type of person I have grown up to be, and for that I found a familiarity in them that I had lost moving to college. Everyone is so focused on drugs and sex and partying that I forget that there’s room for people like me who just want to get shit done and sit down at the end of the day and relax by watching youtube or playing a video game, not by jumping though a window with a drink in their hand.

But the honeymoon period is up. I’m seeing cracks in everything. I feel unimportant. I believe this is my fault. Here is why: I followed my desire for SEX.

Inherently, that’s not a big problem. It’s really nothing at all, people do it all the time. Sometimes they do it poorly, and sometimes very poorly and inconsiderate and honestly disgusting but this is nothing like those times. This was me trying to spin the running gags I had been running into the real source of where they came from. We’ve had jokes about kissing and holding hands and all that was wonderful and fun and everyone was smiling and laughing. Now, though, I botched it.

I had asked one if they wanted to watch a movie, and they complied, which was nice. We watched the movie, it was good. I think she enjoyed it. Following the movie, though, I posed the question. I asked if we could hold hands some time. Not exactly that way, there was in-jokes involved. She seemed...unable to take it well. There was definitely an emotion she had that she wanted to put away and she came up with a response that was very, very vague and unfortunately goes both ways in terms of “yes lets hold hands” and “no, gross.”

So fast forward a few days and I’m trying use my cute-funny physical jokes and she is just not taking it, there is an energy in her reaction that I hadn’t seen erupt in her before, at least no towards me. Since then, things have been down. Very down. Uncomfortably down. I don’t even want to interact with her in order to stop myself from perpetuating how down things are. I want to be friends but also keep as far away as possible. She doesn’t respond to my texts in the group chat, only the others. she B-lines for a specific member of the group every time we’re together, leaving me out. She doesn’t look at me. She doesn’t talk to me. She’s nothing. Nothing. It’s nothing. There is nothing. Nothing is constant. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

That’s what I say, at least.

There’s more at play, so much more. More than I’m able to discern at this moment. I’m just so scared. I don’t want to be just another guy who’s horny and approaches this woman and gets to know them and does them wrong and moves on. I like the dynamic. I like it a lot. The other two don’t know. She didn’t tell them, I can tell. 

And something may not be different. It may be some kind of placebo that I’m experiencing, where my brain keeps telling me to retreat even the the situation is okay. Who knows. I don’t, that’s certain.