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[arenataren]

My jokes

MONOLOGUE JOKES

The quarantine is crazy. School bullies are now asking kids to send them their lunch money on their GoFundMe page.

Amid Coronavirus outbreak medical TV shows to donate protective equipment. Can we get "The West Wing" to donate the president?

Recent study reveals: walking backwards can boost your short-term memory. Or you can write things down.

Russia sends coronavirus aid to help US fight the virus: a shipment of hammers and sickles to flatten the curve.

Today President Trump said the US will not pay for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's security. That decision exhausted Donald Trump's entire quota of sound judgment for the day.

Nike releases funny pack sandals. Now when robbers demand your wallet you throw them a shoe.

New study finds female narwhals attracted to narwhal males with biggest horns. Ouch! Must be sad to find out your girlfriend prefers your horn over your penis.

Putin critic found with his throat slit in a French hotel. To be safe the French promptly awarded Putin with three Michelin stars, Palm D'or, and a couple of islands in the Atlantic.

Russia Sends Military Plane With Coronavirus Aid to Spy, I Mean, To Help US Fight the Virus.

In the meantime, fear of toilet paper shortage makes local man stress eat his entire emergency food supply

Kellog's launching two new beers made from Rice Krispies and Coco Pop waste. Finally, beer any child can enjoy!

Amid Coronavirus outbreak once struggling Papa John's hiring 20.000 new workers. Finally some good news - national pandemic revives racist pizza!

Oregon City mayor confirms the "Nail Bandit" has been captured. Once caught he's been safely fastened to the scene with his own nails.

Oregon woman charged with serving bean dip laced with meth. Said she just wanted some help cleaning up after the party.

Michigan’s couple wedding to be attended by cardboard guests. The reception to be held at Staples.

Louisiana clerk accused of writing students fake doctor's notes for $20. That'll teach students...to malinger.

Pastor trolled on social media for wearing $4,000 sneakers. But what is he supposed to do - drive his Lamborghini barefoot?

Ben and Jerry teamed up with Netflix to produce new ice-cream flavor: Netflix and Chill. Don't eat too fast - you might catch viral marketing!

Gucci, Dior, Prada, and other luxury brands turn their production lines to making medical masks. Unfortunately, you still have to be size 0 to fit them.

Florida man running from cops stops to pet cats. Goes to jail for being adorable.

American Astronomers discover pitch-black planet orbiting a distant star. American Government is sending a mission to see if the black stuff is oil.

In North Korean news Kim John Un's top aid Hwang Pyong-So was recently fired. By a death squad.

The Queen declares war on plastic. This morning Her Majesty personally executed three plastic forks.

Pastor trolled on social media of wearing 4,000 sneakers. But what is he supposed to do - drive his Lamborghini barefoot?

Illegal turtle farm busted in Mahorka. The offenders were deported back into the ocean.

Man finds plaster in his KFC meal; 546 KFC meals later builds a small tool shed.

Man screams about an outbreak of vampires before burning down a Daytona house. Luckily for vampires, everyone thought he was on crack.

A company in Missouri will freeze-dry your dead pet. Thank you very much. I always freeze-dry my pets personally.

Kanye West makes clothing collection inspired by his wife Kim Kardashian. The collection appears to be black, but it isn’t.

Australian heatwave causes 100 bats to boil alive. On the bright side hot Australian ocean washes ashore fully cooked lobsters.

Olive Garden now sells "Italian Nachos" the recipe involves pepperoni, mozzarella, and chopped stallion.