aqueenwrites-blog

[aqueenwrites-blog]

That bliss.

So currently, I’m far away from home and spending my weekend in a province. Like a place where you can literally hear birds singing at each other or you can feel the bitter cold at night. 

So far so good though. I always loved it here. But what makes this trip really exciting is that yoga teacher. She’s been traveling the Philippines all on her own and in my perspective, she’s well adjusted and very successful on her venture. She’s not only a yoga teacher. She’s also a professional scuba diver and a lifeguard. 

We got to talking why she left her place (which is somewhere in California) and she told me all sorts of interesting things. Things that you somehow get tired of explaining people on repeat? Yeah. I’m glad I get to glimpse a little of her adventure though. It sounds fascinating for me! I could never do it all on my own. 

So anyway, we got to talking about me losing weight and all. I was explaining to her how thin I was before (not thin. Wrong words. More like, slim with a lady’s abs) but when I started working, my self-discipline was kind of a mess. I was before 45kls now I’m 60 with a double chin. 

And I was explaining to her and my friend how it’s difficult for me to work out at home, or walk towards my office or even DO a walk-work out around the park. 

I’m paranoid, anxious and always scared when I’m alone. 

My friend supported me by saying, “Yeah. She’s an extreme introvert”

And I said, ‘I’d rather be at home and read or write” then I have to tell her I’m a writer because she was so amazed by that, I don’t know why. 

You know what the yoga teacher told me? She said, “AH. So now I understand. You have a lot in your mind and that’s why you can’t go out and just open your mind. You’re always thinking of things and if you’re walking, you’re always on alert.” 

“You need to hit the gym because there you can open your mind and be yourself. If you’re out there, you’re always on guard. I think that would work out for you,”

You know why I find this really blissful? Because I met someone who can really understand me now. I don’t have to explain why I’m like this all the time (quiet, paranoid, and weird). She just told me to be me (like hitting the gym while others literally hate it). She just TOLD me. No questions. 

[aqueenwrites-blog]

Im tired

Whenever I see myself in a difficult situation, I would say "Im tired". It's more like saying, "I cant deal with this shit right now". Growing up, I never have what you can say, a "normal" childhood. However you define normal. I'm a chronic depressed kid, what do you expect? My mum never favored me. My dad was, I think, busy providing for his family and my siblings have a life of their own. I was alone, literally. I play, watch tv, and sometimes, eat alone. My brother who is younger than me by 1 was a messed up kinda kid. Because he would tease or make fun of me. And then, i couldn't retaliate because he would tell mother and i get a beating. Yes, a beating. Typical Filipinos. So, I felt like I was ridiculed all the time at a tender age of 9. And I was alone. I hated every minute of it. I hated the fact that my mum shows very little affection towards me but would reward the others much more. I remember eating 2 times a day or none. And they would eat 5 to 6. I'm tired and thats coming from a grown adult. Im tired because whatever they did engraved a mark on me that is staying there for the long haul. Every time someone crticize me, I'll put it to heart. If a person makes a joke about me, I'd get really offended. It reminds me of the 9 year old me who's going through a lot of fuck up things because of what they did to me. and as I am still alive.. I live to endure my scars.

[aqueenwrites-blog]

unc-anny

This was my first account but every now and then, I change my URL to whatever matches my mood. Today I’ll be Anny but 2secs later, I’d be the deadsoul. 

My old account was my haven and a doorway through my inner self that no one knows but me. It’s funny though (insert sarcasm here) because as far as I can tell, I can’t “simply” describe myself. I drew in blank every time I am met with the same damnable question. 

So unc-anny was born. Read: uncanny - mysterious, unsettled. So,how can you say anything about it? How can you do that? It’s an empty box and inside are other boxes too. How can I say something about me? Again, I drew in blank. I don’t know. 

Unc-anny was the first room where I’ve hidden for years and in there, I came to know a lot of people. I saw or preferably, read so many people with the same issues as me,

Personality. 

Problems. 

A life living in hell. 

A runaway. 

Just about anything and I fell harder in this rabbit hole - Tumblr - and I know I was safe. I’ve met a lot of people who became my friends, marked with a passion to connect with someone who feels the same way. I’ve seen a good number of people with Uncanny. 

I write just about everything even in the middle of the night. Whatever pops in my head, whatever I maybe going through. To this, you may understand why I’m mourning. 

It may take me a little while before I can finally let it go. I’m not the type who can easily say good bye even the smallest thing. And being that uncanny is a LARGE part of me. It may take awhile. 

[aqueenwrites-blog]

Clumsy numsy mimsy.

I forgot my old tumblr account which I have been using since 2011 or 2012. And tumblr can't help me because of some reasons. I made this one to mourn for my loss. 🤕