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aprevailingtaste · 5 years ago

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Lessons: 2019

As usual, I have to preface this with saying that while I set this to post on January 1, 2020... this was actually written in April 2020. So I already knew what 2020 has in store for me... but that’s not to say that I can’t say much about 2019, oh boy, I do.

There’s a lot to be said about you, 2019. Enough that it has taken me this long to write a letter to you. A lot happened... and well, it was a rough ending.

Suffice it to say, it started like how 2018 started. I was at work. I don’t remember much of it actually... not that I’ve grown older, much of my memory has been erased. I never thought I would be at this stage, but here I am. I think I remember going to bed early since I had to be at work the next day and thus missing your entrance entirely. I remember cleaning up at work, just as I had welcomed 2018 much the same way. But much of that spring was a blur. Up until in May when I went to visit Japan — which was full of amazing surprises and alas, with every trip, I always have a meltdown (or someone does and it’s usually me.) Then about five months later, I also got to visit the Philippines.

But at any rate, my relationship with my friends remain the same as they were in 2018. Stagnant, not much of growth— in fact, perhaps there was even a decline in them. I don’t know. I want to make new friends... but there seems to be no avenue where I can. The end of 2019 made me think so much about my friendship with others. In that, I can barely trust anyone anymore. Is this my descent into madness? Maybe. WIth so much going on in my life, I’m not sure that my friendships with people are going to endure. I’ve started to keep so many secrets from everyone. Mostly because I know they don’t care. But also the ways I’ve collected information in terms of gauging their reaction... I just know everything will be met with resistance. Who knows? I don’t.

2019, I’m not sure you taught me anything. Maybe you did. That oftentimes the people that have been your foundation will eventually turn to you as the rock. And it’s really hard. Between finding out about sicknesses and grief and everything, it’s been rough. I don’t know what else to say really. There were for sure highlights about the year... but mostly, when I look back at 2019, I think of mostly the lows. The fights that broke out, the amount of times I had to visit the hospital. There was just too much. And I’m not sure where this puts me, how this makes me feel.

You started off so unassuming and yet here I am, so far removed from you — I can’t lie and say that I can’t think of a single happy thing about you. Because that’s wrong: there were a ton of things that made you an amazing year. But there were also a ton of things that made you the worst year. For once, in the past ten years that I’ve been doing this, I thought I would be looking forward to 2020, to your brother year. And I’m already a few months into it and now I’m not so sure.

I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of what you brought into my life, 2019.

#lessons #loveletter #2019 #endoftheyear

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aprevailingtaste · 6 years ago

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Lessons: 2018

Dear 2018,

You came in quietly. I remember driving home, just as you had just came, thinking to myself of what was to come. As with all your other siblings long gone, you were all so fucking unpredictable. You were just the same.

But you were such a tough year on me. I swear. The amount of pressure I’ve felt, be it emotionally, physically, and mentally is insane. You & I spent the beginning hustling. Towards the middle of it, I felt like I could do more. And even now that you’re over, I feel like I haven’t done enough. 2019 has got me feeling even more pressure. You beat me up pretty bad, 2018, not going to lie. But out of all the times you did, I got back up again. And I will continue to get back up no matter how many times 2019 will push me down.

2018, you made me realize that my friends aren’t always going to be there for me. And I know, for a fact, that I will not always be there for my friends. Other years past have shown me that, have proven it to be true — but you have me see where my priorities lay… and where my priorities should be.

You’ve shown me that I only have myself at the end of all of this. I spent much of you, trying to figure everyone out but I’ve just come to realize that at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Everyone is a pattern. I came from the idea that everything is too cliché, that life is not like that. But I was so wrong, it’s a cliché because it is true. AND I never thought that it could be that way. I don’t think that was what you wanted me to take from it... but it is what it is.

I started my time with you working and I ended with even more work. And I know that in 2019, I want the same. I want to work, I want to hustle. I’m putting my blinders on — that’s what you’ve taught me, 2018. No need to waste my time on frivolous things, frivolous ideas, frivolous people. It’s time to put in the work.

Thanks, 2018. Thanks for pushing me around and really putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on me. I needed it…

#lessons #love letter #2018 #end of the year

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aprevailingtaste · 7 years ago

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Anyelina Chez photographed by Markn for Numéro Magazine (March 2018)

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aprevailingtaste · 7 years ago

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Lessons: 2017

Dear 2017,

Holy. Shit.

I’m not quite sure I know where to begin. We met in a dodgy Philadelphia bar. I was filled with antibiotics, liquor, and a sense of dread. I had to put up a facade towards the end. I met someone who really plunged me deep into the lowest self-esteem. And it carried on into you.

I’m sorry, 2017. We met under weird circumstances. I don’t regret it, but I also don’t think it was the greatest of encounter.

But I’m learning, I’m learning from your former brothers. A lot changed within you. I’m at a place in my life that I didn’t think I was going to be; I didn’t think that I would be where I am today exactly a year ago. And I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

I’ve met new people, I’ve done a few new things. I don’t hate you, 2017, I don’t. You were just so complicated and I was just so hurt by you. I’m angry because I let things happen to myself but I’m also foolish because I think things that happen to me are solely my fault. They’re not.

2017, you’ve taught me not to be so hard on myself. That it’s okay to ask for help, it’s okay to not be okay. It was a struggle.

Thanks for your stay, 2017. Thank you for literally changing my life.

#love letter #2017 #end of the year #lessons

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aprevailingtaste · 7 years ago

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