apowersyavg-blog

[apowersyavg-blog]

Examine

My day was okay today. I had a nice morning with my mom. We wen to a local food drive and got some groceries. It was nice to be with just her, it always is. The weather today was rainy and it was cloudy the entire day, even when the rain was stopped. I was able to get a good 30 minute workout in when we got home, it’s a 28 day program that I really want to start and finish. It felt good to sweat like I did today, it’s been a while since I last worked out to a actual video or with an actual trainer.

This time last year I met weekly with a trainer to get my in shape. Maybe someday in the future I can get back to that. What a luxury.

From there, I ate breakfast and hung around a bit. Taking everything really relaxed. I didn’t shower until around 2:30 and then got ready to go absolutely no where. Internally, I have been extremely confused. I’m all over the place. I was in the kitchen tonight and I got this rush of sadness. The gut wrenching sadness where you don’t want to cry but you just feel super fucking weird and mentally bad. Ah, depression at it’s finest. Taking a step back, it makes perfect sense that feeling would pour over me like it did, for the amount of time it did. I had a panic attack the other night for the first time in quite a while. It lasted about 20 minutes and took quite a bit of energy out of me. The day after I felt really uptight and anxious. Panicky. I was nervous I set something off that was going to bring the panic disorder back and let it stay. However, I try my best to not let it stay and make a home. I let it visit. Making a home is beyond. It is unacceptable.

I had an overall good day. I didn’t pray. I will do that after this. I love God, I love Jesus so much. He is so good to all of us. Today was an okay day. I will take it. I’ve had worse. I am blessed that be where I am. I got along with my family, I didn’t complain *too much?* and I was able to participate it the day. I made the bed, took a shower, worked out, made my little sister laugh, ate dinner with the family, didn’t argue with anyone, was kind to myself, reached out to friends I haven’t talked to in a few day. Today was a good day.

I will check in tomorrow.

Glory be to the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

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Don’t realize that I’m lying to myself. You ask me how I’m doing and I’ll say I’m doing fine, however, I’m not feeling fine. I don’t quite understand myself.

Sources of strength, things that have hurt me in my past, in my trauma, gives me hope to be well prepared.

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I’m on the verge of an attack. My throat feels as if there are elastic bands around it, minute by minute getting tighter. It feels a bit difficult to breathe and I can feel the indentation that marks my throat palpitating. I need to let myself calm down.

I am so sad. I feel the sadness is a large body of water and it’s swallowed me whole. I can’t escape it. I try to put my finger on what exactly is causing it but there are so many things. I can hardly comprehend. All I know is that I am not happy. I’m not happy with myself, I’m not happy with my relationship, I’m not happy with my current life situation.

I’m in a relationship that should have ended long ago. Seven years of pain. The beginning was “good” so I thought, but looking back, it was never healthy. I never felt good enough for him. He made that clear to me too in the beginning. Tracing it back, this relationship has always been toxic, has always been abusive. No matter how nice I think he is, no matter how “well” he makes me think he treats me.

Do I think he is a good person? Yes. Do I think he is a good person for me? Not anymore. We’ve grown apart. At least I believe we have. I’m engaged to get married next year and the time is passing by, quicker than I would like. I wish I could just pause everything.

I need to get out of this relationship. I am bettering myself. I am 14 months sober. I meet with a spiritual advisor, therapist, sponsor, woman in my network and they all are helping guide me. I am so appreciative of all of them. He makes me think otherwise sometimes. Makes me think they are not understanding or don’t truly know me like he does. It confuses me. I know they are looking out for my best interest though, outside of this relationship. He make think he is the only looking out for my best interest but it is so jaded.

He is abusive.

I’ve done my fair share of things wrong, believe me. I put him through hell and back when I was sick, when I was out there drinking. However, he is abusive. This is abusive. This relationship isn’t going to get better by getting married. He will progress in his disease, in his anger. He has changed so much while staying so consistently the same. It baffles me.

He’s hit me. He’s called me names. He’s threatened me. He’s thrown things at me. He’s beaten me down. He’s thrown my addiction in my face. He’s told me I wasn’t good enough. He is abusive.

I need the strength. Lord, if you are there, if you are with me right now, please help me. Please guide me, give me strength to do what is right. Give me clarity to know what I need to do with the strength to do it. I ask this in the name of the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit.

You are our Lord and Savior and we love you. You are our way marker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness.

Amen.

God Bless.

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Someone I grew up with died this week. He overdosed. I’m angry. I’m angry at the drug. I’m angry at addiction. I’m angry that it doesn’t shock me like it did the first time. I’m angry that it’s part of life at this point. I’m angry that thousands, millions, are losing loved ones. Age varying. No discrimination there.

I’m angry that his son will grow up wondering what life would have been like with a father What it would have been like to have a number in his phone with “dad” as the contact name. I’m angry that his son will be so prone to the existence of a father that children with father’s will feel like the minority. Regardless of how regularized it is. They will always feel like the minority.

My heart aches for his parents. When my father died, I told my grandmother how sorry I was for her. Blankly she looked at me and said, “a parent should never have to bury their child”. That ripped me apart and I was twelve years old.

His parents. Their twenty five year old baby boy. Their baby boy. I can’t stress it enough. He left this earth, unnaturally. It wasn’t illness, it wasn’t. I don’t know, it was fucking heroin. What an awful fucking way to lose someone. How fucking awful.

I’m pissed off at the people who fucking continue to produce it. They produce it for wealth. How fucking messed up is that? Seriously. They’ll kill someone for $50. It’s fucking disgusting.

I told my boss about what happened. She told me one of my coworkers has easily lost six people from an overdose of heroin, three of which were so close to home that trauma was instilled.

I’ve lost six people to heroin as well, three of which were close to me. Figure that. In a room of ten people, there are already twelve lives that have been lost to heroin, between two people. I wonder how many if we took a poll with all ten people. I think that’s fucking insane. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like A FUCKING LOT between two people. Twelve fucking individuals. All dead from the same drug.

It makes me wanna cry.

I’m so numb to it as well though. Like I said, another? When will it end.

I know I didn’t have any control over his sobriety of the situated though.

He was recovering on the opposite coast. He came home and a week later he was dead. People, places and things.

I also get so fucking mad at the people he subjected himself while home. So fucking mad. My immediate thoughts is to call them scumming fucking addicts. I say wow to myself. I was have to take a fucking step back myself. I was once as bad as they are, in my own ways.

I have to remember that they’re sick as well. Then I think that not all drug dealers are drug addicts. They just sell the drugs. That shit gets my blood cookin’. That’s really fucking awful. Those people deserve nothing. When I say that I don’t mean they literally don’t deserve anything. I had to stop myself while typing that because I literally can’t let myself say anyone deserves anything that is hurtful or negative.

It makes me want to throw up though. Like, that shit isn’t fair. I was to say that they deserve a special place in hell. Again, I can’t say that ... even though I just typed it ...

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[apowersyavg-blog]

       Sometimes I really just fucking hate writing on here because I think I should like the absolute worst fucking human being to ever exist. My tone in my writing is fucking annoying. I think it’s because it’s me and I 10/10 hate myself but seriously, what the fuck is it?

Anyway, I’m convinced I’ll never be good enough for anybody.

ANYBODY.

I’m either too fat, too think, too ugly, never too pretty but that would be a nice one. HEY, you know what? I’ve definitely thought I was too pretty before. Not “too pretty” but I’ve definitely looked down on people and assumed that they thought I was pretty. Like I can teach them something from being overweight & “pretty”.

Here that catch 22 though, I am convinced not a single soul can think I’m pretty. Yet, I also know that men look at me. I’m convinced though that if I do things like sit the wrong way or laugh, they’ll think I’m ugly. So I’m going around acting like a fucking Robot named Robert & I’m fucking awkward.

It’s really truly sad. I don’t understand it and I don’t think I ever will. Well, hopefully ... if my therapist is good enough & if I’m receptive enough.

I’m scared people will leave me a lot. Why is that? I’ve had situations (wait I just lol’d so hard) I’ve had many situations* where i sleep with men on the first night because I think that if I do this, they will like me. it is fucked up and complicated. After that, I let myself get emotionally attached. Once that happens, it’s over. I’m just a ball of emotion, walking around, letting the man I’m sleeping with dictate my self worth. Isn’t that so.fucked.up? I know. I’m allowed to be full of self pity here because I can’t fucking do that shit in my real life.

Sobriety teaches you to focus on the other & to try your best to stop being selfish. I try really fucking hard but it’s a day at a time process, amiright?

One day at a time, it’s so fucked up. It’s amazing, I honestly live by that but man! Staying in the present day, PRESENT MOMENT, that’s hard business. I’m sure many of the elite can’t even day that.

I hate depending on me. I really fucking do. I don’t get why I do it.

Am I pretty?

Does he think I look pretty?

Oh no, he hasn’t looked at me long enough, he hasn’t texted me. It must be something I’ve said, did or how I looked. I’m tired. I’m really tired. This has been going on for a long time.

I used to have some confidence, I think I do now, but only behind closed doors or when I feel like there’s nothing at stake.

I’m so fucking sick of it. This gives men power over me.

How do I gain power over myself?

A lot of self help & therapy. I’m trying that!

Definitely not the self help part, I mean am acting on self help but it’s not all the way there. I’m still hanging on to bits and pieces. I have reservations.

I straight up have reservations.

Withoutadoubt.

Why?

Because I’m unhappy.

Unhappy with that?

My relationship, my life.

Do something about it maybe?

I can’t. I’m too weak. I’m too scared.

Here is all the unhealthy “I wants”.

*I wrote that and laughed because a lot of these aren’t unhealthy but I think they are or maybe they’re unhealthy right now.

I want to move out

I want to be alone

I want to sleep with other men

I want to leave my current situation

I want to stop caring about you

I want to still care but at a distance

I want to make good money & spend it on things I want to spend it on & save for things

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Just kidding. I’m back. Ready to attack! Blat Blat Blat.

I’m straight up tired but I don’t want to rest.

Funny, I’ve stared at a computer screen 46 hours this week and now that I’m free from that, I’m still doing it. I can’t not. Life doesn’t seem important unless there is a *computer* screen in front of me 24/7. I sleep dreaming of computer screens.

All I type is ZZZZZZZZZZ but it’s worth it and fills my unhealthy attachment.

That’s addiction for ya ladies & gents.

Why do I worry so much about what I text someone

Fuckin aye bruther.

It’s sooooooooooo annoying. There should be so many g’s on the end of that “ing”. Fuck me.

I’m down here now.

I need to slow down.

I do that thing where you put things in all different areas in your brain and deal with them separately but never let them mesh together. I know the word, I’ve just been trying to type it for 5 minutes and i can’t figure it out.

If you can’t figure it out, well, I literally don’t know what to tell you.

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When am I emotionally sound writing on here? Ah yes, never. I’m one fucked up cookie, I’ll tell ya that. I wish things could be like the movies. The girl is misunderstood, intelligent, driven but bashful from all the trauma. She’s mysteriously sexy, loves to get fucked while Faulkner rests on her bedside. She’s free but chained down to the life she’s created. The life that’s been created for her from the domestication of her fucked up parents & the generations before them.

Unfortunately, I’m just here, a potato. p. p. potato.

I’m not a potato. I’m a beautiful young lady.

No I’m not.

I’m just a young lady ... I think?

Just kidding, I’m a young lady. I’m tired though.

I’m a tired young lady.

That’s it, a tired young lady.

A tired. Frustrated. Sad. young Lady. Whose pissed.*Also thankful* & NUMB.

I’m straight up not having a good time.

I’m also having the best time of my life.

Figure that out bc I can’t.

I can’t right now at least.

Also I’m much more comfortable writing in this weird format.

It feels easier.

Maybe because that’s how my brain feels.

All over the place.

Nevermind.

I’ll check in later. Maybe next month, we’ll see.

Maybe tomorrow. That would be new.

See ya for now!

[apowersyavg-blog]

[apowersyavg-blog]

I’m emotional tonight. I’m emotional almost every night, but tonight more than usual. I don’t understand. I of all people, don’t understand. I can’t seem to get my head to understand the idea of drug abuse. I’ve been there, I’ve done that with alcohol. It’s also not so much why people take the drug. I can get with that, because just earlier today I was visualizing a pink liquid infused with vodka being poured into an insulated cup, the beautiful ice & white fizz that floats at the top. What I don’t understand, or better yet, I should just ask the question as to “why”. I get why on a broad scale but what I don’t get is why is it fucking created. I suppose those who create it and pump it into our system are fucking animals. They are animals, I don’t suppose--I know. I’ve lost so many people from overdoses. Important people too. I lost my dad to that fucking shit. Why did he continue to shoot that poison into his veins? The same reason why I continued to drink myself out of two homes, gain 100lbs & continuously drive other people’s vehicles drunk. That’s why. Still, why us? God has a plan for all of us, I get it & don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful I’ve been place on the path I’m on, because if I didn’t go through everything I did, I wouldn’t be where I am now, and even though now is hard, it’s the most amazing life has ever been for me. Still though! I also get that some people have to die in order for some of us to get sober. It’s just a shame any of us have to die in order for any of us to get sober. Does this make sense? I’m sure it doesn’t. That’s okay though.

I guess death is just weird. Don’t get me wrong, death is also beautiful from a spiritual standpoint sometimes I’m not so afraid of it. I just can’t seem to get with the idea that a person is gone from our physical world. Our concrete, “I’m here” world. I hurt over it but I also feel I don’t think about it enough. I feel I don’t let myself fully process the fact that a person has died and that they are no longer. We no longer can talk, touch, see them. Maybe I have accepted it but it’s just such a part of living life that it becomes almost numbing.

Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. It’s fucking nuts. I sure am baffled.

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I don’t know what happened tonight. I’m trying to figure it out. I think I have it and then I start to second guess myself again, and I’m wrong. Well, I’m not sure if I’m wrong or not. It very well could be the things I’m coming up with. It’s weird though, I come up with something and it seems certain and then a few minutes later, I come up with something else which contradicts the first thought. I honestly don’t understand my brain.

I think tonight I got caught up in the rush of appreciation and validation. It feels foreign that someone could love me for my body. I see no signs of physical appreciation at home--it feels as if it’s a taboo topic. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it at all but it very well might. Tonight, I got ready wanting to be appreciated. I went to shoprite, I went to Starbucks, I felt there was no where else to go. Why go home when I could go somewhere and people will fill that void I’m feeling isn’t getting filled? It’s complex. I’m not even sure if this is the issue or situation at hand. It’s all very confusing.

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I feel a little stagnant today. I don’t think it’s anything scary, yet it’s scaring me. I guess home feels like a dark pit. It’s lit up nicely. I think I’m anticipating this trip to Florida. I’m regretting it a little bit, but am steadily excited to be going. I suppose I’m just ready to start treatment. I’m five month sober, but I could use the help. I’m at the point where taking suggestions is almost mandatory and anything that keeps me further from a relapse is something I want and need in my life. Treatment is six months long, the longest. If I start in August and do decide to stay the full six months, I’ll finish approaching my first year in sobriety which seems like a pretty solid situation. Six months to get myself together, to get integrated with the program of AA and to start experiencing a sense of clarity.

I think it’s a good thing that I’m just understanding all of this now, any earlier and my head probably would have exploded. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. This is Gods will. I’m trying my very best to understand and get with that. It’s so hard though! I was feeling a little mentally exhausted today. My levels must have been acting up differently than they normally do.

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I’m overwhelmed.

There is a lot that’s going to go into this post--so please bare with me. I deal with a great deal of issues with my anxiety, however I’m going to keep this as general when discussing everything as I can in terms of symptoms and degree of everything. First things first:

I’m currently five months sober, that’s the longest I’ve had sober since about 14 years old. I’m 24. I’ve dealt with anxiety my entire life, however I didn’t know what it was back then. I thought it was a normal part of the human existence and that it only came when life was stressful. The symptoms weren’t as they are now and back then it wasn’t as regular. I’d run things past my mom and be okay.

Next:

While I was active in my disease I began having serious panic attacks which evolved into a gnarly panic disorder and every day anxiety. Around the clock.

I made the decision to get clean last July 2018. I relapsed a few times from July 2018-February 2019. My sober date in Valentine’s Day.

I’ve been five months sober, I had five months on Monday. The first three months were good! I was motivated, things felt as if they were in check, everything seemed manageable. Once I hit three months, I got engaged. It was unexpected and I began to deal with my high levels of anxiety again. The day after I got engaged I was in the hospital due to chest pain I thought was a heart attack, got screened with a bunch of tests and I was completely fine and healthy. I could hardly enjoy my celebration dinner that evening.

Now, since then I haven’t been able to get back to base level. My grandmother got sick, I began having flashbacks to when I was active (all the trauma and pain that was part of it), I’d start to come down and level out and then bam something else would happen.

In the first three months, I was motivated as stated before. I had a personal trainer, I was attending meetings every single day, I was having fun with my fiance’ and family because I was actually at a state of peace where I’d be able to reason with my anxiety and anxious thoughts.

Since May I’ve been keeping very much basic. I haven’t been with my personal trainer, I haven’t worked, I’ve been keeping with the meetings, sharing my feelings, the pain and hurt. I’ve just been so highly aware and on end with my everything.

I have a therapist. I started with her in March. She’s the perfect fit for me, I’ve never been good with therapists. It’s so hard to find someone whose a perfect match and that you can completely trust and connect with. Someone who actually listens to you. Only issue is that she can only meet biweekly, and usually it’s more like three weeks or three 1.2 weeks.

I’m not a fan of medication, I have deep rooted issues with medication so I’ve not been on any. It’s nice that she doesn’t push medication on me and respect my thoughts and decision.

However, about a month ago things were so draining and overwhelming I wanted to meet with a psychiatrist to weigh options. She’s amazing as well. Very thorough and wasn’t quick to throw medications at me as other’s I’ve met with. She suggested IOP. I met with her yesterday and I have three weeks to decide if I want to do the IOP which will be weekly and I’ll really be able to get to the root of everything, or to continue with a new therapist that will be biweekly come August.

My therapist told me our last session that she’s leaving the beginning of August. My next session with her is the end of July just about, next week. I was set up with a 30 day wellness program during time until I see my therapist next (24th). The woman in wellness suggests IOP too. No one wants me to relapse.

I honestly don’t feel I will relapse. I don’t find myself thinking about alcohol often, however everyone agrees that my mental health is suffering and that I’m not in the clear yet, 5 months isn’t that long. I’m still fragile and vulnerable.

My mental health is shot. I’m starting to put things together in a sense of past trauma and triggers but it’s still just a lot. My anxiety is around the clock usually, I hardly have a good day or a break. As I’m writing this my chest is extremely heavy. Hell, the reason I began writing this was because I was on the verge of a panic attack. My chest is heavy heavy, I feel like there’s a ball of anxiety or tension in it and I cannot seem to get comfortable. I’m very much on alert.

I got my psych diagnosis yesterday. I’ve had them a few times but yesterday made a lot of sense--I was diagnosed:

Health anxiety

Panic disorder

GAD

Phobia disorder

Insomnia

Depression (she heard a bit when I was explaining things to her)

OCD

Alcoholism

Childhood trauma

PTSD

She told me that my mental health and alcoholism are interlinked and feed off of each other and that all things listed above interlink and have a common theme as well, being I’m constantly seeing things as threats and never feel safe.

That’s a long fucking list. When she told me though, there was a wave of ease. It makes a lot of sense to me and is calming knowing that what I’m going through and experiencing are actual things others go through.

I’m tired. I’m afraid of death. I want to live. I’m young, I have a bright future. Life is just scary, all the time. I’m sorry if someone read this and was not thrilled by the read, I really just needed to type it out and get things in order to visually see opposed to compartmentalizing in my mind. My chest is still heavy but it will pass. I’m just waiting for my fiance’ to get home, it’s hard being alone sometimes.

If anyone has any experiences with IOP for mental health/substance abuse please reach out, I would greatly appreciate it. I have a hard time succumbing to the idea that I need IOP, I’m realizing that my ego though. I think it may be good.

Last thing and I’ll shut up--I explained this to my fiance’ the other day. I feel as if my life is like if I were to break my ankle. I break my ankle, snap it in half. I have a cast on for some weeks and eventually get it taken off. Upon getting it taken off and walking on it again, something doesn’t feel correct. I carry on and continue walking. After some time I get bored and start to feel as though I should amp my walk up to a soft jog, something feels off again but I can’t put my finger on it--I assure those around me that all is well, after all I did have a cast on my ankle for some weeks. Finally, I start to run. I start to run and I can hardly make it a minute my first shot. I figure, it was the weather affecting my ankle. Everybody knows that weather has a role in broken bones. I try again and again, I cannot last more than a minute--shit, this time I can only do 30 seconds. I continue back to a jog, when I should really be continuing back to a walk, bringing that back to my doctor and putting my ankle back in a cast again because my ankle just isn’t properly healed yet and until it’s healed, I will not be able to get that consistent run in which will last more than thirty seconds or a minute.

I feel that is my life right now. I can’t keep continuing on the path I’m on because I’m trying to do everything I can to feel better. I need more more more. I need to start a new job, I need to start a new way of living (literally the four agreements is an amazing book but just not the time man), I need to work out harder, I need to develop a better network and once I do that ... EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

However, that is but an illusion. Don’t get me wrong, all of those things are wonderful healthy positive things ... but they’re things I can achieve in time, in the future. I was advised by my therapist to keep life as simple and basic as I can right now. Literally, all I have to do is make sure I’m getting enough sleep, eating enough, drinking enough water, staying sober/getting to meetings and working out at a reasonable level, just to help expel excess energy which fuels my anxiety. Workout as basic as going for an evening walk, no strength training, etc.

I’m not properly healed and until I properly get the help I need to begin to heal and develop within that, I will be unable to progress properly. Everything will be yielded bringing it back to poor mental health.

I’m just tired. I love life so much, I want every second I can get from it to continue on, however, I want it to continue on clearer, fuller and easier.

Thanks for reading--

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How does one stop obsessing over alcohol? You give your will and life over to the care of God, that’s awesome - I love that -- however life on life’s terms ... it’s fucking hard man. Especially when you’re trying so hard to get it right. It’s hard not giving in to that little voice -- it’s potent. It’s incredulous. I never had a healthy relationship with it, even the first time I had ever let it touch my lips. I had no idea how to handle myself one it began it’s “magic” and was told I should probably calm down after consuming 15 miller high life’s at the age of fourteen. I wish I could go back in time and have basic understanding, but I was a child and was praised on my drinking skills. So that was cool.

I obsess over a thing that has made me lose so much, why still obsess? I don’t get it - I can keep writing that and my mind still feels numb. I’ll still get that “high” associated with me anticipating drinking or anticipating my new founded social skills that came along with drinking - sometimes I’ll even smell a “chilled” Bud Lite. It’s fucking bizarre.

All those empty nights. All those LONG nights. All those dreadful mornings. I don’t get it, what is there to miss? All the fake friends, leaching on me to support their drinking habit along with mine. I don’t get it. I’d have friends who worked full time jobs have me cover them, time and time again - and it wasn’t just a few drinks - it was the whole ordeal. We’d do happy hour, dinner with drinks, “pregame” the final destination at a local bar and then finally end up at the dump we were regular. The same faces, same music, same drinks, same fucking bullshit. I love every single second of it though. It made me feel the most alive I’d ever felt. We thought we ran it back then, we did.

It’s scary, sometimes I’ll realize how removed I am from who I was back then. It’s hard for me to mentally process. I can’t fully do it. I’m so overwhelmed. I had fun though, in the beginning at least. I was in the best shape I had ever been and I was given appreciation for that from all the wrong people. Women hated me and men loved me. There goes my ego, but it was the truth! I was plenty cool though, I tried my best to befriend all those I could when it came to the ladies. I’m not naturally a bitch. Maybe I am, but I try not to be. I think a lot of the time it’s that I just look like a bitch opposed to actually being a bitch. I think that’s it.

I had a good time - it was the first time in my life I felt like I belonged. Growing up I never felt I did in any aspect. I was thrown in to a pool of sharks with no spear. It was plenty fucked up. I don’t get it though. I had such bad times towards the end - it was so hard. So much suffering, so much damage ... mentally, physically, spiritually. I never in a million years though my life would come to that and it fucking did, overnight.

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How do I stop drinking?

There is not a simple answer to this question, as each person is an individual and has certain needs. However, I thought I would make a list that may help you take steps to stop drinking.

1. State your reasons why you want to stop. It may be to lose weight, to save a relationship, or to regain control of your life. Regardless of the reason, it is important that you write it down so you remember why you are taking this journey.

2. Start now. It is too easy to set a certain day you will quit drinking, and then see that day come and go. If you want to stop drinking, do it now. If you cannot stop abruptly, you may need to seek medical attention to safely stop drinking.

3. Reach out to someone that cares. Whether it be family, friends, a coworker, or someone you know that is also in recovery, you need to build a support system. Letting someone know you have a problem and are struggling will help others become aware of your situation and hold you accountable for getting help. It is also important to find people who are supportive of you and will be there for you through this hard time.

4. Go to an AA meeting. Even if you think it’s a waste of time, or you’re scared to go, you have nothing to lose. You may even find someone there you relate to or can add to your support system.

5. Seek professional help. If you require detox due to your physical state, start there. After detox, you may want to look into a rehab facility. At the very least, look for an addiction counselor and a physician that can help support you through the withdrawal phase and initial sobriety.

6. Avoid triggering people, places, and things. Don’t drive by the liquor store, avoid situations where alcohol will be present, and distance yourself from people who drink regularly. This is one of the hardest things to do, but it is absolutely necessary to maintain sobriety.

7. Set boundaries. If you feel pressured into drinking, either walk away or state that you are no longer drinking. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Setting limits for your emotional, mental, and physical health is not being rude, it is being true to yourself and setting you up for success.

8. Be open for suggestions. As an alcoholic I thought I could do everything by myself, my way. One of the hardest things to do is to take suggestions and act upon them, even if you don’t agree with them. If the person giving a suggestion genuinely wants to help you (and maybe has some sobriety under their belt,) you should heed their advice.

9. Don’t future-trip. Meaning, don’t worry so much about the future. The thoughts of “I’ll never be able to drink again,” and “I will never have a normal life,” are scary and make us feel like we cannot succeed. Rephrase those thoughts with “I am not going to drink, just for today.”

10. Don’t isolate. Talk about your feelings, with a counselor or even a friend. We can be our own worst enemy, so push yourself to reach out to others, even if it’s the last thing you want to do. 

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ADDICTION.

it’s the big, scary word people want to avoid and pretend it doesn’t exist because it’s not happening to them. ————————–
I am an addict, and I am over four years clean & sober. More than that, I am a human. The amount of judgment towards an addict constantly breaks my heart. And I can’t be mad about it. You are blessed that you don’t know what a sick disease this really is and that you’ve never had to grieve someone who is still alive. I pray you never do. But if you think for one second, that they chose this life and they must want it because they wont stop you are sadly, sadly mistaken. Nobody wanted this. Nobody wanted to be prostituting to get their next fix, nobody wanted to end up hospitalized for malnutrion, nobody wanted to wear long sleeve shirts to hide their scars in the middle of summer. Please, be mindful that as a child I never grew up wanting to be a drug addict. It never started like that. And for people who at this point usually say “Well you should have never started, drugs are bad, it was your choice to pick that drink up” I was 12. Came from a broken, abusive family and had no idea what path drugs and alcohol would take me on. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be a hurt, little girl anymore. So I take a drink and fuck it made me feel good, I’m not feeling any pain. Thats where it began and where it begins for many, and being an addict does not mean it is an excuse I take full responsibility. I don’t expect you to think because I had a shitty childhood that justified the next 6 years of drug and alcohol use. What I want you to know is that it didn’t begin as a choice. Something in my brain changed the night I drank and I realized this was a way to escape the reality that was my life. I never thought I’d lose control. I thought I could handle it and I wouldn’t take it that far. But, unfortunately addiction does not discriminate. Addiction affects everyone. You think its not going to happen to you, until it does. Or your kid, or your parent, or your neighbour. Addiction doesn’t care if you grew up surrounded by love, addiction doesn’t care if you are fifty years old. It has one goal & that is to kill you. But it was never supposed to be this way. So when you think to what an addict is; just know that it isnt a choice, its not as simple as saying no. Its powerlessness. Over and over again. The addict is even more confused than you as to why they cant stop. They hate themselves more than you hate them. They promise each morning after they will stop, and are just as confused as to how they got drunk again within hours. Please take the time to learn about addiction. These people are us. These people are you. Before they are addicts, before they are prostitutes, before they are homeless, they are PEOPLE. Why is that we are so quick to sign a cast for a arm that has been hurt but everyone turns in shame from a brain that is hurt? It is a mental illness. It is not a choice. But let me be clear, it is not my excuse. It is my responsibility. I’m not looking for pity, I am in search of compassion and the human decency to recognize that addicts are people who are no longer in control. If you havent had your life touched by addiction, I truly hope you never do but this does not excuse your responsibility to break the stigma. If you have had your life touched by addiction I am sorry, addiction does not justify someones actions and you too have a right to feel broken. I am sorry if you are the sibling who doesnt get attention because your parents are fighting about what to do with your brother, I am sorry if you are the mother who is replaying her daughters funeral over again in your head, I am sorry if you are the son who comes home everyday to his dad passed out drunk. The addict hurts and everyone in the addicts life hurts too. I see you too. This fight is for you too. If you are the addict, I will keep carrying this message that there is RECOVERY from addiction. Any form of addiction. And you are not your disease. I was broken, hopeless and wanted to die at the age of 17. Today I have a job, a condo, a long term relationship, friends, pets & family. If you are anything like me you are probably saying in your head “Thats really fucking nice, but its never going to happen for me.” and thats okay. I would have never believed it either. But I hope that you know I do truly mean you are worth so much more than the isolating existence your addiction wants for you. I see you. The real you. Beneath all the demons.
So for all of you addicts out there, remember that rock bottom is where you stop digging. Dont be ashamed to ask for help. I used to believe that admitting I had no control was pathetic. It truly was the bravest thing I have ever done, and through surrendering have I found a life that I dont need to escape from. Lets break the stigma that addicts are weak for this is the biggest lie. Addicts are the strongest people I know. They live in a world where not only is their head fighting them everyday, but this stigma is too. Addicts are not weak. I am not weak. My journey is one of strength and courage. I sincerely ask from the bottom of my heart that you fight this battle of addiction with us, not against us. This is for the addicts and this is for the broken families/friends of the addicts. I hope we can one day live in a world where there is no shame in asking for help. If anyone ever needs anything, don’t hesitate to send me a message. I promise you to meet you with love ❤️

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