apoetmaybe

[apoetmaybe]

-Clarice Lispector

[apoetmaybe]

Oh melancholy earth

Home of hot hells

Where love is a seraphim who takes you to heavens high

And releases your heavy heart to die

I’m no humble, I’m no pride

I’m no vessel to fill and carry by your side

I am unpouring, and I’ve nothing to give

Still yet more, I’ve nothing to gain

I am rebellion all the way

And I am angry

And I am weeping

And I am hardening and softening

And I am trying to live well

But I am afraid I am simply dying

Gravity,oh gravities

The soil is too heavy for me

I stand, but I am crippled at the buckles of all my bones

I turn inward on myself and outward

I find no heaven, I find no heaven

Heaven itself is hell

And who am I to begin with

I am who I was from the beginning

perhaps I never changed at all

I just existed as I was supposed to be

as I was- am- were

from the beginning

to the end

[apoetmaybe]

Angel wing inked on a chest, a phoenix-ed forearm too

I wish I were a Phoenix in ink

The one he has in tattoo

And I thought once of life and pages

Inks of days and days passed, ages

Our ink,

The ink of right now

I suppose is something like

The little rain

On the caked paint of a child’s face-painted cheek

the remnants of the breaths he took, we took

Touches, smiles, a semblance of knowing one another

All like watercolors

Beside me, he lays sleeping now

I could watch

Like a soul in a body beneath a moonlight

The night dark, my body strange and unfamiliar

Standing among pines and their saplings

Standing light footed upon the needles of my age

Yea, our ink

Crumbled atop oiled skin of a child’s cheek

And a cold raindrop

The cold the reminds you

You must be warm, alive a little

Warm. A child eternal.

Permanent the ink then

Over this Not so eternal here

Everything isn’t going on

Things are coming off

Like bathing

A cold iridescent raindrop fell like tear

Over us

And the color clung

We washed down, moonlight reflected in us

Ink and water- the essentials

Why water? so polarized in ions!

Mucking away, day to day

The beautiful and horrid signs of life

Beneath- I feel them not ink needles

But the pine needles under my barefoot

Of that moonlit night where I was dying

inhabiting my body

Inhabiting my body

Just barely

A strange creature, nearly hovering

Atop this Earth like a child’s cheek

Me

Warm.

In the nightly forest

And the buzz of the tattoo gun

At the parlor in my mind

Sharp

I awaken to sounds of metal boned leather covered chairs

Sticking to my skin

I peel

Away

And the tattoo is as cold as natural skin now

There isn’t a difference

Memory is like ink

But love like face paint on a child’s cheek

That rolls away

Iridescently

In moonlight

And assuredly in rain.

Now wings on me, no phoenix tattoo

Am I unscathed?

I check my bones for a heartbeat

Warm.

And the paint chips away from the child’s cheek

And falls to the Forrest floor

Overtop pine needle bedding

goes on and on and on

A speck of dust in the wind

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I

Don’t want to fall in love anymore

I

Am tired

I

Feel empty

Ochre green macabre

I am some leaflet plant

On the side of stone balcony

Perhaps marble even

I’m hanging

I’m doing fine

The sun comes over me in the morning

And the moon stands on the waters at the stone edge in the nights

I’m not a pleasant green, but I am living

[apoetmaybe]

Spring with the buttercups SHOT into the grey blue sky

And make it catch FIRE with

white bradford PEAR BLOSSOMS

And drink merrily over soured rose French champagne, SWEETER than ever the day last years’s ROSES may have lived

As always SPRING COMES

And spring comes now

I PROMISE with my maker’s seal

Spring comes now with vengeance

For every tree that falls victim to locusts and rot and winds that tear through them

Snapping their great wet and white stems

Peeling them open to white potato colored flesh

The way a stick breaks between TWO SEPARATE HANDS

We learn as a CHILD

Split into- unevenly, jagged-like

All winter the hillsides seemed so dismal-lost and conquered

Grey trunks horizontaled on barren dirt patches

Even the yellowed stalks of last season’s reed and bluestem grasses may have seemed washed totally away, gnawed on so closely by the wildlife until there is just ROOT

And the vultures have so many carcasses on the sides of the interstates and the chill is so

That the dead lay for months and the fat vultures DON’T PICK at them

It’s something ominous

Yes, the winters do, they did THIS YEAR

Drain all the sap until the syrup taps of the maples have left massacres of death, trails of death and withered many away

The maple veins ravaged by seething, hungry vampires

Over empty galvanized silver metal buckets hung on nails

It is true

Death and destruction are everywhere

And the seething many, do get ever see their day of fullness?

Those seething ones

With ringlet blonde childlike curls with many curtsies and much ignorance over the death of the few and over nakedness of the land they steal mercilessly from

But SPRING COME VIOLENT now

She will

She always does

For the force of Spring

Is ALIVE in THE water and EARTH

Spring is GOD’s power

Cold April shower SOAKed up into muddy Earth, what could GROW from this sop and muck?

Like LIGHTNING bolts through the unliving no Blood spilled can conquer his faithful ever-creating and renewing hand

And for all that is taken by death

God shoots up from his SEED

With vengeance

Spring will come

The watered Earth now

A hillside in what seems the first taste of WARM sunlight

She BATHEs

And your eyes will CRY over her becoming

And some HEARTs will melt ice

And some LOVErs will overFLOW from within in fullness still, some in memory, some for respect

Then overTAKE again in greenery, jungles of greenery

The topiary full of colored birds will SING

And the melody will put to REST you who are hungry and base

And you will BOW to God too

As he pours the powers of life and DEATH over you blind

And you will be hungrier then

And the faithful and weak

Those barren that sat in the middle with lanterns and little pit fires on the roster bench,

like spoiled fat boys spitting boiled peanuts getting ready for bat

made from one sapling that fell among many

And those barren will not starve

And they go without the syrups of maple this year and that year, how MANY COME THE YEARS

The hillsides will not be starved out

They never did, never were

OverTAKEN.

Tell me the maples will run rivers for spite of their mothers and fathers passed

And you will KNOW

Your fullness was poisoned all along

By the HANDs OF GOD’s will

The quick POP of the bat in hand

The sport announcer drops jaw amazed

It’s out of here!

And THERE WILL BE jungles of greenery

The maple will BLOOM and samara whirly-birds spread wing

AND OVERCOME the sky

Yes

SPRING.

will come

With vengeance

Bundles of delicate petals,

shoot up you amarillo buttercups

And do not fear to fade

come

With vengeance.

[apoetmaybe]

The end came

It came

And the swells of the ocean took their free-willed libations as the hands of God sometimes allows

The tsunami washed over

The entirety

And there is quiet

The gulls fly back in

And the sands are filthy

But natural again is everything

In its place of greatest devastation

This is where God plants seeds

Gods nature is to garden

He tills

He turns the Earth over to grow his Good

Nature’s place as nature would have

Lightning strikes the tallest, most beautiful tree in the field

And it blackens and dies, undignified

But the earth sends the birds again

The birds perch and the squirrels hollow in her tree heart after the woodpeckers chip away

And this is the music God plays

And it’s odd to be a human much the same

With my wrinkled hands before me

My body so small before all waters

Even rains can wash and swallow me away

But I love His goodness

It is here with me

To see

His ways.

[apoetmaybe]

He is calm and collected

But when he isn’t

I wouldn’t want to be in that shadow of his righteousness

It is a passionate place

I fear deeply

Because I love him so

He is to me something great

A keeper

My lover

My safety, my home

I have seen him angry at moments

His eyes burn

And it makes my heart hurt

Because there is no pulling him close

When he is angry

I do not want to see it

I do not ever want to experience it

His anger is justice

His love is mercy

And I only want one

I cannot bare to think of the other

His anger I fear, and I dare not warm the Water to boil

And I dare not touch the eye of the e stove

And I do not tempt him

And I do not fiddle

I draw bow sharp, A Carolina mountain boy

And the respect over the winter is great

And the respect makes me so careful

Because his love is so great

And nature is dangerous thing

[apoetmaybe]

I love him

But I’m afraid of him too

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Patience is the hardest lesson, the hardest test. Moderation is an act of wisdom.

And at times, I am entirely human made from an entire lack of any wisdom at all

Because I want to love you

I want to really love you

In unmoderated ways

And without delay.

[apoetmaybe]

I’m greedy as fuck over your love

I think you know it

And it isn’t healthy

Because it’s like a water bucket

All this overflow in the rain

Spilling over edges and shit

Baby I’m drowning for you

And I’m bathed

And I’m thirsty still I think

The droughts are something I’ve known

So I’m the type to let the river rage

And I like the feeling

I want to feel it

Drown me

Drench me in your love

I don’t know when enough is enough

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I hate on you maybe

Because you’re my favorite

And I expect more

And I want more

And I know you are for me

You’re mine.

[apoetmaybe]

Stop underwhelming me lol

[apoetmaybe]

[apoetmaybe]

And now that you are the last man left in the universe

I understand how entire species can go extinct

You don’t love me

You are too preoccupied with many other things

I don’t know what exactly

Nor do I truthfully care

I always used to think

You were the one to aspire to

For all the others I measured out against you

But I don’t where it went

The heart I loved

It’s like a dollar already spent

I look into your eyes, and there is no money for rent

[apoetmaybe]

I guess it’s your turn

You never wanted me

But I’m trying to be loved

You say you can’t fake it

I don’t blame you

Me neither

[apoetmaybe]

It is hard to be a whore

I know it

It is hard to want love and never receive

The trades that we fiends of the underworld make

Eyes for eyes

Death for death

Lies by Lies

When did I turn was it when the air grew cold

And the winter came suddenly

My lover would not venture into this sea for me

He looked terrified, Oh I was so happy to see him I sang

And he began to get frantic and I grew frantic too

Then he told me quick as he backed away

I do not! I do not love you

Leave me

The skies grew whiter and full of snowy clouds

The sun could not shine through

The ocean froze over

The ship froze on the sea

And there was a seething me

Alone at sea

And anything warm

I would grab it

I was hungry, so hungry

I’m still hungry

And the oceans here frozen over and may never thaw

And I sang to my love just this morning

Combing through my hair over the water

I saw my reflection

My hair so icy it cracks like blades of glass

My blackened eyes shadowed

My blue teeth sharp with jagged fangs

And I saw myself and I smiled so hauntingly

Proud in my anger and my pain and my emptiness

Adapted to the icy ocean

A killer

A beautiful siren creature singing to an empty, deadly sea

A pleasant, happy home

For my dearest love and me

But I don’t know what became of him

I can’t recall

But I was hungry

And he was all.

[apoetmaybe]

Incubus

The fever is turning me over in my sleep

Beads of perspiration

Nightmares now

I flinch

Get them away from me

Get them all away

Raise me up from from these beds

I am filthy and I am damned

I am ravaged and I am raped

Remove me

I am surely dying

Hell so dark as this

Hell so warm as this

I only want to die

I only want to die