anxypants-blog

[anxypants-blog]

I wish people could see how much pain I'm in.

[anxypants-blog]

Even therapists aren't sure. I don't think it's just emetophobia anymore. Feels more chronic anxiety

[anxypants-blog]

Ok so it's that time of year again. People going away on holidays, causing upheaval and stress, all while the sunshine slowly disappears and the rains come, nights get darker and everyone generally just feels like shit. One of my biggest challenges as an emetophobe is coping when the parents are away on holiday. Silly right? I'm 28 for gods sake. I often wonder how I'll cope when they die, which is terrible but imminent all the same.

I can't explain why my body does what it does when anything changes. The build up of my parents leaving means I have anxious moments in my day, while trying to force food into me so I can go to work and not pass out. Every now and then a nights sleep will be interrupted with a surge of panic and I find myself colouring in Fucking mandalas at 3am. Then once the dreaded day comes for them to go, my insides turn to absolute jelly, and I'm nervous, for the rest of the week. Constant nerves, constant diarrhoea, constant sick feeling, and panic attacks during the night and day. Not ideal for an emetophobe.

Last night and this morning, I pretty much laid in my bed, sweating with nerves, rubbing my stomach to ease the pain, and trying my damn hardest to think about other things. To distract myself. In the few moments I distract myself the nerves in my stomach ease slightly. Then obviously when I remember what's going on, it'll hit me and my stomach will drop and bang. the nerves again.

So, all I have to do is try to get through these next few days (they are only going for 4 days thank god). I'll need to keep hugely distracted, maybe do some crafts, see friends and obviously shop for stuff I don't need. I'll need to try my hardest to eat food, no matter how small the amount. And on Thursday somehow I'm Gna have to go to work....

[anxypants-blog]

Still confused on what Emetophobia is?!?!?! Look at this! 

[anxypants-blog]

[anxypants-blog]

New job

Even my therapist laughed at me when i told him i had a new job. He took his list of things for me to overcome and threw it away. Not out of spite of course, but because I’d ruined his plans to make small steps toward a better life and gone full blown into uncertainty. It wasn’t what I had planned for either. I only applied for the job because i was bored! Then it just kind of snowballed and now I’ve landed myself right in it.  Its a good thing obviously to most people, but for me its a huge test for my anxiety. I currently work in a detention centre, so as you can imagine, locked doors, keys and fobs to get around the building are the norm. Not ideal for someone who needs to get outside and near her car when in full blown panic. My new job is with the same company but in a bigger centre which of course means more doors and more keys. I’m scared shitless. What if it takes me ages to get from my desk to my car? What if I panic in front of everyone? what are they all going to think of me? what if im sick everywhere? what if i can NEVER get out? what if my panic attack NEVER stops? what if i NEVER stop throwing up and start shitting myself?

Literally so many questions, worries and fears in my brain just niggling away, stronger and stronger until I have my first day. Its exhausting. 

So i mean yeah, obviously my therapist is right to have concerns. This whole thing could go pete tong and I could wind up having no job at all, more depression due to failure and even more anxiety because I let my brain win this time round. What a stupid thing to do. I was quite happy in my mundane low paid job. Quite happy.

[anxypants-blog]

[anxypants-blog]

Hey Ya’ll

Ok, so, writing a blog. Never done it before. It seems fun. I’ve been told for a few months now to write a blog on all my mental health adventures, but until now I really couldn’t be assed. Whats changed? Well, I’m getting pissed off feeling like a  burden, like the ‘debbie downer’ of the group, pissed off trying to tell people exactly why I can’t do this or that, or why I’m worried, or why I cant eat, or why I cant concentrate blah blah the list goes on. In fact in reality, I’m doing this because I feel so so alone. I have my mother, who cares about me and loves me but has no idea whats happening inside my head, and I have a best friend who also loves me and is actually pretty good at just ‘getting it’. Thats it. Thats my support network. And I know how draining it can be for them to hear me complain and cry and ask them a thousand what ifs, so….instead of feeling angry and frustrated with my incessant thoughts…I’m gonna blog it.