anxiouslyfabulous

[anxiouslyfabulous]

im fucking back and im fucking up

i am fucking up again, trying to get attention from people who dont want me in their life. im fucking sick of this cycle!!! i wanna be with someone whom i know wants me back. i feel left out from my friends. they're all growing up and im stuck in the same old me; same old routine, same problems. i feel like they're tired of my shit. i mean, they're literally ignoring me, im like the dead end of every conversation, online. i get ignored when i speak, irl. and it doesn't feel good. this school year has been a rough one for me, probably the roughest one, so far. i found new friends, yes. idk if they'll be here for a long time tho. i like this fucking guy. dreamy and beautiful guy. he's all that and he's never gonna be mine. i feel bad towards my art. it's not good enough. it's always not good enough. well, i guess art indeed reflects its artist. my purpose is getting taken away by the same person who took him.

[anxiouslyfabulous]

letter to myself

dear 2018 jomari, you’re only 16 years old. there is soo much ahead of you; so many great things awaits you. you will be a well known fashion designer or whatever you want to be, you will be successful and everyone will look up to you. they will want to be like you.

right now, you are in a lot of pain. you are lonely, stressed, and lost. you dont know where you’re heading but i promise you, you will make it. you have a family and good friends that you can always count on. they are always there for you, dont worry.

boys. boys will hurt you and hurt you and hurt you more but please be strong because you are. you’re seeking for love right now; seeking for attention. and it will hurt you so much because you cant find the one. the one who will take you seriously and love you like you desire to be loved.

jomari, you have been so strong since you were a kid. you’ve been trough a lot and that made you strong. you are worth it, dont you ever doubt yourself because you are lovely and you should love yourself. dont seek love from other people because you can do that for yourself.

i want you to read this whenever you are sad, lonely, depressed or anything. i promise you, you will be big!!! you are THAT BITCH!!!!!

[anxiouslyfabulous]

shit i thought im over him. after about 5 months, i was ok. until this week. my bestfriend likes him too. she was judt holding it back for me. and then when i knew about their thing, i knew i still like him.

[anxiouslyfabulous]

i am not ok!! this is too much for me. i am confused and sad and anxious and empty. i wanna be a lot of things but not like this.

i transferred to a university bc i wanted change. i met my classmates, i adjusted already, i love them. and then the management fucked it all up. they changed my section. i wasn’t ready for that. i got so anxious, i stayed in my bed for days and didn’t go to school. im procrastinating. i think i might fail this semester. i wanna do things. i wanna try. but my body says no.

[anxiouslyfabulous]

i need my room back

hello mom, i need my room back.

i need my room where i can be alone.

i need my room where i can think silently.

i need my room where i can cry alone.

i need my room where i can feel things i ought to feel.

i need my room where i can let everything inside me, out.

i need my room back.

i need to lock myself in it to feel free.

i need to lock myself in it to be me.

please, please let me.

i need my room back for it is my world.

i need my room back for it has my bed where i lay when im tired; tired in all aspects.

i need my room back for it has my pillow, the friend who never left me.

i need my room back for my blanket is inside it. my blanket who keeps me warm when everything seems so cold.

mama, papa, pls give it back to me if you want me to stay alive.

[anxiouslyfabulous]

it hurts soooo bad to see your love, love someone else.

[anxiouslyfabulous]

an open letter to the guy i like who i know will never like me back

oyy!! haha sorry ang kulit ko ha? palagi mo na kong iniinbox pero desperada ako. chat parin ako ng chat. kasi iba yung sayang nadudulot sakin kapag nagrereply ka. salamat parin.

aalis ka na kasi soon diba? so napag isip isip ko na it’s now or never. atleast, kahit hindi ka maging akin, masasabi kong sumubok ako.

antanga. antanga ko kasi tanga nanaman ako sa lalaki. palagi nalang akong tanga. tanga. tatanga-tanga.

nasaktan ako. nasasaktan ako. masasaktan ako. alam ko yon.

nasaktan ako nang malaman kong aalis ka na, nang malaman kong may pagtingon ka sa aking kaibigan.

nasasaktan ako dahil hindi parin ako tumitigil kahit na alam kong kailangan.

masasaktan ako kapag umalis ka na nga at wala parin akong napapala. pero ok lang, unconditional naman.

alam kong sobrang babaw pero sobrang sarap sa feeling at sobrang sakit parin.

ilang beses kong inisip nung chinat kita dahil may karanasan ako sa mga kaibigan mo at alam kong straight ka pero tanga ako eh.

..........

[anxiouslyfabulous]

awang awa na ako sa sarili ko

[anxiouslyfabulous]

K T

so i like this boy from school. i keep assuming that he likes me back and it’s not healthy for me but damn i cant stop.

he’s friends with the guys whi bullied me back on 8th grade.

apparently, he’s straight.

he’s good looking and im not.

but for god’s sake, why cant i get over him?

i mean it’s not just a simple crush. i want him!!! i want him to be my boyfriend!!

but yeah i think he likes my friend and he’s going back to usa on april.

there’s just so many odds and i cant keep up with all of it. i cant fucking control my feelings towards him!! i always get jealous and i dont wanna be!!! i dont wanna feel this way to a guy i know i cant have!!!

[anxiouslyfabulous]

an open letter to those who stayed

thank you. i appreciate you so much. words could not express my gratefulness. i hope the best for us in 2018!!! i love you :)

[anxiouslyfabulous]

an open letter to those who left me this year..

this year was a blast, isn’t it? or it still is for we still have half a week.

this year is dull, yes. it’s boring. plain boring. but other than that, this year’s hell. it is hell in sooo many ways. 2017 is three-fourths of my senior year. if i am not mistaken, senior year is supposed to be fun and exciting. mine? well i prefer my junior year....

let’s go back to the first 3 months of 2017..

FUN. FUN. FUN.

and then the next three months.

FUN. fun. fun?

and then june came.. ( this is where hell comes )

first day of school, hmm new adviser. ok?!? new set of classmates.. not bad.

someone came back. bAng!!!

he came back to be friends. he came back to make me feel good and bad. he came back to be proud of his new one. he came back to leave me lonesome again and i am so stupid for hoping that he came back to say sorry and to make it up to me.

i was wrong.

i didn’t hurt as much as i did before when he left me for the first time.

but since i was seeking for attention. for love. i hunt. i hunt and hunt until i cry.

i saw what i wanted but they left.

i felt what i wanted but it didn’t last for long.

along with heartbreaks and loneliness. there’s family problems.

ok, let’s put it this way...

a mOTHERFUCKER CAME.

i thought then i was about to live a life with a broken family but good lord, thank you!!

my academics tho, they were better this year than the last.. ✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻

so let’s go back to my heartbreaks..

(damn they were a lot.)

so yeah, it wasn’t love. im just easily attached and i hate that. fml.

so here it goes..

to everyone who left me: thank you.

to everyone who left me: sorry.

to everyone who left me: fuck you.

you made me feel things and i thank you for that. but dear, i am so sorry that i am not enough for you. but boo, fuck you for not telling me.

let me tell you this: i am gonna make it next year and you will drool. you will regret leaving me and i wont care.

it will be your biggest regret.

now, to end things properly. bye!!

[anxiouslyfabulous]

a list of things im tired of:

• chasing people (but i cant stop)

• getting isolated

• underestimation

• listening to my mom ranting about how worthless i am.

• anxiety

• loneliness

• math

• overthinking

• getting unappreciated

• not being first on anything

A LIST OF THINGS I CANT STOP: ^^

[anxiouslyfabulous]

nagdodoubt na talaga ako sa sarili ko kung may mali ba sakin kasi palagi nalang ako iniiwan

[anxiouslyfabulous]

look at my notes, not here..

[anxiouslyfabulous]

desperately looking for someone to save me

[anxiouslyfabulous]

i just wanna feel wanted, that's all. is that too much to ask?

[anxiouslyfabulous]