anxiousadequacy

[anxiousadequacy]

Oof

It's always nice to start the week with the kick to the groin.

I had what I thought of as a friend, but now things seem to be changing, and I'm sure if I can trust this person or anyone else. It's gotten uncomfortable and undefined.

[anxiousadequacy]

I’m not doing much today

It’s a Saturday. It’s been raining all day. I’m home alone and mentally wandering between the desire for productivity and succumbing to a desperate need for relaxation.

So far, relaxation is winning. It’s just after 3:00, and I’ve accomplished little of substance. I drank the rest of the cold brew. I made a few bill payments. I finished the Crime Scene miniseries about the woman who “vanished” at the Hotel Cecil in Los Angeles. I ate too much.

This is a rare chance for me to be alone. I could do many things (that don’t require much money), and I’m still sitting on the front porch, listening to the rain tapping on the leaves and grass and tumbling out of the gutters clogged with decomposing plant matter and onto the pavement. Four hours of Fitbit have logged 200 steps. 

Stagnant.

It’s not relaxing. Inconsistently calming. I look out the windows and at the door, as if I expect someone or something to appear. The clock keeps dancing in front of me. It’s 12:10. It’s 12:43. It’s 1:02. It’s 1:19. It’s 1:37. It’s 1:42. It’s 2:00.

I liked the way the Hotel Cecil documentary ended even though it was tragic. It was interesting to hear people acknowledge their willingness to let their minds wander to conspiracy theories. It’s interesting how the human mind craves a better answer for things, even when those answers would mean a more sinister world.

It’s 3:17.

I will get up. Movement. Movement will help. If I keep moving, something might happen. I’ll get something done. I get cleaned up. I’ll go do something. If I make a list, I’ll check off items. It will feel good to accomplish tasks.

It will stop raining, but I’m not doing much today.