anxious-glow

[anxious-glow]

Got into my dream school

I cried the moment I received the admission email. They notified me earlier than expected too. I cried a lot throughout the next few days because I was happy and because of the financial support my parents were willing to give. It was the first and most prestigious school I applied to and I got in. I am absolutely honored and proud.

My parents didn't know the school so they weren't as excited as I was but they were still happy for me and said that I was excellent. People around me also congratulated me. One part of me sort of knew that I would get in because I had done many extra-curricular activities in my field and worked in consulting which was a posh job for which I payed the price for through 60 hour work weeks. But still, I could've been wrong.

I have mixed feelings regarding this experience. First of all ofcourse I am thrilled to be headed to Paris next fall and study at an amazing university. But I also feel imposter syndrome, for some reason I feel as if people did not believe that I would get into SciencesPo which is implausible because I barely told anyone about wanting to go there. So maybe this is what I think of myself.

Also, there was 1 message that I got after announcing my admission that bothered me: someone I met through extra-curricular activities said that she had practically given up on studying abroad but after seeing my get in she suddenly got motivated. What is that supposed to mean? If I could get in then she could as well? I didn't feel this way at that moment and encouraged her to pursue her dreams but looking back it was offensive. Did she think that we were on the same level? This person barely speaks English, transfered schools 3 times -though none of them were accredited universities-and she graduated at 30. On top of that her personal life is so questionable that I do not even dare post it here. I don't mean to look down on other people but if someone in her position says such things it really feels as if my sacrifice, dedication and hardwork is being underestimated.

In addition, if this is how she thinks of me then other people could also have been seeing me in this light. If so, I feel like a baffoon. Maybe I should've bragged more about my success. Or is it all in my head?

[anxious-glow]

Can anyone please tell me why my cat poops on the floor and not in her litter box?🐱🐈

My cat has 2 litter boxes and she pees in both but always poops on the floor next to the boxes. I’ve tried everything to maker her poop in the box.

1) I’ve tried covering the floor with aluminum foil which worked for a day but then she lifted the foil and pooped under it. 📃

2) I sprinkled lemon juice where she poops so that she would be steered away by the smell. It worked one time but she eventually got used to the smell. 🍋

3) I tried putting her in her litter box just as she was about to poop but she got angry and didnt poop. 🐈

4) I put 2 litter boxes so she can choose. She ended up using both for peeing. 📦

What’s strange is that she very rarely (but sometimes) poops in the box. It’s almost as if she did it just to try it out because there is no pattern or reason for it that I can understand.

Since she poops on the floor I have to wake up in the middle of the night to her scratching sounds and clean up her poop. The smell is absolutely putrid.

[anxious-glow]

2024.11.03.

Woke up late again against my expectations. Me and my bf decided to celebrate our 2 yeaf anniversary early by eating out and seeing a movie at the theater. I had the best donkatsu ever today. It was impressive, I would go again. We watched ‘Long legs’ and scared straight. The first scene was scary and there were no buildups to the scary scenes they just popped up unexpected. I definitely recommend watching it.

On another note, I should really fix my phone addiction. Time flies so fast when I’m on it and it’s not even entertaining. I waste so much time being on it.

Apparently it’s black friday season. All the stores and brands are having a big sale which tempt me into buying things that I kinda (don’t) need. I wish I had the money to splurge on shopping but my credit card bill is half as much as my salary this month. I’m not irresponsible with money. I had to spend a significant amount for my IELTS, GRE registartion fees and grad school application fees. I’m literally working just for grad school.

I feel so poor

[anxious-glow]

2024.10.31.

I’ve been having second thoughts about a close friend. She’s changed and has become hnpleasant to be with. She wasnt always like this, I think her other friend has been a bad influence on her. The last time I met her was the last straw. I was contemplating on whether or not to cut her off completely. Then she contacted me and I wondered whether it was time to confront her or not because I thought I should give our friendship a chance. I didn’t mention how i felt because I’m busy enough juggling my job, side job and GRE. Maybe I don’t need confrontation and should just become a distant friend.

[anxious-glow]

2024.10.27.

Where did my youth go? I feel as if every waking moment of my life is either spent studying behind a desk or working a soul-crushing job. Preparing for the GRE while working full time leaves me no time for fun and enjoying my life and income.

Quantitative reasoning is the most difficult part for me, so I’ve been studying the math review section. I learned this all in middleschool yet it seems so difficult to understand. It makes me think that if I find middleschool math difficult then I shouldn’t be taking the GRE for an economics program. I am unsure whether to delay my test or not because I’ve spent a significant amount on the test itself and I don’t want to spend needless money on rescheduling it.

[anxious-glow]

2024.10.24.

Had a bad day at work. Actually everything went smoothly until I got feedback from my senior after the last class of the day. The other teachers have been sitting in on some of my classes and giving me feedback for the past few weeks. I thought I was getting better because they said that I got better handling the materials and said that I could teach a few classes all by myself even though I was supposed to take turns with another teacher.

But today one of them gave me a lot of feedback and apparently the director also wants to give me feedback based on what the other teachers observed. It gave me a strange feeling becase that morning during the meeting, the director was talking about how she would cut off students who were not trying their best just as how she would cut off teachers who are not doing a good job. After getting feedback I reminisced about what happened this morning and started to worry if the director was talking about me. Am I getting fired?

[anxious-glow]

Just my kitty.zip

[anxious-glow]

2024.10.21.

I started teaching Korean online about a month ago as a side job after my day job. I teach English during the day and Korean at night. It’s fun and so rewarding, I genuinely enjoy it. But it takes time to prepare the lesson plan before the class itself. I had lesson with a new student today and it did not go as planned. I was embarrassed and also disappointed because I spent a lot of time preparing the lesson.

I wonder if I can even take another student since I also have to study for the GRE. I can’t sacrifice my studies for a side hustle. I’m getting anxious just thinking about the text and how I don’t have a lot of time. 😬

[anxious-glow]

haven't heard from you in such a long time . . . miss seeing your entries on my feed ^^ hope you are doing fine!

Hi! Thanks for checking up on me!

Thank you for reading my posts. I’ve found a bit of peace and time for myself now. I’ve been craving to let out my thoughts ><

I just posted a diary entry about my recent life!

[anxious-glow]

2024.10.21.

A lot of time has passed since I last entered a diary. Half of the year flew by and I didn’t get to document it. So many things have happened, I finished my first project and quit my job in consulting because I couldn’t bear the 60 hour work week. After that I went on a trip to Europe to have fun before the new job search.

I’ve been working at a private educational institute (학원) as a teacher for almost 2 months now. I get paid less than my last job but that’s because I work a lot less. I wanted to have a less stressful job where I can have time for myself until I get into grad school. The best part about the job is that I start work in the afternoon and it’s only a 10 minute walk commute!

I just submitted my application for my dream grad school a few hours ago. It was a tight ddadline to meet especially since I had to work a full time job as well. My motivation letter is not well written because I had never written motivation letters for school before. I got advice from my sister but I knew it still was not enough. It doesn’t matter because I can’t attend unless I get a scholarship anyways. I just wanted to apply to see if I could get in. Ideally I get both admission and the scholarship but the chances are slim- 12% and 4% respectively to be exact.

I also started teaching online as a side job to make extra money. It’s fun but it takes up a lot of time so I have to be wise with it. The rest of my year will consist of me working and taking tests and applying to grad school. I hope one day this will all end.

[anxious-glow]

2024.03.30.

Took my cat to the vet because she had diarrhea multiple times today. Me and my bf wanted to to wait to go to the vet after we built trust eith our newly adopted cat. But her bowel movement was concerning. She was so mad when we pit her in the carry-on bag. The vet prescribed basic diarrhea medication and probiotics and special kibble samples to help with her digestion. She gave a bunch of instructions and answered many of my questions. There was a lot of information going on that I had to take notes. I also asked if my cat was fat- the vet said she was chubby but not at a concerning level.

I felt bad after forcing a pill down her throat. But we had to. Hopefully she gets better soon. Even though she growled when we gave her medication she didn’t scratch or try to attack us. She’s sweet.

[anxious-glow]

2034.03.29.

Finally, Friday!

I felt happy that day so I put on makeup to work for the first since the first week I started working. The morning was very relaxed, I had no work to do(which is rare) so I looked up online courses with credit so i can apply for grad school.

One of my colleagues left the company today. She didn’t tell anyone until today. Everyone was surprised so now I have to take on her work. She must be so relieved to leave the company. She left for personal reasons, I think it had something to do with her family in the US. This is the 3rd time seeing a colleague leave.

[anxious-glow]

2024.03.28.

Stayed at the office as usual to support a project. My colleague who is assisting felt totally slammed and lost with the project so me and the intern were worried when our senior colleague was discussing it with her. She felt frustrated and lost and is probably why she suddenly said, “why are you dumping all the work on me” when I said that I’ve finished and that I would send her the file. I was confused because I finished my part and all that was left was hers. She eventually apologized after realizing that my part was finished and seeing me bark at her. I ended up staying late to help her finish her part which she said that she would do.

On another note, my cat is so playful and cute.

[anxious-glow]

2024.03.27.

I feel like a boring person. My senior at work is so fun to be with and always makes people laugh. Today we went to a client to present our proposal. I was afraid I was boring her during the walk to and from the client. My persona at work is different from that of when I’m with my friends. Which, I think, is normal. I have always struggled to be more cheerful at work but it just doesn’t happen naturally.

[anxious-glow]

2024.03.26.

My whole world is about cats now. My bf is like a mom to a new born. He keeps texting me about how he’s worried about her teeth and how we should buy dental snacks and another litter box because she keeps pooping on the floor even though she already one.

On other matters, I’m getting used to goinf to work. It feels different from my past jobs because I don’t dread waking up and I don’t think about quitting even though I am always nervous. I don’t know if I’ve become accustomed to being a slave to capitalists or I have learned to come to terms with being an office slave. Either way, I feel a little bit at peace.

[anxious-glow]

Hi! English is my second language too and I didn't know earlier but *costed is not a word, the past tense of "cost" is also "cost".

ooohh I didn’t know! Thank you for telling me!🤓

[anxious-glow]

your cat is so cute! You may have to update her shots a little later, so make syre you budget for that. My city makes us get rabies shots every few years, for example. & also have a little set aside in case there is a medical emergency. I hope she brings lots of you to your life :)

Thank you!! I love having her around. She is so cute and fascinating ♥️