anxious-ghost-writer

[anxious-ghost-writer]

Never loved~

If I close my eyes,

it never happened.

There was never this fatal attraction.

built by such a deep connection.

I wonder what if

and why this happened.

Things were great,

now they're gone .

You were the one that strung me along.

I thought that I could count on you.

Now I know I should never trust you.

Sadness, anger, and a lot of frustration.

Was this friendship we had my imagination?

" nothing good will come of this"

their warnings I ignored,

for the feelings you made me experience.

I wonder what if,

and why this happened.

Why I got caught up in this fatal attraction,

started by a deep connection.

I trusted you, till the end.

when you showed me the truth...

I never meant anything at all to you.

[anxious-ghost-writer]

~Striking sin~

Slipping into the shadows,

Patiently waiting for my prey.

You were an unsuspecting victim,

Who had a part to play.

You released the darkness from inside,

Unleashed my dark desires I hide.

Now face without fear, the wild side.

As I greedily take what is rightfully mine.

I'll rack your body with pleasure and pain

Torture you so much, you'll feel you're going insane.

Beg me for mercy, yet beg me for more,

I'll feed off it all, till you can't give any more.

Into the shadows I'll go again.

Waiting for the next victim.

For I am Lust, one of the seven deadly sins.

[anxious-ghost-writer]

I always hear about how cerebral palsy doesn't worsen with age, but no one ever says your body doesn't start to struggle more because of it.

I was diagnosed at two with mild spastic cerebral palsy. At age four I had surgery to lengthen my calf muscles in my right leg, and I did physical therapy till I started the sixth grade, at which time I was told I was strong enough that I no longer needed it. I was proud of myself and considered myself lucky.

I didn't need any assistive devices, I could do everything on my own, including driving as long as I used both feet. I tore the muscles in both my legs more than once and while they weren't 100% sure, the doctors I saw think it was due to my muscles becoming too tight over the last few years. I had to use crutches for weeks, but still was able to go back to what was considered normal for me. Walking unassisted.

This past year has been challenging for everyone, and I know there are plenty of people worse off than me, however the struggles I've faced this year alone is overwhelming.

One of which is I've slowly started losing my ability to walk. My calf muscles will tighten so much that I can't move my legs and can barely manage to sit down. I am often relying on my roommates to help me sit down in my walker so that I can be pushed until my legs loosen up. The pain is extremely unbearable, it not only affects me physically but mentally too. I go to physical therapy one to three times a week, I stretch at home, I try to keep moving, and yet it continues to worsen.

So while cerebral palsy may not worsen as you age, your body does and the struggles get harder, leaving feelings of anger and frustration; wondering why? Why you? Why now? A lot of questions often don't have an answer and leaves your head spinning with more questions.

This is something I feel needs to be talked about. Not just that cerebral palsy doesn't worsen as you get older, but the challenges ahead that you may have to face; and for the record I'm only thirty-three. I want to be here for others growing up like me, I want them to understand the truth and help them figure out a life that they can enjoy with as little to no pain if possible. I wish there was someone like that for me, but I can at least be that person for someone else.

It takes strength to push through the struggles, get over the hurdles for anyone; but those of us that have disabilities our obstacles are bigger and harder. Never forget we can succeed, we can be happy, we can live the life we want. We just have to never stop trying.

I have cerebral palsy, but I won't let it define me. My story is not done, and I will be the one to write my own ending.

[anxious-ghost-writer]

Everything seems to fade, only to be replaced with lonliness and pain.

Its hard to breathe, they dont understand because its not something they can see.

That behind the smiles and assuring words of "I'm fine" is the truth of unshed tears, mind full of fears...

Wishing someone would see beyond the lies, tell her they know, and its Allright, that she isnt alone and doesnt have to hide... but that only happens in the dreams inside her mind

[anxious-ghost-writer]

My heart aches, longing to be loved.

Wondering if i will ever find someone.

I wander only to find an empty path,

Filled with tears and no way back.

Is there someone out there for me?

Am i destined to search for eternity?

I love so strongly, yet i'm all alone.

No one to lean on, no one to hold.

Still i search, cluching my aching heart,

Hoping this path will lead to someone to love.

[anxious-ghost-writer]

I try my hardest to make things right, but in the end there's always a fight.

Broken records on repeat,

Skipping each time, never hearing

I'm sorry

Tears of pain hidden behind tired eyes,

Struggling to get out the words each time.

Anger, frustration sorrow.

A never ending storm, drowning out the possibility of sun tomorrow.

No matter what I say, no matter what I do, it makes no difference to you.

So I'll fall back into doubt, wondering what will be next?

Will we ever end this fued, and start again?

No, time stands still...

History repeating, like the broken record.

Skipping the healing.

[anxious-ghost-writer]

They hold her heart in their hands, to love and mend the broken parts. Or to crush it beyond repair, but still she has chosen to risk everything, just to feel anything. Giving her all to that one person hoping it wouldnt fall apart.

She loves them fiercely, but tries to hold herself back; trying not to push too hard, to far: as to not drive them away. Even though deep down shes aching with every fiber of her soul, wanting to be seen, needing to be heard.

The longing is a weight pulling her down like a riptide, sinking further beneath the surface. Unable to think rationally, having to keep it all inside.

Each thought, every desire, is to be wanted and loved the way she loves, and always be by their side.

However knowing she feels like shes not good enough is like another knife sinking into her heart and soul.

Still she takes this chance, she blindly follows her heart, where the love she desires goes.

[anxious-ghost-writer]

Her voice vibrates throughout the room, but no one hears her. She wonders why, as tears well up in her eyes as everyone... no as he continues to ignore her. Time and again, this scene plays out, her heart aches feeling like she sould be used to this by now.

Why does she bother? Feeling defeated her voice quiets, soon falling completely silent. Wondering if he would even notice, or will she continue to fade into the background until she disappears all together?

She watches as he turns to leave, unchanged by the tears that stain her cheeks.

He soon becomes the reason, she no longer speaks. The reason her heart shatters into a thousand pieces. All because to him she doesnt exist. And soon shell fade for everyone else. Her voice gone silent.