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mama a Body behind you 😰 // pt1/pt2/pt3

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Conversation that Tumblr is not ready for:

A Vampire's fangs are also it's reproductive organs

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Public speaking is actually really easy if you don't respect a single soul in that room. I've had an incredibly easy time delivering speeches when I hated everybody I saw and they all thought I did amazing because my disdain was read as confidence. I don't have any tips for you I'm just telling you a fact

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somewhere on exandria essek just sensed that his husband did something hot and sexy and tripped and fell on his face

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This episode really demonstrates why M9 won the battle royale. They really are nigh unkillable.

They are rolling like dogshit and losing spell slots left and right, have less PCs than the VM fight at the Key, have taken exhaustion points and soo much damage, and their healing is being sabotaged.

But they still managed to complete their encounter in less than 1 episode. They managed to avoid all the obstacles leading to the boss fight. They had no deaths.

This party build is legit insane. Theyre so mobile, cant pin them down. Their casters control the battlefield. Their tanks are basically immortal. They have 2 guaranteed Divine Interventions, 2 Mass Heals. They have 1 Vestige, and an unending well of tricks in Fjord and Veth. They are dripping with advantages, resistances, and rerolls.

Mighty Nein most qualified assholes for the job fr.

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congrats to rashid realrashid for surviving the season, btw. born to serve cunt, forced to serve lunch, actually serves the truth on a golden platter. and also probably served the loumand divorce papers.

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THEY’RE SO CUTE IM SICK HAPPY PRIDE CLAUDELEINE!!!🏳️‍🌈

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he has a 100% divorce rate btw

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critical role ships as hozier songs

vax / keyleth : francesca

percy / vex : work song

pike / scanlan : foreigner's god

fjord / jester : nobody

beau / yasha : as it was

caleb / essek : from eden

imogen / laudna : NFWMB

orym / dorian : like real people do

ashton / fearne : dinner & diatribes

specific lyrics that i feel like represent the pairings under the cut!

vax / keyleth : francesca

how could you think, darling, i'd scare so easily?

my life was a storm, since i was born, how could i fear any hurricane?

if i could hold you for a minute, darling, i'd go through it again

it was too soon, when that part of you was ripped away

i would not change it each time, heaven is not fit to house a love like you and i

percy / vex : work song

when my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold dark earth, no grave can hold my body down, i'll crawl home to her

and i was burning up a fever, i didn't care much how long i lived

but i swear, i thought i dreamed her, she never asked me once about the wrong i did

if the lord don't forgive me, i'd still have my baby and my babe would have me

in the low lamplight, i was free, heaven and hell were words to me

pike / scanlan : foreigner's god

she moved with shameless wonder, the perfect creature rarely seen

her eyes look sharp and steady into the empty parts of me

wondering who i copy, mustering some tender charm

breaking if i try conveying, the broken love i make to her

fjord / jester : nobody

i'd be appalled if i saw you ever try to be a saint, i wouldn't fall for someone i thought couldn't misbehave

but i've had no love like your love from nobody

if i had the choice between hearing either noise, the excitement of a thousand, or the soothing of your voice

and on the other side, why should we deny the truth? we could have less to worry about, honey, i won't lie to you

beau / yasha : as it was

and in a few days i will be there, love, whatever here that's left of me is yours, just as it was

the lights were as bright as my baby, but your love was unmoved

tell me if, somehow, some of it remains, how long you would wait for me and how long i've been away

the shape that i'm in now, your shape in the doorway, make your good love known to me or just tell me about your day

and the nights were as dark as my baby, and half as beautiful too

caleb / essek : from eden

there's something tragic about you, something so magic about you, don't you agree?

honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago

innocence died screaming, honey, ask me, i should know

there's something broken about this, but i might be hoping about this

a rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree

imogen / laudna : NFWMB

give your heart and soul to charity, cause the rest of you, the best of you, honey, belongs to me

ain't it a gentle sound, the rolling in the graves?

if i was born as a blackthorn tree, i'd wanna be felled by you, held by you, fuel the pyre of your enemies

ain't it the life of you, your lightning of the blaze?

orym / dorian : like real people do

i will not ask you where you came from, i will not ask and neither should you

i know that look, dear, eyes always seeking, was there in someone that dug long ago

honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips, we should just kiss like real people do

ashton / fearne : dinner & diatribes

i knew well from our first hookup, the look of mischief in your eyes

your friends are a fate that befell me, hell is the talking type, i'd suffer hell if you'd tell me what you'd do to me tonight

honey, i laugh when it sinks in, a pillar i am, upright

now that the evening is slowing, now that the end's in sight, honey, it's easier knowing what you'd do to me tonight

oh, let there be hotel complaints and grievances raised and that kind of love

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We talk a lot about Caduceus being god’s favorite but the Stormlord was ready to burn a whole tribe with lightening bolts to defend his lesbian daughter, and Yasha didn’t even have to ask

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My headcannon for the attendants at the Stone-Lavorre Destination Wedding (on the moon??)

Invited and showed up

Expositor Lionett of the Cobalt Soul (Best Man/ Maid of Honour/New Mother) her wife: The OrphanMakerTaker (renowned harpist and murderer stay at home mom) and an undisclosed number of recently amassed orphans.

Professor Widogast of the Soltryce Academy (Best Man/ Will-turn-into-a-TRex-and-walk-Jester-down-the-aisle) his partner: the Wanted War Criminal Cobalt Soul Archivist Essek Thelyss Seth Domade (designated driver teleporter) and his brother colleague idk man they just know each other stop asking questions: Taskhand Verin Thelyss (Commander of the Krynn Dynasty’s Umbra Watch and canonical Ashari weeb)

Veth Brenatto (Maid of Honour/ Founder and leader of the Wildemount Wildlings/ recovering? Alcoholic) her husband: Yeza Brenatto (owner of Brenatto’s Better Self Apothecary, doing Okay please don’t ask him about that time he was kidnapped and ate his own clothes. Or that time his son burnt alive. Or what’s going on with the current status of his marriage) and their son: Luc Brenatto (Flower Boy - too old to be a flower boy. Mad that he was asked to be a flower boy. Teenager.) Also Nugget the Dog (ring bearer. Ate the rings.)

Champion of the Wildmother Caduceus Clay (Best Man/ designated cleric ‘will cast lesser restoration after you throw up’ / caterer it’s ok there will also be non-vegan options) and an unknown number of his parents and siblings that have never been to a wedding before and probably shouldn’t have started with this one)

Current Plank King Kingsley Tealeaf (Best Man/Fjord invited him here so he could steal back his boat) and a handful of miscellaneous pirates here for the free booze

That group of weirdos they met on the moon and didn’t expect to actually survive show up, including Lesbian (Purple / Beau and Yasha wanna fuck her ), Bisexual (Dead / Beau and Yasha wanna fuck her), Short Guy (Gay Sad Fighter) , Blue Guy (heading up the wedding band), Fire Lady (Hot, Wants to fuck Beau and Yasha), The Minotaur (Evil? Veth is gonna ruin her marriage tonight for sure Officiant???), Rocks (Rocks. free light feature.) and Strange Old Man (Caleb wanted him here. They hoped he might have passed in his sleep by now)

The Ruby of the Sea, Marion Lavorre (Mother of the Bride. Semi-retired courtesan. Agoraphobic. Wishes her daughter would’ve please just thrown an indoor wedding.) her husband? boyfriend? paramour? They’re not putting a label on it yet: The Gentleman, Babenon Dosal (Father of the Bride. Semi-retired crime lord mob boss human smuggler (repented) man of ill repute, kinda mad he wasn’t asked to walk his daughter down the aisle but whatever. Getting slammed down Big Style tonight and every night by Exandria’s Wet Dream)

Vandran (Father ‘Old Guy Who Was Nice To Him At A Pivotal Age’ of the Groom. Is having a number of rather concerning Tusk Love flashbacks. Thinks he probably should’ve stayed on his island. Jester keeps trying to set him up with Captain Adella (formally of the Drensala Vis. Now of Stone’s Throw Shipping) … there might be something there.

Marius LePual (pirate sailor, still not a murderer, immediately hammered)

Seafaring legend Orly Skiffback (pirate tattooist, is not tattooing for free. Is not in charge of Marius tonight)

Dwarven explorer Dagen Underthorn (no one’s sure he’s definitely here tonight. Beau thinks she saw him by the magic portapotty. Beau is drunk)

Enchanter Pumat Sol. And also Enchanter Pumat Sol. And also Enchanter Pumat Sol. The fourth one couldn’t get the time off work (half of the enchanted party decorations here are rentals from the Invulnerable Vagrant. They are not giving jester her deposit back)

Kiri (Flower girl. A more age appropriate choice. Luc is teaching her how to Crossbow uncle Fjord when he’s not looking) also the entire Schuster family is here too.

The Lightbringer of Uthodurn, Reanmimere (Flower girl back up ring bearer after Caduceus retrieved the rings from inside nugget it was super gross she bears the rings as a giant snake)

Professor Eadwulf Grieve of the Soltryce Academy (former-government-spy-assassin-wizard, currently the Cerberus Assembly’s equivalent of the gym teacher who also covers sex ed. Was startled by a Jester-Sending in the middle of the night and RSVP’d yes on impulse. Astrid wouldn’t help him get out of it. She kept laughing at him and it was mean)

The Traveler (Officiant / not a god / sometimes a weasel)

Sprinkle (always a weasel / dreams of a cosmic death / dyed blue to be Jester’s something blue even though… Jester… is blue?? Sprinkle is not having it)

Invited but did not show up:

Expositor Dairon of the Cobalt Soul (said to Beau ‘dear gods don’t make me go, I’ll do whatever you want.’ Is now covering Beau’s paperwork until she’s back from vacation)

Calianna (still hunting bowls. Sends her love.)

The Bright Queen (returned an official notice flanked by two armed guards to please not contact her by message spell again unless there is a war.)

Archmage of Civil Influence Astrid Becke of the Cerberus Assembly (absolutely thrilled that Eadwulf accidentally agreed to this shit. Would rather submerge herself in hot oil than be at this wedding herself. Said so to Jester’s face. Also the Soltryce Academy is currently down two faculty members and somehow that’s her problem and you have no idea how hard it is to find a good substitute who isn’t gonna teach the kids evil.)

Vilya of the air ashari (the second that Rumblecusp was floated as a location she decided she was actually super busy that week.)

Jamedi Cosko (said ‘I don’t know you’. Is sticking by that.)

Allura Vysoren (sent a very expensive gift. Is making the conscious decision to separate herself from the Mighty Nein for the sake of her blood pressure. One adventuring party to babysit is more than enough) and Kima of Vord (barely remembers who these people are except the tall one and her hot wife)

Keg (currently a centaur. It’s awkward seeing the girl you once fucked be happily married with stolen orphan children while you’re currently a centaur)

Yussa Errenis (missing in action. They’ll figure out what mess he’s gotten himself into after the honeymoon. At this point it’s on him when this shit happens)

Not invited but showed up anyway

Gelidon, The Nightmare in ivory (angry)

Avantika (dead. angry.)

Isharnai the Prism Sage (angry. wants her promised hands)

Professor Thaddeus (bird. angry.)

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The Pantheon of Exandria;

"One thing, Dad. [Mortals] don't fear you, they resent you."

No Children by The Mountain Goats // Critical Role: Campaigns 1 and 3, Critical Role's Downfall

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three person poly relationship made up of two people who are already dating trying to coax someone with horrific self worth issues into a loving relationship. stray cat style

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YESSSS HIMBRO WITH GLAIVE REP ARRIVES! YESSSSSS

Everything about this was perfect XD