anxie-tayyy-blog

[anxie-tayyy-blog]

10/7/19-10/13/19

more on my new job:

this week was pretty okay. it was productive. i started the week off by going to some meeting to get myself started with my new job i mentioned in my last post. after that meeting, i got my work schedule...which i was excited but also scared about. i have not been very good at keeping my jobs in the past. my first job was at a daycare and i quit because i was tired of the management. my second job was at a meat market and i quit because i was tired of the chaos with customers AND employees. i am now a receptionist, which is calmer than my previous jobs, but i was still afraid because i still have to interact with customers. i was only scheduled 3 days of the week from 8am-1pm which was pretty easy to manage because i am more productive in the mornings. the job was pretty simple, though, because all i had to do was learn the basics and observe other people do the job so i can learn how to do it. so my anxiety didnt get in the way too much.

college struggles:

this week i had my first midterm. although i only had 1 exam, i did not pay enough attention to realize i had the exam this week until THIS week. so, i had to cram all my studying and push aside all my other classes to study for....which i dont recommend anybody to do, but i have no authority to tell anyone what to do at this point... SO for three nights of the week, i studied from 3-pm till bedtime and took the exam on thursday. GOOD NEWS, i felt pretty good about it. i recognized the information in every single question. now, i just needed to wait for the score i made to confirm that i did actually know what i was doing. 

my weekend:

friday night was very interesting for me. for the first time in my life, i attended a drag show. now, i am not going to say whether i enjoyed it or not because i dont want to influence or offend anyone else’s opinion because i VALUE everyone’s opinion whether i agree with it or not. but i do want to say it was a very interesting experience. after the show i made a VERY last minute decision to go visit my boyfriend for the weekend (note: he lives an hour and a half away and the show ended at 10pm). He had no idea i was coming and the look on his face when i walked into his house was so worth the very tired drive i experienced. Saturday, we spent the morning sleeping. then i had dylan make ME breakfast while i drove to get me some starbucks. then i spent the afternoon studying for another exam while he sat and kept me company. later that evening we went to a very cute festival called “Sundown at the Square.” i got to eat some gelato and window shop in the local boutiques. sunday, we woke up to go to church in the morning (note: we’ve been trying to wake up to go to church for 2 months which failed multiple times, so this was an accomplishment we were both proud of). then...we went back to his house and slept for another 2 hours...and did nothing for several more hours until later that evening because dylan’s university was having a homecoming event to start the week off. we got to eat some free nachos, dance to some music, i got to pretend i went to school there, and i met up with an old high school friend. lastly, i had to go home that evening so i could make it to work Monday morning. 

This week was a step forward for me. i have been working on overcoming my anxiety and i made some success. i made myself go through with the job opportunity and i experienced new things. *INSPIRATION for anyone reading this:* STEPS FORWARD DO NOT NEED TO BE BIG STEPS. this week didnt involve big steps, but it did involve little ones, which will lead to big steps in the future. I AM POSITIVE it will. 

[anxie-tayyy-blog]

the college life

when i posted my last post, i was a senior in high school. now... i am a freshman in college. gears have totally shifted. i’m living 5 hours away from my hometown. on my own. the roller coaster of emotions i have experienced is almost impossible to explain. during the weeks before i moved into my new dorm, i was super excited and could not wait to leave. when the first week came, i was terrified. i suddenly realized i am on my own. i did not know anyone. it was the worst time to have anxiety. i did not leave my room, except to go to classes. i hardly ate anything because that required me to leave the comfort of my room.  after my first week, things got better. i met someone new almost every day that first week. after that, i started to go out little by little. eventually i got mostly used to the place...mostly. anxiety doesnt just go away unfortunately. it is always there over my should telling me i need to be afraid to do things...so i am...all the time. for example, i waited until the very last minute to go to the library to print an assignment because I didnt know how to do it and i didnt want to look like an idiot and i definitely did not want to talk to someone for help. but...i had to anyway...at the very last minute.

there was a week where my emotions spiraled every single day....

monday: i had a panic attack and called my boyfriend expecting to break up with him because i thought it was the best thing to do at the time (btw it wasnt). that night ended up with me driving an hour away from my university at 1am to talk to my boyfriend in person which in fact calmed me down.

tuesday: i was calm, but i was extremely sad. why? no idea. i was just depressed and did not want to do anything. at all. no motivation. not for school. not for hanging out with friends. i went to classes then stayed in my room and watched two seasons of Jane the Virgin by myself. 

wednesday: i had an enormous amount of energy. out of nowhere. like an unusual amount of energy and almost unhealthy. i had a strong urge to go do something reckless and not myself. but i had nowhere to go so i did not do anything. i went to a dance workout class i had been going to every week which helped with the cooped up energy. and i met up with a friend and talked in the library for a bit. then i went to my room and slept

the rest of the week was a blur. but in short, i’m pretty sure i was having a quarter-life crisis with a mixture of anxiety. it wasn’t fun. but at the moment i am feeling good. i got a new job that i have good expectations about. today was my first day and the experience was a good one. my coworkers are super friendly. but i have not dug into the hard stuff yet, so lets wait and see how that goes. this is a very long post, but i felt the need to do some catching up with my thoughts. I plan to post more frequently, so I can just write about my day. 

long-story-short: college has had a grip with my emotions but i am slowly growing accustomed to it....emphasis on the “slowly”.

[anxie-tayyy-blog]

Being someone with anxiety is such a struggle. There will be those long periods of time where I am 100% fine, then all the sudden it hits me like a truck...out of nowhere. What angers me is that it makes it so hard to do the things I love and need to do like go to work so I can make money for my ONE bill I have to pay. I go to school 5 days out of the week, so I already have a limited amount of hours to work, but when my anxiety hits, it makes it even harder to get those hours in. I’m working on finding myself a therapist to talk to FINALLY. I have high hopes that it will help. I want to know how to settle myself down and how to get through my days without fear of having a panic attack. I need to figure this out soon because I am about to graduate high school and I need to learn to grow up...fast...but I am expecting this therapy will be the first step to making that happen. I aim to end my little diary blog posts to have a lesson at the end, but this time I don’t really have one. At least not yet...for now I just need to tell myself that it will work out in the end. I just need to keep working on it!

[anxie-tayyy-blog]

Today was pretty rough for me…but it did not stay like that all day thank goodness. My boyfriend had been home for the holidays from college and we had been together every single day from the time he came home to the time he had to go back to college…which was today which is a big part of the roughness of my day. Yes, I know most girls get upset over these type of things all the time. What makes it even harder for me is that he is the one person I cling or go to when my anxiety is really bad. He is really good at talking to me and making me feel better about myself. When he is gone, I am forced to help myself on my own. Today, after he left I had to go to work which was the other large portion of why this day was quite difficult. I have just recently gotten this job and I quickly found out that it is something way out of my comfort zone. People are always yelling out orders and customers are everywhere also giving orders and many eyes are out watching your every move to make sure you don’t mess up. When I applied, I did not expect this kind of environment at all. And if you struggle with anxiety, you know that large amounts of people and loud noises like this does not settle well. All this month, I had been going to my boyfriend’s and I would talk to him about work and he would help me find ways to stay calm and cope with what I struggle with. Now that he was and is gone, I was terrified to go to work today. I parked in the spot I always do and stayed there and panicked. Knowing I could not stay there long, I made myself get out of my car and go inside trying not to look up at anyone so no one could see I was upset. As I continued to work throughout the day, I allowed it to distract me from the fact that my boyfriend was no longer home but I also thought about all the things he said to help me stay calm when things start to get crazy around me. Eventually, the day got easier and soon realized I (as always) overreacted. I even was brave enough to answer a phone call to take a customer’s order for the first time. As odd as it sounds, that was a big accomplishment for me. I got to go home at 4 o clock and my day was pretty good after that. I am still pretty sad I don’t get to see my boyfriend anymore for a while, but I have managed to stay positive about it, at least for the time being. It is strange that even though I know the things I worry about are basically nothing, I still get worked up about them. I don’t know if anyone will read this, but if someone does I hope it helps you at least a little bit to know that you aren’t the only victim with anxiety. It sucks and its consuming but I try to remind myself that I will get through it even though it is much harder than it sounds. 

[anxie-tayyy-blog]

So, right now I have like no followers so this post is mostly for my therapy. I have been living with problems of anxiety for quite a while, so I am trying blogging out to see if it helps. I don’t quite know how this is going to turn out, but I am going to try anyway because if I can find a way to help me, I’m going to do it. But, basically what is going to happen is that I am going to post about my life, say what I struggled with and/or say how I learned from it...so like a diary and include pretty photographs that I am going to try to take to TRY to make it artsy. It may or may not be read or become popular whatsoever, but that is not my priority. But...if someone is reading, that is so great!