anothersadbean

[anothersadbean]

the 2nd of january, 2024, at approximately 1:45pm, it happened.

that was when you passed. peacefully, surrounded by loved ones, me holding onto your hand.

i love you mum.

the nurse came in, she checked for a pulse and heart beat, she said as their policy they need it to be confirmed by another nurse. the second nurse arrives. you are confirmed dead.

i love you mum.

i worry we were hasty with meds, but you needed this. you needed peace. you no longer have to worry about your health and it being stable enough, you no longer need to feel pain, to feel alone, to feel anxious. you are weightless. your biggest wish of all.

i love you mum.

you are now free from a body that held you back, you were always destined for more, and now you are free to do exactly as you please. you made peace with many people before you passed, and that gave you an immense feeling of love. i know there are a lot of people up there waiting for you, better put the kettle on.

i love you mum.

[anothersadbean]

it’s 3am, we’ve camped out by your bed.

we haven’t got long left with you at all now. we’re down to just a matter of hours.

i’m being partially haunted by this image of you. something about watching your mum die that just will live with you forever i imagine.

you’ve stopped all your meds for a few days now, we’re waiting for your confusion to hit before going to the next step. as per your request.

the nurses came in and adjusted you, now i have woken and can’t get back to sleep, so that’s why i thought i’d make this post.

happy new year to me, and our family. it’s your brothers birthday today, and you know how he’s spending it? right here with you, and me, camping out in your room. and there’s no place we’d rather be, aunty is here too.

i feel very lucky to have them, it’s definitely made me feel less alone during these days as they get harder and harder.

today is the day where i’ve noticed the biggest decline with you. i know it’s not much longer now, im scared as fuck. soon you won’t be here and that’s a scary thought.

losing your mother, the one person in this world who loves you no matter what, is a terrifying thought, and i’m not looking forward to this one bit.

[anothersadbean]

as of today, you have days left to live. we’re making the arrangements for you.

i have so much i still want to say, but you’re barely with it enough for me to tell you. so I’ll write it here.

a letter to my mother,

i know you are so proud of me, and i’m incredibly proud of you too. you’ve shown endless strength through this whole ordeal. as hard as this has all been i would do it again in a heartbeat.

we haven’t always been the closest, but i’m so glad we’ve had this time together. i wish we could of had more time together, but i’m grateful for what we’ve had, especially since at one point we thought we only had days left with you and we were granted 3 additional months.

i wish things could have been different, we still have so much to share together. i’m a late bloomer and i still have so many milestones to achieve, but i know you will be there with me for it all.

i promise to stay strong once you’re gone, stay on track and work towards my future, i want to continue our dream of fostering indigenous kids and keeping them with mob and community. i want to connect more with community and country. i want to do this journey for us as it was stolen from us.

as much as i am going to miss you so much, i know you are finally going to be pain free and weightless, you greatest wish of all. i’m going to miss having someone to listen to me, while i have plenty that will, it’s different with you.

while it almost feels wrong to have a sense of relief, but i know you will finally be at peace, and i can finally start to mourn you as i feel as though i’ve been mourning you for the last few months and living on edge just waiting for the phone call to tell me it’s time.

i have no regrets with you mum, and as i said, i would do this all again in a heartbeat, no questions asked. going through this with you has given me a new found strength that i never even knew i had inside of me.

i love you, more.

[anothersadbean]

waking up knowing that we don’t have much time left with you. i don’t know what to do. i want to be there with you. but it’s so incredibly hard. we both just cry and cry. i know we need to make better memories but it’s so hard knowing i’m losing you.

[anothersadbean]

i need to write some more. but this time i want to just talk about you.

my mum.

you’ve had an incredibly hard life, nearly every single story you tell ends in tragedy.

you were adopted, a stolen generation baby, grew up in a household that stopped loving you as soon as they saw you get fat. you had a brother that bullied and tormented the crap out of you, i remember you telling a story where he killed your cat and its kittens. what a sick fucking bastard. i can’t believe you had to live with that monster growing up.

you were SA’d by a “trusted” person in your family, someone who you were taken to regularly when you needed to be babysat. so you were regularly thrown into your abusers grip, even after you told your family what was going on, you were accused of being a liar, which just created even more tension.

you developed an eating disorder, understandably so.

you left home as soon as you could, you chose nursing as a career because you could live in the nursing quarters while studying so it gave you easy accomodation. you dated many, engaged to a few, but married only one. my father.

the man that cheated on you repeatedly. he had an ex that stuck around, and he strayed, multiple times, i even got a sister out of it. but you still married him, i never understand why.

but from that marriage, you got me. which to this day you still say i’m your biggest achievement.

i remember birthdays and christmases when i was younger, you always put in so much effort, you wanted to be a mum so badly, and you are one of the best.

when i was 14, you and dad got divorced. and that’s when we grew so much closer. it was just you and me in this world, just going through hurdle after hurdle. even now reflecting on all we’ve been through, its impossible to name them all.

our first rental, was a dud. when we tried to leave, the real estate agent was lying about us to landlords and it contributed in us nearly being homeless, you got weight loss surgery to better your life, only to get a lipo/lymphoedema diagnosis and find out that the remainder of your body weight can’t be lost it has to be surgically removed, you fostered a relatives baby, and that was probably the most heartbreaking of all, he returned home and the child protection agency never notified you.

there’s more, so much more.

i understand that to keep life balanced there needs to be negativity too, but we very rarely had a win.

and now here we are, an end of life diagnosis.

it’s not. fucking. fair.

i love you mum, i just want you to be comfortable, however that may be, don’t be afraid to leave me, i am scared, but i also don’t know how much longer i can be on this roller coaster.

[anothersadbean]

december 25th, 2024.

i…

i don’t even know where to start.

umm, yeah shit. the lead up to today has been intense. a lot of sadness, hope, and worrisome thoughts which obviously are not helpful but when you are feeling so low it’s nearly impossible to not go there.

he came with me, thankfully. so i didn’t need to do today alone. and fucking hell, i am so grateful he did.

i spent this morning in the backyard, listening to the neighbours ease into their mornings, you could smell food cooking already, and it was barely 10am. i cried, i cried so hard. i keep thinking about how, last christmas was taken from us, i had covid and we couldn’t spend it together, it was also when it first really dawned on me how sick you had gotten.

i had a shower, got myself freshened up, and we left. driving to you, i cried 3 more times. i decided to get red rooster on the way, to give at least a mock roast dinner feel.

we pulled up to the hospital, i got a car park pretty much instantly which was good as it was quite full. for christmas day, that surprised me.

as we walk in, i see so many different families, all spending some of their day here with a loved one. some people i see have the ICU stickers on and i feel deeply for them.

we go to your ward, i walk in your room, lunch is in front of you and you are just sobbing, uncontrollably. i was trying so hard to be strong for you, but i broke immediately. nothing breaks my heart more than watching you go through this.

i stayed for a while, i got you to smile a few times which was great to see, but we cried a lot too. each minute felt like an eternity at one point.

you were sick after lunch, you just threw it all back up. the nurse that attended to you mentioned that you did this with your breakfast too.

it’s happening again, you’re getting sicker.

we stay a little longer, but i need to leave, we managed to stay for an hour an a half. as i go to leave i see the doctors are doing rounds. they get to your room, and they talk about you.

“this is patient veronica”

“how’s she doing?”

“not good”

i know they didn’t mean for their conversation to be overheard, but i made myself present to them. i asked if they could give me an update on you, they asked me to stay a little longer so they could give me a thorough update.

they come in, and close the door. they tell me what’s going on, and yeah it’s your kidneys. they are drying out and starting to lose their functional capacity. they’ve said they will continue to treat you for another 2-4 weeks and then discuss what to do from there.

worst case scenario, i have 2-4 weeks left with you. it’s just not fair, i need more time with you. you are so fucking scared, i can see it, you apologise to me a million times over, and tell me how proud you are of me.

i kiss you on the forehead as we leave, and as we walk down the hall, i just hear you sobbing again.

and this isn’t even my hardest day yet. it’s just another day when your mother is dying, my best friend, my one constant in this life. i am so petrified of losing you, even though i know it’s going to happen no matter what, i just wanted more fucking time.

[anothersadbean]

i’m doing another post today, because yeah, it’s a really hard time for me this year.

most years i struggle with christmas, i have for as long as i can remember. it’s usually met with strong emotions, not just from myself but other people too. mix that with some alcohol and no reason to stop and it’s a hell of a time.

i mostly just feel empty for christmas. no kids around. past relationships come back to haunt me, past partners that couldn’t of given less of a fuck when i gave them my everything.

now we just sit at home, we watch a movie or two, we might order a few extra yummy treats from the shop, but it’s very simple. and while i do love that it’s simple, sometimes i wish someone would put the effort into me.

we don’t put up any decorations, no christmas tree, we don’t even buy each other presents. thats one of the fun things about being on the poverty line, christmas time usually comes at a cost, that i can just never afford.

and i know, it’s the same time every year, but adhd me can’t think that far ahead tbh. plus, with the year i’ve had this year, i feel like that’s reasonable.

anyway, i’m not really sure with what i was getting at with this post. but im endlessly sad, and on christmas day im going to have to smile with my family members like as if my heart isn’t breaking every second of every day because my mum i dying before my eyes.

there’s a difference in watching someone older die, because like that’s normal right? but my mum is only 61, in a timeline where people are living even longer for the first times in decades.

i just feel like so many people just don’t get it. people either have difficult relationships with their mums, so they can’t empathise everything i do for her, and while mine and my mums relationship was never perfect, i could never imagine just leaving her to die like so many imply that i should do.

“this is your life your can’t put it on hold for someone else”, but if i don’t than who will? it’s just me and mum.

[anothersadbean]

here we are, christmas eve 2024.

you’re back in hospital. you’ve been there since thursday last week. you were in agony, and it took the home 13 hours to call an ambulance for you.

high level of care my ass.

you were supposed to be discharged yesterday, but they’ve found something else that’s going on with you now. somethings going on with your kidneys.

i so badly wanted this years christmas to be normal, or at least as close to normal as it can be. this may be our last one together, and i really didn’t want to spend it with you in a hospital.

i haven’t been able to stop crying for two days, i’m not sure if this is just a delayed reaction to everything that’s been going on, or i’ve finally reached my limit, but i’m so tired.

i can feel my friends getting sick of asking me how i am too, i stupidly tell them truthfully how im doing, and it’s awful, im struggling, each day is a new set of struggles. but they don’t want to hear that, they want to hear “just fine thanks, and you?”. i just wish people would stop pretending like they care.

i know soon enough i’m going to be the distant one. i feel like im the distant one now. i spend most of my time alone to recharge my energy for the next tragedy.

[anothersadbean]

today i feel the sadness.

the weight, the random heaviness of life and the constant pull. i *always* need to be taking care of something or someone.

i isolated myself, crying alone.

i struggle to find enjoyment in things. i feel desperately alone.

i have you, but you don’t understand. i try to tell you what’s going on, but it doesn’t land.

i’m struggling. i’m tired of being the strong one all the time.

[anothersadbean]

today you asked me how i was, i said fine.

you said, are you sure? i said no.

and then, that’s as far as it went. i don’t understand why you’d check in on me like that and then not follow through.

i know i’ve been more challenging recently, but my mums dying, so maybe i can get a semi free pass? i go to therapy twice a week, im doing everything i can right now. but nothing can change the fact that my mum is dying, so im sorry.

i left a bag on the kitchen counter, you asked me why it was there, i said i was using it today, you asked me why i didn’t put it back.

i dunno man, i am just in struggle street. sorry for not putting it away. i didn’t put it there to annoy you intentionally.

my mum is dying, and you got short with me over leaving a bag on the kitchen counter.

i know you didn’t mean anything by it, but yeah that’s enough to send me into a spiral.

i’m trying so hard to keep it together, to stay strong, to just keep going. but sooner or later i’m going to end up in a heap.

[anothersadbean]

mum is home, after 125 days of being in hospital.

and you aren’t home home of course, but a nursing home.

this is all still so hard.

people call me and want to talk about what’s going on with them, and i really struggle to hold space for them, and it’s not that i don’t care. i’m just in a permanent state of low energy and fatigue.

someone asked me, how does it feel to finally be able to exhale. and honestly i didn’t know how to answer because i don’t think i have fully exhaled yet.

with one thing down, another 20 have popped up that have been on ignore while mums been dying.

how do i even go on from here? i was debt free before mum was sick, and now it’s all back. i’m struggling in every sense of the word. mentally, physically, emotionally, financially.

but i have support right? i have people around me so its okay.

sometimes it doesn’t feel like i do, or at least, not the right kind of support.

i just want someone i can fully depend on, instead of being the one everyone depends on.

[anothersadbean]

today we had great news, you’ve been accepted into the nursing home of your choice, it took a lot of fighting, which to be honest i was just about ready to give up trying. but it’s been worth every step.

you were also able to lose all that excess fluid build up, which is incredible as well.

once we get all your paper work complete we can finally get you settled and comfortable. we can take you home.

we’ve also been learning more about our ancestry and our roots. we belong to the Wathawurrung mob. i’m so excited to learn more about country and what we can do to contribute, it feels nice to belong to a community.

things have really worked out this week, we need more weeks like this one.

[anothersadbean]

it’s been 18 days since my last post about you. i’m not even sure what’s kept me from talking about you.

things haven’t exactly been easy, there’s been plenty to talk about. but honestly i’m just so tired. i’m just so fucking tired.

you’ve been moved back to the hospital temporarily, they want to do a procedure on you to help drain some of the excess fluid build up in your body.

see, some of the things i’ve learnt, is that liver failure fucking sucks, so many things are connected to it. and essentially, this procedure they’re doing for you, is just something else they’re doing to prolong your life.

some days i am so thankful for modern medicine and how it has given me this extra time with you, but then i see things like this, and how your body is giving up slowly, and it’s becoming even more of a harsh reality.

i visited you in the hospital, the same hospital where it all began, it’s so surreal. you’ve been in rehab for 8 weeks, so it’s been a while since you’ve actually been at the hospital.

i cried driving home yesterday, it’s the first time i’ve visited you alone in weeks. i cried because like i mentioned above, as much as i’m glad you’re still here, we don’t have valuable time together, it’s confined to a hospital room where i try and do what i can to make it a good visit. i don’t let you know how drained i am, and how i wish this was over to an extent.

i don’t want you life to be over, but just this. the uncertainty, your life constantly hanging in the balance, trying to find a home for you, which we picked out a great one, and now they’re being painful. i just want you settled, you want you settled.

i cried again once i got home, i was talking to a friend and she was complaining about a head cold and how it made her so fatigued, god i wish i had that kind of fatigue. it’s so hard to listen to people and their mundane lives when every day i’m just there for you, supporting you through end of life. no one understands, and i feel like people are getting sick of me talking about it. they’ll ask me how i am, i say i’m fine and then start talking about you, and then they ask me again how i am, and i honestly don’t really know how to answer.

how am i? tired. confused. anxious. on the edge every single fucking day. but i’m still showing up. i’m still here.

even jay is noticing something is up, he asks me what’s up, and i just start crying. like i dunno man, i’m tired. and every single day we have something to do, every single day for the last 4 months has just been crazy.

4 months, i can’t believe we’re approaching 4 months since your admission.

i’m hoping you’ll be settled somewhere for christmas, because fucking hell, this might be our last one together, and i just want you settled.

[anothersadbean]

you’re growing stronger, each day stronger than the last. your appetite has improved immensely. i honestly wondered if you’d ever be able to eat one of your favourite meals ever again, but now I’m confident you will.

it’s almost hard to believe you were the person you were a few weeks ago. i had to feed you so you could eat and now you’re so strong you actually yelled at me.

bittersweet i tell you. you ordered me to return the cardigans i claimed, saying you aren’t dead yet. so you wanted them back. it’s so lovely to have you back. this is the closest to you that you’ve been in months.

we need to get you on the list for a home, i’m trying to get in touch for them but waiting to hear back. we will get you in there, i’m going to do everything i can to get you in there.

we’ve almost packed up all your stuff. it’s so strange seeing your house so empty. i have to fight back tears every single time. i’ve barely had time to process anything going on, i’m probably going to crash once we’ve moved house.

i’ve stayed strong and on track for so long, i’m going through some of the hardest shit anyone ever has to go through, and i’m fighting for my life every day, i’m showing up still, every day, even on the days when i’d rather do anything but.

i whisper to myself i’m strong with tears in my eyes. i watched a show today and there was a quote that hit really hard.

“That’s all we get. But it was so fun”, I’m going to miss you so fucking much.

[anothersadbean]

your nasal tube came out today, i had to hold back my tears. it’s been in for almost 8 weeks. i worried it may not ever come out, but here we are.

you seem more pepped today, i wonder if you’re excited for your future since it’s something more than life in a hospital, while its hospital like, it’s a lot more personal.

your eating much more, basically double of what you were eating the week prior. i ask you how it feels to eat a meal without your tube, you said it feels amazing.

i feel relief. for a moment you have more comfort, even if it’s for something this, it’s just comfort for you. we also met the specialist, he says your liver is healing, and if we can keep your nutrition up, we may get more time with you.

keep it up mum, you are getting stronger every day. while we know what the future holds, it is still inevitable, if we can get even more time, i will be forever blessed and appreciative of any time we can share.

[anothersadbean]

i went and saw you again today, you were doing okay. i guess as far as days ago, it was a good one for you. it’s so hard to watch this happen to you.

we made some laughs and jokes, i told you how much i loved you today, and how i will do everything in my power to help her have as much of a say in her future as possible. i told her i understand how powerless she must feel.

i told you i was going to look at a home for you today, i talked about how nice this place looks, we know people who work there so they’ll take extra good care of you. i’ll make sure you get the nicest room possible. you cried. i know this is the last place you wanted to be, i know mum. but i can’t have you at home, and it breaks my heart.

i go to the place, aunty lou met me there, we walked in together. it’s nice. it’s very modern and new. there were fresh flowers in the foyer, which they’ve said they replace them weekly. there’s a hair dressers, a cafe, a bbq area, a play ground for the kids if they visit. there’s common areas, libraries, and every single room has access to outside, you can open a window for the first time in months.

i’m like 70% keen, as far as homes go i feel like you won’t get better than here. but i still have that feeling, it’s not *your* home. but we’ll do what we can to make it feel like home.

i’ll arrange respite for you first too so you can trial it. i really hope this is a good choice.

they’ve also advised that when you are ready for end of life, they can handle it there. i cried. i know this is the best choice for you, but i feel so awful and i can’t shake that feeling.

hopefully we can get you moved soon, at least you’ll be closer to me. this home is only 20 minutes away vs where you are that’s an hour without traffic.

i love you mum, and i miss you so much. while i have no regrets regarding our relationship, i am wishing i took more advantage while i could. things i could of done then that i can’t do now.

[anothersadbean]

we had your allied health team meeting today. they’ve said you can’t return home. your mobility has deteriorated so much you can’t even stand or sit on your own.

we talked about housing options for you. i started setting your room up at home. i bought you this beautiful comforter set for your bed when you were first admitted, and it’s hard to believe that you may never be home to see it. i can’t take it into the hospital either because of how regular your bed changes are.

it’s just not fucking fair.

i’ll try and find the best home for you, because if not anything you deserve it for this last leg of your life. i asked the medical team today what your life expectancy is, and your reports say short years. which is to 1-3 years tops.

some say i am lucky to have this time with you, it’s everything i wanted when you were in that ICU and we didn’t know how much time we would have. but i’d hoped we could of done some of the things we wanted.

we always wanted to go on that trip around australia. i wanted you to see me finally get my life together. i was buying a place and going to put a granny flat out the back just for you, we had it all planned.

it’s just not fucking fair.

right now you are confined to a bed, in a hospital, you can’t open a window, you can’t feel sunshine on your face, fuck, you haven’t even had a shower in weeks, to feel water running from a tap on your body, to just have a few moments where you got to feel human once again.

i didn’t intend for this post to be so long. but my heart breaks. every day it breaks just a little bit more as i see a little bit less of you showing up for the day. one day that light will fade permanently, and it’s the day i dread the most.

it’s just not fucking fair.