anonymousinatx

[anonymousinatx]

My Dating Test

Thursday, September 21, 2017

I give all the guys I go on a date with a test and it’s something I highly recommend to every single girl. Maybe you do it and you don’t even know you’re doing it. Not everyone will probably agree with my method, and most of those people will be guys, and that’s okay. It’s a very simple test and, if they pass and if you enjoyed their company, it influences your decision to have a second date.

Picture it: At the end of every date - whether it’s coffee, drinks, dinner, whatever - there’s a point when the check will come. The server typically asks if this is together or separate. I always say “together.” Sometimes, if the server is female, they just assume that it’s together so they don’t even ask. At some previous point, you give each other a nod or look and they know. Oh, they know.

Now comes the test. When the check arrives, you both look at it. The guy usually reaches for it and I go for my purse. The options are:

a) He notices I’m going for my wallet, stops me and says “Oh, that’s okay. I got it.”

b) He doesn’t stop me or say anything, I get out my wallet and insert my credit card into the bill.

What’s the correct answer?

It’s A. It always better be A!

I would say that about 99% of the time, the guys I go on a date with pay so it’s genuinely always A. It’s even been A when I asked them to go out. In all my years of dating, there was one time when it was B. We went to happy hour at Max’s Wine Dive. I had one glass and my drink was $7. I pulled out a five dollar bill from my purse and he didn’t even motion for me to stop. Then I put it in the tray and he asked me for two more dollars.

Seriously? Nobody likes a cheapskate. There was no second date.

One of the upsides (for us ladies) - if he pays, you can be a little flirty and say “Next round will be on me, okay?” This hints you want a second date. ;)

So, why is the guy paying so important? And why does it impact your decision for a second date? It’s easy, really. It shows that he is a man. A gentleman. A gentleman who wants to make a good impression on his date. That he is investing in a potential partner. And that he can take care of us and provide. It’s old-fashioned, yes, but most women appreciate it. 

We want to be wooed. Make us feel special. Treat us like a lady. You want something? You put in effort to make it happen. The things worth having require it.

I get from the guy’s perspective this gets expensive. It doesn’t need to be a fancy date. Take us to happy hour and we’ll drink $3 wells or $2 beers. I’ve been on a few first dates at Black Sheep Lodge where the bill was less than $12. Thanks White Trash Wednesdays!

I get from the guy’s perspective that this sucks but it doesn’t always have to be this way. I was in a relationship that lasted a year and we’d split the tab plenty of times but this only occurs once you’re in a committed relationship. I also dated a guy for years who never once let me pay because (quote) “I’m your man and I’m supposed to provide for you.”

Side note: I know I’m supposed to be this strong, independent Latina and bad-ass feminist but, damn, I fucking love it when a man says things like this to me. 

A few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy named Daniel. He sent me a few messages on Tinder and seemed nice. He said he was one of the few guys that was actually looking for a serious relationship but was 5 years younger than me. So after some persuasion, I made an exception to my “not-really-dating-right-now” rule. We met for dinner and this poor guy was going through a tough time. He lost his job, had been in an accident, had to sublease his apartment and was living with his parents. He was having some bad luck and had no control over it - I get it. But when I asked him how the job search was going, he said he spent his days relaxing. THAT he did have control over and it was no bueno. He even talked about being hungover from the night before. In short, the dude didn’t have his shit together and wasn’t even trying to put it back together. I had just received my job offer and was feeling really good about life while he was sputtering along.

The bill arrived and he reached for his wallet. I reached for mine. He told me “Let me get this.” I insisted that I pay my half. I hoped he could read this as my subtle way of saying that there would be no second date. 

Side note: I make enough money to always pay for my own share. I date to meet someone worthy, not for a free meal. And if a guy pays, and we don’t want to go out with him again, we owe them nothing.

He seemed a bit offended but he let me pay and I never heard from him again (he picked up that cue). I told my friends about the date and they were all “Dude, that’s a little harsh. You probably emasculated him.” I was like:

So, in short, I highly recommend the dating test. We girls deserve a little special treatment. A man post-college should be making a salary where he is able to do so. If he’s going out with his friends, drinking, attending concerts, going on trips, buying Starbucks, then he has the means to pay for his dates. If he doesn’t want to, move on.

And if a guy collecting unemployment is willing to buy me a $40 meal, any other guy out there should be willing to do the same.

[anonymousinatx]

Enough 8 - Things to Stop Putting On Your Dating Profile

Thursday, August 31, 2017

I. Am. Back!

I am so sorry to my readers. I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted and I have sincerely missed writing on my blog. A lot has been going on in my life but I haven’t forgotten you. I’d like to point out that I’m not a FT writer (I wish). This is just something I do for fun and to laugh at my dating misery. IRL I’m a working professional and I have recently switched jobs. With my trip to Europe included, it’s been a busy summer and I’m trying to get back into the swing of things.

Earlier this year, after coming out of a difficult heartbreak, I decided to focus more on me. I’ve been told by my loved ones that I’m kind, generous and wear my heart on my sleeve. While these are great qualities, this can also attract the wrong people who will take advantage of me. So, I wanted to focus on my growth and take better control of my life. The #1 thing I wanted for myself was a change in my career - which I was successful in! Took a lot of work but I did it.

This focus on me has also spilled over into my dating life. To be honest, dating has taken a backseat because it’s not something I have control over. I can’t make a relationship on my own - there’s another person involved and I’ve had zero success finding someone who wants the things I want. I’m really happy right now and dating just plain sucks. It makes me feel like shit. I have little desire to put myself out there and bring this horribleness into my life. I don’t want to let a guy ruin what I’ve worked so hard to get to. Needless to say, this has also impacted my tolerance level towards dating and all the stupid shit that comes with it.

Which brings me to my next Enough 8! Each time I get on a dating app, I cringe. I see so many baaaaaad things. Here are 8 things that I (and many single people out there) have had enough of. 

If I see any or a combination of the below, I’m pretty much guaranteed to swipe left.

Enough 8 - Things to Stop Putting On Your Dating Profile

1. The shirtless bathroom selfie.

Many women will disagree with me on this one and I am sure many women post cliche/annoying photos that men are tired of. I’m just at a point of my life where I care more about what’s in the inside, not the outside. I care more about character and content. These photos just scream “douchebag” and it doesn’t matter how defined your abs are. 

You want to impress me? Have a clean sink and counter. That will catch my eye and I’ll be impressed. Oh, you don’t believe me? I promise it’s true. I was once sent a dick pic on Bumble and look how I responded.

2. Photos you aren’t in. 

I mean, why? Why have a photo with your car, or Groot? Or a tree? I’ve seen some random shit. Why would this guy have Bill Murray and Larry David? What does this have to do with you?

And why would you have a super cool photo where you are having fun and being adventurous but you are so far away? 

I want to see the smile and fun you’re having on your face as you are enjoying this adventure so throw in a close-up, mmmkay.

3. Photos with your entire entourage 

I actually see this a lot. And I get it - you want to show off your crew and look like Mr. Popular. But this below is just too much.

But if you have multiple people in all your photos and I don’t know which one is you, I’m moving on. I have no time to be looking at photos like this:

4. Photos with a kid...that’s not your kid.

What’s the point? Are you trying to seem like you are a sensitive, nice or serious guy? Make you seem family oriented? You’re using that kid as bait! Are you trying to attract my uterus? Shame on you. And did you get the permission of their parents? This is just cheap. If all these guys posting pics with kids were actually sincere and serious about their desire to start a family, then I wouldn’t have a blog about all the sleazy guys I meet, how hard it is to find a relationship and who bail when things get serious.

We all know what this guy did to Rachel. Don’t go on a reality show where the point is to get engaged and then - towards the end - say you don’t want to get engaged.

5. The first photo I see is your dog.

I love dogs. I have a dog. People who love dogs and have dogs are cool. But when this is the first thing I see, I’m moving on.

6. Saying something ridiculously and incredibly douche-y, i.e. just being a straight up asshole.

I mean, does any respectable female respond to this? ^

7. Talking about your love of boobs.

Ugh. I barely saw the married part. All I saw was boobs. I swiped left. And in case you couldn’t tell, these are screen shots from two different profiles.

8. Being too much, too soon.

What the hell is this?

And what the FUCK is THIS?

Time limits on a message? You want me to qualify to satisfy your kinky fuckery? 

That’s all! I’ll be back soon with more posts and more WTF Wednesdays. Be safe out there!

I’m always welcome to your comments. Message me here. Follow me on Instagram. Or send me an email.

Follow me on Instagram: anonymousinatx

Email: anonymousinatx512@gmail.com

[anonymousinatx]

Guys: A Global Epidemic

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Hello Y’all! My apologies for not posting in a while. I have been having an adventure in Europe. I won’t tell you where I was but I will say this: it had the most clear, pretty crystal blue water, beautiful beaches and great food. That narrows it down to about half the countries in Europe, I know, but there is one thing about this country that is very similar to the US...

The guys in Europe, or Austin, or the United States....

They give you the most basic comments and don’t make an effort:

They wonder why I’m still single:

European man: Where’s your other half?

Me: I don’t have one.

European man: I find that hard to believe. You are so beautiful.

And they are perverted creeps obsessed with breasts.

On my trip to Europe, I was by myself and had an amazing time. I would befriend people next to me at a bar, restaurant, cafe or on a tour. People think traveling alone is sad or pathetic and it’s not. I have the best time traveling solo and have so much more fun than when I go with a friend. I’ve taken trips with friends and, for a few, I want to strangle them by the time we return home. When you are solo, you can do what you want when you want. Traveling solo is a great way to come out of your shell and meet other people. And I met many wonderful people from across the globe during my time abroad.

During my travels, I met several single women, like myself, and we got to know one another. Here are several:

Shae, 36 - London

Shae was on my walking tour and also traveling solo. Before the tour was over, I asked her if she wanted to get dinner and she said yes. During our wonderful meal, we had wine and talked our romantic struggles. She was traveling to help heal her heartache. She had been dating this guy very seriously and it got to the point where he even got on a plane to meet her parents in Australia. But, when they returned to London, he broke up with her. She was confused and heartbroken, wondering what had just happened and why. I could see the pain in her eyes and I just wanted to hug her. Because...

It was just last year that I was hurting and in pain when my relationship ended unexpectedly and without explanation with Joe. I know what happens...they see how real things have become and they panic. So they run. But I don’t understand this “flee, not fight” mentality. I don’t get it at all...

Kate, 37 - Toronto

I met Kate on a walking tour in another city. The tour guide recommended a restaurant to the group and I decided to check it out when the tour was over. As I looked for it, I was lost and kept bumping into Kate. We realized we were both looking for the same place. We found it together, said we were both traveling solo and decided to have lunch together. Kate said that her issue was her career success. She felt like most guys were threatened by it. She is very accomplished and makes great money. When she tells her dates about what she does (and it’s a very lucrative career), she can see the insecurity in their eyes. And it’s been this way since her mid-20s. And it only gets worse as she gets older. Because as she gets older and into the late 30s, the guys she dates wonder what is wrong with her and why, at that age, you are quote “still single.”

Kate was taking 6 months off work to travel Europe. She was hesitant to do so in the beginning because she felt that was time away from her “window” to find someone to settle down with and begin a family. But she decided to quit worrying about that and do what made her happy. I could also empathize with that because I feel like my window is closing and gets smaller each day.

The main thing that I took away from my European adventure is I’m not the only one frustrated. The dating struggle is not limited to Austin, TX. This is not something I have just realized or was oblivious to...it’s just that I now have shared stories with other women and have first-hand accounts of what they are going through.

So, what we have here is a global epidemic. But what can we do about it? We have no control over this. It’s just something that happens. We can’t change people. We can’t force people. It sucks...trust me I know. But, remember this ladies, whether you are swiping left in the UK or getting ghosted on down under...

Send me your comments to anonymousinatx512@gmail.com

#austintx #atx #onlinedatingsucks

[anonymousinatx]

WTF Wednesday

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Currently traveling in Europe and I have proof that guys everyone are the same. Just like in Austin and the good ol’ USA, they sure do know how to talk to a lady.

[anonymousinatx]

WTF Wednesday

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

A guy that I had drinks with commands me like I’m a Golden Retriever for a second “date.” 

[anonymousinatx]

Moving? Not the Solution

Thursday, June 1, 2017

I hope you enjoyed my most recent post “Enough 8.” I will feature these posts every once in a while and cover a different topic. If you have any suggestions, of course I am open to it so send me an email.

When my single friends read it, they were all in agreement:

One more comment to the Enough 8 post that I didn’t add (mainly because I don’t have it said that often) will be the focus of this post. So, here’s an Enough 8 Extra!

#9 – “Maybe you should move.”

Yes, this is something that a person actually suggested to me. And yes, they were legit and trying to offer real advice. As I said in my previous post, sometimes we just need to vent. We're not looking for advice. We just want someone to say "girl I’m sorry, that sucks!"

So, how did this come about? After the mess and heart break from Joe, I was a little drunk and got on a computer. FYI - alcohol and a keyboard make an awesome partnership.

I felt a little sentimental and vulnerable, then wrote one of those typical sad sack posts where I complain about men and how I don’t think I will ever find someone. (Yeah, I know it’s pathetic. I’m sorry. But I don’t do them everyday).

That’s when my friends starting chiming in with the “Buck up, buddy” and “He’s out there!” and “God has a plan for you!” comments that inspired my first Enough 8 post. And that’s when an acquaintance (a girl I knew in college from one class we had together) suggested I move to a new city and would have better luck with a different dating pool.

I know she meant to be supportive and just trying to be helpful. Maybe a part of her was slightly joking, maybe not. But either way. “You should move to a new city?” The answer is….

I’m supposed to uproot my entire life, my friends, my family and job for the chance that I will have luck somewhere else? 

Let me be clear about something. I love my life. I freakin’ love it. I have a great group of girlfriends and I’m also lucky that I have many circles of friends. I have a group to turn to when I want to get political, when I want to complain about 45, want to venture outdoors, want to try a new restaurant, want to go to the movies or want to workout. I also have a great group of colleagues and I’m so lucky that I get to work everyday with my friends. People I admire, whose company I enjoy and would have been friends with even if I didn’t work with them.

Also, very important, I have a group of friends that are always ready to go out when I get in this kind of mood:

In addition, many of my friends are single like me. I recently started doing more activities with a group of these women. We agreed to get together regularly for various outings and do new things together. Things we have always wanted to try or thing we don’t get to do enough. It’s nice to have them in my life because we have that common factor. We understand each other’s struggle. We can bitch and moan and our married friends don’t have to hear about it.

In short, my life in Austin is amazing. I freakin’ love this city. I love my life. There’s just one part of it that’s lacking but I won’t forsake what is really good for something I have no control over.

I’m not going to move just to find a man. If I ever move, it’s because I want a new adventure or change of scene. Besides, I have friends allll over the US, all over the world and they are having the same dating challenges (shout out to my NYC readers!)

Being single does sometimes get lonely, but I’m never alone. I just gotta keep doing the things I love and I’ll be good :)

[anonymousinatx]

WTF Wednesday

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

I don’t know why but it weirds me out when a guy says “hey beautiful” in his opening line. The few times I have gone out with a guy who has done this, they tend to be aggressive, very handsy and make me feel uncomfortable.

Please note that there is a difference between “hey beautiful” and “You are beautiful.” I don’t know how. It’s just a sense and it’s just different.

Well, looks like my weird feeling might be onto something:

[anonymousinatx]

Enough 8 – Things to Stop Saying to Single Girls

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Today, I will begin a fun series of posts that I’m calling “Enough 8.” The purpose of these posts is to highlight 8 things that I (and many single people out there) have had enough of and why…so enjoy!

Earlier this year, I wrote an impassioned email and sent it to some of my closest friends. Essentially I begged them to stop giving me advice. To stop telling me cliché sayings that may be stitched on pillows. To stop telling me things that they have no guarantee will happen. Instead, I need them to give me support. Be there for me. Listen to me vent. Understand my frustrations and just know what I am feeling. Their words of advice don’t help. In fact, sometimes they do more harm than good.

The email made me pretty emotional and it was a little sappy. I wanted to share with you some of the things I told my friends I have had enough of. But, it won’t be sappy…promise! So here it is.

Enough 8 – Things to Stop Saying to Single Girls

1. “Don’t Give Up! It’ll Happen When You Least Expect It (When You’re Not Looking).”

Really? Because I never expect it. So doesn’t that mean it should have happened by now? There is no rhyme or reason to meeting your person. It just happens and there is so mechanism (or lack of a mechanism) to make it happen.

2. “You Are a Wonderful Person and Have So Much to Offer.”

Well duh. Tell me something I don’t know. Actually, I’ll tell you something I don’t know...I don’t know why a man hasn’t taken me up on my offer. And thanks for acknowledging how amazing I am. The issue with this comment is that it’s usually followed with...

3. “Any Man Would be Lucky to Have You.”

Yes, this is true. So why hasn’t any man locked me in by now? Not a single damn one. 

4. “Sorry It Didn’t Work Out. Onto the Next One!” 

So I can’t be upset? Disappointed? Acknowledge my feelings? Maybe I liked this guy and I’m not some unfeeling wench. Also, I don’t want to get over it by looking for another guy to feel the void. Let me deal with my pain and I’ll move on when I’m ready.

5.  “This Guy is Probably Not Upset Over It. You Shouldn’t Be Either.”

Gee. Thanks. Thank you for letting me know I dated and invested my time in some guy who didn’t care about me in the slightest. I feel looooooads better.

6. “You Should Try Online Dating.”

Really? I’m in my 30s. I have a smart phone and a data plan. Do you really think I’ve gone this long and have not tried this already? Also, you told me it’ll happen when I’m not looking. So, if I’m online dating, I’m looking so that wouldn’t work, right?

7. “Dating Apps Don’t Work. Go Out and Meet Someone Organically.”

Did you not just tell me a minute ago that I should try online dating? Because an app is online dating. Also, how do I meet someone organically? Go to the bar? How? Tell me how! No, seriously. I want your suggestions.

8. “God Has a Plan for You and You Will Meet Your Person.”

Really? What if God’s plan is for me to be alone? Did you ever think about that? Also, God is a little busy. With cancer. And diseases. And world hunger. And refugees. I don’t think He has time to help me get a date. 

[anonymousinatx]

WTF Wednesday

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

A guy on his Bumble profile said he loved traveling and exploring different countries. So I asked him how many places he has traveled to.

First, he said “ugh” to my question.

Then, he mansplained me.

[anonymousinatx]

Don’t Lie - You’re Not “Too Busy”

Thursday, May 4, 2017

I don’t claim to be a dating expert. I’m just as confused and frustrated as any other 30-something-single-girl living in Austin (or any city for that matter). But I’ve dated my fair share of guys and I’ve been dating in this city for a long time…

That being said, as you date you learn a thing or two along the way. And if there is only one thing that I’ve learned, it’s this:

No matter how busy a guy is, no matter what is going on in his life, no matter how crazy work may be…a man will make time for the woman that he is interested in seeing.

It’s time to cut the crap and tell the truth. Because you will be caught in a lie. The past few months, I’ve had first-hand experience with this.

Remember Joe? The long-distance guy who ghosted on me? Well, the moron texted me on my birthday like nothing had happened. When I asked him where the hell he had been, he said “I was busy and didn’t have time.” Riiiight…”busy.” Joe sure found the time to update his social media and like photos of dogs on Instagram but he couldn’t spare me one minute and say he wasn’t interested in talking to me anymore. 

More examples:

- I met a guy at SXSW (wow - I met someone offline. How old school!) and we checked out some shows. We exchanged numbers and made plans to get drinks the next Saturday. On the day we were supposed to meet up, I didn’t hear back from him. I don’t sit around and wait for a guy so when a friend invited me to go day drinking, I said yes. Then I ran into him at the bar my friend and I went to. Yes, he saw me. Yes, we talked. Yes, it was weird.

- I matched with a guy on Bumble. He had just moved to Austin and we met up for ice cream around 9pm. We were supposed to have dinner but he said he’d been working long hours at his new job so this was what he was able to fit. He walked me to my car and asked if we could have dinner another time. We exchanged a few texts but never made plans. Then, a week later, one of my girlfriends was showing me some of her Bumble matches and he was one of them. He asked her to meet up for drinks and even set a date, time and place. I told her what happened and she unmatched with him.

With the exception of Joe, those other guys were painless. It’s annoying and incredibly rude but you shrug it off and move on.

A guy who doesn’t make time for you isn’t worth your time.

It’s possible I could’ve had my heart broken again recently. How did I stop that from happening? By keeping my eyes wide open, guarding my heart and keeping him at arm’s length - no matter how strong the urge to pull him close tugged at me.

I met Matt in November. For our first date we had dinner on SOCO. From the minute I saw him, there was something about him that intrigued me. He was sooo different from all the other guys I’ve dated. Based on appearance alone, I wasn’t sure we looked like a match. He was cute - just different. We talked, shared stories, and laughed so much. The conversation happened very naturally and we got along so well that we kept going after dinner. We walked around, had Amy’s Ice Cream and checked out a really cool band. He was sweet and affectionate. The election was the next day and we talked about how awful it would be if Hillary lost.

At the end of the date, Matt said he wasn’t looking for anything serious because he just got out of a relationship. I told him that was fine and I thanked him for being honest with me. And I really meant that. It was refreshing that a guy was upfront and told me what he wasn’t looking for. I was still dealing with my broken heart from Joe and scared to put myself out there again so I was good with nothing serious. Matt seemed like a truly nice and genuine guy and I don’t meet guys like that very often. I let him kiss at the end of the night (which I almost never let a guy do). He texted me as I was actually driving away (which also almost never happens) and asked to take me out again later in the week. The date was a success.

Then, November 8 happened. It was one of the worst days of my life…

Hillary lost and our country is stuck with a sexist, racist, misogynist, unqualified celebrity as our president. My boss gave us Wednesday off and I spent most of the morning on my sofa in a state of disbelief, crying and cuddling with my dog. I couldn’t even turn on the TV. I met a friend at 11am and we got drunk on margaritas. I texted Matt and asked him if I could see him that night. He invited me over for take-out food and Netflix. He said we could get through the shock together and cuddle. That made me smile.

He greeted me with a warm embrace. He was so gracious, sweet and understanding. I was a wreck but he never once said I was overreacting. That my fears were rational and I had every reason to be concerned. He could’ve told me I was over-exaggerating but he didn’t undermine my feelings. He listened to me vent. He said he was concerned for what women, minorities and Muslims would be facing now. And science. He talked about how much he loved science, how important it was to address climate change and it was the issue he cared about the most. He was so passionate about it. Listening to him talk about something he obviously cared about was endearing. It was what attracted me the most to him. 

What started out as a horrible morning ended up being a really good night. We hunkered down at his place as the rain fell outside all night. We never turned on the news so we watched funny YouTube videos, including my favorite. We laughed so much. It was like the nightmare going on outside wasn’t happening. He cheered me up. He was a complete gentleman, considerate and completely won me over. Whatever he wanted from me, I would have given it to him.

I kicked myself for that initial first impression of him. I had learned a good lesson from my last relationship: don’t judge a book by its cover.  At first seeing Joe, he appeared to be everything I wanted but it turned out to be a disaster. If I had never met Joe, I probably wouldn’t have even met up with Matt. Matt didn’t appear to be a guy I would date just based on what was on the outside. But, after getting to know him a bit, his qualities and personality was what drew me in. And I grew to be immensely attracted to him.

We saw each other for a few months. I cooked for him or we’d order take-out. We ate dessert a lot and drank a lot of wine. We went to Top Golf and watched movies at each other’s place. We had so much fun and could be playful with one another. But, mostly, we talked. We talked about our families, our friends, and interests. From the outside we were completely different - different looks, religions, backgrounds and cultures. But inside, we shared so many of the same values and it was those common beliefs we regarded, the things that matter the most, that made us click. Once, he came to my place and brought the movie version of a book I had just read. Literally finished the book the day before and there was the DVD in his hands. I never even told him I was reading it.

I felt him starting to pull away around the holidays. But we met up a few more times after the new year. We watched online and were disgusted as the effects of the executive order from the travel ban happened. That night, we played games and we laughed. Boy, did we laugh. I had so much fun with him. He made me smile and feel good. This was a genuinely nice guy and I don’t meet people like that very often. 

Then, Matt started being less responsive. I would text him and nothing. This was not like him so I was disappointed. I told him I had been ghosted on before and how hurtful it was so I didn’t see this coming. I was annoyed. I sent him one more message and hoped he would respond. 

At soon as I read that, I thought:

I hoped he would have been honest about why he didn’t want to see me anymore, because that’s how he was with me when it started. But he lied. And I knew he was lying. Because, as I’ve learned from years of dating, no matter how busy you are, you make time for people you want to see.

I’m not going to make the effort or spend my energy on someone who can’t do the same for me. One reason I walked away from this unscathed is because I knew he wasn’t looking for anything serious. But mostly it was because I kept my walls up the entire time. That’s no way to have a relationship. You should always keep an open heart and open mind. If you go in and close yourself off to the possibilities, you could miss out on something really good.

I get that he wanted to date around. The guy just got out of a relationship and I don’t blame him. He wanted to explore. If he had just told me the truth, I would’ve understood. I didn’t care about being exclusive…I cared about being acknowledged. 

It looked like we were on the same page and that everything was going well. A few friends that knew about him asked me what happened or what changed. I can guess or make an assumption but I don’t know for certain because he didn’t give me that courtesy.

I don’t meet very many guys that I like. I don’t mean “have feelings” for - I mean actually like. As in they are decent, nice and good to be around. Usually when a relationship ends, I’m disgusted or ashamed at myself for giving my time to someone so worthless. But I didn’t feel that way about Matt. I truly enjoyed being around him. I liked that we could have long conversations and talk about things that actually mattered and topics going on in the world. He was a person of substance and quality, which is so rare these days. I know we were not serious but I thought we were at least friends. So when he said he didn’t have the time for me, I was disappointed that I wasn’t able to spend time with a good person. I offered him my friendship (which never happens) because I thought so highly of him and still wanted to be able to talk. But he didn’t respond. So clearly he didn’t feel the same way about me.

A few weeks later, I was at an event at the Capitol and I saw Matt. And he was there with another girl. It just gave me visual confirmation of something I already knew - that he did have time but not for me. He was honest at the beginning but not at the end. After seeing his lie in-person, I know that I didn’t mean anything to him. The “connection” I thought we had was all one-sided. It’s possible everything between us was:

I’ll be okay. It sucks. It really sucks. But what am I supposed to do? He clearly had no interest and didn’t feel anything for me. I had no choice but to move on. I know that I’m worthy. That deserve I something really good and someone really amazing. I know what I am and what I have to offer. And I won’t waste my time or energy on someone who doesn’t see this. I just hope one day to meet someone who recognizes my qualities and won’t let me go. And I’m so thankful to have such great friends who know this and will always be there to support me.

Send your thoughts, comments or questions to anonymousinatx512@gmail.com

[anonymousinatx]

In Response to Honesty Honestly

Thursday, April 26, 2017

I got a nice reaction to my blog on April 20. Thanks for your input! Remember if you want to share your thoughts and send me your opinion, I will always keep your name and/or photo confidential. Send me an email at anonymousinatx512@gmail.com

Below are a few comments to the post:

“You were definitely not too harsh on Eric. I enjoyed your post. I just think guys can’t do that (be honest.) Maybe they believe telling you the truth is worse and too harsh. So they lie because they don’t want to hurt you.” Marisa from Austin

“I agree with you about the need to be more honest. Just tell it like it is. It’s awkward to be honest in person so I find myself telling them later on via text if I’m not interested.” Christina from Leander

“You should definitely be more honest! Let’s not waste each other’s time. If we aren’t right for each other, then let’s move on. If I’m not what you are looking for, just tell me. Honestly is so important to me and always has been. I’m super blunt so I prefer that.” Faith from Kingwood

The one reaction that sticks out comes from a friend. We had a conversation about Honesty Honestly and talked for a bit about it. In a nutshell, what came from our talk is that people don’t tell the truth and will tell a lie because they are trying to “protect” you. I DO NOT agree with this:

So when it comes to ending a relationship or not wanting to continue seeing a person, this means your options are essentially:

A. Lie

B. Ghost

C. Be honest and tell the truth

The subtext here is:

A.      They lie and feed you some bullshit line so they don’t hurt your feelings.

B.      They ghost because they want to avoid it altogether.

All of the above is stuff that I already know. I also know that it doesn’t matter what the outcome is. No matter if it’s A, B or C, you are going to get your feelings hurt in some way shape or form. So if that’s going to happen, wouldn’t you rather hear the truth?

When a guy feeds me some line about “being busy” or when I send him a text and he doesn’t reply, I can take a hint. The point is I shouldn’t HAVE to take a hint. I know it’s difficult to be honest and share your feelings. But it’s also extremely selfish and juvenile to not be upfront. You’re making it easier on yourself but harder on the other person. It’s time to grow up. Get over it. I don’t need or want your protection…I want the truth. I deserve it, we deserve it.

Because, no matter what...

And you will be caught in a lie. Stay tuned for my next post on May 4…

[anonymousinatx]

WTF Wednesday

April 26, 2017

I am too old for this shit...

[anonymousinatx]

Honesty Honestly

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Every time we have a date, we try to be the best version of ourselves. It’s like going on a job interview - you hide your flaws and show off your strengths. You don’t want to be too much too soon. 

I used to always go on a date feeling optimistic. A new person, a new possibility. There was a little hope that something good could happen. However, I’ve recently been going on dates with this kind of attitude:

Right now, I have zero expectations. I’ve set the bar so low it looks like a toothpick. I’ve decided I’m going to be honest and real. Say what’s on my mind. I’ll still remain positive but I’m also tired of bullshit and tired of playing games. 

So, I went on a first date a few weeks ago with a guy named Eric and it was pretty awful. In addition to being 20 minutes late (without even an apology), he proceeded to curse and complain about everything going on in his life. How awesome, right? Who wants to date someone so negative.

Eric had just moved to Austin and was having trouble with the dating scene. At one point, Eric told me that I was the first normal girl he had went out with. The last girl he dated “went crazy” on him. I asked Eric what was so crazy about her. He said they went out several times and that she kept texting him. She wouldn’t leave him alone and kept contacting him, asking him to hang out again. I asked him, “Were you interested in seeing her again?” He said no. This annoyed me because I’ve been there. So I said, “Then why didn’t you tell her that you didn’t want to see her anymore?“ Eric reacted like this:

I’m being dead serious. That was the look on his face! The best way I can describe it is like he had some kind of epiphany. 

With my zero fucks attitude, I told him exactly what I thought of his treatment of her. I said, “She’s not crazy. She’s frustrated. She was obviously interested in seeing you again, which is why she kept contacting you. We can probably take a hint if the guy doesn’t respond but we shouldn’t have to. You ghosted on her and that’s not right. It was two dates so you should be considerate enough to tell her that you didn’t want to go out again.”

I really don’t get it. It never even occurred to him to tell her the truth. 

Why can’t people just be honest with each other? Is it really that hard? Or is honesty something that we have forgotten to do?

No one likes to be rejected. This is true. But, as I wrote in a previous post on Ghosting -  “you take the hit, know it’s over and move on... they told you the truth and you weren’t flat out ignored.”

Ladies - I’m speaking to you, too. Please, when someone takes the time to end things with you, you should be thankful. One of the reasons guys don’t want to be honest and end things with us is because they think we’re going to get clingy or emotional and react like this:

So, I’m giving you a challenge. Please, let’s try a little bit of honesty on your next date. It’s not so bad and it’s something we should be able to do as adults.

Speaking of honesty…

In case you want to know what happened with Eric, at the end of the date, he said it was great meeting me and he wanted to go out again. I told him, “It was nice meeting you too. If we hang out again, would you mind if we did so just as friends? 

His reaction?

Sorry, Eric. I was just doing for myself what you couldn’t do for that other girl.

What do you think? Was I too harsh on Eric? Do you like honesty? Is it better to be left in the dark? Would you rather be ghosted on? 

Send me an email at anonymousinatx512@gmail.com, Instagram or Tumblr

I may use some of your comments at the end of every post. Discretion and privacy are a big deal to me so your info will be blurred out and/or I’ll change your first name.

Hope to hear from you soon!

[anonymousinatx]

One and Done

Thursday, April 6, 2017

There’s something that happens to me quite often in online dating, at least several times a week. If you’re a modern dating girl (like me), then maybe it also happens to you. And it’s something I’ve gotten used to.

The first time I downloaded the Tinder app, I was so excited. I looked carefully at the photos and profiles of men. I loved it! It was was shopping on Amazon. I swiped right, got a match and it just kept going. I was ecstatic to see about 100 matches sitting in the queue after just a few days. Honestly, I really read the profiles and only pick guys I’m interested in. I don’t swipe right just for anyone so they had to do the same for me, right? 

So I waited...I figured I would have about a dozen dates in the next few weeks. Then....nothing. Crickets. No messages came through. 

What the hell?

That was my first realization that online dating sucks. People can’t make an effort.

But I do get messages. Most are dirty. But few lead to an actual date.

And, for some reason, I seem to get lot of messages that I like to call “One and Done.” A one and done message looks like this...

Figured it out? 

A one and done message is when a person messages you and you respond. Then nothing. The person who initiated the message doesn’t reply to your reply and the “conversation” just dies. 

I have a friend who hates a lot of back and forth messages. She’ll immediately ask a guy out to meet up for drinks. After looking these messages I’ve received in my past, I’m starting to understand where she’s coming from. It seems impossible to find someone who can actually engage and hold a conversation these days. You gotta hook them fast or they just die away.

Here’s what I have gathered from these types of messages:

For many men, it’s a numbers game. They just like to see a bunch of pretty girls.

People don’t actually want to date.

People are just looking for sex. 

People get bored or distracted very easily.

It’s impossible to find someone you can talk to. If they can’t send a follow-up message, God forbid you’ll even make it to a first date.

Conversation is a lost art.

Dating seems impossible.

So if you actually get to a first date, you should consider that a huge success! Screw if the date actually goes well or not. You achieved a milestone - you got a date out of an app!

I want to hear from you! 

What are your thoughts on these kinds of messages? Do you get them? Why do people send them and then not reply to your reply? Why send this message in the first place?

I’m now available via email at anonymousinatx512@gmail.com

Discretion and privacy are a big deal to me so I promise to not give out your name, photo or contact info. If I ever use it in a post, your info will be blurred out and I will change your first name.

Hope to hear from you soon!

April 13 - IN RESPONSE TO ONE AND DONE

Yes! Thank you for your responses to this post. After I hear from you, I’ll share some of the comments I receive. This is what you said in response to my post One and Done.

“We don’t know how to communicate with one another. Technology is to blame. And social media. We are used to our texting, our emojis and LOLs. Conversations seem impossible.” - Mary from Austin

“This happens to me alllllllll the time. It’s so annoying. The worst is when it happens on Bumble. Like, the girl has to initiate the message. So after his reply, you reply and then get left hanging.” - Diane from NYC

“One and done 'conversations' are so damn frustrating. I agree, conversation is a lost art. I’m dating this guy and, on our first date, he was genuinely happy that talking to me was so easy. The conversation happened so organically. People have forgotten how to talk to other people face to face.” - Karrie from Canada 

[anonymousinatx]

I Can’t Make This Shit Up

“What’s your craziest dating story?” 

That's a fun question my girlfriends ask each other over a bottle of wine. When we share our stories…hands down I always win. I have one doozy of a story, which I put into parts and they get crazier each section.

Part I - Girl Meets and Loses Boy

I was having girl time with some friends. We spent the day drinking and went to a restaurant that night. The weather was perfect and the outdoor patio was packed. A group offered to share their table and we started talking. One guy was gorgeous and had the sexiest accent. His name was Will. One of his friends brought his kids and Will was great with them. He seemed like a nice and sweet guy. Will asked us what we were doing later but we were exhausted and said "Nothing." (So sad, right?) They said good-bye and left. My friend, Kathy, looked at me and said, "What the hell? He was into you!" Crap! I blew it! But he asked all of us and I didn't know which one he was interested in.

Part II - Girl Uses Craigslist to Find Lost Boy

A few days passed and I was still kicking myself for not giving my number to Will. I have a friend who loves reading Missed Connections on Craigslist for fun. This inspired me to write a post and try to find him. I put in good details and described him well. I thought maybe he would have a friend like mine - the friend would read it, know it was him and send it to him. There are a lot of weirdos out there so I asked questions about that night, in the unlikelihood that he did read it, he’d answer them and I’d know it for sure it was him. I got some dirty messages claiming to be Will but no one answered the questions. I hoped for the best but I had zero expectations I'd hear from him.

Part III - Missed Connection SUCCESS!

My friend that loves Missed Connections wonders if it ever works. She’s happy to say she now knows one: Will sent me an email. He said he was extremely flattered I wrote the post and gave me his number. A friend of his actually did see it and forwarded him the link. I was skeptical it was really him, of course, and scared to respond. But he answered the questions correctly so it had to be him. I texted him, he replied and we talked that evening. Holy HELL! It was definitely him and I recognized that sexy accent immediately. We met up for drinks and I was stunned to see him walk in. I thought I'd never see him again so it was weird AF. Our server loved that we met from Craigslist and everyone in the bar knew our story by the end of the night. I couldn’t believe my luck!

Part IV – POOF! Another Ghost

Will and I went on a few dates. We hit it off. He was an extremely good kisser. He was close with his family. He was 5 years older and had never been married. He’d actually CALL me instead of just text (I think the last time I talked on the phone with a guy was high school). If I contacted him, the longest it took for him to reply was an hour. I had a friend's birthday party one weekend and I asked him if he’d wanted to go with me. He said "Of course!" I gave him the details and asked him to meet me there. But he didn't show up. I texted. No reply. I left a voicemail. Still nothing. I tried him again a few days later. Nada. Freakin’ GHOSTED on! Why does this always effin’ happen?

Part V - Missed Missed Connection

I was disappointed because he seemed really into me. My parents came to visit one weekend and he wanted to meet them (I told him "not yet" since that’s a pretty big deal for me.) I went to happy hour with Kathy and she was pissed at him for doing this (“Why bother replying in the first place?”) A few days later, she sent me a screenshot of a text of her telling him off and I replied, "I wish this was real." She said, "Dude, it is real. I had his number from the email he sent you when he replied to your Craigslist post." I didn't encourage or ask her to do this. She’s awesome and did it on her own.

Part VI – I Thought He was a Catch…not that there was a catch

A few days after she texted him, Will called me. I saw his number and thought, "Well, he's alive." About a month had passed since he ghosted and I was pretty much over it. When I listened to his voicemail, he seemed upset and I was surprised by how sincere he sounded. He begged me to call back, said he wanted to explain. I was curious what excuse he had so I gave in. He answered right away and apologized. The night before the party, he was pulled over for drunk driving, punched the police officer then was arrested. He had been in jail for almost a month! 

He admitted he had a record for repeated traffic violations, assault and misdemeanors. When he was released, he saw all the missed calls and texts. Not only from me but from his friends, family and the pissed off text from my friend Kathy. I was the first person he called after he was released from jail (how sweet?) He asked if he could see me again. 

I said sorry and he said he understood. That I was a really nice, awesome and wonderful girl and deserved someone really great. Someone with less issues.

That's when I realized they don't always ghost. Sometimes, they go to jail and don’t have access to their phone. I hope that's the case for you, too.

[anonymousinatx]

Why Are You *Still* Single?

Thursday, March 23, 2017

There is one question and one question I get asked that truly gets on my nerves. I am asked this question quite a bit from the guys who contact me online. And every time I’m asked “Why are you still single?” it’s usually accompanied with one of the following comments:

You are so beautiful/pretty/sexy/gorgeous

I can’t believe someone like you is single

I find it hard to believe that someone like you is alone

You have the best photos and seem like such a sweet/nice/awesome girl

Don’t believe me? See below.

My reaction when I’m asked this or told these things:

This question is frustrating, because it’s something I sometimes wonder myself. But, there are always codes in online dating and that’s not what these guys are really asking.

When a guy asks why you’re still single, he really means:

Yes, I get it. I’m in my mid-30s. I’ve never been married. I have no kids. I’ve made it to this point in my life and I have never done any of these things. So, there must be something wrong with me. I must be crazy. Like Swimfan psychotic. In short, these guys want to know, if I’m such a catch, why some guy hasn’t snagged me up by now. 

At one point when I was asked this, I used to try to explain myself. This guy below asked me why I was single and if I ever get lonely. The last text from him is the last one I ever got and we never went on that date (level 2 ghosting right here): 

Do you think a single-never-married man in his 30s/40s get asked this question with the same level of scrutiny? Does he ever face this judgement? Probably not.

I think the very reasons I’m a catch are also the same reasons I’m *still* single. 

Side note: you do notice that I’m putting emphasis on the word “still,” right?

As I mentioned in my last post on 3/16, I encounter a lot of Peter Pans who are not interested in a serious relationship. They just want to “have fun” (cough...sex) and they aren’t looking for anything long-term. I am a MAGNET for these guys, especially in Austin. I am “beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, etc...” so you think these qualities would draw guys to me. But these are the things that they’re trying to avoid because they don’t want to settle down. Many of these guys are deliberately pushing something good away because they don’t want a nice girl - they want a fun girl. 

As one of my very best friends put it “You are...

I hope this doesn’t make me sound too conceited (I call it self-aware) but I do know I have a lot to offer. I know what my good traits are. I am loving, outgoing, giving, fiercely loyal, open-minded, considerate, etc. I am a pretty bad-ass girlfriend because I take care of my man. Unfortunately, I’ve met a lot of assholes who take advantage of my kindness. 

Some of the guys I’ve dated acknowledge the qualities I have and been decent enough to tell me so. They say “any man would be lucky to be with you.” But no matter how "great" I am, they never explain why they don't want to be that guy.  If they are too immature, stubborn or selfish to hold onto me, then the loss is on them - not me.

One of the best compliments a friend ever gave me is that I have a good heart. And I hold onto this whenever it gets broken. So, in short, I am still single because I just haven’t met the one. The one who is willing to fight. The one who recognizes what he’s found and will hold onto it. I know he’s out there but it’s been agonizing finding him. 

To the guys who saw what I had to offer and let me go...

[anonymousinatx]

Dating in Never-Never Land

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Dating in Austin is no easy feat. You might be thinking, “Whaaaat? That’s not what I heard.” Probably because you saw an article ranking us as one of the top U.S. cities for singles. 

So, let me be more clear regarding this ranking. Yes, Austin is a great city with lots of activities and fun things to do if you are single. And a lot of options for dating. However, it is not the best city if you are seeking a serious relationship.

Why?

Because there is a serious epidemic in our beloved city. It’s a plague and it’s been spreading. It’s impacted many. It’s called PPS. You may know someone who suffers from this. 

The guys in Austin are a bunch of Peter Pans who want to stay little boys. They don’t want to grow up and, more importantly, they don’t need to because they don’t have the pressure.

Approximately 100 people move to Austin everyday. The city has doubled its population in the last decade, most young professionals drawn to the tech industry or creating a startup. We also have UT and a never ending stream of young co-eds moving here each fall. The dating pool is big and the guys want to go swimming. Let’s be real...these guys don’t have to grow up. Austin is a hub for technology, engineering and culture. Not to mention really, really good-looking people who like to bike, run, eat tacos and do yoga.

Whenever I’m looking at profiles online, I see a lot of this:

I chatted with this guy for a bit and he asked me out. Then he admitted he wasn’t looking for something serious. I do appreciate this honesty and him telling me what he is not looking for. There are a lot of guys who don’t do this and just lead you on so they can get what they want. 

While they are upfront about what they are not looking for, they always skirt around what they are looking for. They will almost never come right out and say it. Instead they say they are just looking to “have fun.” 

Hey guys, we cracked your code! When you say that you’re interested in having fun, we know you don’t mean putt-putt and ice cream.

“Having fun” = sex without a serious relationship

Way back in the day, you needed to be in a relationship to have sex. Now, with the internet and numerous dating apps, you can have sex without a relationship.

Guys can drag their feet and take their time because they aren’t in a rush. Their biological clock isn’t ticking. Hell, Hugh Hefner can still have children and he’s 211 years old. It’s incredibly frustrating.

A 50 year-old man who has never married will not be looked down upon and society won’t bat an eye at his status. But a woman? Her single status is sad and pathetic or there is “something wrong with her.” 

I’ll admit I spent a great deal of my 20s enjoying myself. I had the benefits of a college degree, a paycheck and plenty of single friends for post-college antics. I spent most of my teenage years in a relationship and I always said I was in no rush to settle down. Even in the Aziz Ansari “Modern Romance” book, he interviewed elderly women who got married young. They were encouraging their granddaughters to “have fun” and “live it up.” Young women of today have more options and opportunities than our elders.

But, there is a veeeeery-fine-minuscule-line between:

20s “enjoy yourself/the world is your oyster”

vs.

30 “oh god! you are going to die alone!”

Please click on the link above and check out this video on YouTube. It’s hysterical and so accurately describes the predicament women face of having fun, playing the field and enjoying your 20s while realizing you can’t do this forever. It’s a reality men won’t ever have to deal with.

So while I did it too and enjoyed my time, the difference is that I never pushed anything good away. If a guy with potential, that I had a good connection with, came along, I would have hung up my high heels and called it a day. The problem is that when I did meet someone with potential, they always bailed with things got too serious. 

Women find something good? They want to fight.

Guys find something good? They want to flee.

I will never understand this mentality. 

But now, I am at a point in my life where I would like to be in a relationship. I understand that it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time so I want to be friends first and take things slow. I’ve been burned in the past but I haven’t let that stop me or scare me. It just sucks that I live in Never-Never Land.

Austin guys be like weeeee:

Until next time…