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We looked inside some of the posts by anonymous-adult and here's what we found interesting.
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1 month ago
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17
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10/31/2024
Started going to the gym a week ago to help with my anxiety
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8/27/2024
Probably don’t have cancer (idk). But I would like to stop having sapphic crushes. I am all the way married.
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8/19/2024
I feel better today but I have convinced myself I have cancer.
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8/18/2024
Just ended my one year streak of no self harm ✨✨✨✨✨
Fucking awesome all that hard work down the fucking drain because I’m too much of a psycho to compose myself for two fucking seconds. I don’t deserve love or attention and tbh I wish I would just fucking get it over with already. Fuck
I literally can’t follow through with anything I’m a fucking joke. I’m the fucking problem and I can’t even take accountability. I don’t deserve anything
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7/9/2024
FUCK?! Why did I call her?! Why couldn’t I have just played it cool for like 5 fucking minutes?! Now she thinks I’m crazier than she already did. I know she doesn’t care but fuck fuck?! Why do I have to be so self serving?! I can’t get my OCD to shut up for 2 seconds.
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7/9/2024
GOD! I hate when people pull away from me without telling me why?! I know it probably has nothing to do with me but my brain can’t stop but fill in the blanks with my inadequacies. FUCK! I am always surrounded by the fact that I am everyone’s “oh yeah, I know them” friend. I have like ONE close friend that lives across the fucking country. I feel so fucking alone and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
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7/9/2024
Sometimes I wish I didn’t work with my sister. That way I wouldn’t have such a physical reminder that she doesn’t really like me.
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7/2/2024
Now that I broke the tension, I fully feel like I am walking on a tightrope between screaming and sobbing. But I feel weirdly ok??? Like I feel like I’m masking really well on the outside (aside from the mania of not being able to stop yapping).
Notes: Charlie died 6/22/2024
My uncle Charles died 6/25/2024
My OCD is waiting for the third shoe to drop.
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7/2/2024
- looks at previous entry- woah. That was a lot. ANYWAYS! I’m sad 😔
But in like an existential way. Teehee
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5/24/2024
I am a fucking miserable coward. I hate that I ever let it get this far. I hope you go through my phone and read this you fucking fuck. I fucking hate you. All of these breakdowns that I have been keeping track of here are your fucking fault. You are a childish slob but I AM THE FUCKING IDIOT for thinking you would ever grow up or change. I keep thinking you’ll love me enough to do it. But let’s just call it. You fucking hate me. I fucking can’t stand you. Let’s just fucking call it. I’ll find someone who actually likes me and you can find someone who will put up with your fucking delusions.
God a fucking month. We were married for a fucking month. That’s it. The ink is barely fucking dry. FUCK
I have wasted over a DECADE for your fucking evil ass. I hate you and guess what?! Your fucking fear of not being a good person?! CONGRATS YOU FUCKING MANIFESTED THAT ONE, asshole. You are VILE and I hope your feet fucking hurt after every show you go to for the rest of your life. I hope you are tormented about how shittily you treat people and I hope you find someone that ACTUALLY makes you fucking happy and then I hope they see through you and crush your fucking heart. I was a stupid stupid stupid kid who fell in love with you and now I’m a fucking jaded 31 year old who hates your fucking guts. Fuck you you piece of shit man baby.
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5/1/2024
Ayyyyyy. I have LIVER DISEASE. It is reversible but I am so fucking tired of this new diet already but I’m only a fucking day in I just don’t know what to eat. Brain go “survivor challenge”. This will make sense to no one but me
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1/30/2024
I legit thought I had been doing a very good job at keeping everything together. But I asked my sister today if she had already gotten lunch, and she had. And that made me cry…. A lot out of seemingly no where. I think I’m just overwhelmed? I just value our friendship a lot, maybe I depend on it too much? Should I give her more space? Did I say something in front of her coworkers that embarrassed her? I felt like the vibe was off recently. Maybe they don’t want me around as much. I used to eat lunch with them every day, and now I don’t.
I think I’m probably over thinking it. But I can’t fix my hurt feelings at the moment, and I don’t want to bring it up, because I think I know deep down she didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just hurt because I talked on the phone with her last night and talked about wanting to get lunch with her, and today she didn’t even ask.
I real wish I wasn’t so weird. I just want to be normal.
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5/19/2023
Yesterday was bad. It’s time to start being kinder to myself. I will never self harm again. This is a promise to myself and those that I love. If there is any lesson to be had from this… it’s this
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5/13/2023
Thoughts on LB:
Throughout the service, I went back and forth thinking about if I should be there. The only person I would have wanted to talk to was you. But you took yourself from this world. The later part of this week I have been angry. Angry at myself and angry at you. Angry at you because you LOVED your family. You talked about them all the time, Walter, your girls, your granddaughter. What was it? I’ll never know. I’m mad at myself for thinking I knew you, for being so self absorbed that I thought that we were friends. I thought about texting you the week where you took your own life. I should have. I wanted to check on you, because you had worried me when you told me you weren’t eating. But I didn’t know if I would be overstepping. I thought of you as a friend, but I’m not sure if you thought of me as one. I know my work ethic frustrated you, but you always took care of me and I appreciated that. I wish I knew your family better so that I could offer my condolences without them ringing hollow. But they have strong pillars of support in their lives, and so much of that is thanks to you. You left a legacy in everything you touched. I think I’m just so upset because of our last conversations. I wish I had listened more, and I wish that I hadn’t called my grandfather an “asshole” in front of you. I need to work on my tact and thinking about how I present my thoughts. I felt complicated, and should have just said that. It was complicated. I loved my grandfather. I still do, I wish I had told you that. You had just became a grandfather yourself. Part of me blames myself. Maybe it is all my fault. I don’t really think that it is, but even if it was, what can I do? I want to focus on all of the positive things that I learned from you. I want to do better at taking care of those around me, I want to work hard, I want to do something. I hold myself back too often. I think another reason why I am so affected is because I really don’t have too many older people in my life that I like and respect. I have my parents, but that’s different. I always told my dad that you were such a dad, and it kind of always reminded me of my dad. I would call my dad every Friday when I left the archive and when I left your house. I had too. Seeing you made me think of my dad. When I called he would always say “ You leaving Lance’s? How was Lance?” I called him on my way home from the service. I told him that you committed suicide today. He didn’t know what to say. I’m still trying to find the words myself. We may have been acquaintances, I didn’t know anyone else in your life. But you were a fixture in my life. And now that fixture is gone. I’m working through it. If I don’t see myself doing it, I’ll never do it.
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5/9/2023
I’m not well. I'm trying to not feel guilty but that's all I can feel right now. And I feel bad that I feel bad because I feel like it's not my grief, and what if we weren't actually friends? I'm rethinking everything I said to him last and what if I just looked like a moocher. And I just feel this way because I have this incessant need to make everything about me. And why do I need to center myself in this? And even now I feel bad for saying all of this too. Because like i could just say I'm fine. And that would be it. But what if I had just actually LISTENED to people instead of thinking of the next thing I'm going to say all the time. I'm so mad at myself but I also know it's not fair to myself. This whole situation just stinks and I don't know what the correct way to think is. I just wish none of this happened
Honestly? I should have checked on him. I should have. I’ll never make that mistake again. I need to listen more and talk less. That has always been my problem.
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different time. same place
4/22/2022
I just want to capture this moment in time. Sitting outside in downtown Austin, above the Mohawk. It’s 11 pm. The sky is overcast and I’m a little stoned. Cheer Up Charlie’s is playing 2000s bops next door. It’s a perfect spring evening. There is a breeze. And I am alone. Blissfully alone. I can hear people enjoying themselves but I get this special place all to myself, and it is perfect.
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