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Vortal Incarnation [Chapter 5]

“Some Sort of Gordigaunt”

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Word Count: 3,849

Ao3 Version | FFN Version (coming soon)

The technology that would be used to communicate with Eli was fascinating in-person, being one-part borrowing stuff from The Combine and one-part human ingenuity. There were cameras embedded in the frame of the screen, tiny ones, that could supposedly capture images to a visual fidelity impossible to properly display on most of the screens currently available to the Resistance; the technology was here, though, and it had already blown Gordon’s mind when he first saw what a full-quality image looked like at Barney’s workplace.

“If you don’t want to see Eli, you don’t have to stay up here.” Kleiner reminded him.

‘I want to see him.’

He frowned. “Your body language is no different now than it was all those years ago, Gordon. I can tell you are bothered by something.”

Admittedly, he was a little more excited to see video-communication technology in action again than he was to see Eli. He’d become a busy man in Gordon’s absence, a resistance leader. There was no way he was going to be the same man that he’d shared coffee with in Black Mesa.

‘I’m just scared.’ He confessed.

“I’ve already told him who you are, so you don’t need to convince him of anything.”

‘I know. I just’

The screen in front of them flicked on before Gordon could finish his response. His body became tense and incapable of movement as a familiar face came immediately into view.

“Isaac, are you there?”

“Yes, Eli, and we hear you loud and clear.”

Eli had been somewhere between Gordon and Kleiner’s age when he last saw the man hunkered down in the Anomalous Materials labs. While Barney had aged gracefully in the past twenty years, his hair still retaining most of its dark color and his face becoming a little rougher with time, and Kleiner had changed very little from then and now, Eli almost looked like an entirely different person. The prickles of hair on his face and the small streaks of silver behind the ears had evolved fully into a head of grey hair and a beard that was thoroughly salted and peppered.

“Gordon, I see you’re with us too.” Eli said with a soft smile. “Let me get a look at you!”

Gordon’s heart ached with joy. That man must have been holding back everything to not bombard him with questions.

Kleiner guided Gordon to a better position for Eli to see.

“That really is something…” he said while scratching his chin.

“Indeed.” Kleiner nervously tapped at the console he was currently leaning over before walking back into view himself. “Is Alyx with you, by chance?”

“She’s hiding.”

“I am not!” A younger voice laughed, “I just want to listen in.”

“No, no, I understand. You’re embarrassed to meet him.”

“Dad! What would I even be embarrassed about?”

Gordon chuckled to himself, he could tell that Eli was just teasing his daughter. It was good to know that becoming a resistance leader hadn’t scrubbed away his sense of humor.

Subtly, Kleiner cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention. “I know we only talked about it briefly in last night’s conversation, but have you put any more thought into getting him into Black Mesa East?”

“That depends,” Eli said with a focused tone, “what does Gordon think about it?”

Gordon looked between Kleiner and the screen wearily. The idea had been brought up while he was toying with the mini-teleporter and it made him incredibly anxious.

“With a face like that, I take it that’s a no.”

“Oh dear…might I ask why, Gordon?”

He scrunched up his face as he began to write his feelings on the matter. He wasn’t strongly opposed, but-

“The Freeman expresses guilt for the past.” Said a voice on Eli’s side. “He finds himself unable to coexist within the same physical proximities as our kin at this time.”

He knew the voice. The tone and intonation was similar to the voices that spoke in his head and urged him to first awaken in his new body.

And now it had spoken in the physical world, on his behalf, knowing his response before he could record it onto paper.

That shouldn’t have been possible. After all, how could anything know how he was feeling just then other than himself?

But then Gordon remembered: He was still thinking like a human, still working with the assumption that his thoughts were privy only to himself when he had already discovered this to be untrue.

He had already comprehended the unceasing white noise in his head as a symphony of countless minds, he already knew that thoughts and ideas could be projected to him.

Why wouldn’t it work in the opposite direction?

The realization broke something in Gordon, paralyzing him with the knowledge that he himself was now a contributor to a greater whole.

His mind and body became unresponsive to the world around him, unable to even think from the shock.

Nearby voices spoke with a worried tone. A careful hand guided him to the floor and spoke gentle nonsense to him.

How long had he been projecting himself to others within the hivemind?

How did he stop it?

Did his mere existence make him a bother to the rest of the collective?

His existence may not have been a burden to his human friends now, but it certainly must have been for the rest of the vortigaunt species.

“It’s…it’s going to be okay…” Kleiner said quietly beside him, “I promise it will…”

How would Kleiner know? He was still human. He wasn’t one of the countless numbers being subjected to a constant stream of Gordon’s thoughts.

A part of him wondered if his existence in this body was a punishment, both for himself and for the vortigaunts, by that Nihilanth creature…

Subtly, something…somebody reached out from the static in his mind, and they asked.

“Does the Freeman hear us?”

Of course he did. How couldn’t he?

“Of course…of course…if he hears us as clearly as we hear him……then he hears us clearly when we tell him that he does not burden us with his presence.”

Gordon breathing hitched…surely this vortigaunt, whoever they were, was just saying that.

But then…why was there a feeling of sincerity that couldn’t be shrugged off?

“Our words are not fabrications. If the Freeman was a burden, that sentiment would be very known.”

How? How would he know?

“Reach inward…”

It was an odd instruction, but Gordon closed his eye and…focused on the static in his mind. He wasn’t sure what to focus on, but he tried regardless. It seemed to be the most logical option.

Slowly, the noise around him faded into the background…and he suddenly jolted at the flood of sensations he opened himself up to. Like the first time he peered into the hivemind, his connection was just as quickly lost.

It was…

It felt almost like being hugged by the cosmos. He couldn’t truly compare it to anything from his prior life.

There was curiosity and joy that radiated to him, sympathy and comfort, so many different emotions; there had been anger and annoyance, yes, but it never felt accusatory or directed at his existence.

It was…confusing.

He was clearly wanted, despite the harm he’d previously done, and the harm he continued to do right now.

There was no indication of forgiveness for his prior violence, not because these actions were forgotten but rather for reasons he couldn’t fully understand yet.

And still, despite this, he was wanted…

No, ‘wanted’ wasn’t the right word.

He considered the word ‘needed’ but…that wasn’t quite right either.

It was so hard to parse…

“The Freeman is not a burden.” The vortigaunt told him clearly. “…You are not a burden.”

Gordon opened his eyes, staring blankly ahead.

In all of his prior communications, he was referred to as ‘The Freeman’ or would be spoken to as if he wasn’t the desired recipient, always ‘he’ and ‘his’.

Never ‘you’.

“No matter the form of your return, you were to receive the help of our kin. For you were briefly one with us when you fought that lesser master, the Nihilanth, and all saw that a mysterious force would guide us together on this rock, your home. By fate, or by other forces we cannot perceive, you were brought to us.”

Visions came to him…red layered over red, pain beyond anything he’d even endured, and for a moment he saw memories not quite his own of…of…

He closed his eyes again.

“We ensured your return through the means most available to us. We knew the task at hand when your cord was weaved with ours, and we accepted it.”

Gordon let out a long sigh.

He was dead.

At least he was by technicality. He knew this now.

This body of his, it wasn’t new in the sense that it had been transformed somehow, it was new because they’d taken his consciousness or his soul or something from his old body and put it into an entirely new one. To save his life.

“You were given little choice on your persistence, and we were of limited time and available alternatives for your renewed form. We understand both the weight of these actions and the responsibilities that must come with what we have done. Your unsure body will go not unguided by those who once needed guiding themselves, this we promise.”

Gordon squeezed his eyes tighter to keep himself from crying.

He wanted to thank this vortigaunt, whoever they were, but he was pretty sure the entire collective could sense his gratitude as soon as it came to him.

He still felt guilty to be projecting himself constantly, even a little embarrassed by it, but a weight was certainly lifted in knowing that he wasn’t despised for it.

“If your worries are put to rest, then we have done well.”

The other vortigaunt’s presence retreated into the static once more…lost among the sea of voices…

Gordon found Kleiner conversing anxiously with the transmission screen when he opened his eyes again. The older man was immediately attentive when he looked over.

“Gordon!” He crouched beside him. “Are you…feeling any better?”

He nodded.

“Thank goodness…”

“You had the rest of us worried half to death.” Eli added.

The vortigaunt hidden on Eli’s side spoke. “There were aspects of the Freeman that were not taken into consideration when we recounted his perceptions.”

Aspects of himself they hadn’t considered…

It was an intentionally vague statement, but Gordon could somehow tell that it was done so to spare his friends the details behind his recent meltdown. It was rather considerate of them.

Alyx spoke up. “That sounds like a pretty bad oversight. We don’t have to worry about something similar happening to Gordon in the future, do we?”

“Our kin have already reached out to alleviate the issues that this lapse in our judgement caused. For the Freeman’s privacy, we speak no further on this topic.”

“How is he handling all of it?” Asked Eli, “Sharing his mind with all the others…I can’t imagine it being easy for him to process.”

Gordon was inclined to agree. Even without the issue of having a new body, the cognitive experience so far would take a while to get used to.

“He has been faring better than hoped. We feared the Freeman would degrade during his long recovery, on account of the complications we faced…”

The answer intrigued Gordon. If the Vortigaunts had gone through so much effort to save him, then he wanted to know what they’d dealt with.

With his interest piqued, he carefully lifted himself to his feet to give full attention to the vortigaunt on Eli’s side. Alyx had apparently come into view while he was having his crisis, hovering just behind her father.

“I take it these complications are why Gordon was gone for so long?” Alyx asked, her body language suggesting that she shared the same level of interest on the topic as he did.

“This is correct.”

“Care to disclose any of the details, or…?”

“We believe the Freeman’s current form is a sufficient-enough detail, for now.”

“Gotcha…”

“Despite the circumstances, we are pleased with what we have witnessed since the Freeman’s awakening. His mind may be untrained and unceasing with what it shares through the Vortessence, but he lives, and that is far more important!”

The lack of details was disappointing, for both of them it seemed, but the answer at least implied that they would be able to learn more in the future.

“So…” Alyx continued, “How can we expect Gordon to compare with other vortigaunts? Is there anything we need to look out for?”

“The Freeman shares the physical and biological characteristics typically expected of our kin. His ability to communicate through the Vortessence is unhindered, but his ability to fully perceive it will not come easy to him, for his mind still reflects the mental processes of his original self.”

She nodded, “I see…he’s still Gordon Freeman just…vortigaunt-shaped, now.”

“Indeed.”

“So…that would make him some sort of Gordigaunt, right?”

Gordon let out an unwitting snort.

Okay, maybe not a snort necessarily given his new physiology, but definitely something similar that got him quietly giggling to himself.

It was such a terrible pun, he couldn’t help but be proud of this woman he barely knew.

“Was that Gordon???”

Eli chuckled, “Well, it couldn’t have been anybody else over there. I know for a fact Izzy doesn’t snort like that.”

Gordon leaned back into view of the screen, giving an exaggerated huff as he attempted to cross his arms, which wasn’t particularly easy when you had an extra appendage getting in the way, but he managed.

This seemed to get a laugh out of Alyx in return. A layer of stress seemed to melt away from her as he wordlessly crafted an appropriate reaction to her father’s joke.

“I knew you two would get along.” Kleiner smiled.

“Like kindred spirits.” Added Eli.

Gordon…wouldn’t go that far, they’d only exchanged a single pleasantry. Alyx seemed to share the sentiment, playfully getting onto her dad with an elbow bumped against his arm.

“Well,” Eli sighed, “now that we’ve lightened the mood, I guess we need to get back to more pressing matters. Gordon, we need to figure out what to do with you. Izzy’s lab is small and well-hidden, but even with the people we have on the inside keeping attention away from there, operating within City 17 puts both of you at a massive risk. If the Combine were to ever find that lab somehow…” He looked away from the screen.

“The Freeman cannot be rushed, either. To the world, it has been many years since Black Mesa. To him, merely hours. He must be given time to heal the psychological scars of his prior venture. This exact reason is why we have kept ourselves concealed during this consultation.”

They were right…Gordon may have been getting used to his new body, but that was vastly different from actually meeting another vortigaunt. He was sure that the presence of other vortiguants would just make him uncomfortable from the guilt, and that was the cause of his avoidance, but if he really thought about…how was he so sure he wouldn’t attempt to defend himself if one was to step in front of him right now?

He had become so quickly conditioned to run and then defend himself if he even heard a vortigaunt nearby…but that was the important part, wasn’t it?

He didn’t kill indiscriminately, only when he felt certain his life was in danger, and even then only after he was a safe distance away to plan his attack.

Run, Think, Shoot, Live: That had been his main strategy for survival in Black Mesa.

Gordon would sooner pride himself as a man of science than a man with a gun anyday, and sometimes slipping away from danger was better for his health in the long run than shooting somebody that didn’t know you were there to begin with.

One time he’d stumbled, coincidentally, into a vortigaunt that was hiding from the combat…

There had been in-fighting between the aliens and the military.

Gordon fell down a hole and found a vortigaunt there with him. He could vividly remember them trying to nurse a gash beneath their central eye.

Nobody moved in to attack. They just…stared at each other from an uncomfortably close distance, the fear of death shared between them.

He didn’t dare turn his back on them when their eyes met, but he certainly didn’t dare to shoot them either when they were both so vulnerable.

They waited until the sound of gunfire in the immediate area trickled down before climbing out…both ran in opposite directions, both trying to survive…both of them understanding that there was greater value to run than to fight.

Gordon wondered if that vortigaunt had made it out of Black Mesa. Their meeting had made a greater personal impact on him than he could have ever realized at the time. He didn’t just see a creature in chains…he saw a terrified person in those crimson-red eyes, and it gave him all the more reason to avoid killing when possible. Paired with the information he now knew about the vortigaunts, it made sense that they would have been hiding…

Gordon returned his attention to the conversation happening before him.

Kleiner was trying to insist that having Gordon around was far from an issue while Eli and Alyx were insistent that it wouldn’t be ideal for either of their healths.

“If it’s food you’re worried about, I’m sure I can ration the supply so that you won’t have to worry about sending more our way.”

“Kleiner…” Alyx sighed, “It’s not just a matter of food. I don’t think staying cooped up in there is going to do Gordon any good mentally, either.”

“I agree, but we also can’t send him somewhere with reckless abandon.” Added Eli. “We have people running around constantly to deliver supplies or medical aid, and some of those people happen to be vortigaunts. He'll inevitably have to meet one in-person.”

“Isn’t there any way we can meet in the middle about this?” The older man pleaded. “Perhaps we could have a couple weeks of delay with sending Gordon over to Black Mesa East.”

“That’s fine, doc, but we still have to-”

The vortigaunt coughed, both sides fell silent. “Perhaps the Freeman should be given charge of his fate…”

All eyes fell upon Gordon.

Eli nodded, “They’re right. Gordon’s been dragged around enough for one lifetime.”

It…felt nice to have a semblance of agency. Running around in a military-grade radiation suit had somehow made him the only person capable of doing…pretty much anything in the wake of an alien invasion. And Gordon always had a hard time saying ‘no’ if somebody asked nicely for him to do something.

He probably would have surrendered to the military if they hadn’t been so belligerent every time they crossed paths; Gordon was a pushover with standards, damnit.

“We shall relay the Freeman’s preferences among his peers, if he so desires.” Said the vortigaunt.

He’d allow it. It felt better to know that he was giving permission for his thoughts to be spilled out.

Kleiner gave another of his tender-hearted smiles. “Whatever it is you need, Gordon, we’ll do what we can to make it work.”

Whatever he needed…

Whatever he needed……

He’d have to be able to confront other vortigaunts.

He’d just have to.

Inevitable, even, as Eli had said.

He knew his first instinct if scared by something wouldn’t be to kill it without a second thought, so why was he afraid he would with the vortiguants?

Was he really just that broken from Black Mesa, or was it that guilt that continued to fester in his soul? Could guilt really convince a man that he would kill on-sight, despite everything pointing to the contrary?

He wanted to help his friends…he wanted to join the Resistance, or if nothing else, know how to help them out. But he can’t do that if he’s scared of hurting people.

He needed to push past that guilt, somehow. He needed to accustom himself to being around other vortiguants.

Eli’s eyes, deep in thought, wandered aimlessly as Gordon’s worries were shared with the group.

Finally, he let out a slow, pensive breath. “We could start introducing you to others through video transmissions. Not much room for error if neither of you are in the same room to begin with. If everything goes well after a while, we’ll find somebody for you to meet in-person. How’s all that sound?”

It seemed suitable-enough, although he did note that if they did something like this, he’d like to start after he…got used to being alive, he supposed. A couple days or so re-learning how to relax would probably do his nerves a favor, and everybody else seemed to agree.

With a plan in place for Gordon’s future exposure to other vortigaunts, which would in-turn make way for their plans to get him to Black Mesa East, that just left one final issue to address…

“Dad, what do we tell the rest of the Resistance?” Asked Alyx. “Even if we keep it in this room, people are going to notice if the name Gordon Freeman starts getting thrown around more over here.”

“That’s the hard part, I don’t really have an answer for that yet. Rumors spread faster than information, and there’s no telling how people will react if we don’t approach this carefully. I don’t THINK it would tear the Resistance apart, but…we just can’t be sure.”

“This is something to be dwelled on.” Said the vortigaunt. “Nothing will be lost from waiting to act.”

Eli nodded in their direction. “Alright…I think I can accept that.”

For a final time, Kleiner spoke up. “If this is the case, then I suppose we must now adjourn.”

“Agreed, we’ll see you again in a few days. And…Gordon,” He looked directly at the man-turned-vortigaunt. “It’s good to have you back with us, son. Get some rest…”

He would.

He definitely would.

“We hope to embrace the Freeman’s physical presence!”

“See ya, Gordon.” Alyx waved.

With that, the screen flickered to black, the glossy surface faintly reflecting Gordon’s new face at him. The most he could see was that one central eye he kept open, staring back at him; much like that vortigaunt he’d seen in the hole, there was fear in that eye right now…but he hoped that soon there’d be something more to see behind them.

Yes…hope, that sounded right.

It seemed stupid, but he hoped to see hope in his eyes soon.

“Come along now, Gordon. I’ve just remembered something that could prove very useful to you!”

Curious, Gordon decided to follow behind, catching one last blurry glimpse of himself before doing so.

#half life #half-life #half life au #Vortal Incarnation #fanfic #fanfiction

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