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anonity · 25 days ago

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stop i forgot how much i used to looove hanahaki

when loving you takes the last breath of oxygen from my lungs, i’ll crawl from my grave to thank you.

synopsis: as paige lays there, surrounded by white rose petals drenched in her own blood, she takes her final gasping breaths. her throat constricts in searing pain, marred deep by the thorns that cut as they came up. she should’ve known, loving azzi would always kill her.

or, paige contracts hanahaki and it’s literally killing her.

a/n: remember when i said i’d take posting my projects one at a time? ha. i’m not sure the first time i read a hanahaki fic, but i’m sort of obsessed with them. with the idea of a love rooted so deep it makes a you sick. the thin line between love that grows and love that rots. a love so consuming it kills. i'm a little bit nervous about this one, but i'd love to hear your thoughts always. thank you for taking the time to read my creations. xo, chiara

tw: discussions of death, slight depictions of blood and gore. angst.

the first flower comes while paige is in the shower. she’s tired in the way where it hurts to even stand. bones heavy, eyes heavy, everything is just heavy.

practice sucked. she missed shots she shouldn’t have. couldn’t find anyone on the court. felt like everything she did was just a second too late. and then azzi said she couldn’t come to their usual post practice decompression time because she had to meet up with some people from her history class to finish a group project they’ve got due tomorrow. so paige is going to have to lay in her room with her thoughts by herself, cold from more than just the air conditioning she leaves a degree too low.

she’s just finishing washing the last remnants of shampoo out of her hair (the lavender one she’s used religiously since she was fifteen when azzi offhandedly told her her hair smelled nice. paige doesn’t like to think about how much her life is just a series of decisions paige makes in pursuit of azzi’s happiness). when suddenly a cough so deep comes, it hurts her abdomen. her abs contract tightly and in a blink a single white rose petal is on the shower floor. small, almost translucent from hitting the water pooling at paige’s feet. paige’s brain blacks out. did that just come from inside me?

in a haze paige gets out of the shower. wraps a towel loosely around herself and walks over to her bed, hair leaving a trail of water droplets in her wake. her head is pounding as she hits her pillow face first. her chest constricts in a fear she’s never felt before. she knows.

hanahaki.

it’s a disease that lives at the periphery of the world. never spoken about by those other than the poets.

she remembers when she was younger, around ten, attending her uncle’s funeral. she had never seen death up close before. he was in his forties. she remembers looking at the casket and thinking he looked just as he always had. when he played horse with her in the drive way, when he dropped a freshly grilled hot dog on her plate during barbeques under the minnesota sun, when he sat and yelled at the refs with her while the lynx played on her tv. he didn’t look dead. it didn’t make sense to her. when she learned he had died from hanahaki she told her father she didn’t get it. her father gently told her sometimes, people love someone so deeply, it hurts. and people can only hurt for so long. their body finally tells them to stop, to rest. that it’s okay, because now her uncle isn’t hurting anymore.

paige remembers thinking she still didn’t get it. how could loving someone kill you? she thought about how much she loved her family. her siblings, her parents. she thinks she would probably die for them but not because of them.

now, just over ten years later, paige gets it. because seven years ago, when she was fifteen, she met a girl that shifted her entire world.

paige thinks about how when she first saw azzi make almost every basket at team usa tryouts, she told herself she was in love with this random girl from maryland’s shot. it was just so pretty. paige would soon realize everything about azzi was pretty.

paige’s love for azzi blossomed through the years. with every facetime, every visit. across nights laid on the couch in front the latest disney movie, too early morning workouts, and dinners where they slotted into each other’s families with ease. it rooted deep inside paige as she watched azzi grow. baby fat falling from her face with age, emerging cheekbones, a sharp jawline, and full lips. god, paige doesn’t even want to think about how many times she’s lost herself in azzi’s mouth. sometimes paige imagines it so vividly she swears she can feel the warmth of azzi’s breath on her tongue. she knows if given the chance she’d be so gentle. she’d mold herself to azzi. wait for azzi to tell her when to go further. then she’d take. because paige is so hungry. she’s feels like she’s been starved of azzi since the moment they met. she’d let her tongue swipe the inside of azzi’s teeth first. feel each ridge slowly, before following the roof her mouth. there’s nowhere paige wouldn’t go, no where she wouldn’t leave herself in azzi. she’d suck the salvia off of azzi’s perfect pink lip, because there is no part of azzi that doesn’t belong in paige.

god i’m sick paige thinks. not literally because of the hanahaki but because she always comes back here. to this place. dreaming of tasting azzi, touching her. azzi didn’t ask for this. didn’t mean to unlock this monster in paige. one that just seeks to consume.

azzi can never know about this. is what paige thinks after coming back to herself, laying in bed naked, not fully admitting to herself that she’s dying. she knows how this goes. her unrequited love for azzi has manifested into these roses. they’ll continue to grow in paige. come out more and more. until finally, thorns and all they’ll choke her to her final breath. there’s only one “cure,” azzi loving her in return. but azzi can never know. paige won’t saddle her with this. the weight of paige’s love is something azzi doesn’t need to carry. if azzi didn’t fall in love with her in the last seven years she won’t now. and god if she finds out, azzi, perfect beautiful azzi will try. because she won’t let paige die. she’ll think it’s her fault. and how could she ever think that? paige knows in her core loving azzi is the greatest thing she’ll ever do. so no, azzi can’t know. paige thinks it’s a little concerning how fast she’s gone from total fear to quiet acceptance of her fate. she guess she’s always said azzi would kill her.

—

paige didn’t always think her love would be unrequited. when they were younger, paige in her first year at uconn and azzi just about to graduate high school, paige knew what her feelings were. knew the name of the feeling she got when azzi called, texted, smiled. knew what it meant when paige realized azzi was the only one she wanted to go to when things got hard. that azzi was the only person that could make the buzzing in her brain shut off. the realization wasn’t scary. in fact, it settled something inside paige. loving azzi felt like it was written in her dna.

azzi is finally visting paige at uconn. paige is shamlessly pushing her azzi to uconn agenda. she’s taken her all around. got shots up with her in the gym. forced all her friends to eat lunch with her. now they’re at stumbling into paige’s dorm of after a night of bad dancing and probably one too many dirty shirelys at teds. azzi eyes are wide and tinge with how tipsy she is. she’s been so affectionate all night. always staying right next to paige. holding her hand, her waist. when they were dancing azzi’s arms never unwrapped from paige’s neck. she let paige pull her close and she swayed their hips together as they sang off key in each other’s ears.

azzi falls into paige’s bed and paige lets out a tsk. “c’mon princess you’re going to be so grumpy if you fall asleep with your makeup on.” and azzi groans. “i can’t. my legs don’t work anymore. you’re going to have to carry me.” and well, what a burden paige will just have to bear. paige lifts her bridal style and sits her on the counter next to the sink. azzi automatically opens her legs to let paige stand between them. with one hand gently on azzi’s thigh, the other swiping a cotton pad soaked in makeup remover off azzi’s eye paige asks one last time, “so you’re picking uconn right?” paige knows what she’s really asking, you’re picking me right? and azzi giggles. leans in closer and whispers “there was never any other choice.” and paige’s heart sings.

azzi is going to be here. with her. everyday. they’re going to get to do this everyday. paige sends a quick thank you to god in her head. because she never believed she could be this lucky. paige looks at azzi. azzi is all bright eyes and wide smile at finally telling her the secret and paige is about to finally tell her. tell azzi that she loves her. that she’s in love with her. she’s going to tell azzi that if given the chance, she knows she’ll love azzi like she deserves.

but then azzi speaks first.

“can you just promise me something first?” paige lets out an automatic yes, knows whatever azzi is asking for paige will do.

“can we always stay like this? best friends? i never want anything to come between us. there’s so many stories of friends going to the same college and drama tearing them a part. i just don’t want that to happen to us. i never want our friendship to end.” and paige heart shatters.

azzi’s tiredness is clearly setting in and before paige can answer, she’s nuzzling into paige’s neck. paige holds her there and begs the tears already building in her waterline to leave. she lets out a choked “of course azzi. nothing will ruin this. we’ll always be best friends.”

nothing will ruin this.

not even paige’s love.

—

the days continue to be uneventful (besides each week paige coughs up more petals, one turning into two into three. paige knows in a few months it’ll be a full flower. and then brown leaves already rotted with death. then finally the thorns. that’s when she’ll know it’s her time). paige goes to class, practice, team hangouts. she tells no one. but each day she grows a little worse. her body focused on growing roses rather than keeping her alive. each step she takes is just slightly more effort.

they’re in a ice cream shop now. azzi dragged a few members of the team (paige went willing, always following azzi wherever she takes her) after a particularly difficult practice. they’re sitting in a sticky vinyl booth. nika, caroline, and kk across from azzi and paige. azzi offers her a bite of her ice cream off her spoon. she’s not even looking at paige. she’s talking to caroline about something paige isn’t listening to, too focused on how azzi holds the spoon out to paige without thinking. paige thinks about how their love has always been like this. quiet, moving through and between them without thought. the ice cream both cools and burns as it goes down. paige wonders to herself if its the mint or the knowledge these fleeting moments are the only way she’ll ever get to taste azzi.

—

it’s movie night. the team is in paige’s dorm. there’s the sound of popcorn popping in the background and paige can smell the beginnings of it burning before she hears someone rip the door of the microwave open. she’s on the couch, silently exhausted after playing fortnite with kk before this. she can see kk can sense something is off but isn’t saying anything. paige hadn’t played with her usual fire. she’s just so tired. she coughed up two petals three times today. it felt like she’d done abs for three hours. she’s not only physically tired, but mentally exhausted by the constant reminder that she won’t make it to the end of the year. azzi takes her usual seat next to her. wraps a blanket around them both and tangles their legs together. she starts telling paige about some funny tik tok trend she saw and thinks they should film soon. paige is only half listening. she’s all too aware she’s living on borrowed time. that there are only so many more moments where she’ll get to feel the warmth of azzi’s skin on hers. so instead of listening she focuses on memorizing the feeling of azzi. the way they fit together.

paige thinks its a bit ironic, how this all works. a love unwatered growing flowers inside. until the garden overtakes and you’re left to die under its weight.

—

i don’t know what i did in my past life, but i think i’m still paying for it.

paige thinks this in her rare moments of anger. not at azzi, never at azzi. but at life. at god. here is azzi, warm and perfect and curled into her chest. she spends all her time with paige. there’s never anyone else. and yet they’ll always just be this. best friends. azzi doesn’t love paige back. and god if that isn’t the worst damnation paige could be sent. paige feels her salt laced tears pooling in her ears as she tips her head back to prevent azzi from feeling them. in her last dregs of hope she prays to god, please tell me what to do to make her love me back.

—

no answer comes.

paige’s days continue in a quiet hum. she passes off poor shooting nights as a slump. it’s fine, she just stressed, they’re supposed to win the natty this year after being saddled with endless injuries. she’s under a lot of pressure. azzi tries to comfort her. sits with her in her room, lets paige lay her head in her lap and runs her hands through blonde locks. tells her paige was built for these moments, and that she doesn’t have to do it alone. azzi is going to make sure paige leaves a champion. normally these sentiments would make paige smile. she’d be filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for a friend like azzi. she’d turn her head and blow a raspberry into azzi’s soft stomach and say “no i’m going to make sure you’re a champion azzi fudd.” but instead it burns inside paige. because this is all they’ll ever be. friends. and because paige is sick with greed, can’t be content with whatever love azzi is willing to give her, she’s dying. so paige stays still, and lets azzi’s voice and hands lull her into a fitful sleep.

—

paige’s purple comforter is stained in blotches of red and white. the petals splayed around her as she leans on her wrists and heaves. the thorns, tangled with leaves, rip the delicate skin of her throat as they emerge. and paige realizes this is it.

in her last stretches of strength paige makes her way to the court. it feels right that it’s the place she goes to die. she pulls a rack of balls and starts shooting. she thinks about how much of her life she’s spent on a basketball court. how here she learned almost everything about herself. beyond shooting form and off-ball movement, the court taught paige patience, discipline, leadership. and most importantly, it taught her how to love azzi. gave them a venue for paige’s love to grow. paige first fell in love with azzi right here, inside this arc. since then she’s fallen deeper everyday. as she stands on the free throw line, throwing the final shot, her breaths become shorter and the final bouquet tumbles out of her throat.

she falls to the ground before she can even see the ball go through the basket.

swish.

—

i guess i did make it to heaven paige thinks, because azzi is here. she’s all around paige. paige can sense azzi’s thighs bracketed around her as she lays on top of her. paige can feel her weight so clearly, smell her perfume all around her. azzi is holding her face and paige smiles. because yes, this is how she wants to spend eternity. under azzi, cradled in her hands.

but suddenly it’s so loud, paige didn’t think heaven would make her ears ring. then her body comes into focus. she feels tears on her face and they’re not hers. azzi’s voice cries out paige! paige! please no! paige! i can’t lose you, please i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you. paige please come back to me, you have to come back to me.

and finally, the moment paige has dreamt of her whole life happens. azzi’s mouth is on hers and oh my god paige’s imagination could’ve never dreamed of this. in a surge of strength she hasn’t felt in months paige’s arms come up to wrap around azzi. holds her so tight in the back of her mind she fears she’s maybe hurting her. but azzi doesn’t seem to care as she deepens her kiss. all paige can taste is azzi azzi azzi.

then azzi is pulling away and a whine leaves paige’s mouth before she can think. no come back, let’s stay like this forever. paige’s arms, still tight around azzi, don’t let her move more than a few inches away from paige’s face. and paige gently opens her eyes to azzi’s stupidly perfect face. azzi’s eyes are red rimmed, swollen from crying. the fluorescent gym lights make a halo around her and paige thinks maybe she really is in heaven. but then azzi’s mouth is moving, and shit, she’s yelling at her.

“you are the most dramatic idiot on the face of this earth paige bueckers. i am going to kill you.”

paige, hands now running up and down azzi’s back, croaks out through a bloody smile, “actually, i think you just brought me back to life.”

#all of you go read this #pazzi fics

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