anonemuss24

[anonemuss24]

Whatever You Do, Don’t Get My Hopes Up

Don’t even bother if all you are going to do is play pretend. Don’t do anything, if all you are going to do is play an actor in my blockbuster movie. Just don’t. Because if you do, my heart just might break all over again.And I don’t know if I can survive that.Whatever you do, just don’t get my hopes up.

If you like me, tell me the truth and tell me why. Tell me why you like my laugh. Why you like my smile. Why you like the way I talk too much. The way I nervously bite my nails and stutter over anxious words. Tell me all the reasons why.

And mean it.

If you love me, tell me the truth and tell me why. And don’t just tell me. Show me. Show me why you love me. Show me in the way you speak to me. In the way you listen to me. And in the way you adore me. Show me you love me and don’t you dare pretend.

Show me. And mean it.

Whatever you do, don’t pretend.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, if you are going to leave. Don’t pretend you want forever with me, if you are going to end up closing the door on me. Don’t pretend you like me, adore me, love me – if all you are going to do is shatter my heart.

Don’t be with me just to be with me. Be with me because you can’t imagine a world without me. Be with me because you don’t remember smiling as hard as you do, when you’re with me. Be with me because you picture a future. Because you want me for me.

Don’t get all of my hopes up. Because once they are up, they won’t stop lifting. So, please, tell me the truth. Don’t sugarcoat anything. Don’t make me believe things that are lies. Don’t make me hope. Hope for a forever, if it’s not what you want.

I don’t care if you hurt me, as long as you are being honest. I don’t care if you tell me it isn’t going to work out, as long as it’s the truth.

Just don’t get my hopes up before I fall. Don’t gloss over the real picture. Don’t paint over the ugly collage. Don’t pretend to be my lover, when you don’t care about me.

Don’t meet my family. Don’t meet my relatives. Don’t hold my hand in public and kiss me on the tip of my nose. Don’t give me bear hugs. Don’t call me yours. If you don’t really want me.

Please.

Don’t even bother if all you are going to do is play pretend. Don’t do anything, if all you are going to do is play an actor in my blockbuster movie. Just don’t. Because if you do, my heart just might break all over again.

And I don’t know if I can survive that.

- Lauren Jarvis-Gibson 3/16/17 on Thought Catalog

[anonemuss24]

You Don’t Deserve Someone Who Comes Back, You Deserve Someone Who Never Leaves

I used to wonder about people coming back after they’ve decided to leave. I used to wait for the day they come back and realize that they messed up or realize that life is miserable without me. But then I realized that better than all this mess is someone who never leaves.

Someone who never leaves when you hit bumps in the road, someone who never leaves when the rain starts falling down on you, someone who never leaves no matter how many other people are trying to get their attention, someone who chooses to stay every single day.

You deserve someone who never leaves when you tell them about the things you did that you’re ashamed of and the things that happened to you that you promised not to tell anyone. When you tell them about the things you really don’t like about yourself and the things you hated about your past. You deserve someone who never leaves no matter how dark it gets.

You deserve someone who never leaves when you tell them how much you love them, how much you really want to make them happy and how they make you feel something no else made you feel before. How they are special to you and how you really just want to spend your days looking at them and spend your nights sleeping in their arms.

You deserve someone who stays no matter how passionately you display your love and how fearlessly you show your emotions. You deserve someone who is not afraid of the way you love them. You deserve someone who never leaves even if they found a better job or made more money or bought a fancier car. Someone who never leaves when they’re at their best, when they can get anyone they want but still choose you, when they don’t even care about exploring all these other ‘options’ to realize your worth because they know what they have and they know that you are one of a kind. You deserve someone who makes you believe that some people can stay.

You deserve someone who never leaves when things are not that exciting, when life becomes overwhelming for you to handle, when you are tired all the time, when you’re lost and confused and don’t know what to do next, when you keep doubting yourself and your capabilities. You deserve someone who reminds you of how you survived, someone who reminds you of your strength, someone who reminds you of your greatness and someone who reminds you that even though you can make it on your own, they want to be there, they don’t want you to be alone this time and they want to fight your battles with you.

Even though we all have that one person we wish could come back, what we really should wish for is someone who never leaves. Someone who left before could leave again but someone who could’ve left but decided to stay is exactly the kind of person you need to be with – is exactly the kind of person you deserve to be with.

[anonemuss24]

This Is What I Say To Myself When I Feel Helpless

My pain is so tangible; I can reach out and touch it. It’s everywhere; consuming me. I don’t even realise how long it’s been eating away at my insides until I finally cave in and crumble helplessly, crashing, spiralling down, hopeless and helpless.

The terrible tightening in my chest, the constriction of my lungs, the deep shuddering breaths as I try to hold back the inevitable - but I break.

I always break.

The painful wracking sobs, screaming silently, my damaged self- seeping out through the cracks that I flimsily repair each time I fall apart, countlessly over and over again.

Although; this time those cracks have split wide open; leaving gaping holes in my own body.

I wail for a long time, weeping pitifully as I cry myself a pool of self- sympathy, until I’m empty, benumbed and finally turned completely inside out.

The actual, physical ache that I feel in my chest and in my bones when I’m so sad is fucking awful, and it will never go away, despite how much I push my emotions aside and believe that I’ll be a  stronger person in the long run.

I think about the hurt people go through when relationships or friendships break down and fall apart. How we’re expected to just get on with things and be okay when we’re barely capable of a thought or memory that doesn’t involve the other person. When you really care about someone, genuinely and deeply, it doesn’t just vanish, no matter how terrible the ending is.

I really think that the whole reason things can become so terrible and so messed up is because we care so much. We don’t know how to deal with losing something, or a part of ourselves that once made us happy. We don’t want to. I can’t speak for anyone else but I know that I have definitely wished that I could simply erase whole portions of my life or people from my memory at several points throughout the years, even recently.

But I’m so glad that I can’t.

Once I finally reach the point that I’m no longer sad or angry, I love looking back on the happy times, and that ultimately I am stronger and my resilience, and pro longed self-reliance is what has kept me functioning for so long.

I love being able to pinpoint my mistakes and learn from them. I love being able to remember the parts of that person that were good for me and the parts that were bad for me so I can throw up red flags the next time.

In the end I feel like the happy, pleasant memories far outweigh the brutality of the others.

I don’t even remember the fights or the nastiness from neither friendships; nor my dysfunctional constant family problems and abuse from them; mentally and physically.

All of my relationships with certain individuals broken years ago; however every now and then I’ll get a random memory of something wonderful that happened with those people. I’m still processing many disgusting things that have happened to me, and though I’m still a little messed up, I’m in a much better place and I will always remember how a human being can be, and how wrong you can be about them; how people can so easily mislead you, especially manipulate you when you’re at your most vulnerable.

I’ve learnt from many situations in my lifetime of 19 years, and initially most importantly how good everything felt before it all turned upside down.

I no longer want to “erase” anything, I want to be happy and I want them to be happy, despite how much I wish every single one of them was dead for raping me. I wish that they were all dead.

For every situation; for every rape that had occurred, more than once from each individual person. I know what you’re thinking, how could I possibly be so stupid for allowing something like that to happen? And to be brutally honest, I don’t know why, although I do tell myself it’s my fault for each one of them that touched me and did such unbearable things that I can’t even begin to comprehend, to the point where I resent myself day in and day out.

There are some things I will never talk about unless I am asked. The pain, or perhaps the memory itself, is too fragile and will never be strong enough to be vocalized. You may see my suffering, but you will not hear of it beyond what I’m willing to show.

I’m so fucking sick of saying I’m sorry when I’m the one collapsed on the ground.

I’m lonely.

What kind of loneliness?

Every kind, I feel disconnected; abandoned, as always.

So what now? So what?

At first, I just wanted to run away. Now I have nowhere else to run to, nothing to run from. I don’t belong anywhere, I don’t want to go anywhere, and I just want to be happy and to never have to feel this pain again, to not hate myself in every way, shape or form. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel violated of my own body, of what every single one of them did to me.

You know what the worst part is? I trusted them all, him the most.

And yes, the statistic, it’s true. Most rapes do happen from people you know, or trust the most. You can never predict when it is a gang rape at a party you believe you’re protected at, or when it’s supposed to be your close friend who is meant to be ensuring you are safe from other sick bastards, however evidently he just was exactly like the rest. Some sneak up on you, creeping in slowly, willingly making you their target for whatever their sick mind desires. Others, you already know, so well that you’d never expect for them to ever do that to you.

I’m becoming more silent these days. I’m speaking less and less in public. But my eyes, god damn, my eyes see everything and frankly, I’m the one who ruined me; I did it all to myself. I put myself in these scenarios, for being stupid and naïve.

Although, what I’ve learnt is that I must stop blaming myself for other people’s shitty doings to you. They fucked up. Not you. Human beings can be terrible; they can ruin your life and commit actions against you that you thought you’d never even be in.

But just breathe. I’m going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable, anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.

That’s what matters. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Perhaps not immediately, but sometime soon; they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.

I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again.

This will pass. I promise it will pass.

Submitted By L.O.

[anonemuss24]

years have passed, it's still you. i moved on but i just can't let you go. i know it's already impossible to win you back, i tried to be with someone else but you still have me, the whole me. i can't move. there's something that's holding me back from letting go of all the things and memories we've shared. you are at ease now and i'm still in chaos and it's still okay as long as you're happy, that's how i love you. i hope that one day, you will look back and understand why i did that, i love you but still, love isn't enough to make it work. we have to grow but it's painful to know that we have to grow apart. i wanted you and will always want you. god knows everything, every single thing i did just to keep what we had and up to now i'm still blaming myself for the pain i once felt. i know that you know how much i love you and if there is one thing i could tell you right now, i will love you all over again, not just for the rest of my life but for the rest of yours. 💙

comment by Carmela Boyd, Open Letters That Matter - Facebook

[anonemuss24]

To me you were home, to you I was just a vacation.

Sade Andria Zabala, Coffee and Cigarettes (via thelovejournals)

[anonemuss24]

To Anyone Who’s Ever Asked Me Why I Chose Him

Read: November 7, 2016

To anyone who has ever asked me or will ever ask me why I chose him…

I chose him not because he’s muscular, but because he’s strong, strong willed, strong at heart, strong in his effort and love for me.

I chose him because he makes me laugh, even when I don’t think I can, even when I don’t want to, even when I feel like I don’t know how to, even when I have lost my motivation to.

I chose him because he always brings me back to Earth when I seem to have drifted elsewhere. I chose him because he is humble in his accomplishments.

I chose him because he loves to share his love for music, the cowboy way, animals, family, friends, and me. I chose him because he’s not at all what I dreamt of. He’s so much more than that.

He’s not perfect, none of us are, but he’s perfect for me because he reminds me every day how much I mean to him, how beautiful he thinks I am, how much he loves me.

I chose him because we can be our true selves around each other and that is exactly who we love. I chose him because most of the time we goof around with each other, life is entirely too short to be serious all the time, but we know when it’s time to be serious.

I love him because in his arms is where I find peace, because his smile is absolutely unforgettable, his laughter is most beautiful thing I’ve heard, his eyes are filled with the most genuine kindness, his kisses literally erase all my anxiety and worry.

I chose him because I wouldn’t want to experience life changing things without him or with anyone else. I chose him, because, I did.

Submitted By Kristy Davenport 777��ǵBL��

[anonemuss24]

It’s Okay to Lose Your Way

Lately, I’ve been questioning the decisions I made that give my life direction. I look at myself, one year post-undergrad, and I’m nowhere near my dream career. In some ways I feel like I’ve failed. In other ways I feel lost. I’ve thought about completely exiting my current field. I’ve thought about continuing my education. I’ve even thought about taking a break completely. But would making those changes make me happy? I didn’t have a concrete answer for that.

But then I asked myself, why am I so worried about it right now? Is it because I feel like a child in an adult world? Or is it because I see the people around me excelling and I’m stagnant? Do I really feel that inferior?

Taking a step back from all of these hard questions, I realized these thoughts probably aren’t so unusual; most of us in our twenties are muddling through the same issues and concerns. Did I pick the right major? Am I going to be happy in this field for 40 more years? Am I going to make enough money? Will I come home feeling like I put in my best effort to change someone’s life, or will I feel like I just pass paperwork all day?

Haven’t we all had a moment when we asked ourselves at least one of these questions? We most definitely have. But I’ve discovered that it’s normal to feel lost sometimes. If we were content all the time, life would be too easy. The challenges are what make this thing fun, right? I think we were meant to question our decisions to ensure that yes we did pick the right choice, or maybe the wrong one. In time, you will be able to answer all the questions that may seem so difficult now, but there’s no use losing sleep over it today.

In twenty years you may decide you don’t feel fulfilled in your current career. When that moment comes, I think that’s when you can accurately make a decision to go a different way. There is no use worrying about it now because in reality, you don’t know until you’re there. If you’re feeling lost, don’t worry. I promise you will find your way. Whether it’s in a week, twelve months, or five years, you will figure it out. Do what makes you happy because it the best you can do for you at this very moment. You will find your way again. http://ift.tt/2brQrGn

-from Open Letters That Matter

[anonemuss24]

To the girl who feels like giving up…..I see you!

I know you think no one notices….but I do.

I see that there was once a spark in those hazel eyes of yours. They have seen so much pain. I can tell that so many stories hide behind those tired eyes.

I see that you are exhausted, and not in the I want to lay down and go to sleep kind of tired. The exhaustion of many hidden tears, and days full of anxiety and heart ache.

You're tired from fighting to get through it all. You have fought so damn hard and I am so proud of you!

You have made it this far....You might not see the strong woman I see, but I promise you she is there within you.

You hold a lot back.You keep your mouth shut just to avoid conflict, but its okay to stand up for yourself once in a while.

Its okay to show emotion. It makes you human. You are allowed to feel as deeply as you want and express yourself as much as you want.

You try so hard to come off as a hard shell, but I see so much light with in you. It radiates from you even though you might try to dim it to protect yourself, I can still see it.

I know it is really hard right now to see the light at the end of this seemingly long tunnel….please believe me when I tell you it is there.

Nothing lasts forever, which means this difficult phase of life you are going through, it'll end one day.

I truly hope that for you it'll be soon because I know you have already endured so much.

You deserve to be happy. To be ecstatic. To feel on top of the world, To skip and jump and dance with joy. to feel it so deeply.

I know its time for something amazing to happen for you and I know with all my heart its coming.

Please just do me a favor….hang in there.

I know you feel drained from life and you feel lost and stuck. You don't even know what you are doing anymore. I know you feel that way. I can see it.

Maybe its just that I read you well….but I know...god I know how you are feeling and I hate seeing you like this.

I know the optimistic, happy woman you are is still inside you, shes just been weighted down over the years from all that weight shes been carrying.

I promise that weight will be lifted and everything will fall into place.

I promise you one day you will be able to look back and think wow I made it through all that.

Then you will see the strong woman I am seeing now. Hold on please….a while longer.

By April Lee

[anonemuss24]

It was a captivating love story, cut short. There was so much passion and so much excitement. You finally felt free. You felt loved and they made you feel important. They gave you feelings you've never felt before. There was an attraction and this connection that couldn't have been something ordinary. You found someone who makes you feel wanted, needed, and appreciated. It's breathtaking. You feel like this is the way things should be. This is something that doesn't happen twice... Then slowly things start to change. They don't call as much as they use to. They don't reach for your hand as much anymore. You feel like their lips are full of secrets. They are gradually drifting away, without any warning. You constantly feel like you've done something wrong. Then you feel like you aren't good enough anymore. And it hurts like hell because you're not ready to let go. Whatever it was, whether it was you or them, you want to get things back to the way they use to be. So you hold on. You hold on so tightly because this was it. This is what love is like, right? This is something you question if you'll ever be able to relive again. You hold on so tightly because holding on makes you feel something, even if it's misery. I want you to know, that love isn't like this. Love never stops making you feel valuable. Love never makes you feel uncertainty or question if you are still loved. Love makes the hard times worth going through. Love is never giving up on someone. Love is never making someone feel unworthy, useless, or unlovable. Love is holding on, but its holding on together. Not at the last strands of the relationship. I want you to feel these things. I hope you believe that you will find something better than anything you're still holding on to. When the memories start to exceed the reality, it's time to let go. When you start to question your worth by someone's lack of effort, it's time to let go. When you feel like you're being broken down constantly by their expectations of you, it's time to let go. When you feel like you're continually being used time after time, it's time to let go. When you feel like you are not just being ignored but unappreciated, it's time to let go. When there are more lies than the truth, it's time to let go. When they turn things back on you rather than admit their mistakes, it's time to let go. When you are again after again not placed as a priority, it's time to let go. When you're laying in a bed next to this person and you start to question why you're still here, it's time to let go. It's hard when you can't place anyone above them, but they can easily put other people and other things before you. This is a difficult decision, but it is one only you can make. I am a firm believer in fighting for what you love, but love never makes you feel less than who you are.

Alexis Tiffany, Open Letters That Matter

[anonemuss24]

repost

[anonemuss24]

How strange it is, that after all that we are strangers again.

Lang Leav

[anonemuss24]

You must never feel badly about making mistakes...as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.

Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth

[anonemuss24]

asshole.

[anonemuss24]

B

I’m just not enough

I have loved you for 13 years .. Through relationships and break ups and love I believed was real. I loved you

It feels like I’ve been waiting all my life for you to open up and tell me you love me I want to hear you say that it’s always been me That I make you feel a way you’ve never felt before and that I’m the only one for you

We share so many memories We talk almost everyday Yet we can’t be together, because your getting married soon You’re doing it for the wrong reasons Don’t you realise marriage is so final? We are finished, over. How can I watch you spend your life with someone else when your meant to spend it with me?

My heart is breaking I don’t know how to tell you because my pride won’t let me Sometimes I think I know you so well Then I realise I don’t know you at all My head is filled with so many things I need to say But when I get the chance I can’t say them

[anonemuss24]

it just wouldn't work out

it took me a real long time to look at you and figure out why i can’t simply love you back like i used to

i do love you and at one point in time, i was absolutely, head over heels in love with you

but now i look at you and see the hands that used to wring in exasperation and the eyes that used to roll i see the arms that pinned me down, along with the negativity that kept me down

i look at you and you’re not the boy i loved. we were an incredible story, one that i’m guaranteed to reminisce over, occasionally, for the rest of my days. i’ll never walk down the city streets at night the same way. i’ll never view the harbor through the eyes i used to. and maybe, that’s okay.

thanks for being the love of my life thus far someday i’ll come to full terms with you being but a chapter, not the whole book

[anonemuss24]

I’d like a guy who can make me laugh even if all I wanna do is cry.

[anonemuss24]

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

Ralph Waldo Emerson