aniela93

[aniela93]

Strange enough I think I want another body, I've projected and blamed all the critics I've ever received on my body...so I felt like I should kills what's bad and corroded in my.. But that's my body..

Let pretend I get out of this body (die) and go back up.. And I forget all about this body And they send me down again.. With the mission to heal a body... And they give me the same body.. But not knowing his past. And all his negative links and past trauma.. I will be loving and gentle with him.. And eventually I will Heal it

I'll try this approach and may be ill start loving and caring for my body more.

[aniela93]

im struggling with eating disorder for 15 years now, how do i forgive myself ? how do i heal myself? im so tierd i,ve tried everything? but i've realised that only food has offered me love acceptance and pleasure in this live. how can i break up with someone that loves me unconditional. . . cuz that's how my relationship with food is

[aniela93]

if i want to die, yes, i do buy why? i m not enough ill say but for who,? for them , my parents..

why? why would they bring me in this world and only love me when it's convenient for them conditional love just makes people want to die.. why to exist if you know your existanace is useless?

so this is how the story goes , if i want to die it's just because i don't want to hurt them with not being who they wish me to be . stupid, i know , but i try to convince myself everyday that life it is worthy of leaving . . but it truly is not if you do not feel loved how do i give myself the love i have never received . . . ? how do i feel worthy of love, and life and happiness when i've learned that my existence makes the word the darker place and brings pain the people i love?

[aniela93]

Nu știu cum sa ies din închisoarea asta construita de lipsa de bani.

Fiecare zi e un sacrificiu al inimii mele

As sta sa nu fac nimic

Decât sa ma uit cum cresc roșii lalele

Ma doare și simt ca ma strânge de gat la fiecare strigare

Vreau sa ies de aici, sa nu mai sacrific nici o placere.

[aniela93]

The cage is what I feel next to me

And emptiness filling us both

I can't remember where's the key

If it was eaten by fear or sloth?

Are this bars keeping me safe

Or is it me they are scared of?

Drowning in pain fighting the legions

The night, older then me

Covers my eyes looking for weapons

Deep as my wounds my tough travels in worries

How to escape the fruit of my deed

Was haunting me startled with freeze

[aniela93]

I hate this pain

I hate the fact that I hate myself

I can't remember where all this hate started... Who I should be hating fish.. Me or the one that made me hate myself.

Why tf should I be perfect to be loved

Nothing in this world is perfect.. Everything is different and unique.. Why should I be perfect..

Just cuz your live can't stretch?

Fuc* you and fuc* you're love. I don't need any of your conditional love.

Fu*k everyone that wants me to be perfect

Or wants me to sacrifice myself for them..

Why should I save them when their are the one that killed my soul...?

I'm sick of it.

I just want to be free...

[aniela93]

Aahh

So this is what hell is...

Being trapped in hopelessness and fear..

It so damn hurts

Such a toxic poison to transmute.

Such a violent war.

...

Fear of death..

While wishing to die..

...

I know

I am not allowed to die

My God will not let me return with empty hands

I have to live until I fulfill his will.. Until I do my job here..

But first I have to win this battle...

This fear and this loneliness..

I can see now that many are fighting..

I can see now.. That I am not alone.. So many of us think that are alone.. But we are all fighting the same devil.. Just different levels

This is one of his sharpest weapon, giving us the illusion that we are alone, separated from each other, from source.. This is his best move on us...

My brothers and sisters...

I am sorry... You have to go through this

I pray that your night will come to an end sooner than you think, and light will fill the broken spaces in your hearts...

Please Lord, send light to my brothers and sisters, fill their hearts with your love and your light.

Meet me too in my heart Lord.

We need you. We need your eyes to replace our blinded ones... Blinded by fear..

Please replace our blind eyes with eyes that can see you in every single thing and every single person that we meet... We need to see more beauty in this world.. We Need new eyes. We need your eyes.

Please Lord let us see the world through your eyes

[aniela93]

Confession

I hate myself and I want to die.

Controversy

I don't know why I should keep hating myself...

I don't know who I am loyal to, in betraying myself.

Probably my parents.

But why should I trust them more than myself...

I want to die

Because I hate myself

But why am I to blame for their failure...?

Why is it all my fault?

Why?

Just cuz I'm alive?

It should not make any difference.. If I'm am or not alive

That's why I want to die.. To prove it. That is not my fault... And I should not be punished for things I am not responsible of.

[aniela93]

Why are to7 running away from your pain? Where this pain comes from? Try to remember

What is it that you feel?

-I hate everything, I'd rather die then having to live life in pain.

What do you hate?

-The fact that I have to wake up like this evening Morning, like my dad used to wake me up. To work for him...

-I hate the fact that I don't think about myself and my own wellbeing... I could have had my own house by now. And live happily... I could have had my own family by now.. But I fucking stayed loyal to him. I hate this. I hate him

What else?

-I hate that I have to work something I don't like and it's meaningless for me.

Hate hate hate is painful

So I eat to feel a little bit better and to forget about what I hate..

But I know I should remember... So I can change it.

[aniela93]

Do you know why you can't sleep ? Do you remember , your first living years of your life when you had to sleep with monsters in the same house.

could you sleep back then? did you slept well and woken up rested?

no, i know you didn't.

you changed house after house since then ,but monsters have followed you like shadows

it was not the house. . .

protect your heart

[aniela93]

[aniela93]

[aniela93]

[aniela93]

[aniela93]

I hate you

I hate what you made of me... What you made me do?

What I ended up believing I am.. Not...

I am not worthy off.....

I fucking hate that

All that things you ignorant and proudly shit

made do...Thus hurt myself

.. Fuck off

I don't want to do anything for you... I don't want to hurt me anymore

[aniela93]

Nu vezi ca nu accepți sa primești... Dar in același timp tot ceri.... Sub diferite forme ajutorul...???

Când o sa accepți ca ești și vulnerabil/ă??

Când nu o sa mai poți?