aniela93

[aniela93]

I hate this pain

I hate the fact that I hate myself

I can't remember where all this hate started... Who I should be hating fish.. Me or the one that made me hate myself.

Why tf should I be perfect to be loved

Nothing in this world is perfect.. Everything is different and unique.. Why should I be perfect..

Just cuz your live can't stretch?

Fuc* you and fuc* you're love. I don't need any of your conditional love.

Fu*k everyone that wants me to be perfect

Or wants me to sacrifice myself for them..

Why should I save them when their are the one that killed my soul...?

I'm sick of it.

I just want to be free...

[aniela93]

Aahh

So this is what hell is...

Being trapped in hopelessness and fear..

It so damn hurts

Such a toxic poison to transmute.

Such a violent war.

...

Fear of death..

While wishing to die..

...

I know

I am not allowed to die

My God will not let me return with empty hands

I have to live until I fulfill his will.. Until I do my job here..

But first I have to win this battle...

This fear and this loneliness..

I can see now that many are fighting..

I can see now.. That I am not alone.. So many of us think that are alone.. But we are all fighting the same devil.. Just different levels

This is one of his sharpest weapon, giving us the illusion that we are alone, separated from each other, from source.. This is his best move on us...

My brothers and sisters...

I am sorry... You have to go through this

I pray that your night will come to an end sooner than you think, and light will fill the broken spaces in your hearts...

Please Lord, send light to my brothers and sisters, fill their hearts with your love and your light.

Meet me too in my heart Lord.

We need you. We need your eyes to replace our blinded ones... Blinded by fear..

Please replace our blind eyes with eyes that can see you in every single thing and every single person that we meet... We need to see more beauty in this world.. We Need new eyes. We need your eyes.

Please Lord let us see the world through your eyes

[aniela93]

Confession

I hate myself and I want to die.

Controversy

I don't know why I should keep hating myself...

I don't know who I am loyal to, in betraying myself.

Probably my parents.

But why should I trust them more than myself...

I want to die

Because I hate myself

But why am I to blame for their failure...?

Why is it all my fault?

Why?

Just cuz I'm alive?

It should not make any difference.. If I'm am or not alive

That's why I want to die.. To prove it. That is not my fault... And I should not be punished for things I am not responsible of.

[aniela93]

Why are to7 running away from your pain? Where this pain comes from? Try to remember

What is it that you feel?

-I hate everything, I'd rather die then having to live life in pain.

What do you hate?

-The fact that I have to wake up like this evening Morning, like my dad used to wake me up. To work for him...

-I hate the fact that I don't think about myself and my own wellbeing... I could have had my own house by now. And live happily... I could have had my own family by now.. But I fucking stayed loyal to him. I hate this. I hate him

What else?

-I hate that I have to work something I don't like and it's meaningless for me.

Hate hate hate is painful

So I eat to feel a little bit better and to forget about what I hate..

But I know I should remember... So I can change it.

[aniela93]

Do you know why you can't sleep ? Do you remember , your first living years of your life when you had to sleep with monsters in the same house.

could you sleep back then? did you slept well and woken up rested?

no, i know you didn't.

you changed house after house since then ,but monsters have followed you like shadows

it was not the house. . .

protect your heart

[aniela93]

[aniela93]

[aniela93]

[aniela93]

[aniela93]

I hate you

I hate what you made of me... What you made me do?

What I ended up believing I am.. Not...

I am not worthy off.....

I fucking hate that

All that things you ignorant and proudly shit

made do...Thus hurt myself

.. Fuck off

I don't want to do anything for you... I don't want to hurt me anymore

[aniela93]

Nu vezi ca nu accepți sa primești... Dar in același timp tot ceri.... Sub diferite forme ajutorul...???

Când o sa accepți ca ești și vulnerabil/ă??

Când nu o sa mai poți?

[aniela93]

Found this today:

"what is that one thing you always pray for? What is that one thing you ask God to give you?"

That's when it hit me.

I don't. I don't dare to disturb his almighty existence with my useless requests.

That's how much I feel like a doormat... That even if there would be someone powerful enough to help me. I would not ask for his help.. Cuss.. I was taught that my needs doesn't matters...

Caught in the cage of mental slavery...

Why would I hate me so much that I would ban God from helping me, or healing me...

Who do I think I am to command God to stay away from me, to not give his love to me?

Therefore I ask God now to be next to me for the rest of my life for every breath I take. May I inhale his love and exhale all the poison hidden in my heart.

[aniela93]

ii sunt datoare mortii cu mai multe vietii ca nu am fost in stare sa traiesc. . .nu mi-a fost îndeajuns lumina

Și am luat iubiri pe datorie in rătăcind în intuneric . . .

Cum m ar putea ierta negura nopti daca i-as fura eu luna?

Cum m-ar ierta pe mine luna daca i-as inghte soarele?

sunt flamanda si

mi-e sete de acel foc aprins al vietii

as manca pe săturate apă vie si as bea pamantul sacru

m-as umple cu toata lumina lumii

doar sa nu ma mai simt că-s goala inauntru

am gauri negre in stomacul inimii

Care imi inghit orice speranta

ma chinui sa le-nchid si dau la schimb viata

iau lumini pe datorie

Aștept moartea sa ma invie

[aniela93]

Stil alive?

have you ever felt like this world would be a better place without you ,

like death must be to only option to end all the pain of this world..

well , that wont work , you cant kill the pain , you cant take it with you in the grave..

even after you die , pain and suffering will still be alive wondering around other people like ghosts, living in their heats like mold lives in each and other house

dying for them to be saved (from your existence)

it's different from

dying to save yourself from them (their existence)

decide why you want to die, and you will be saved

[aniela93]

⋆⁺☾🩸⋆TO MY DAD,

I NEVER HAD ⋆ ☾🩸₊⋆

Tears running down my chicks hurt,

burn and carve scars deep into my heart.

i miss him,

i miss my dad i never had

i miss feeling safe and protected by his love, that pure and noble love fathers have for their daughters

i miss the games we never played,

laughs we never laughed

walks we never walked ,

stories we never told

i miss his hug, that warm embrace, i never got

his rooted roots

his speech of faith.. To me

his trust in me , in all my power,

my power to rise again and again every time i fall

That power that he took away from me.

I miss

I miss

his wish for me to be happy from the bottom of his heart

i miss a part of my soul i never had.

That part where his love fits.

It feels

like i have been broken forever,

from the beginning

i miss something i never had

there is an empty space in my heart,

wearing his name

a missing part

i can't live without

i love a dad i never had

[aniela93]

How can one be happy?

My dad was a violent and aggressive narcissist and my mom was always unhappy..

We learn how to be happy from our parents, from watching their way of doing things and how they are conducting their own being in this world.

We simply copy their emotional blueprint. A lot of our emotions actually doesn't belong to us.

In the attempt of saving our parents we take upon us whatever makes them ignore us and our needs. We take on us their sadness frustrations and pain, thinking it will make it easier for them to love us .

it won't, we will just become miserable like them , and carry on being a clone of their failure. And so we fail in becoming happy adults before we even start the journey.

How can one be happy if it never had a chance to taste happiness?!