angmatipunongmananayaw

[angmatipunongmananayaw]

Entourage

Apart from having a family, you know what makes life a little more interesting and less dull? Friends. I know all the first built friendships that we have all happened in school. Being in Don Bosco is extremely fun because of the people who do everything just to make your day brighter. I miss those times where I come to school in a really bad mood but suddenly because of the environment I forgot why am I even bummed out. Life was so good back then with friends beside you to cheer you up and then Corona decided to come into the picture and ruin everything.

Spending the days with my friends either in school or outside school was indeed wholesome. My family bond is somewhat okay, but the fun that I feel with I’m with my friends is beyond incomparable. I can exclude my cousins for at least, they can be fun too but the pressure from our family is unbearable at times whenever they see us having fun like doing silly things that they don’t like. I miss my friends so much to the point that I’m willing to do anything just to get outside of this toxic house filled with too many judgement.

Not seeing my friends really made a huge impact to my mental health this quarantine. It was just a single cycle throughout. Eat, chores, games, chores again, and sleep. Nothing interesting happened in my whole quarantine and online distance learning except for the part when I met my special friend. Bros always got our backs if you have true ones, they will be there for you in your ups and downs if your family is not. Not seeing them triggered the sadness that’s kept inside me for too long, and now all I think about is them. On how are they doing and if they are okay too.

Who knew from us being complete total strangers to us being a family. Family doesn’t have to be related in blood or something, being a family is being there for your bros that are now your life brothers. Maybe I felt that way because I simply miss them and this quarantine was a hard thing to process. Maybe I felt that way because I’m not having the exact same fun that I experience when I’m with my friends.

Love can mean a lot of things, the general explanation for why I miss them is because I simply love them. I love their company, jokes, advice, and a lot more. In this world we’re living in, you have two families. One is your biological one, and one are your friends. My intense longing for them is an outcome of my love for them. I love them just as much as I love my biological family.

The least thing I can do now is either I wait for the whole pandemic to end or reminisce some memories with them. I must always keep in touch with them so I can lessen this feeling of longing and sadness. I’m glad that my friends are still checking up on me despite of the absence of real-life interaction, it just simply implies that our friendship is stronger than what we think. After this pandemic, I will make it up with my friends and do the things that we usually do before Covid even happened like play chess or basketball, dance, go to the movies, eat Korean food, and many more.

[angmatipunongmananayaw]

The Unforgettable Uncertain New Year

The first day of 2021 was pretty chaotic for me, sort of like those funny disastrous memes all over the internet. My cousins and other relatives came over and we decided to drink and talk, like the typical things that occur on family gatherings. One minute we’re drinking and casually having fun, and the second minute we’re hearing loud shouts asking for help from our neighbors. I know I’m not allowed to drink in my age, but I’m already sleepy and tipsy at that time. But me and my cousins gathered every good state we have left in us and tried to help them right away.

I was so tipsy at that time that I can’t even remember what time it happened. All I know is I’m running back and forth trying to hand as many buckets of water as possible. By the time the chaos was done, I clearly don’t know what happened after. All I remember was I helped but I’m still currently questioning myself till now if was it enough? I’m not that close to my neighbors and my parents won’t allow me to go outside a lot so I can’t personally ask them what clearly happened during and after.

The main problem that I encountered was my own uncertainty at that time. I’m very close with my neighbors but I don’t know if it was enough. I’m not only talking about what happened though, this feeling of uncertainty of mine has been with me since. I’m too self-conscious and insecure if I’ve done enough in my life. Have I been enough in my studies? Have I been enough in being a friend? Have I done enough being a son?

I think the whole situation happened because God is telling me something. Or maybe that chaotic situation served as a test for me to question myself and to eventually improve in some areas I need to work on. Being uncertain in many aspects in myself is normal I guess, but I got to admit that I do need some work done to fully help myself too regarding self-doubts and some forms of my insecurities.

I believe in the famous quote “everything happens for a reason” and that’s exactly it. It was a test to question myself. I’m 16 turning 17 this year, I do believe that I need to learn as I grow to become a man myself. If everything I did in my 16 years of living was unsatisfactory and not enough well there is my whole life to be better and improve. I’m being uncertain because back then, I only wanted to be satisfactory but not outstanding. So, now I’ve realized it I just need to be sure in everything I do and do my best on everything that’s being put on my plate.

To improve in these situations, I must need to practice decision making and take a stand on whatever decision I made. I know it will be a tough process but I will assure myself that I’ll never ever make rooms again for doubt and uncertainty in my book. I’m tired of looking at my ceilings at night questioning myself if I did enough or am I enough. I’ll do the best I can in everything, I claim it.

[angmatipunongmananayaw]

My 8th Grade Crush

I got to admit that 2020 was like the worst nightmare I ever had but my mind and body are practically awake. Living. Surviving. Online class was a complete change for me, and it’s been hard for everybody. The idea of having girl classmates was thrilling since our school is an all boy’s school since then. Right after the bridging program it was now the regular classes that normally counts. I knew online learning will be a difficult task for me and I’ve ran out of motivation. There’s this girl who’s in the same section as me, as you guessed it, she’s one of my classmates. I remember knowing her back in 8th grade and having a thing for her, she’s known for being smart, talented, and pretty in her previous school that’s why I got interested and asked details around about her to some friends that are mutual with hers back in 2017. It’s a small world indeed, she’s now my classmate and I remembered all the cringy chat I sent her back then.

It’s now the September of 2020, things are going smoothly and I’m still adjusting and knowing my classmates especially the new ones. This girl still turns on her camera being charming and neutral writing down notes wanting to get through the day just like everybody else. I know she’s busy with all her studies and dance auditions back then running out of ideas on how to do different choreographies. I got to admit she’s cute and smart with her reciting a lot to the class and I only have a slight crush on her kind of like a simple adoration. My friend likes her since the very beginning of classes, no hard feelings though I support him fully, or do I? hahaha joke!

16th of September was a remarkable day that I won’t ever forget, one of my friends that are friends with her said that she likes me. I was so shocked and didn’t know what to do at that time. So, basically our mutual friend snitched on her so I felt pretty bad too. I really wanted to talk to her but I can’t push myself to do it. I was being a coward regarding my feelings but I sort of managed. Two days after, I sent her a message. I didn’t exactly tell her that I knew right away, I just offered that I wanted to be friends with her but I think she knew it along the way. I know confessing my feelings and proposing to court her was a bit too far with the fact that we’ve already built a bonded friendship with each other. So, I guessed that the least thing I can do is tell her I like her? But of course I chose not to do that and chose to be a wimp because what if it’s all fake news? Me taking risks needs a lot of work and so does me being afraid to be rejected and being a coward as well.

 I exactly don’t know why did it happen to me all of a sudden. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. Maybe because I’m too afraid is because it might all be untrue or that she only adores me in dancing because she loves to dance too. But I don’t know, I’m always a product of rejection anyways so I think it might be all up in my head or I’m just simply scared.

 As you guessed it, the long-hidden feelings grew bigger and bigger. We talked every day and night she was easy to talk to and I get along with her a lot in things because we share lots in common. Who wouldn’t fall for such a girl? So, the day came and I finally admitted everything and gladly it went pretty well and smooth. I think the best answer why I encounter such events is that maybe God is teaching me a lesson to better out my risk-taking personality and He’s signing me that wimp and cowards don’t get the best out of everything.

 In conclusion, I can be better in these instances if I embody the famous quote “taking risks is better than having regrets” because it’s true though. Since the whole 8th grade crush situation happened, I’ve done many things that are risk worthy and as usual, it turned out to be super fun and fulfilling inside.

[angmatipunongmananayaw]

Pertinence

The performance task making week was really exhausting and mentally draining. I don’t know if it’s just my weakness getting into me or it’s just normal to encounter this because of the sudden transition. Along with family problems, it somehow affects my performance in everything I do such as online class, passion for dancing, and other things that I love to do. It has been so draining lately and I feel so unmotivated. The lack of inspiration makes me feel so unwanted in this family although I can strongly say that I do my best in school because of the sleepless cold nights that I spend studying rather than enjoying my leisure time.

 They say if you’re the youngest in the family, you’re typically the spoiled and most loved child by your parents but that’s not a certain case for me. It’s most likely on the contrary side, meaning I feel so irrelevant in the family and I sometimes wonder if am I adopted. My father and one of my elder brothers are the ones that get on my nerves because they make me feel so inadequate and kind of like an outcast in my own family. The amount of underestimation and lack of moral support from them just makes me so conscious and insecure.

 I thought our parents should be our number one fan in everything we do, but I think it doesn’t apply to everybody. I understand if they can’t give me enough moral support for me to be motivated in keeping things consistent and for me to keep fighting but I don’t think it’s necessary for them to throw hatred right into me. I’m the youngest but I feel so unloved. I’m the youngest but why do I feel so inadequate? But they will not stop me from doing things I love especially I have friends who are family to me by heart that give me their all-out support in every step I take and everything I do.

I feel so uneasy in coming up with meanings for my encounters because sometimes I don’t know why are they like that towards me. Being in this house is as same as riding a rollercoaster ride, it’s full of ups and downs because sometimes they appreciate you, and most of the time you’re on the downside and they make you feel like you’re the worst child that ever existed. It’s hard coping and living with a brother that acts immaturely and oftentimes narrow-minded, my father even tolerates him like he matters so much more than anyone else in the rest of the family. My father never believes in my capabilities and he pressures me too much but he doesn’t even seem to care when I get high marks. It’s like a burdensome that doesn’t have an ending.

Ever since then, my father and my brother had been like that and it was so consistent up to this day. I have concluded that maybe they’re like that because it’s just how they are. No jokes here, but it’s the closest conclusion I can make because they’re just humans that have their own mannerisms and ways because of the environment they grew up with and how are they treated back then in it. They’re still my family and I need to understand the situation that I’m in because, at the end of the day, I can’t do anything at all unless they’re open for change and reconciliation.

As I’ve said before, I can’t do anything about my situation because it’s just how it is, talking and opening about my sentiments won’t make any difference because their hearts are as hard as a rock, it’s unbreakable for me. I will just keep doing my best in everything so that I can have something to focus on rather than giving them the attention that would make them even notice me and my mistakes even more. I’m still a kid, am I? I don’t think it’s necessary to feel this way, pressured and unloved.

[angmatipunongmananayaw]

a happy and productive night

Second entry of my JOURNAL.

This night was before the exams of the most stressing and hell hole subject of Pre-Calculus. I sacrificed my time of rest just to write down the formulas that I need for this exam and also for my friends to have a guide in asnwering this exam so that I can be of use to them.

This night, I was reviewing with my study buddy and we were happy reviewing about this subject. I just hope that, my buddy learned something from me because im doubting myself in terms of this subject. Im not sure if what im teaching to my buddy is correct or not. Anyways the module in quipper guided us if it was correct or not. It was fun reviewing with my buddy and I saw a positive and happier way of studying in this new normal but I dont think that it will always be like that because I think there are things that come to an end. Everything comes to an end and thats a sad truth about life. But its okay atleast I enjoyed this night studying with my buddy.There are moments in our life that we will miss and it is just sad that we are not sure whether it will happen again or not. The best part of life is using happiness as a feeling to endure the things that is hard to do. Doing something that gives you hard time to do but doing it with happiness to someone you trust is the best feeling for me. In that way I can learn many things when im happy. “Happiness us a state of mind, its just the way you look into things”.

[angmatipunongmananayaw]

unwavering day

First entry of my JOURNAL.

Hi my name is Juan Miguel Silvestre, just a normal student in stem strand and from 11-rossi. You can call me Em for short and I can easily be your friend. Im matipunong mananayaw, because of dancing, my body became muscular to the point that is was not meant for my skinny body, because of my passion I gained muscular body and controlable moves and use it for my dancing hobby

This day was exhausting but I need to maintain my strength because I got a lot of work to do. This day was the birthday of my older brother, 27th of September 2020 and I really need to work really hard for his friends and our relatives to be welcomed properly with a nice place. This was a challenging day for me because I'm still adjusting to the system of this new normal and I just found out that I have a failing score in my english class and that let me down and my parents are doubting me that im not studying hard enough. They dont know how hard it is to study in online classes because most of the time I really study by myself only. Now I need to think and make a decision to double my efforts in studying in this new normal. While I was fixing the garage for the birthday party I was always thinking of recovering my failing grade and adjusting to the new normal and after this challenging exam week I will reward myself by watching series and lying in bed all day and fully recover my strength.