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angelmothman · 4 years ago

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randomly my roommate decided they were very physically ill.. & I know that’s a really weird thing for me to say. but i’m not actually sure they are. Like, I’m sure they have some type of issue, but they keep making it out to be some dire life threatening thing where they could die at any moment.

a couple weeks ago they started acting like a bitch & called an ambulance. it’s not the first time they’ve done something like that, but i wouldn’t say it happens often either. I feel like the last time it happened was seven years ago maybe.

I know they are under a lot of stress at work & within the past few months did sustain quite a bit of stress at home as well during the time we renovated the upstairs... but the upstairs has been done for maybe two months now i think, so it’s not like the renovation should be stressing them out anymore.

they said they used to work every day & never had a break because corona stripped most of the workers from the restaurant they work at. & it’s annoying because I had been saying the whole time restaurants shouldn’t have been considered essential & grocery stores should have just stayed twenty four hours. the whole thing is beyond retarded to me.

i am disabled & was diagnosed professionally with a disability while I was a child. My diagnosis will never change, except maybe it might get worse, the reason I don’t claim full government benefits is because I have to see a therapist & psychiatrist for them to reassess me & have it on paper. I haven’t done this because I was worried about transportation, but lately I started thinking that if I enrolled somewhere downtown then perhaps I could take a bus? I am thinking about doing so in the near(ish) future.

but due to the disability my roommate takes care of me & provides for me. It’s been this way since we were seventeen or so. I feel bad about it, & I was planning to apply for a job at the general store up the street, the thing that had been holding me off was trying to orchestrate an appointment for one of my cats who has been having issues where she just never stops being in heat. Because we are poverty, neither of us have a cellphone & we were able to get a landline on our internet plan, so that’s what we did. But because I had to wait around at home for these calls I was unable to leave to go to an interview or even pick up my prescriptions.

The good news is that my cat has an appointment & will be going tomorrow, so after her recovery which will be about a week, I can apply. & I know one of my friends was looking for a dishwasher, which I don’t really think I want to do, but if the general store doesn’t pan out then I guess I’ll look into doing the dish washing.

the restaurant never closed all of Corona though. The number of staff slimmed to next to none but business stayed the same. Now because of unemployment benefits, people refuse to even apply to the restaurant, so they haven’t been able to get any new workers at all. The business has been slipping on a downward spiral for nearly a year now. & my roommate feels they’re carrying the whole restaurant on their back because the other staff member doesn’t do nearly half the work my roommate does, according to them. So to be kind & lenient for the over worked staff, the boss closed the kitchen on Mondays.. Yet, because my roommate has proved themself to be a powerhouse, they are now somehow working more hours six days a week than they did when the kitchen was open every day.

They are an unhealthy person with bad habits. They chainsmoke with cigarettes a lot of the time & had been an alcoholic for a few years now. The only thing that seemed to keep them above others was the fact they didn’t do drugs. But they have always had anxiety disorder, & their mother who is a native woman was allegedly diagnosed with schizophrenia which I know passes to the opposite sex offspring, but we wonder if she was truly schizophrenic since she was clearly an alcoholic & alcoholism can make people insane. Aside from that they had watched their siblings die of various unseen conditions. So it makes their anxiety a lot worse that they are always thinking they are going to die since their family died unexpectedly around them.

But they are also very stupid. Because if you’re so worried about dying from cancer, why would you smoke? If you are so worried about your liver shitting out on you, why would you drink? if you are worried about ripping muscles, why would you lift beyond your means? it all just irritates me.

I had/ have anxiety too. I was abandoned as a kid & had to do many things by myself. I had admit to psyche ward type hospital with the hopes that there would be something that could be done to help me. I was young, around fourteen or fifteen. I was told I had anxiety & that was it & there was nothing anyone would do for me. Essentially I was told no one cares. & I had been told this since I was small. My mom used to always tell me the world didn’t revolve around me & that life wasn’t fair. She would always say it, so I knew life wasn’t fair & no matter what, it never would be. & I suppose in a way I truly appreciate learning that lesson so young.

At one point I had been enrolled in a dbt type of therapy. What you don’t realize when you’re a kid is that sometimes parents truly don’t care or they can fail, & it’s not just yours but you friends’ & your parents’ parents & continuing outward. That ways of interacting you have picked up or seen others pick up that you or they would find totally normal are completely the opposite & very bad & toxic & may even be repellant towards others. Dbt attempts to teach you appropriate & normal ways of acting that everyone should know.

So when I was in the hospital & knew that I truly was alone, I thought back on the dbt & tried to use it. I was dismissed from the hospital but with nothing fixed, told that I was fine & there was nothing wrong with me, with the new affirmation that you truly are alone in a godless & uncaring world.

I guess my roommate was spoiled to a degree. Perhaps in an attempt by his sister to give him the life & care that she had always wanted that was deprived from her. & as much as we all covet perfect & peaches, this ideation is also flawed. Because when you are spoiled, when you don’t know pain, you don’t learn that the world is truly cold, uncaring & always unfair.

So despite my studies & my shouldering of knowledge to others, you can’t force anybody to learn or to retain knowledge. & I stand by the concept of learning by being burned. Because little was taught to me without first self immolating. & I have told everyone time & time again when you are tired you have to sleep, because if you don’t your brain will turn against you. & I know how stupid it sounds. But it is the truest statement. Because even I find when I stay up too long that I want to ki__ myself, that Animus/anima will reign a terror upon you. That’s just how it is.

& they had been staying up late for who knows what reason. I know even I do it, I suppose as an act of rebellion against the self. But rarely does anything good come from it. & so in this state they lost the ability to sleep as the body & brain began to rebel. It create a whirlwind inside of themself to the point where they were sprinting through the house & frightening the cats. Practically running laps in a straight line between the kitchen & livingroom in this extremely tiny house.

& it made me really mad because if I were to act like that I would be told I was psychotic. I would be sent to psyche evaluation, which maybe I need. I was upset because their self rebellion shouldn’t be cast upon the cats & made their problem or made something to cause them unease & concern.

& it pissed me off because stop flying around the house? I am just trying to chill in my own home, if you want to run then why don’t you go outside & do it? This house is way too small to be hosting any olympic sports or cross country track meets. When I had the fast moving anxiety, I went out & I ran. Why should they behave like this?? There is an entirely open outside that exists with roads & sidewalks to be run on that would not remotely disturb anybody... so why disturb us? it’s rude as fuck.

They pissed off in an ambulance for nine hours only to go into work without any sleep? Telling me the doctors told them sure they had bodily issues & they needed to quit their bad habits as well as stop over eating & eating only processed foods & meals obliterated with salt. They claimed they nearly had a stroke which could be true enough, it is possible & it is worrisome, but aside it all, it was all anxiety which I’m wholly sure came from not sleeping & being over worked.

For days they acted like a little bitch as they stopped smoking with cigarettes & drinking. & I wondered how long it would last. I did hope the fear truly meant something, because I don’t want them to die on me & leave me all alone when they have been my family far longer than any of my blood relatives. They are so annoying & stupid, but I would be truly broken & lost without them. If one day their existence just faded from me entirely it would truly change me on an atomic level.

They had cut out many foods, to a degree I assumed was ridiculous. But that seemed to fall off after a week. & already they are smoking with cigarettes again. They tried to tell me “it’s okay to smoke a cigarette once in a while,” but I’m sure they’ve nearly killed the whole pack in a span of twelve hours.

They mentioned two days ago wanting to go to Urgent Care which they tried to pretend didn’t exist before even though I kept telling them they could go to Urgent Care rather than pay the obscene amount of money to ride an ambulance cities away. They were insisting their thyroid was acting up. They love to insist their blood pressure is so high, it’s too high, even though they have nothing to check it with. Now they love to insist their thyroid is out to kill them at any moment even though they have nothing to check it with.

In a way my skepticism is on the fence because Jim Henson wasn’t worried when he was sick & he died far too young from something that shouldn’t even kill people. & it’s very sad. So in a way I understand an importance to check yourself before you wreck yourself & that I can’t tell my roommate how they feel, only they know what it feels like to be in their own body.

But we as people who are wildly uneducated about health concerns/ issues don’t know what is or isn’t something severe. Even I have thought I was going to die or needed to go to the hospital when the only issue was constipation. The difference is I don’t act on it. I don’t have the thing in your head that tells you to seek help outside of the household. I only just did so recently when my period started to behave in a way that I believed to be abnormal, & yet I was told despite the fact my periods seem far worse than any of my peers, I am fine ? I was told nothing is wrong with me. Yet I can’t help but feel like that statement is wildly inaccurate.

So once more they have gone to Urgent Care after leaving work early after staying up too late. I am amazed how they could just leave their job claiming their thyroid was out to kill them & act so caught up in a whirlwind like everyone needed to stop & care for them.. & expecting everyone around them to do various form of care for them. Expecting me to take them to the Urgent Care when they won’t accompany me to appointments. Expecting their own boss to act as their personal taxi service. Being rude to the cats who wanted to offer them love, care & concern. How can you be so conceited?

I think about how horrible it was to learn the world was so uncaring when I desperately wanted anyone to be there at all, like I had seen other kids with loving & doting families who would do anything for them. But I learned of death young, as well as neglect & isolation & the hollowness of existence. I wonder about my occult practiced peers who I have also seen cry out into the void begging for care & affirmation of the self. There is no one truly but yourself.

I was in awe & shame of my peers for behaving so foolishly as to believe they mattered on a cosmic scale at any level greater than being a shadow of a life for a handful of internet voyeurs to peer through. There is only the self.

& even I spiraled into my own psychotic episode, by myself on hard wood floors. My cats could not help me, no human was there. There was no need to pick up a phone to beckon to someone who would not understand nor have the time. & as I lay in heaps & hysterics, I was once again reminded of the vast loneliness of existence. There is no one by the self, & no matter who or what you are, the world will never care.

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angelmothman · 4 years ago

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facebook keep tryna pummel me with that new adventure time special & i’m saying i wanna see it honestly but i haven’t watched adventure time like that. When it came out i thought it looked really cute & i really appreciated the humor & idea of the show but i think when it actually came out i didn’t have cable so i couldn’t watch it, & although I had watched episodes of the first season here & there, I had a conflict with the people around me where it seemed like half the people around me were saying how good it was & the other half would belittle me if i expressed interest in watching it. I remember the end of season four & beginning of season five because everyone was talking about it & i know that I was watching the episodes but looking back on it now & trying to remember i literally do not even know how i was watching them because again, i didn’t have cable or a laptop.. but i remember watching them & being like damn that was fucked up.. & then shortly thereafter I was adopted & my brother would put me down for watching the program so I was like ok i guess i just won’t watch it then & pretty much never picked it up since. I was like okay, let’s see how many episodes there are & i was really like wow damn, I did not realize it went on for as long as it did. I really thought it ended after season five. & because I like watching disturbing content countdown on youtube I was watching one that was like most fucked up episodes that aired on cartoon network & they were talking about the finale so of course I was interested & i feel like damn, I really want to watch that show.. but it be feeling kinda like Naruto to me where it seems like it’s really long & i’m saying I never watched Avatar Airbender until a few months ago & I did end up really liking it that when I was watching it I was feeling very upset because I really didn’t want it to end as quickly as it did, i was really hoping there would be more adventures with those friends I made. But i’m saying, I don’t do anything with my life ever that i definitely have the time to watch Adventure Time & i guess i should because I been complaining about oh i need something new to watch... & even though I know it’s not like a baby show, I still get this weird distress like noo you can’t watch it because you were too late.. which is how I feel about playing the Kingdom Hearts games even though everyone I know who’s played them are always telling me I should just play them because they always been good but I’m saying damn i sure hope you aren’t nostalgia blinded cos I’m saying people don’t get the appeal of the old games i stake my life on either..

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