angelmothman

[angelmothman]

Just when I started to enjoy having the house to myself they came back. All of this is so stupid. I don't understand why they are trying to punish me. I would get it if I was saying I don't love you, I hate you & I want to leave or break up, but I have said none of that ? I feel like they're abiding by a script for your partner is leaving you, but I'm not so none of the things they are saying or doing make any sense to me ?

Of course I'm not going to sit here & be like I can't believe they're upset, but I just don't think it's that big a deal ? I don't think it's worth not talking to me, evicting me, binge drinking to the point of vomiting blood, or putting out cigarettes on theyself. I'm having sex with someone else ? I didn't say I was leaving or getting married to someone or having kids with someone else ? I will not accept this as malicious treatment. & even still, one other person, not like out having sex with a different stranger every night ??

I guess my boyfriend decided their upset was unfounded because they've been trying to be more supportive now. Tomorrow I have to ask a restaurant for a paper application. I know how silly it sounds but getting a job makes me want to die & feel like suicide is a better decision. But it's like, I don't actually have a problem with doing work, my problem is literally just acquiring the job & going there every day.

My boyfriend doesn't get it because he doesn't have a legitimate fear of leaving the house & has been working since he was a teenager. His perception is that it's a very normal circumstance & I'm saying sure it is, for people who have been doing that now for over ten years, but I haven't.

I think there is a difference in having someone bring you to work, like dropping you off like a child for school. I get very frustrated. I know it's unrealistic to ask other people to do simple gestures for you, but I wish it didn't feel like I was doomed to constantly having to do everything alone. I really wish the difference was feeling & seeing support rather than just being told what to do.

I feel regret for getting a job. It's easy to regress & say I guess I'll just break up with my boyfriend & go back to being miserable... & I have to argue with myself against that. Because I look at them both & say I would rather be with someone who can speak to me calmly like an adult, who doesn't drink & is capable of cleaning up after themself. It's not a lack of love with my partner but a lack of emotional & interpersonal comfort. I can love my house, my bedroom & my family, but my partner is always volatile. Even if we have a few good weeks, they are bound to just snap again. They will never practice decent hygiene, never make an effort to clean up after themself. They will never make an effort to speak to me like a human being or see me as one. I can care with all the love in my heart, it doesn't change the important things that need to change for me.

Tonight they were listening to music loudly while I was in the other room doing nothing. But they were playing banger after banger, so I couldn't complain. I admit that I don't think my boyfriend is capable of playing banger after banger. My partner's music is something I've shared in for all these years, coming from similar backgrounds & sharing fondness for the same aesthetics. I feel grief, but these similarities aren't enough to work as glue to hold a doomed relationship together, as much as I wish they could.

There is a lot they would do that I know my boyfriend won't & though it upsets me, having the comfort of not having someone snap on me or leaving garbage everywhere sounds like a breath of fresh air.

My boyfriend said after another nine months we can move in together. I wish I had nine months to breathe. He said he is looking for a house that will fit my cats. It's exciting & depressing. He conceded from the beginning he'd been looking for a house for us, which I found very touching. I had thought he was, but then realized maybe it was just wishful thinking to imagine I was invited to the house he was planning to buy.

It's very hard & my partner makes it so much harder. They are saying to me about everything they've done for me & how no one else would do these things & how they've devoted their entire life to me & they've lost out on their entire life, insisting I don't care & saying they should just kill themself because they have nothing... But I'm not leaving ? I didn't break up with them ? If they didn't lay down & die then they could win me over... But either way, I know I have to be firm in this decision.

The situation is all the more frustrating because my partner just won't make up their damn mind about what's going on or what they want. I knew it would be jarring at first, but I felt if they understood it meant nothing was changing, they could be more comfortable in the situation. Yet they're binge drinking & at least were listening to sad music.

Apparently they were so eager to be a gossip girl about the whole thing & told everyone they know... which is ridiculous because had you just kept it a secret no one would think or know you were a cuck ? But now even the moment they decide actually everything's fine & nothing happened, they're stuck with the possibility of everyone laughing at them for being soft & letting their girlfriend have two boyfriends. Not that it should even matter because who cares if you love someone ??

So I have no idea what's happening because they keep changing their mind & every single time constantly contradicting themself, but they were lamenting to me the other night the landlord is allegedly evicting me against my partner's will, because I guess my partner said they changed their mind about wanting me evicted if I was really going to get a job... But then followed up by saying they want three hundred a month for rent ?? So I'm really confused because am I being evicted against your will or am I paying three hundred a month for rent ??

It's all so frustrating & stressful. I've said my boyfriend might not even work out, but I understand that if we're still together after nine months then I would have to move in with him & start my new life. & it's bittersweet. I want to lay down & die but I am telling myself there is something better if I keep going.

A lot of times I don't know if I like him but I feel like that's just mental illness & fear talking. He is a good person & his hobbies & interests are interesting to me even if I don't quite understand them. I think sometimes we don't quite agree on things as our personalities & way of dealing with things & handling things are different. He's more pragmatic than I am, & I thought I was pragmatic. I feel like he's the type of person where he is a silly guy but somehow is giving no nonsense at the same time. It's odd to describe.

I can't fix the situation with my partner, & I am not referring to having two boyfriends. Our relationship & ways of interacting have always been shitty & I understand when you are physically with someone, it is very difficult to change. I don't think I can really change how I interact with them in a way that they want me to.

For many years I was someone who did not really feel love or affection, but when I started, they weren't quite receptive to it. I would say it's unfair to be in a relationship when you aren't open emotionally, but they had pushed so hard. & pushing doesn't make emotions appear. It's like all these years but having no real comfort & normalcy in interacting at an intimate level. Especially as I stated in a previous post where they constantly force me into things I don't want to do & then ridicule me & treat me like shit about it after, which results in a fear of doing anything intimate or sexual at all. & they can't grasp this at all. They can't acknowledge or accept how their interactions & the way they show their emotions & refuse to communicate push me away. All for the sake of scapegoating me or their job or anything but taking accountability for their own actions.

I said I recognized I was emotionally unavailable, I can recognize where I've been shitty or an asshole, where we've been volatile to eachother. But eventually there came a point for me where I did get better, my outlook, my emotions, & I wanted to give & receive love. I wanted to make a point to have kind, supportive & beneficial communication with others. But my partner cannot support me outside of financially. I can't get close to them for nervousness that they would blow up on me & such an anxiety has never been quelled no matter how many times I've very nicely & non aggressively expressed how it hurts me. Their sentiment is bullying & aggression is the only way to get what they want. I told them violence begets violence. Their way of thought is outdated & not suitable for interacting with a women. I'd argue it's not suitable for interacting with anyone, but you shouldn't be treating women with aggression under any circumstance, especially not one you claim to love. At some point, I have to really be like I'm not putting up with this anymore. I asked for change so many times & maybe it was wrong of me ? I come nicely & with understanding to the conclusion that hey, if you don't want to change this, I will accept this is who you are at your core, but I want nothing to do with this. I won't try to change you anymore because I can understand how asking you to change to someone else is unfair for everyone. But if you can't treat me with the utmost care, respect & gentleness, I literally can't express love or care to you. I can feel it all I want, but there will never be a comfort to let it out with security. A stalemate.

& for clarification, I'm not saying they have to live their whole life without ever being upset or having a negative emotion, because they always insist that's what I'm saying. What I am saying is emotional intelligence, which I don't think they're capable of. To be able to understand why you're upset, what you're upset at, is the upset important enough to hang onto for a purpose or is it something you have to do your best to let go of ? & then how do you remove yourself of the stress ? Do you talk it out, do you occupy your time with laughs & joy ? Because their idea of resolution is holding me hostage & telling me how useless I am for hours on end at night after getting black out drunk. & drinking never fixes sorrow or anger, it only makes everything worse. & even now, this could all be fixed if they didn't obsess over the hurt feelings & villainize me for basically saying I still wanted to be with them... In the end, they're choosing alcohol over me & a desire to remain stagnated. & I said from the very beginning that I didn't want to be with someone who drank because it makes me uncomfortable. & they started drinking anyway & tried to blame me for it. But they always wanted to be an alcoholic. They always romanticized alcohol.

If you remove me of the situation, they can live in all the filth they want to & drink as much as they want. They would still blame me for all their problems even if I wasn't even around. Nothing will change or get better. Because they don't really want it to.

I don't know if I will like my boyfriend, but at least hopefully I would no longer be scapegoated, blamed for everything or treated with aggression. Hopefully then I just keep becoming a better & more capable person.

My mom also contacted me the other day, but I don't want to talk to her about any of this because she cursed me & told me my life would be ruined anyway. If I told her, she would feel excited at the situation I am in just for the sake of saying she was right about wanting a negative outcome for my life.

I am hoping maybe I will have someone be friendly with me wherever I get hired. Right now, my boyfriends are the only people in my life.

[angelmothman]

I've been very worried so I've been up late, but now I have been up for two days straight because I just couldn't sleep from my worry. I am thinking in some regard it is unfounded. I don't really think my partner is leaving but it seems like I am being forced to get a job which is really stressful & worrisome for me, considering I am agoraphobic. Though of course I recognize it's a necessity & any complaint I have is the same as everyone else.

They still can't decide what they're doing or saying, saying they're evicting me, then they're leaving, then saying I'm taking over the house, then saying I need to leave.. ? & like I said, I can't go anywhere if I have nowhere to go & I couldn't possibly be packed & out entirely within the span of five hours, especially without any boxes ?? & I pointed out to them I would have to get a job to afford to go somewhere, so they would have to actually give me time to make the money to move & even get a job. It seems like they found that reasonable, but I also mentioned if I had a job I would pay rent, to prove that I could take over the house & that I'm not just taking advantage of them. They seemed to like that idea because they've brought it up a few times.

I couldn't sleep at all yesterday due to stress of just not knowing what they were doing & the previous day my boyfriend was upset with me as well & being super short with me due to dishonesty. But idk, the following day he was up my ass ig because I trained him to think we would have sex on that specific weekday, so I think he was trying to bait me or something idk ? It's just kinda odd to say some shit to me like you won't entertain me expressing that I want to be held but then turn around & tell me sex things & then say you love me ? Like, that's gay. It feels slightly insulting.

My partner did a bunch of weird things. They threw away half their belongings but then packed a suitcase like they were running away from home but instead hid the suitcase in the basement ?? They also unblocked my number apparently ? Though they did end up leaving, it seems like they had intention to come back but just didn't know when ? & I kinda feel like I wonder how long it takes to get homesick ? Or if it's possible they will wear out their welcome wherever they are ?

I was very upset yesterday in the morning due to anxiety & fear of all this change, though I double down on my boyfriend for the reason of better communication, even if he is not an easy ride. My partner left some weird note saying they were being thrown away & I feel so confused because I've said repeatedly that I'm not doing that & I am trying to date them both together ? It really is that they only hear what they want to hear & are obsessed with self pity & being a victim.

The day felt like holding my breath, but knowing they will talk to me & will come back makes me feel a little better. For now, I started cleaning the house, because if I am going to be by myself then I would like to be in a clean home. & the peace of mind in having the clean home I always wanted is amazing. I don't like that they aren't here, but then they also aren't binge drinking an entire night through. They've been binge drinking for about three days straight now. When they grabbed their suitcases they told me they were vomiting & pissing blood. I feel like damn, maybe quit drinking like that ?

I figure they're going to come back at some point anyway. But they kept saying not to have my boyfriend over, which even if I wanted to, I wasn't going to anyway. I can't help but think they've got the neighbors watching my house... Especially because when I went outside to throw trash in the trashcans, someone nearby kept yelling my boyfriend's name repeatedly ?? In that regard I felt like it was a test of honesty & trust. To prove I really was not having him over in a situation where I probably could have.

I'm going to clean the basement tomorrow. I can't believe it. For once a clean house.

Hopefully I will finally be able to sleep before having to go apply for jobs. I do really miss my partner & feel sick & nervous without them, but the peace & tidiness do also bring me immense joy.

[angelmothman]

My assertion has been nothing I did was really that bad & I will be firm & unwavering on this.

I'd waited up & they came home, then expressing irritation that I was still up. I've been praying, you see. I beg for guidance & help to be sure I make the right decisions & do the right thing, because with a mental illness, I don't exactly believe I am the most trustworthy mech pilot.

As an adult, it's so much harder to stay up than it was when I was younger. I got a headache, also likely influenced by stress.

We did talk at some length when they got home, to which they truly sounded insane, because damn near everything they said, they would then contradict themself. I'm now under the impression when the argument started in the first place, they were likely already drunk without me knowing, but by the time they came home, little before dawn, they were very drunk & only drinking more & more.

They demanded honesty in exchange for me to continue to live here, & proceeded to only ask sex questions. Like, they don't want to know who the other guy is or what he's like, only caring about what the sex looks like... ?

So they fooled me into looking at my phone to which they were later like "I can't believe you were tricked into that." They read the conversations but like, at that point I have nothing to hide, there is literally nothing more for you to find out than what I'd already said ? I'm not hiding the relationship & answered all your weird sex questions, the conversations only confirm a quarter or what I'd volunteered in my honesty. & perhaps funnier my boyfriend is just a boring nerd, so my partner seemed to really be in more shock than anything. Even sounding in disbelief when I said my boyfriend doesn't smoke with cigarettes. Like yeah, I chose a nice guy to worship me who speaks to me like an adult, how is that crazy or otherwise unbelievable in any way ?

They also went through my pictures which I explained, though of course they refused to listen to me, saying every single nude I took must have been sent to my boyfriend just to be spiteful to my partner ? Like, no ? I said repeatedly that I've sent maybe a quarter of those & I am selling pic of boob to another guy.

Not to mention they ask me these vague questions where I have no idea what they're talking about so I respond to the best of my ability & then my response turns out to be a lie because I thought they were asking about something else but they weren't being clear in the first place. Like, they insisted I've cheated on them thirty times & I'm saying I had sex with three guys, now four, in the span of thirteen years ?? But they're considering me selling pic of boob as cheating despite continuously urging me to make an onlyhams ?? & this is exactly what I mean about mixed messages & trying to villainize me for anything. Because they did tell me to get a new boyfriend & I did & then they were basically like "Not like this, this isn't how I wanted it." Like no, you can't tell me to do these things & then freak out when I do them & then try to bastardize me for doing what was asked of me ??

& they went so far as to try to say I was bullying them into suicide because don't I know they tried to kill themselves three months ago ? & the situation they described was literally something that happened two years ago now ?? & I told them the situation they described did not happen three months ago & happened two years ago & they tried to argue with me ??

& they really pissed me off by trying to say I killed my son through my negligence & that I didn't care about him ?? Like, that is so fucked up & uncalled for, but I know what they're saying isn't true & I know I can't react anyway if it's provocation for eviction. The reality is I warned them about a tumor a year prior to his death, urging that he needed to see a doctor & they ignored it. Then when he did go to the doctor, I had all the tests done that could be done, I did literally everything I could to save his life & there was nothing I could do & I had to accept that. & it's incredibly hard for me, but don't drag my son into this. I love my boy enough not to make him an object with which to hurt someone with, his name & memory should only be held in love, joy & affection. His memory is not a tool used to torture anyone. He is far more important & special to me than to reduce him to something like that.

& I think maybe that's all anything was; provocation. But I'm firm. I would love to say I can brute force a situation on sheer will & stubbornness, but we will see. It is a bad place to be in. Though any outcome should ideally hold a rainbow.

Can anyone really resist the embrace of a women who breastfed you ? Especially in your moments of great woe & upset ? Eventually succumbing & of course having to make the situation sexual, though I'd pulled away because they were fall down shitfaced & I was definitely not trying to have sex with anyone.

They are upset, they are going to be upset. I offered to work with them, they did things to piss themself off more, but if they are in love with me like they always said, they will find a way to accept working with me... & likely somehow fetishizing the fact I have a boyfriend... Which has been my initial prediction.

I got so sick I felt like I had their alcohol intake by osmosis. I didn't drink anything & woke up feeling like I had the worst hang over. I spent hours trying to recover myself from the sickness I felt.

My boyfriend just keeps telling me to get a job now & I know he is right & this does seem to come from a place of genuine concern but it's like damn dude, harping at me & nagging me does not work at all, all it does is alienate me. I've expressed to him before I am genuinely afraid of working at this point due to agoraphobia, that there's not really a lot helpful about just keep telling me to get a job. But he's not a very emotional person either. I don't exactly feel like he is someone capable of comforting someone else...

My partner said by the conversation it does not seem my boyfriend has any desire to break up with me at all, but I feel wary. They insist I am extremely attractive & men want me everywhere. I don't know if it's just because I have uncommon facial features within the US, but I also have a hard time believing masses would really find me all that compelling... I think the assertion is basically saying to the effect I hypnotize people. I would love if that were true. My boyfriend won't pay for me to live & as much as I wish he did, it's still reasonable & beneficial that he doesn't. I do fully understand that I have been enabled for far too long.

All I see in this situation is forcing my hand into some direction & either way it would seem to express some manner of independence that I've been shirking off. I don't want to drop my boyfriend because I find him refreshing in contrast with my partner. Understanding it's more valuable to have someone who can be nice to me & is non argumentative over a loose canon prone to aggressive delusions. Like, it doesn't really matter what I want, I know I can't really stay with my roommate, I just don't want to be pushed into an eviction.

Even in acts of begging & winning favor, it does reaffirm to me why I'm dating someone else in the first place.

[angelmothman]

my partner finally confronted me on where I have been going & asked me to be honest, so I was. Of course, this resulted in a blow up type of situation. They are claiming eviction & ran away from home...

I'm very frustrated & upset for obvious reasons, I was trying to have a conversation with them like an adult because I know this is a knee jerk reaction. Though they said they didn't like that we didn't mutually break up before I made this decision, which I definitely understand. They also insist because I was spurred on by their abuse when they are black out drunk that it was done to be spiteful & although I can see what they are saying, I disagree that it's wholly spiteful because I don't actually want to hurt them & have been saying this & been guilty from the beginning. Which I imagine they won't understand because their prerogative is making me out to be their enemy foremost..

Even my boyfriend said I couldn't have my cake & eat it too. I had been walking on thin ice.

Though my roommate argues I am only here to use them, I would argue personally from my own perspective & emotions that even if I left by my own free will, I would still want them in my life because they are the only family I've known, even if they are abusive. I have lived with them longer than either of my parents or any blood relative. I would like to find a position to show them I am not taking advantage of them.

It's also important to point out that a lot of times last year I had expressed upset to them for the way they treat me, repeatedly begging them to change their bad & negative behaviors, which they won't. I've been very realistic about all of this, looking at it from an adult's perspective, something is wrong with their brain & I do not have the patience to deal with it but that doesn't equate to me hating them, but I also recognize my existence is holding them back from happiness in life if neither of us are happy with eachother... I have repeatedly said this, none of this is new information or all of a sudden just happening due to the situation. They have been ignoring me asking them to change & telling them I'm unhappy, they have ignored me begging them to work less so they don't take their work grievances & stress out on me & they've refused to drink less to prevent abuse when blacking out. Which they are still in denial about.

Aside from this, they have openly admit to believing it's appropriate to gaslight me, knowing I have a delusion based mental illness, & when I tried to explain to them I'm basically schizophrenic, they started talking about figures behind me & stuff like that. Aside from that whole ordeal with the butt plug.

It has been years of strictly objectifying me for how my body exists to be sexually gratifying for them. I believe they take care of me on obligation alone, as I serve as a pet housewife that obviously needs to be fed & entertained.

I don't want to have sex with them due to stage fright that has resulted from constantly being pressured into sex, lied to about what's being expected of me & then treated like shit immediately afterwards. I have also expressed this. I have begged them to change how they treat me. They only ever seem to want to be around me or communicate with me if they think they can coerce me into having sex with them but don't even respect my personal preferences or emotions around such an ordeal either.

All of this obviously makes it hard to have a relationship with someone because how can I be with them if I can't trust them not to take advantage of me or literally go out of their way to try to hurt me & completely disregard my feelings ?

The response to all my years of begging for change has been watching them behave in the way that I asked for a week before blowing up on me for not having sex with them & then regressing back to exactly how it was before, as if there was never a change at all.

Or like with the butt plug, doing nice gestures for me & then turning around & blowing up on me & being emotionally abusive because I didn't react in the way they wanted me to.

I had been being careful not to ask for anything at all so I wouldn't look like I was taking advantage of them, but when they expressed wanting to get more into interactions for body worship, I was happy to oblige since my sentiment was never to break up with them in the first place. But of course because they bring all this up now, I know this too will only end up blowing up on me.

I asked them to talk to me like an adult, expressed I wasn't trying to hurt them & explained the mixed messages I was receiving from them when they keep breaking up with me, telling me to find a new significant other & then expressing interest in polyarmory.. I also expressed never wanting to lie but being afraid of a situation like this & saying I would only be honest going forward.

My problem is they are someone who is always looking for something to be mad about, so I have no idea what they're doing.

They can't evict me without a thirty day notice, & even then I'm not sure what happens because I don't have a job or another place to go ? But all of this is ridiculous anyway because how can you claim you ever loved me if you would throw me out for this ?

As an adult who does experience asexuality (not being attracted to anyone), I find monogamy to be really odd. I understand how it works in some situations for two consenting parties, but for a relationship where the parties don't even get along or enjoy having sex with eachother, then I don't really get what the problem is ? My whole thing is it's just the idea of ownership. To own me as a women who exists in your house.

It's very difficult for me because none of this would happen if they would have just got better at communicating with me & listened to me about quitting drinking, working less & not taking their aggression out on me. & literally none of these are even bad, malicious or extreme asks ! Of course I made the decision on my own, but I feel they need to be real & take responsibility for how their actions lead to this as well.

My boyfriend was not happy either. I don't care. I'm pushed in a position where everyone is upset about ownership rather than who I actually am as a person. They were perfectly happy when they saw me for me without thinking about whether or not I was sexually active with someone else. It's ridiculous.

My boyfriend signed off but my partner basically expressly stated the issue was in regard to sex, feeling like they were being robbed of it or missing out, feeling like I was slighting them by going for someone else rather than acknowledging why it even happened in the first place.

My partner has blocked me on every platform but said I needed to get out before they come back ? I asked when that was going to be to which at first they did not respond. I said I wanted to talk about it like adults, but for some reason they ended up coming back home for diarrhea. They said they would not talk to me due to violence & kept trying to make a menacing look at me, which of course falls short because I am not afraid of people.

They didn't want me to give them a consoling touch though. Why ? Because you know you aren't really mad ? Then they changed their mind to be out by April. They said they won't tell me when they will be home because they never want to see me again. I said "shouldn't we be in contact ?" To which they said they would contact me when they are ready. So I guess that's not too bad.

But I'm presumably still walking on thin ice since I don't know what either of them are doing. I am just hoping & praying for the best.

I also don't understand why they left but then came back for diarrhea ? Because their friend called them to ask what was taking so long & that doesn't actually mean anything but if they are at that friend's apartment then it's just down the street, but why would you walk multiple blocks if you were going to have diarrhea ??

[angelmothman]

The exciting update to my vent post is last time he picked me up, after like twenty minutes of being in eachothers' presence, he got a message from me saying I would be out in a minute... So obviously he pointed out that he just got the message & asked rhetorically if there's always a delay & clarified that he responds to me instantly, as soon as he gets the message. Then I was able to say I thought it was really weird because I did not think that & that I would send messages & not hear anything for hours, clarifying I understand there are circumstances where he would not be able to reply, but he insisted the only times he can't/ doesn't reply instantly are when he's at work, but asserted he always replies pretty much instantly. & I aired my grievance from my perspective; that I didn't understand why he told me he wanted an overbearing girlfriend but then ignored my messages half the time, to which he insisted he's never ignored me & always responds ???

& it's weird but it's not because I know for a fact I have problems with my internet & pointed out a weird occurrence I've had with pretty much everyone but my mom where sometimes I send a message & never hear anything back but when I open the Facebook messenger, only then will it show the person viewed my message & they immediately respond. Before it was hard to discern whether or not I just had impeccable timing, especially because no one ever let on that there was a delay either, the conversation(s) flowed just as smooth as if nothing had even happened. But I feel like this definitely affirms people just don't get my messages & probably opening the app multiple times forces the delivery. But it really sucks because it's like I literally do not know from my end whether or not people are getting my messages.

I'm also jazzed because I got that vague telepathy where I can hear when a person is having a loud thought, I kept getting this sensation like my boyfriend wanted to tell me he loved me but was nervous how it would be perceived. I started thinking that I was going to razz him about it but basically after I decided that, I had one opportunity I missed because I got distracted & my other opportunity was via text where I didn't want to bring it up because I wanted to be able to see his reaction.

Rather than razzing him though, I just asked him why he didn't say it. I wasn't quite given an opportunity to bring it up, so I just brought it up myself, probably sans context.

He was saying before he was looking for an interesting partner, someone who was passionate about things & said that he knew I was the one when he asked me about sumo & I basically infodumped on him. He expressed it as an interest in hearing me talk, I think for finding my sentiments & explanations to be fascinating. But also I have a peculiar way of talking & thinking. He expressed being taken by the way I explain things.

I was curious as someone unsocialized, do people really not have interests ? To which he said very seriously that I would be surprised by how many people basically don't have deep thoughts or do anything. & I am really blown away to hear something like that. It's not exactly that I didn't know that was a thing, but maybe more surprised how many people like that he'd encountered ? Because he said it with a noticeably grave seriousness.

Around that conversation we discussed what's perceived as normal in the realm of dating. I can't remember what was actually discussed around that topic now, but we related about thinking certain things should definitely be said straight forward rather than beating around the bush or withholding. I think he had given an example of something he said was frowned upon that we both agreed was actually super important to be up front about.

I was thinking around then that I wondered if he was going to bring up the concept of saying you love someone. But I'd got sidetracked in the moment, though I wasn't going to say anything by that point. After that conversation I was thinking about seeing posts of women dragging guys in dating for saying things like that, but then of course I realized this was the love bombing manipulation tactic, which I of course forgot about, being caught up in the sincerity of human emotions. My thought process was like why would you punish a boy for being vulnerable with you & saying something nice to you ? Because I am all for the concept humanity should feel love for eachother & at least be able to express it in words to eachother, I think that type of behavior should be encouraged. But it becomes harder when we understand there are people out there who are lying just to hurt people & who are willing to play an excruciatingly long game for their own self satisfaction.

When I brought it up, I think I asked what he thought of love & he said he didn't really believe in it, but I think the expression was that it made him uncomfortable. I think sometimes people say things that are very clear, but they themselves haven't analyzed their feelings to discern why they feel that way. I said that I felt like I understood what love is but I feel it in a very abstract sense & wasn't sure if it was something I feel for people. He said that he's had the aversion to saying it to people, I believe for it not being genuine or just not really having deep feelings. Or perhaps the concept not being very meaningful to him or otherwise feeling inappropriate ? I said I think it's okay if we say it even if we don't really mean it because it's a nice thing to say to someone. Then he expressed that he had been wanting to say it but he didn't know why, saying he was looking up earlier that day when you were supposed to say it in a relationship. It's a bit confusing to me why he had the thought in the first place if he said it wasn't something he otherwise felt was important ? He just said he felt it. & also we did talk about love bombing & he immediately interrupted & was like that's very bad & I would never do that.

Later I said it & he reciprocated but I asked if he was placating me, to which he immediately changed the subject. It happened with something else earlier, where I was merely checking the vibe. He insists he wouldn't lie, but I pointed out before I wouldn't know. Sometimes he says things to me like I should know he wouldn't do something & I'm like why would I, I've only known you for a few months ? Then he felt silly when I pointed out that he does that. I just wonder if sometimes he does things just because he's told rather than an actual desire to do so ? I am keeping an eye on this.

Just as I am keeping an eye on these important points; he expresses not feeling things very deeply or expressing a lack of feeling. I have to discern whether this is like the emo cool guy who is so hardened by life that he "doesn't feel anything" versus sociopathy. The other is contrarian. Discerning if the contrary behavior is stemming from a desire to legitimately upset people or something else. Because he does talk at length about being a caregiver, but that might not mean anything if the role is only taken on as like a penance.

I find it interesting he went to therapy & had things explained to him he never thought of. As a psychology special interest, when he says some things to me, I ask why & a lot of the time he kinda laughed saying he didn't know. To which of course I can only respond with a surprised sentiment about not thinking about it. & I think the interest in me & the way I think challenges that, now it seems like rather than just shutting down the dialogue, he does start to think about it so he can give me an informed answer.

I can't help but be really into the idea of further discovering yourself in another person. I like being a catalyst that makes people look inward at their selves. Don't you think that's very romantic & intimate ?

It felt different to express love, even if it's not quite there. I feel a sense of surrender. I said before on a different blog, that I felt like not saying it was a barrier that prevented closer contact. & he frequently expresses what's important to him is feeling like he was close to someone, so I felt like introducing that would make us both feel closer. Somehow for me, it makes me feel like I have more freedom of expression. It's not dancing around a widely accepted public notion of hiding a sentiment of love behind a barrier & treating everyone at arm's length.

Plus how can I really breastfeed you if you don't tell me you love me ?

It's far sweeter to have someone surrender to you completely. Though of course the study of breastfeeding discerned a bonding hormone; is it cult leader mentality to breastfeed a goon squad to have them follow me around begging to do my bidding ? Boy training; no different from puppy training.

Though for the realm of polyamory; my partner came home & refused to speak to me but drank three beers back to back in fifteen minutes before proceeding to start an argument. Again the sentiment of saying they don't know where I go & assume that I'm into prostitution. It's an odd fear. But I am thinking about the sentiments of hook up culture & the difference between having sex with strangers for free versus charging for something you would do anyway. I noticed everyone was so knee jerk opposed to me dating another person & I pointed out people would be less opposed if I was charging him money to have sex with me instead. & I find a weird dissonance in this broad thought people are sharing. It feels like prostitution became more normal & accepted than wanting a relationship where your partner worships & covets you completely without strings attached. & really, deep down, I know I'm not wrong for doing what I'm doing. If my partner cared about how I feel as a person, I wouldn't be driven to this position anyway.

They refused to ask me outright about my boyfriend, so again received no answer. Positing this vague idea of pandering for the male gaze without acknowledging the actual reason why I would be seeing someone else. Saying things like I should be acting for the benefit of the family. But if I am driven by abusive sentiments to the point I think about killing myself & my entire family, how would finding someone who doesn't make me feel that way be harmful to the family ? It is the greater benefit for everyone.

& again another argument was started today over the idea of feeling robbed or deprived of sex, as if it's something owed to someone. Basically an argument over them buying an incredibly obscene butt plug when everyone knows I've expressed revulsion at the idea of anything anal or otherwise ass. They bought it without my consent & tried to claim to my face it was for me & say all these bullshit sentiments of how it would benefit me in body worship... After I just got done saying on a different blog how vomit inducing disgusted I feel by living in a culture where more emphasis is put on anal, specifically for the lens of anal destruction & conquest. Like I said in the original post, I couldn't care less for women who are actually asking for that, that's their life to make their own decisions, but not only am I being very clear about not wanting it, but I also constantly have to hear about it regardless. I'm vehement in this personal disgust & having people pressure it on me is only building further resentment & revulsion, to the point it does legitimately feel like a personal attack on me because how many times do I have to say no, I don't want to do that & I am not into that before someone actually listens to me & respects me ? I really don't even trust my boyfriend in this regard either.

The kicker for me outside of insisting this was bought for my benefit, despite everything stated above, is every single other thing they bought, they showed it to me first & we discussed it so I could enthusiastically consent or suggest something else. & they lit the fuck into me because I said repeatedly I didn't want it after they tried to give me a presentation to sell it to me after they already bought it without my consent. Then make a big deal about wasting money but I'm saying why was this the one thing you bought without my consent ? Because you knew I was going to say no. & then veil it by saying you're doing it for me ? What ? Doing something without my consent that you know I would be disgusted by & never consent to ? Who is that really for ?

Then turning around to cover their ass by trying to say I am using them to buy me sex toys ? What the actual fuck are you even saying to me ?

& I mean, I'm an adult, I responded to each point in ways I felt were entirely non-argumentative, expressing why I was upset & why I perceived the action was out of line & didn't make any sense. I asked why it was the one thing they bought without my consent despite us having conversations & agreeing upon everything else ? Which by the way, none of the other things were sex toys, so to say I was using them for sex toys makes zero sense ?

But they are hard headed & continued to argue. To which I responded about feeling bullied sexually & reiterating a relationship's foundation should be the care & respect of each partner & by going out of your way to bully me or otherwise make me feel like shit or feel nervous in a sexual setting isn't healthy or appropriate. Then of course they insisted I was just trying to be a victim. I followed by saying it's wrong for me to try to change you & clearly there are things you want from me that I can't give & it does not make any sense to try to force me because that's not what love or care are. I said we're too far apart that we can't even meet eachother half way & all I am trying to do is have a healthy relationship where no one resents eachother. Now here would have been a good opening to mention breaking up & introduce my boyfriend... Curiously, they immediately went out of their way to change the subject to cooing over our family. & nothing else. The silence in this argument absolutely tangible.

Now, my boyfriend started talking about Joseph & Dale, Nancy & John Redcorn. He's saying "I can't believe Dale was too stupid to know." & I said he's not ? & he's like there's no way he knows, why would he let his wife do that ? & I'm saying some people are just like that. I also pointed out that Nancy loves Dale because she has no obligation to be there & it's mentioned in one of the episodes that Nancy is paying for Dale to live. He asserted he didn't like Nancy for that reason, to which a long silence.

Had there not been a silence I would have urged to watch King Of The Hill again, because as an adult, there is no way to argue Dale does not know. & also point out the episode where John Redcorn breaks up with Nancy & Dale basically tries to win back John Redcorn & does not say but basically says "get in there & fuck my wife." Or all the instances of Dale talking about how hot & awesome John Redcorn is. Though maybe I will have another moment to mention this.

I only bring that up because when we were talking about the telepathy, he said he knew exactly what I was talking about but he does it a different way. He kept saying how he's really good at understanding what's not being said. & I found it interesting he said he was good at reading faces because he's autistic. & I know there is the sentiment about autisms not being able to read faces yet a lot of autists have since argued this, saying exactly what I said; no, I fully understand what you meant but since you want to make it a fucking game & not tell me what you mean then I'll wait around for you to say it to me like an adult.

With that being said, they both know but refuse to say anything. They both crest it but when I move towards it, the current goes back out. & that's fine I guess. I think the reality is just two separate lives & if they come together then they come together. I'm honestly surprised by the way people react to it. Even some dude who masturbates to me was put off by it like I was a bad guy. Has anything in my past few posts truly made me out to be an absolute irredeemable bastard ? In the context of a housewife being emotionally abused, is she actually wrong for having a boyfriend who treats her like she's special ? I feel bad but again, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't pushed here. Though of course untreated mental illness doesn't help either. I'd love to say I can't do anything about that but the reality is I'm definitely lazy & nervous. I have free health insurance due to my disability. Those are the only two factors that are actually stopping me. & ngl I can't wait to tell the government how much worse my delusions have got. I can't believe I had religious psychosis & delusions all along. I feel like a jackass. Meanwhile I'm like talking down about the gangstalkers & the government delusions people, while making sure I never leave my house on a schedule for fear of the gangstalkers, presumably. It's just funny honestly.

I'd like to gush more about my boyfriend, I think he's so cute.

I really like being an autistic adult dating another autistic adult. I like discussing abstract concepts & talking about witnessing other people. It feels very exciting when a concept is mentioned that we both agree on as personal feelings that we feel. I seriously asked him "oh, was that the most traumatic thing that happened in your life ?" & then we discussed how it effected him. I feel like a lot of other people would not feel exuberant to respond to that.

But as I stated before; I wanted to be wanted & I wanted to learn how to care for someone else. If we are being genuine the whole time, we are saying very vulnerable things to eachother but I think each one is digested & pondered only as an act of learning. My partner doesn't realize I treat them the same because they are too busy scapegoating me & making me their villain.

Even the care is a bit abstract. I wanted to find someone who found comfort in my body. I wanted to be revered foremost. I wanted to find someone I could be vulnerable with, because I feel like no one around me understands me. So I could be straight forward with myself immediately & be like this is what you're getting so either you can like this or you can tell me it's not going to work out.

& I can't help but think, & also I feel like he basically said this, that he's not really dazzling the women, so maybe just giving him time is very outstanding & meaningful to him ? He's expressed having a lot of aspects that get him passed over in dating, & I don't mean red flags either, but just shit where people are shallow for no reason & judge people on things that don't matter. I wouldn't list because they are too specific & I'm paranoid after all, but basically things that you might have this bizarre knee jerk reaction of recoiling from due to this really weird societal ideation but none of these things are remotely harmful or equate to someone being a subpar partner ? But for that I am half thankful because hopefully it means I get a good boy to myself. & it was something I reminded myself going in; that I know these are a hivemind thing that people frown upon but in no way hold any baring over whether or not someone is a good person or partner. Kind of like how slowly over time people are realizing piercings don't make you unprofessional, yet you still see a stigma around people with curly hair. Or even how it was only more in the early two thousands that tattoos became acceptable. Though I'm sure this makes it sound worse than what I'm actually referring to lol but still notable stereotypes none the less.

So I'm urging for honesty & at least most of the things he's expressed embarrassment about have not made me bat an eye. Except for see multiple paragraphs above. & even some of these things I feel like I have such a softness in my heart for people in their vulnerability, especially when they aren't doing anything wrong but culturally have been made to think so for some reason, I feel very happy to reaffirm that what he's said is totally normal & accepted & at least it doesn't bother me so he can be real about it with me. & I imagine how nice that must be for someone. Not only to be judged about weird nothing things all the time but have someone who won't judge you for those things but instead accept & reinforce your feelings weren't wrong. & you don't have to hide yourself with that person.

I had been thinking about what can you really do to be home for someone ? I can hold someone tightly & pet them soothingly. & maybe to some people that might not be enough, but I am imagining the sentiment for someone who preference is to stay home anyway. It's meaningful to me & perhaps means more than being bought anything you could want.

& it's refreshing to me to be able to disagree without it automatically becoming an argument or told that I'm retarded. Instead talking about why we feel the way we do so we can see the other person's perspective, even if we're like "I understand where you're coming from but I feel the opposite & here's why." & no one is mad or raised their voice.

Though I did raise my voice at him the other night by accident & then died laughing because the whole thing was so funny. I laughed too loud because it was too funny. & then I was embarrassed I laughed so loud & he definitely did not think it was as funny. But part of the laughter was by the embarrassment I felt.

He's telling me he's mr big clean but I notice his apartment & car are not always so clean & slowly he is accumulating garbage in his vehicle... I also noticed he doesn't clean the snow off the roof of his car which is super dangerous because sometimes there's solid ice under the snow that can come off while you're driving & kill someone. I know cos it almost happened to my mom's car when I was a kid. So i been telling him you gotta clean the top of your car & he's like but it's cold outside & I'm like yeah, but you could kill someone & this fucker tells me he doesn't care. I'm like clean your fucking car. So he's saying this time about how he's accumulating too much garbage in his car & I'm back on like you gotta be on top of this because if you don't start taking care of it then it's going to become a bigger problem & I have no idea why but like right then he asked me to throw out one of his cans for him & I just said something like "Are you fucking kidding me ?" Because my sentiment was I am telling him to do something personal to him, like, he should be doing it on his own, why am I doing it ?? Like, no, it's definitely not a problem that he asked, it wasn't a big deal, there is nothing wrong with me doing that, I recognized even in the moment it was funny he asked & then he was like wow I do literally everything for you & never ask for anything in return & you can't throw away one can for me. I conceded I would take the can because it's not a big deal but I could not stop laughing. I must have looked insane. But we were cozy & snuggling in the car after, so I suppose it didn't matter. I threw away his stupid can.

Though he does ask me to do weird things that I think are perfectly normal but they're just not things I would ask someone to do so I think I feel a little jarred when he asks & my immediate reaction is like what's your angle ? What mind game is this ? & it's probably nothing tbh I think he's just asking me to help him with something inconsequential, idk why I get so weird about it. Meanwhile I do other small household tasks without being asked.

I think I get worried about being forced to do something or slowly pushing boundaries to see what someone can get away with.

[angelmothman]

the spirits keep sending me dudes with finance neurosis & as bothered as I might get that a dude isn't handing me money, I do recognize it's exactly what I need as a women who loves to go shopping lol

[angelmothman]

haven't heard from him since earlier before work ended so of course it's making me feel ignored though I recognize the possibility he fell asleep. Understanding I have little reason to be upset.

It's okay to feel neglected & ignored but as an adult it shouldn't be something I get hung up on. Though if he mentions not hearing from me then I would be honest & say I don't play desperation games & will just wait for you because I assume you're busy. I feel like I've been very clear about this from the beginning.

It just bothers me even if I don't want it to & think it shouldn't.

[angelmothman]

I started to really want to feel what it was like to be adored & coveted. Especially in a life where I think people see me as a second thought or a nuisance. Even if they didn't actually feel that way, they do nothing to actually show I'm not a massive irritation to everyone around me. But I also don't know if it's the idea of self image reflects onto the people around you & they treat you as such ?

So I'd obtained boyfriend on my second gacha pull.

Except for appearance I'd say he's pretty much exactly what I wanted. Though even that is slightly ambivalent. Of course being loose in parameters. It is wild to me to say things that I'd wanted & I'd pulled someone who just volunteers these things by his own volition.

Though a part of my issue is being solitary & not depending on others exactly for emotional support, nor ever really having experience in a physically intimate or romantic relationship... I feel like I never know what to say or do but he affirms he thinks everything is swimming.

Though one of my biggest complaints is a lack of real interpersonal knowledge. I'm very analytical, real & at arm's length. Which obviously negates building close bonds. So I can't really navigate a convergence of to give space neutrally while trying to make sure affection is present. I know this probably sounds like an oxymoron or an impossibility, or just plain weird & unnecessary over thinking, but I feel like the way my brain, emotions & processing work are a bit black & white for something like this... Even if I'm not usually a black & white thinker.

It's like, if I am going to want someone, then I just kind of want them & I don't really know how to navigate wanting someone when they're busy ? Because having the at arm's length approach is like; I'm ignoring you until you want me. Or perhaps neither of us exist unless you tell me we do. So if I am being told I have to be emotive to show affection, I have a hard time to handle if I don't receive attention. Like a cat.

Which I know is also unfair because it's like if I am doing something I am very happy to ignore everything else but what I'm doing, no matter how long what I'm doing actually takes. So it's equal effort & treatment that I would be treated the same.

But also my boyfriend works. Which is totally fine, but where it gets confusing for me is every work day is not the same. So some days he can talk to me randomly throughout the work day but others he can't. & it's even more confusing because I end up thinking if it's going to be a busy day then I should just leave him to it & not get in his way or otherwise distract him, but then he just ends up messaging me anyway ? It's just kinda weird to me when he disappears. Because I feel like idk if I'm being annoying or if it's actually a busy moment ?

& he swears up & down I'm not annoying & don't get to be too much, saying he wants a partner who is overbearing... But I'm confused when I think he should be off the clock & I just don't hear anything ? Or if it's like I say something & he never responds & then I say something else & he immediately responds ?

I think a lot of the problem is we're both just garbage at communication & have set a weird standard that maybe we both don't actually like but neither of us want to say anything about it for fear of over stepping boundaries ? Because since the beginning I didn't take the relationship seriously, moreso saying before he'd actually officially asked me to be his girlfriend. I didn't put too much emphasis on his existence or our interactions. So it was normal from the beginning that I would just randomly stop talking to do something else or just go to bed or something. & I think he then mirrors that behavior, which I don't actually think is really a problem either. He'd also mentioned having periods of depression which of course I have the same thing, & I believe with that was saying that maybe there are times he's kinda just not going to respond & it's not personal. I think maybe I would prefer if he just said "I'm a little depressed today, everything's fine & I don't need any help but I might not really be present for communication." Then we could both do the same. But if that gets put in place, it's also probably a good idea to be direct about other things too & start trying to be on top of saying when we're sleeping or otherwise in dispose. At least then I wouldn't feel ignored. I don't even want to bring it up though it's been bothering me, I just feel stupid to be bothered but also think maybe he does feel similar ?

I also have this weird paranoia about cheating that doesn't make any sense because I am cheating but also I don't think it should be viewed as cheating either. Which i understand is probably a very divisive thing to say. I think honestly what I wanted was more than friends with benefits but not something exclusive or serious. But I think he wants something serious. & the thing is it's very possible we could just be together for years, but I have prior obligations also. & I don't think in the long run it should really matter. I think both of my partners know about eachother but refuse to ask me straight up about it because knowing would be worrisome whereas without the confirmation they can fall back on ignorance is bliss.

Basically, I doubt my partner is going to feel any type of way but supportive or thinking it's hot. The only reason I haven't said anything is because I think there is going to be an immediate negative gut reaction before they realize it actually is something that doesn't effect them in any way. I think my boyfriend would be upset from jealousy but I think the longer we're together the more he'd have to accept it never effected our relationship in anyway & what matters is whether or not he actually wants me. But also anything can happen.

I don't feel good about it but I also don't think what I'm doing is bad. & it's not from a point of lying to myself, but instead weighing the pros & cons as an adult. It isn't done in a way to emasculate anyone or make anyone jealous or hurt, it's two completely separate & different relationships. Non consensual polyamory that I don't want to force but think neither party should care because it doesn't effect anyone & if they accepted to it then I think for them nothing would even change. So I don't know. I know I have to accept that I'm a horrible bastard man for this one. Even if the cost is virtually nothing.

But idk, because with that being said, I then shouldn't care if my boyfriend was cheating on me. & like, I don't think he even is, it's just that things line up really weird. Like I always had this weird feeling but idk it's probably nothing but I seen a cross stitch in his car & it just really looked like someone else was in the passenger seat despite him saying he doesn't drive. & he keeps asserting no one comes to his apartment & I'm like, by repeating that so many times makes it sound like it's what you're not saying ? But like I said, it really can't matter to me. It's not pulling a fast one on me or tricking me so much as it's adults living their own lives & making their own decisions. Even if I knew I wouldn't say anything either because why is that my business ?

But idk because I also know I'm just a paranoid guy. Like, I really don't think he lies to me. But I don't lie to him either. Like in the beginning I told him I was never going to look at his phone because it's not my business & is that setting myself up for something ? But he's lent his phone screen in my direction & I'm pretty sure once I saw pictures of a women who looked nothing like me & idk what that was or like how I guess he has a Facebook that he was unclear to me about. But again, these are all petty kid irritants. Like, it kinda looked like he was looking at porn & like word okay, if he had porn open, what do I care ? & like word, we don't need to be Facebook friends & I think it might actually be better for both of us if we aren't. But I'd also seen conversations with other women & it makes me feel insane because it's like damn dude, I'm an adult, why am I getting silly about this ? Like, I know it's all meaningless. I don't know why I even get to thinking about it & then I get mad at myself cos I'm like damn, you're thirty, what are you even being like this over ? But one was a women thanking him for something, which again, I'm sure it's nothing. But then it also have me thinking like he told me he was friends with one of his exes, which I also don't think means anything at all because he already explained the relationship & break up to me in a completely palatable way where's it's like I don't even remotely feel concerned. Though also never told me her name despite telling me everyone else's ? But again it's like damn, if you didn't show me your phone screen I wouldn't be over thinking & then I could have the ignorance is bliss lmfao

But also like, I'm schizophrenic.

I get really emotive, but not enough symptoms to qualify as borderline. My interpersonal relationships are reasonable & I try my best not to bother anyone or get in anyone's way. I don't try to hurt people or demand attention. But I did get weirdly upset one day after he snipped at me. I was upset that I thought he was going to break up with me over a joke. & I guess he did get weirdly upset which he later conceded was entirely uncalled for. I have a strong feeling he is the type of person who can't understand when I am joking & if I were to say something playful about him he may immediately take it as an insult & think I am out to get him. So I am watching his reactions & trying to make sure he knows there is no reason for me to actually say anything negative about him at all.

It may sound counterproductive but actually my goal was learning how to be a more caring & patient person. These trials are necessary for me & exactly what I wanted.

Like, I am constantly arguing with myself over breaking up because my natural state is solitary & rejecting love & affection, but I'm also dying for it. I really want someone to treat me with love & care. & all my reasons for breaking up are honestly petty & defeatist anyway. I stg it's just a weird powerplay I start to do. Like getting weirdly convinced someone needs to be punished when they didn't even do anything wrong. So I am being very critical of myself when I get these weird thoughts. I haven't told him though, idk if it's worth it to say ? Maybe in a longer relationship. It would probably be far too jarring to hear now. & I guess he say he's always worried about being broken up with. One day I went to his apartment & he told me he thought I was coming over to break up with him & I was like why would I even come over then ?

But idk. I'm selling underwear to perverts & decided I would share the underwear pictures with my goon squad & first my boyfriend seemed so jazzed & was saying I should always feel safe & encouraged to send him anything, whereas my partner kind of ignored me. But because the reaction was so good, I sent additional pictures the next day thinking I was being nice & doing a good service & I basically got ignored ? by both. & idk, I think maybe my boyfriend is worried about being perceived as objectifying me or putting too much emphasis on sexuality in the relationship, but I honestly felt so dissed to basically be ignored. & like, I guess he was working on an autism passion project, that it's likely he could not have been bothered with a boner in that moment, but it still bothered me. Like damn dude, just say "no boners now please, autism moment." Then I could be like "okay, let me know when I can send them later." Because to be fair, I wasn't sexting, I was just sending salacious photo because I wanted to. I was at least just expecting to be told "hell yeah" or something idk ?

Either way I know he's into me because he adapted to talking like me lol

One other thing that made me weirdly paranoid is talking on ___ has the away messages & statuses. There's a weird glitch that happens on my end sometimes where the conversations randomly disappear. It does make me paranoid to think he randomly blocked me for some reason despite him saying he would never do that because he's a genuine guy & would just tell me if something bothered him... He said he never saw it on his end but I think ended up changing his status to away maybe thinking it would fix the issue ? Because he never told me he was going to do that or explained it to me beforehand which I think is even more odd because he told me when he was deleting his dating profile so I wouldn't think it was something against me... Unless he blocked me on dating ? So now I never see when he's online & it's just weird to me.

[angelmothman]

Much like with any milestone it's a celebration to watch myself cut deeper & with more ease with a dull knife *drooling emoji I can't seem to use on this device

[angelmothman]

When I can go back to my room not only can I sleep with my inanimate husband but I can cut myself if I want to. I'm so tired of sleeping without him & hurting my neck & back on the couch. I am so tired of overwhelming nagging to slice gills into me. Maybe I won't even act on it, but I feel better knowing whenever I wanted to I can have the satisfaction of seeing the skin pull apart & Knowing I can breathe better through the incisions.

[angelmothman]

randomly my roommate decided they were very physically ill.. & I know that’s a really weird thing for me to say. but i’m not actually sure they are. Like, I’m sure they have some type of issue, but they keep making it out to be some dire life threatening thing where they could die at any moment.

a couple weeks ago they started acting like a bitch & called an ambulance. it’s not the first time they’ve done something like that, but i wouldn’t say it happens often either. I feel like the last time it happened was seven years ago maybe. 

I know they are under a lot of stress at work & within the past few months did sustain quite a bit of stress at home as well during the time we renovated the upstairs... but the upstairs has been done for maybe two months now i think, so it’s not like the renovation should be stressing them out anymore.

they said they used to work every day & never had a break because corona stripped most of the workers from the restaurant they work at. & it’s annoying because I had been saying the whole time restaurants shouldn’t have been considered essential & grocery stores should have just stayed twenty four hours. the whole thing is beyond retarded to me. 

i am disabled & was diagnosed professionally with a disability while I was a child. My diagnosis will never change, except maybe it might get worse, the reason I don’t claim full government benefits is because I have to see a therapist & psychiatrist for them to reassess me & have it on paper. I haven’t done this because I was worried about transportation, but lately I started thinking that if I enrolled somewhere downtown then perhaps I could take a bus? I am thinking about doing so in the near(ish) future.

but due to the disability my roommate takes care of me & provides for me. It’s been this way since we were seventeen or so. I feel bad about it, & I was planning to apply for a job at the general store up the street, the thing that had been holding me off was trying to orchestrate an appointment for one of my cats who has been having issues where she just never stops being in heat. Because we are poverty, neither of us have a cellphone & we were able to get a landline on our internet plan, so that’s what we did. But because I had to wait around at home for these calls I was unable to leave to go to an interview or even pick up my prescriptions.

The good news is that my cat has an appointment & will be going tomorrow, so after her recovery which will be about a week, I can apply. & I know one of my friends was looking for a dishwasher, which I don’t really think I want to do, but if the general store doesn’t pan out then I guess I’ll look into doing the dish washing.

the restaurant never closed all of Corona though. The number of staff slimmed to next to none but business stayed the same. Now because of unemployment benefits, people refuse to even apply to the restaurant, so they haven’t been able to get any new workers at all. The business has been slipping on a downward spiral for nearly a year now. & my roommate feels they’re carrying the whole restaurant on their back because the other staff member doesn’t do nearly half the work my roommate does, according to them. So to be kind & lenient for the over worked staff, the boss closed the kitchen on Mondays.. Yet, because my roommate has proved themself to be a powerhouse, they are now somehow working more hours six days a week than they did when the kitchen was open every day.

They are an unhealthy person with bad habits. They chainsmoke with cigarettes a lot of the time & had been an alcoholic for a few years now. The only thing that seemed to keep them above others was the fact they didn’t do drugs. But they have always had anxiety disorder, & their mother who is a native woman was allegedly diagnosed with schizophrenia which I know passes to the opposite sex offspring, but we wonder if she was truly schizophrenic since she was clearly an alcoholic & alcoholism can make people insane. Aside from that they had watched their siblings die of various unseen conditions. So it makes their anxiety a lot worse that they are always thinking they are going to die since their family died unexpectedly around them.

But they are also very stupid. Because if you’re so worried about dying from cancer, why would you smoke? If you are so worried about your liver shitting out on you, why would you drink? if you are worried about ripping muscles, why would you lift beyond your means? it all just irritates me. 

I had/ have anxiety too. I was abandoned as a kid & had to do many things by myself. I had admit to psyche ward type hospital with the hopes that there would be something that could be done to help me. I was young, around fourteen or fifteen. I was told I had anxiety & that was it & there was nothing anyone would do for me. Essentially I was told no one cares. & I had been told this since I was small. My mom used to always tell me the world didn’t revolve around me & that life wasn’t fair. She would always say it, so I knew life wasn’t fair & no matter what, it never would be. & I suppose in a way I truly appreciate learning that lesson so young.

At one point I had been enrolled in a dbt type of therapy. What you don’t realize when you’re a kid is that sometimes parents truly don’t care or they can fail, & it’s not just yours but you friends’ & your parents’ parents & continuing outward. That ways of interacting you have picked up or seen others pick up that you or they would find totally normal are completely the opposite & very bad & toxic & may even be repellant towards others. Dbt attempts to teach you appropriate & normal ways of acting that everyone should know.

So when I was in the hospital & knew that I truly was alone, I thought back on the dbt & tried to use it. I was dismissed from the hospital but with nothing fixed, told that I was fine & there was nothing wrong with me, with the new affirmation that you truly are alone in a godless & uncaring world.

I guess my roommate was spoiled to a degree. Perhaps in an attempt by his sister to give him the life & care that she had always wanted that was deprived from her. & as much as we all covet perfect & peaches, this ideation is also flawed. Because when you are spoiled, when you don’t know pain, you don’t learn that the world is truly cold, uncaring & always unfair. 

So despite my studies & my shouldering of knowledge to others, you can’t force anybody to learn or to retain knowledge. & I stand by the concept of learning by being burned. Because little was taught to me without first self immolating. & I have told everyone time & time again when you are tired you have to sleep, because if you don’t your brain will turn against you. & I know how stupid it sounds. But it is the truest statement. Because even I find when I stay up too long that I want to ki__ myself, that Animus/anima will reign a terror upon you. That’s just how it is. 

& they had been staying up late for who knows what reason. I know even I do it, I suppose as an act of rebellion against the self. But rarely does anything good come from it. & so in this state they lost the ability to sleep as the body & brain began to rebel. It create a whirlwind inside of themself to the point where they were sprinting through the house & frightening the cats. Practically running laps in a straight line between the kitchen & livingroom in this extremely tiny house.

& it made me really mad because if I were to act like that I would be told I was psychotic. I would be sent to psyche evaluation, which maybe I need. I was upset because their self rebellion shouldn’t be cast upon the cats & made their problem or made something to cause them unease & concern. 

& it pissed me off because stop flying around the house? I am just trying to chill in my own home, if you want to run then why don’t you go outside & do it? This house is way too small to be hosting any olympic sports or cross country track meets. When I had the fast moving anxiety, I went out & I ran. Why should they behave like this?? There is an entirely open outside that exists with roads & sidewalks to be run on that would not remotely disturb anybody... so why disturb us? it’s rude as fuck.

They pissed off in an ambulance for nine hours only to go into work without any sleep? Telling me the doctors told them sure they had bodily issues & they needed to quit their bad habits as well as stop over eating & eating only processed foods & meals obliterated with salt. They claimed they nearly had a stroke which could be true enough, it is possible & it is worrisome, but aside it all, it was all anxiety which I’m wholly sure came from not sleeping & being over worked.

For days they acted like a little bitch as they stopped smoking with cigarettes & drinking. & I wondered how long it would last. I did hope the fear truly meant something, because I don’t want them to die on me & leave me all alone when they have been my family far longer than any of my blood relatives. They are so annoying & stupid, but I would be truly broken & lost without them. If one day their existence just faded from me entirely it would truly change me on an atomic level. 

They had cut out many foods, to a degree I assumed was ridiculous. But that seemed to fall off after a week. & already they are smoking with cigarettes again. They tried to tell me “it’s okay to smoke a cigarette once in a while,” but I’m sure they’ve nearly killed the whole pack in a span of twelve hours.

They mentioned two days ago wanting to go to Urgent Care which they tried to pretend didn’t exist before even though I kept telling them they could go to Urgent Care rather than pay the obscene amount of money to ride an ambulance cities away. They were insisting their thyroid was acting up. They love to insist their blood pressure is so high, it’s too high, even though they have nothing to check it with. Now they love to insist their thyroid is out to kill them at any moment even though they have nothing to check it with.

In a way my skepticism is on the fence because Jim Henson wasn’t worried when he was sick & he died far too young from something that shouldn’t even kill people. & it’s very sad. So in a way I understand an importance to check yourself before you wreck yourself & that I can’t tell my roommate how they feel, only they know what it feels like to be in their own body.

But we as people who are wildly uneducated about health concerns/ issues don’t know what is or isn’t something severe. Even I have thought I was going to die or needed to go to the hospital when the only issue was constipation. The difference is I don’t act on it. I don’t have the thing in your head that tells you to seek help outside of the household. I only just did so recently when my period started to behave in a way that I believed to be abnormal, & yet I was told despite the fact my periods seem far worse than any of my peers, I am fine ? I was told nothing is wrong with me. Yet I can’t help but feel like that statement is wildly inaccurate.

So once more they have gone to Urgent Care after leaving work early after staying up too late. I am amazed how they could just leave their job claiming their thyroid was out to kill them & act so caught up in a whirlwind like everyone needed to stop & care for them.. & expecting everyone around them to do various form of care for them. Expecting me to take them to the Urgent Care when they won’t accompany me to appointments. Expecting their own boss to act as their personal taxi service. Being rude to the cats who wanted to offer them love, care & concern. How can you be so conceited?

I think about how horrible it was to learn the world was so uncaring when I desperately wanted anyone to be there at all, like I had seen other kids with loving & doting families who would do anything for them. But I learned of death young, as well as neglect & isolation & the hollowness of existence. I wonder about my occult practiced peers who I have also seen cry out into the void begging for care & affirmation of the self. There is no one truly but yourself. 

I was in awe & shame of my peers for behaving so foolishly as to believe they mattered on a cosmic scale at any level greater than being a shadow of a life for a handful of internet voyeurs to peer through. There is only the self.

& even I spiraled into my own psychotic episode, by myself on hard wood floors. My cats could not help me, no human was there. There was no need to pick up a phone to beckon to someone who would not understand nor have the time. & as I lay in heaps & hysterics, I was once again reminded of the vast loneliness of existence. There is no one by the self, & no matter who or what you are, the world will never care. 

[angelmothman]

i have to go to the post office & a part of me is really anxious that i need to get this over with but the post office isn’t open yet so then because i’m anxious to hurry up & go it’s making me feel very scared about going outside.

I was going to go yesterday but i ended up canceling because i got really tired & it was raining & today is ten degrees warmer & isn’t supposed to rain that I figured it would just be easier, but i feel guilty that i’ve taken so long to ship the package even though it’s like one day longer than normal.

Also i used a different shipping method for this one & this is my first time using this one so i am very scared. I think I am going to have to ask the post office for help & pay them the shipping which isn’t a big deal but i feel like such a small idiot man to go in & be like hello please help me i have no idea what is happening & i’m frightened

I was trying to go to bed at night & last week i had mania for three or four days where i just didn’t eat or sleep & then i was severely depressed where i swear to you i slept for three days straight. Like, sure i got up & ate something & moved around but most of the time i was only up for like two hours before going back to bed for like another six. & i figured that’s fine because i needed to make up for the sleep i lost, but at the same time it’s also a little bit frightening to feel so tired & like you can’t do anything at all...

so i started to feel another mania set in this morning. I find that I’m having nightmares when i sleep & i’m avoiding sleep, but i’m not avoiding sleep because of the nightmares. I’m mostly avoiding it to rebel against myself when i have the mania. So this morning I started folding clothes & playing video games & at five this morning, even knowing i was planning to wake up between nine & ten I was like yeah this is a good time to go to sleep because i’ve had this amount of sleep before & been fine. & i ended up laying in bed for hours & at seven i was like alright, i guess that’s it.

i would have liked to have gone to the post office then. I’m not really tired now but when you’re ready to go & are forced to just anticipate something for hours it’s a really counter productive feeling. I really wish i had cigarettes, but i think maybe i just might wear a hat today

[angelmothman]

facebook keep tryna pummel me with that new adventure time special & i’m saying i wanna see it honestly but i haven’t watched adventure time like that. When it came out i thought it looked really cute & i really appreciated the humor & idea of the show but i think when it actually came out i didn’t have cable so i couldn’t watch it, & although I had watched episodes of the first season here & there, I had a conflict with the people around me where it seemed like half the people around me were saying how good it was & the other half would belittle me if i expressed interest in watching it. I remember the end of season four & beginning of season five because everyone was talking about it & i know that I was watching the episodes but looking back on it now & trying to remember i literally do not even know how i was watching them because again, i didn’t have cable or a laptop.. but i remember watching them & being like damn that was fucked up.. & then shortly thereafter I was adopted & my brother would put me down for watching the program so I was like ok i guess i just won’t watch it then & pretty much never picked it up since. I was like okay, let’s see how many episodes there are & i was really like wow damn, I did not realize it went on for as long as it did. I really thought it ended after season five. & because I like watching disturbing content countdown on youtube I was watching one that was like most fucked up episodes that aired on cartoon network & they were talking about the finale so of course I was interested & i feel like damn, I really want to watch that show.. but it be feeling kinda like Naruto to me where it seems like it’s really long & i’m saying I never watched Avatar Airbender until a few months ago & I did end up really liking it that when I was watching it I was feeling very upset because I really didn’t want it to end as quickly as it did, i was really hoping there would be more adventures with those friends I made. But i’m saying, I don’t do anything with my life ever that i definitely have the time to watch Adventure Time & i guess i should because I been complaining about oh i need something new to watch... & even though I know it’s not like a baby show, I still get this weird distress like noo you can’t watch it because you were too late.. which is how I feel about playing the Kingdom Hearts games even though everyone I know who’s played them are always telling me I should just play them because they always been good but I’m saying damn i sure hope you aren’t nostalgia blinded cos I’m saying people don’t get the appeal of the old games i stake my life on either..

[angelmothman]

i’m poverty so when it’s thanksgiving my household can pretty much only buy the fixin’s for thanksgiving & it’s really frustrating to me because my room mate expects us to eat thanksgiving leftovers for every meal for the whole week & it’s like i have absolutely zero issue with eating them for like lunch or dinner but it’s like i have nothing but thanksgiving leftovers to eat for breakfast & it makes me want to cry because if i say something to them they’re just going to tell me we don’t have any money, can’t afford groceries & that we already have food but it’s like please god i cannot eat this for breakfast i need cereal or something light lord help me !!

[angelmothman]

i am so stressed out