angelios-the-dragon - Tumblr blog

[angelios-the-dragon]

Entry #8 Dec/22nd/2020 [THE END]

Well, it has been over 3 years since I first laid eyes on whatever the name of the man this blog was dedicated to is; and about a year since my last post. As usual, I thought I would not be posting here anymore, but alas, I guess it is time for a last update and to officially declare this narrative as concluded. 

As of the middle of this year, Georgie had already left my thoughts almost entirely, and the few times he would ever show up again, it would not be under the same light as before. Nevertheless, there was there is something else that has completely conquered my mind, my heart, and my soul. Pretty crazy to think, for the 0 people who have been following this story, that this day would come, let alone so soon. That is right, I have found somebody else that has completely infatuated me. Someone who took my breath away. But that is not all of it, he also has fallen for me, and I could not be any happier. Whereas with my other failed attempts at love, this one was not even an attempt, which says everything to me. It was the most organic of occurrences. It just happened, out of the blue and so unexpected.

It is so gratifying being able to call a feeling true love when you know it is true. As opposed to my feelings with Georgie, which I never really considered to be really love, this is something I can be sure of, not just because I know how I feel, but because I trust when this new man tells me he loves me. But I will not forget Georgie, just like I will not forget any of my prior romances, be them one-sided or not. It is funny how much a person who pays absolutely not mind to me could impact my life so much. I learned many things about love and myself falling for Georgie and I grew a lot as a person, and now it is all being payed back tenfold. He will never know all he did for me, and I am fine with that. As a matter of fact, I am more than pleased with the way things turned out. I would change not a single second of my past, because ultimately, it all led to where I am right now.

Now I have someone new to write about, someone to dedicate all my poems and all my songs, and this time these words are of true love and they are all being reciprocated. I am positive this is going in a beautifully good way and we will get very far together as a couple. It is hard to describe, but when you know, you know. Patience has yielded its fruit and it is very sweet.

Thank you, Georgie, for everything. I hope that, wherever you are, you find happiness the way that I have found mine, and that you learn and keep on learning the way that I am, or even better. You really did something on me that I will never forget, but the story ends here for the image of you and my mind. Goodbye.

[angelios-the-dragon]

Entry #7 Feb/28th/20

It is kind of unbelievable that it has been almost 2 years since my last entry. This blog was dedicated to document the journey of my perdition in a love interest that never happened to be. Til this very day I still think of him almost every day, granted, not under the same light as before. I guess, and I’m pretty sure I mentioned it on a previous entry, that because this man fit into my every standard and I was able to picture each other so perfectly together, that I had such a hard time getting over him. It was very hard to let go of that ideal. That dream that was not meant to be, but I have. However, I still have the same goals and standards as I did back then when I fell for him, so it’s going to take another superman to take the place he took in my realm of dreams and hopes. I only hope next time a guy like him crosses paths with me, that he truly be the one with whom I will exchange hearts, and not just have mine stolen. 

[angelios-the-dragon]

5. Daydream What do you do when you daydream and those dreams drive your head crazy and the same dreams break your heart apart because those glorious dreams will never come true? How to move on from the deepest desires of the heart? How to be patient when you’ve been waiting for so long? Why is it that we always want what we do not have? And why do we let cravings run our lives? Every day that passes, I remind myself of what I lack When my mind wanders it always goes to the same place When I’m happy I’m sad Because my happiness is not shared with the one that I want My mind is smart and strong I know what is good for me and the things I need to do But my heart is soft and full of holes It just wants to be filled with love and hope Is in daydreams where I live Or is it just a very long nightmare? Will I ever wake up Or do I have to wait for someone to wake me up? Comment échappez-vous à une rêverie?

Angelios

[angelios-the-dragon]

Entry #6 Aug/23rd/18

So I thought that I was not going to post an entry again but well, here I am. Hello. Not good news really. In fact, the quite opposite. If you read my last post you already have an idea what this is about. I have not gone over my crush, which is crazy. It’s been almost 4 months since I confessed and got rejected, and I still think about him. It is terrible.

I don’t remember if I’ve mention this before, but this isn’t the first time I ask someone out like this. I’ve done it already and went almost the same way. He was very cool with it but straight so said no. And I was ok with it. He was very nice and all and I was just happy and relieved I had been open about my feelings. The difference is that that time I moved on quite fast. Now I’m having the time of my life trying to erase this guy from my mind and heart.

Ive been doing an effort on not going to buy coffee from him. In the last two weeks I only bought once lmao. But it is progress! However, I still go there every time one of my friends wants to buy coffee, so I pretty much still see him every day. Guess I’ll make a greater effort next time and simply say no when one of my friends wants to go there.

It can really be toxic behaving like that, specially when the one doing the damage is oneself. I don’t even know what music to listen to to not think about him. I’m really lost in this. And as I said in my previous post, it’s awful understanding your own feelings but not being able to move on from them.

Last week (and this is a funny story) I was drawing at like 1 am on my bed. I was drawing a random face. In my mind I was drawing a girl, initially, but as I kept drawing I noticed it looked more like a man, so I kept going with a man now. Once I had a good portion of the face done I was like ‘wait a minute’ I gave it a good look and was like “hmmmmmmm this looks familiar. Let’s draw some glasses to it” already knowing where I was going with that. It ended up looking extremely similar to my crush. I swear it was accidental, although I would understand why you wouldn’t believe me. But, trust me, I’m not that good of a drawer.

I was a little scared by this and kind of couldn’t believe myself. I thought “there is no way I could draw him without a reference” so I went to his instagram which is conveniently in my recent searches. And did not spend time there at all since I noticed something I hadn’t before. In his username he has 98. Now this is just a theory, but you know that many many people add their birth year to their usernames. I mean, I don’t know why else he would add 98 to his username if it isn’t his year. This would mean he is actually a year younger than me. To be honest, I really thought he might be older since that’s the look he gives off. And I am more attracted towards older guys. In fact, them being younger kind of makes me uncomfortable (daddy issues I guess (((((jk)))))).

After this realization I though I was going to have a much easier time getting over him. I had now found the dealbreaker [as if him being straight wasn’t good enough]. DIDN’T WORK!

What am I supposed to do now? I don’t know. I just know I hate him and myself for all of this. (Or at least I wish it was like that)

[angelios-the-dragon]

The worst kind of jealousy?

Today I was with my best friend, going to buy coffee at the coffee shop where my crush who already rejected me (thank you) works. I didn’t buy coffee. Instead, I went to the shop right next to buy some nice fries. My friend did go and bought some coffee and my dude served him. As I was waiting not-so patiently for my fries I was watching my friend and my crush talking on the coffee shop, and I usually get anxious when I’m near him since, well, he’s my crush. I noticed they were exchanging a few more words that the usual.

[I have to clarify that my only connection to this guys is the fact that he works where he works and me and my friends go buy there. He knows my friends and viceversa because of me. And because of the same reason they actually kind of get along, but it never goes beyond a friendly greeting. Until today]

So, I got my fries and my friend his coffee and and we were now together again and he started talking to me about his little conversation my man, and it was just a regular getting-to-know-each-other type of little chat. Nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever and nothing anyone should or would give a second thought to... unless you’re me.

So, my interactions with this guy so far has been no more that give me my coffee and that’s it [except for the time when I asked his name and out]. So I really do not know anything about him. And there was nothing to know about him besides the fact that he is straight, so my chances with him are below 0. My friend is also straight, if that was worth noting. So there is really no reason why I should be jealous. I know that. In understand that. Yet, here I am. And it pains me.

It pains me feel jealous and it pains me knowing that I feel jealous for a situation I have the least reasons and rights to feel jealous about. I just can’t help wanting to be the one that gets to know him and laughs with him and becomes close with him. I hate not being able to move on and I hate being such a bitch. And I hate, more than anything, being perfectly aware of my emotions, being able to pinpoint them, but not being able to control them.

[angelios-the-dragon]

Why do I still want him to like me so badly

[angelios-the-dragon]

Do you ever

Listen to a song and think about your crush because you feel it relates so much to your situation, but at the end it is just a crush and nothing ever happens between you and that person and you already got over it, but still, every time you listen to that song it reminds you of that insignificant person in your life and you feel like you shouldn’t be thinking of someone else while listening to it because you are being unfaithful to the one that was never yours to be faithful to? Cause I do.

[angelios-the-dragon]

Entry #5 May/15th/18

Ok, so i thought I wasn’t going to write another entry, at least not this soon after, but I just can’t right now. It’s been not even been two weeks and I’m already loosing my mind. So let me go into detail of what’s been going on since my last update.

So I believe on Tuesday after my last post what happened was that I went to buy coffee, and I was doing line. There was only one dude in front of me and my boy Georgie (I’m going to keep calling him that just for old time’s sake) was in cashier. So I was like “ok right I’m gonna have to face him right now, great!” I was trying to be cool about, and probably if he had served me it probably would have gone ok and manageable. However it didn’t happen that way. Before the dude before me left, another guy came to the other cashier and he served me. Not gonna lie, I was relieved. This other guy I also knew (By now I already know the whole staff lmao) and he’s actually pretty nice and friendly. I know him besides the fact that I’ve seen him several times already, but because a friend of mine asked him for his Facebook since she found him cute. The guy started talking to me going like “Hey, your friend didn’t reply anymore” and he was just talking about her and I’m here like “well, my friend, what can I do? Lol”. And we were just having a small conversation there but I was very conscious that Georgie was a meter away listening to us and once again, I was making the best of efforts to avoid make any kind of eye contact. At, some point my friendly friend I was talking to made a comment to which Georgie replied and I didn’t even turn my head. Short story short. I left and that night I became paranoid thinking that Georgie probably thinks I either hate him or I am irreparably heartbroken. Neither of them being true. I was just feeling awkward.

The next day I don’t even remember if I went for coffee or not. The next day tho! The next day I had zero classes so I stayed home all day. That Thursday night I wanted some tea but there was none of the apple and cinnamon tea that I love so much left, only the camomile one, which I also love but was not feeling like having it. So I decided to prepare some coffee. I don’t remember whether I mentioned this or not, but I stopped making myself coffee at home. Since I was having coffee at school almost everyday, I thought that also be making coffee at home would be way too much so I limited myself to have coffee from Georgie. And that day that I prepared coffee at home, it felt so weird, I felt I was being unfaithful to Georgie. Isn’t that... pathetic? It actually really made me feel bad. It was like actually letting go this time.

The next day, on Friday, I only went to my Japanese class as every Friday so I didn’t even show up at the cafeteria, meaning no crush to be seen. However, during the weekend, although not all throughout the day, I would still think of him from time to time.

I was already feeling pretty terrible that I was clinging to this feeling but now today, it just got worse. It was already the end of the day, my duties were over, and i was just spending some quality time with a friend at the cafeteria playing smash bros on our 3Ds, eating and chatting. At around 8:25 pm, right before they would close the shop, I went to buy myself some coffee, from affar I could see that Georgie was not on the cashier so I thought there wouldn’t be any awkwardness going on. I went there, ordered my coffee, and as I was doing so, Georgie (that was over there in the shop doing I don’t know what) quickly turns over at me, because obviously he can always tell whenever I’m there, it’s like magic, and waves at me with his beautifully awful smile. I I just wave back at him with the most awkward hand and smile ever. I think even the guy taking my order felt the awkwardness.

After that I did feel... happy. It was cute and all but right now I’m just like what the heck are you playing at with me. I don’t even know what to think. I’m probably overreacting and shouldn’t think much of it. But why!? I mean, he’s a supposedly straight guy to whom I asked out and clarified I did not want a friendship with. I made my intentions pretty clear, I believe, so why would he try to be so friendly towards me?

I don’t know. I’m weak. He makes me feel weak. And I’m trapped inside a world of illusions, fantasy and overthought paranoia. Plus, I just became obsessed with the album Red by Taylor Swift and I just can’t deal with this when each song reminds me of him. Damn you, Taylor.

Aaaaaanyways. Thank you for reading me and wish me luck since I’m gonna need it all. Good luck, please.

[angelios-the-dragon]

Entry #4 May/7th/2018

So, it’s been almost two months since my last entry, and I know I said they were not going to be as often but this time I really did take my time since nothing relevant happened... until last Wednesday. So that day was actually a particularly normal day. I was not feeling incredible nor super cute or anything. I just felt at some point that I had had enough. 

At around 8 pm I was still in class watching a cute documentary about a river in Japan. It was interesting, but not enough as to keep me sat down away from my thoughts. I made my mind, stood up and got out of the classroom very dramatically. Not really. I actually just walked out as if I was going to the restroom. I was going to the restroom, in fact. Once I stepped out of the room, my bladder actually got nervous and well, I had to pee. But as soon as I peed, I ran straight to the cafeteria where I would finally, without even trying to purchase another cup of coffee, ask him not only his name, but also out.  As I was walking, I was trying my best to relax. It’s funny how I work so much better under pressure. Knowing that I was in the middle of my class; that it was now or never; that I was not even going to pretend to buy anything so there was no excuse; really set me up for the action. I was ready... Kind of. 

I arrived at the cafeteria, but before entering, I watched through the glass door (which, since it was dark outside, kept me well hidden) if he was there at the coffee shop. He was, but not alone. There were many of his co-workers, and a couple of people on the bar buying stuff.I immediately got scared and was about to chicken out. I walked for a couple of seconds in circles trying to channel my inner me that is actually very outgoing, fearless and courageous. Before actually getting there I lost sight of him. He was nowhere to be found at the bar anymore. I got worried. And then, he comes out from the exit hallway a few meters away from the shop walking towards the little metal table where you prepare your coffee. 

It was my chance, and I actually said out loud: “This is my chance!”. I walked in very determined ready to pop the question. I approached him, and while I thought I was going fast but steady and relaxed, I probably didn’t look that way. When I reached the table he reacted somewhat like “Woah woah calm down buddy. Stop right there”. He didn’t say it, but his face and body language definitely did. It made me laugh, though. And so I finally spoke up: -Hey! Hi!  -Oh, hi...?  -Hey, I wanted to ask you... hm, what’s your name? -Me? My name is Angel. [Such a fitting name for a angel’s face] -Oh, hi, I’m Angelios. I obviously said my real name to him -Ah, nice to meet you, Angelios.  As he stretched my hand in a very friendly manner. And before he was even able to let go of me, I asked -Well, hm, I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while. Would you go out with me? -Go out? As in, you... and me... to know each other? -Yes! Exactly that. -Ah, oh, hm... are you gay? His face at this point was not so much of being weirded out, more like, genuinely curious. Or at least that’s what I want to believe.  -Yes, I am -Oh, well, but I’m not gay. But we could still be friends if you want to. That was actually so sweet of him, although I didn’t give it too much importance at the moment. Through in my head I was just thinking “Ok, it was a no. Time to leave lol” -Hmmmmm... Nah, that’s ok. But thank you!  I said with an ear to ear smile. Which was not fake, by the way. I was truly happy at that moment, and so I left.  I left the place almost running but also almost jumping out of contempt. I was feeling so happy with myself for being honest and I was so relieved I had a weight off my shoulders. I ran smiling all the way to my classroom and got there all flushed, hyperventilated, with the lingering smile still on me. And that was it. I was very happy, but I will not lie when I tell you that it was a disappointment. I had a lot of illusions, but then again, I created them myself. I don’t blame me, but well... whatever. By now, Monday, five days later, I’m already getting over it, I think. I still think of him a lot, but every day there’s improvement. I’ve never really had trouble getting over people since I don’t like to hang on to feelings, nor people, nor illusions that I know have 0 chance of happening. Which is good.  Today I went to buy coffee after not going on neither Thursday nor Friday, and he was there. He didn’t serve me, and I did my best not to make eye contact, but I did notice that he noticed me and I don’t know. Maybe I am just hanging on to him a little. But well, it’s going to be over soon. Until then, I will keep buying my coffee since now it’s an addiction, but I am definitely not giving up on love. A friend of mine actually told me that I put a lot of effort on finding someone for me, but I don’t realize and that I am someone that will be found. I think that is one of the cutest things someone has ever said to me and it has helped me a lot just thinking that way to be more positive and optimistic.  Anyways, too much rambling. Thank for reading me. Bye :]

[angelios-the-dragon]

That’s me

[angelios-the-dragon]

1. Sunflower I grow chasing the sun From the moment it goes up It runs away from me To the moment it goes down It hides from me I crave for a glance from the sun Its warmth, its light I crave for the day the sun starts chasing me The day I face east And wait every morning for its kiss

Angelios

[angelios-the-dragon]

Entry #3 Mar/22/2018

So it’s been like two weeks since my last entry, and well, I did say that updates would not be as frequent unless something significant happens. Don’t get excited, nothing happened. But I’ve been feeling a bit down and thoughtful (more thoughtful than down) and that made me want to write a little. 

Until now, I haven’t asked for his name. It really intimidates me and I never feel like it’s a good moment to do so. Today I almost felt like I could, but my insecurities were stronger. What gets me down is how easy it is for me to feel like I am deeply in love. 

As I approached him today, I saw his face, and he was dead serious. You know how when you see someone with an idle face and idle pose, they can look somewhat intimidating and not approachable. They might look angry or sad just by having a serious face. I bet you all have seen this, or you might have been told to look somewhat mad but you were actually just dead serious. Well, he being just serious doesn’t look like that at all. Even when there’s no emotion in his facial expression, he still looks nice. He looks happy, kind, adorable... SO adorable. He really is a beautiful. He is not intimidating, but I feel intimidated by him. I get nervous, I feel my heart racing, those butterflies in my belly, all that good stuff. And as I get closer to him and say hello, his dead serious demeanor turns into the warmest of smiles. 

Whenever he smiles at me I feel so special, and everything around just blurs into a pink and all that there is to see is him. I hate making it sound like this when he is just someone that serves my coffee, but I can’t stop. Every time I think I’m doing ok, not thinking that much about him, he makes me fall again.

I’ve been reflecting a lot, about my perception of the world, how I perceive other people, and how they perceive me and the world as well. I have always strove to give the best impression of myself. Someone nice, positive and optimistic, because I really am like that, although there are instances in which I act not as nice and make mistakes. I try not to let those mistakes make severe impressions in me but I do try to correct to best of my abilities. The point is, that as I’ve been reflecting about all this, I’ve been looking at how I can make myself look prettier. Not just in appearance, in fact, I think that’s one of the least thinks I should care about. But more on my attitude and personality.

Let me talk a little about appearance first. I bet you all have heard people that say that beauty comes from within. The physique doesn’t really matter. Well, I truly truly truly believe that. 100% believer of inner beauty. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about my face, my clothing, my skin, my hair, my body. I do care a big deal about them, but I know that ultimately, that’s not what really matters. I try to look my best, but I know that if I’m flawed, it’s more than alright, as long as I feel ok with myself and with my flaws. I can’t tell you the amount of times that I’ve met people whom I think are not really attractive, even to the point of saying that they are ugly (I try not to use that word anymore since I find so strong and very... hurtful and unfair). BUT, once I get to know that person and find out how amazing they are, how gentle and nice, and learn to appreciate everything that they have to offer personality-wise, I swear that they become beautiful. Whenever I found the inner beauty in someone, that inner beauty is reflected on the outside. And the reality is that, once you find the inner beauty of someone, whatever is on the outside stop being relevant, or rather, you realize how it never really was relevant. As a good friend of mine would say, you start seeing that person with eyes of love. 

That is why, I try not to focus that much on my physical appearance. I do try to dress nicely and look clean, but I focus more on my inner beauty. I try to always smile; to be as polite as I can be; to listen to people when they want to tell me something, not to interrupt them, and if they are telling me something and are being the center of attention, let them be the center of attention and not take it away from them. Now, when I’m talking to someone and they are telling a story, or sharing their opinion in such detail, I try to stay quite until the very end of their talking, just speaking to let them know I’m still paying attention: “yes” “m hm...” “wow, and then?” Things like that. And once they are finished, instead of jumping and telling MY experience (“It happened just like that to me, let me tell you...” ), or giving them unsolicited advise or telling what I would do or giving them solutions to their problems, I just tell them something to let them know I’m there and I listen to them. I would just say “I understand you”, “I’m here for you” or asking “What are you going to do about it?”, “Are you going to be fine?”. Try to give the person the attention they deserve. Simply, be a good listener, and many little things like that, is what, in my opinion, make a person prettier, and their inner beauty blossom to the outside.

Anyways, I’ll try to be even more positive and more confident about myself, don’t worry too much about what happens next and just think that nothing will happen next if I don’t act now. I’ll relax a little more, and yeah. 

I also was thinking about uploading some of my poetry. Last year after playing Doki Doki Literature Club (lol play it) I got into writing poems and it’s actually a lot of fun and very relieving, so I might try and do that as well, we’ll see.

Thank you for reading and me and wish me luck. I wish the best of lucks right back at you.

[angelios-the-dragon]

Entry #2 Mar/6th/2018

Hello. I guess from here, all of my entries will be short in contrast to the one I wrote yesterday due to all the details. But it doesn’t matter. The good thing is that I’m back and I didn’t give up after the first entry. Congrats to me. 

Now, onto the update. It did not happen :( I didn’t ask his name. I don’t worry though. I did my best. I waited in until like 8:15 pm just reading in the cafeteria waiting either for the opportunity or for it to become too late that I had to go. Well, it got too late and I had to go. Either way I went to the coffee shop and bought some hot chocolate, but it was an old lady who took my order. Georgie was the one to give me the hot chocolate, though, so I least I was able to see him, but still, with the lady there, I felt too embarrassed to ask. 

My tongue is still a little scalded from the hot chocolate since it was really hot and I didn’t wait too long to drink it all. It was nice, nevertheless. It was actually on sale: Big cup in the price of a small one. And they also offered me to add cinnamon to it, for which I said yes. I regretted that, though, since I love cinnamon, but not in liquids since it doesn’t dissolve and I end up feeling all the powder in my mouth and throat. 

Anyways, I’m not giving up yet. As I heard from Brittany Murphy in Little Black Book #AbsoluteLove, luck is when preparation meets the opportunity, and I’ve been preparing, but I haven’t got the opportunity. So I might as well not lose hopes yet. I think that quote is actually from somewhere else but I just love Brittany Murphy and can’t help relating it to her. Although! I recently learned about Taoism in one of my classes and I’m low-key obsessed with it right now. It basically tells you not to get attached to things and don’t seek them; just let them come to you. So I’ve been trying not to stress myself and to let things flow on its own, but I just can’t. I’m too impatient for this type of things.

I guess that’s it for today. Thank you for reading me and I hope to write some more tomorrow or some other day. This is actually fun. Bye bye :]  

[angelios-the-dragon]

Entry #1 Mar/5th/2018

Hello. I’m not new to tumblr but this is a first time for me. I decided to start writing some kind of diary just to record how I do in my life as of lately, and possibly the future. I hope this is not the last entry that I do, since I’m very prone to give up on things like this. I thought doing it here would be somewhat more motivating than writing a diary by hand. I’m lazy. Anyways, I’m not going to give any personal information, not even my name. You can just call me Angelios. 

So, the main reason why I decided to start writing now is no more than a trivial and cliche matter. I’m struggling with love right now. Let me give you some background. I’m male; I’m 20; I’m a college student; I recently (around two years ago) came out of the closet (to my friends and everyone outside of my family); I have 0 experience with dating and having boyfriends since I’ve never had one, and I’m a little shy and insecure, so trying to go and ask someone out is rather challenging. 

Now, at the very end of my last semester, I believe, I came across this extremely cute guy that worked at a coffee shop in our cafeteria. The place is like a small food court so, that’s why I say at a shop. However, I only saw him once, and while I found him cute at first instance, I didn’t fall in love immediately. It wasn’t until the friend I was with mentioned she shipped me with him. I guess just because he was cute and smiled while giving my coffee. I completely agreed, though. The boy was cute, although it didn’t crossed my mind as something else. 

Since it was the very end of the semester, it was the first and only time I saw him on 2017. I almost completely forgot about him during the winter break. When I got back to school this year, I remembered about him, so I decided to head to the cafeteria to see if he was still there, and he was. I bought some coffee just to be able to interact with him, driven by pure curiosity and desire to peek at a cute face from time to time. 

I don’t know if this happens to you, but when you find someone cute, it doesn’t matter how insignificant the attraction is, talking to somebody else about it, makes it feel more real… more meaningful. And so it happened, the same way it happened before with other guys. I found them cute, I talked to my friends about it, they begun talking about it, and they became a stronger presence in my life. Little things like “Oh, he was looking at you while you were looking away” or “He always notices when you are there” can drive a mind (and a heart) crazy. Specially one that has been craving for some romantic companionship for some time now (Since forever).

My crush on him quickly and surely developed, but not into an obsession (I don’t stalk him); just into a very big crush that melts my brain every time I think about him. I crush that makes my heart rush whenever he is about to take my order. 

It makes me feel good knowing that I’m not alone in this. I have very close friends that also struggles with crushes and strives to get into a relationship. At least we can share our frustration with each other.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my friends (one that is not single) told me I was making too much of a fuss for a guy who I don’t talk to at all besides the coffee that I drink every day. I knew he was right, and I knew that I already knew that. I mean, I’m not stupid. Maybe just a little to let things get the way they are going right now, but not so much not to realize it. So I decided I was going to take the next step and actually ask his name. Don’t think I’m going straight into unknown territory. If I do this, it’s because I’ve noticed things too. Like, he does stare at me sometimes and things like that. Might sound dumb but that’s enough for me not to lose all hope. 

However, it’s been around two weeks since I said I was going to ask his name and here I am, not knowing his name. Now this IS dumb and somewhat pathetic, but I’m going to share it with you because it could be funny and even cute to some. I thought that if I didn’t know his name, I would at least give him a temporary one: George. And as a nickname: Georgie. Why? ‘Cause hes Gorgeous af. Sorry for the cringe.

I recently heard the full reputation album by Taylor Swift and I’m obsessed with Gorgeous. I relate a lot. You don’t need to know that though. But this is my diary, so let me be.

Anyways. Last week I had no chance to ask his name since he didn’t take my orden any of the times I went to his shop. Today was a very good day to do it. He was there, alone in the cashier; there were not many people left in the whole cafeteria, and he obviously took my order. Nevertheless, I didn’t. One of by bestest friends was there with me when I talked to “Georgie” and I don’t know. I feel like asking for his name while being with other people would look even weirder than just asking being by myself. I assume I don’t want him to think that I’m asking for someone else, or that I’m talking to others about him on his back. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it at that time. I don’t blame my friend for it, though. It’s not like I would trade any of my friends for a boy. 

After that, my friend actually scolded me for not finally asking his name. I have to say that my friends really support me and really want me to succeed in my search for love, and they are just as excited as I am about me taking the next step. However, after that, my friend told me a hurtful truth, that I also already knew and had very present in my mind (Again, I’m not stupid), but hearing it from him really hit me hard. As we were on the other side of the cafeteria, I told him how I could see the hand of “Georgie” giving the cups of coffee to the clients. Now, his reply is difficult to translate since it was in Spanish, but it was something like: “Don’t turn this into something so sick, if you’re not going to actually talk to him”. It sounds harsh, and it was, but it was true. It was reality hitting me in the face by the hand of someone thinking with a cold mind. I couldn’t help getting sad about it.

I was sad, a little depressed, a little wanting to cry on the inside, and also angry at myself for not having the courage of making a simple question. I repeat myself once more: I’m not stupid, and I’m not so immature as not to take rejection well. I have been rejected by others before. I just don’t know why this is different. I can’t put into words what goes on my mind when I think of what could be between he and me. Although it might just be it, the possibilities that I build in my head but don’t work on making actually possible. That’s why I promised my friend, and I’m promising myself right now, to do my best tomorrow (or today, it is already past midnight) to ask his name. 

I’m not expecting much from this. I just want to know his name. I want to know if he takes the question nicely, without a too judgmental face, and mostly, I want to know if he’d be interested enough to ask back for my name. That would honestly make my whole year. Introducing ourselves and saying bye with a smile on each others face. But, once again, this is just me thinking of the possibilities. So I will stop now. Hopefully tomorrow I will be writing again, giving you all good news.

Bye bye, and thank you for reading :] ♥