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We looked inside some of the posts by angel-to-destruction and here's what we found interesting.
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god there is no better feeling than relapsing after over a month of being clean
#to clarify i wasn鈥檛 in recovery or anything i just didn鈥檛 have the time or the energy or the urge when i did#and also most of the reason i do this now is just pure masochism so 馃拃#srsly tho most euphoric ive felt in ages#screaming into the void#cvtaddict#shblur#slef harn#$hblr#styroblr#$elf h4rm#$h tw#cvtt!ng
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i was doing so fine and then i remembered my old friend existed and now im suicidal for at least 4 different reasons
#i am a shell of the person i was at 13#i miss them#that person and all of them#i haven鈥檛 spoken to them properly in 2 years and i dont have the energy or social ability to restart/maintain the friendships#curse my fucking disabilities#there are also just some other personal-er reasons#i wanna relapse rn (either smoking or sh) but i can鈥檛 do either#i hate this#someone blow up the earth or something#screaming into the void
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just relapsed and felt more like a person than i have in over a month
#i feel like i鈥檓 losing myself atp#shing helped cause of how long ive been doing it but i never have the energy to do it anymore#i don鈥檛 even write/read much abt it#maybe if i did that i wouldn鈥檛 feel like i鈥檓 cosplaying as a person#also i have pics if anyone wants to see :3#they aren鈥檛 as deep or numerous as most stuff posted on here but it鈥檚 all i had the energy for#idk#screaming into the void#cvtaddict#shblur#slef harn#$hblr#styroblr#$elf h4rm#$h tw#cvtt!ng
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quick question how do i start feeling like a person again
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how did i rope myself into going to some sort of therapy today
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i鈥檝e been sick for the past few days and have banned myself from smoking until i鈥檓 better but god just stopping like this is making my anxiety 5x worse
#maybe i should get some anti anxiety meds instead of just using cigarettes but i can鈥檛 just get those yk#ig i could just cut but this feels like the kinda anxiety that either wouldn鈥檛 be affected by it or would be made worse bcz dulling blades#honestly tho i cant do anything without my brain telling me someone鈥檚 actually dying or if i do this thing something bad鈥檒l happen or smthn#i can鈥檛 with it#tw smoking#tw sh in tags#screaming into the void
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i really need to stop tying my will to live to other people, especially people i can easily drift away from
#it鈥檚 tied to my little sister rn mostly (who probably isn鈥檛 going anywhere) but it becomes a problem when it鈥檚 linked to friends#(i don鈥檛 see my friends super often and am bad at online relationships)#screaming into the void
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me at the hospital: please put me in a psych ward or let me stay at a friends house for a few days or something i need to be away from my parents for a bit and if i go home they won鈥檛 leave me properly alone for a minute for months because of what鈥檚 happened
the people there: oh dw i鈥檓 sure they鈥檒l listen to u if we ask them
my mother today when i don鈥檛 wanna go out while exhausted asf bcz my siblings having their hair cut: i鈥檓 sorry but we can鈥檛 trust you right now so you鈥檙e staying out with us
#and they wonder why i can鈥檛 talk to them#anything happens and they find out and i need all eyes on me like a fucking toddler#i am so close to snapping at them i dont care anymore#screaming into the void
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it鈥檚 not working my brain or my hand or something won鈥檛 let me go deep enough
#i should鈥檝e practiced before this#i don鈥檛 even really want to die i just need out of this situation#but i can鈥檛 do that unless im dead or at least if they have something else (aka a suicide attempt to focus on)#i need to go to a mental hospital but i can鈥檛 just check myself into one i鈥檓 a minor and my dad won鈥檛 let me leave the house alone rn#i just want out of this ffs#cvtaddict#shblur#slef harn#styroblr#$hblr#i want to cvt#$elf h4rm#$h tw#cvtt!ng
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u guys do not know how close i am to cutting as bad as i possibly can then showing my dad nd forcing im to take me to the hospital
#it would make everything worse but it feels like a way out somehow#i am not mentally stable rn ive been on the brink of a panic attack all day#cvtaddict#shblur#slef harn#styroblr#$hblr#i want to cvt#$elf h4rm#$h tw#cvtt!ng
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my friend overdosed earlier and she isn鈥檛 texting back :(
#she鈥檒l probably be ok but they wouldn鈥檛 let us come with her so i just wanna be sure#that was a couple hours ago so she might be back home but have her phone taken or something#god it was so scary having to call an ambulance like that nd then police showed up it鈥檚 insane#tw overdose#screaming into the void
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when u realise u love them in the exact same way u love sh
#would鈥檝e been a main acc post but my boyfriend (who this isn鈥檛 abt)鈥檚 my mutual on there nd would assume it鈥檚 abt them#this is abt one of my friends who i developed a 10 month crush on and am only just getting over#but still love platonically yk#(not gonna get into it all but yk)#but yeah idk my feelings for him feel insanely similar to my feelings related to sh and other mental illness stuff#maybe it鈥檚 cause he SHs nd we were open abt that stuff with each other but idk it鈥檚 still one of those weird realisations yk#cvtaddict#shblur#slef harn#$hblr#screaming into the void
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i鈥檓 starting to think i dont have seasonal depression but seasonal mildly less depression considering how it鈥檚 april and i still feel like this
#i鈥檓 tired and bored and can鈥檛 sleep#on top of that my sensory issues r giving me shit for not washing my hair in a while#i don鈥檛 have the energy to shower or cut or write or do anything to make myself feel better#if hell was real this is what it would feel like#god i wish i at least had the energy to write at least that鈥檚 something that actually helps#idk#screaming into the void
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me nd my friends were out today and i noticed old sh marks on one of them :(
#i mean it might not be sh she might鈥檝e just been injured nd she has 2 cats but given how straight they were i think it was#i mean it鈥檚 not like im gonna judge my friends for doing the same stuff i do but i thought she was doing better than that yk#i mean a couple years ago she mentioned wanting to so her parents would take her mh issues seriously but based on everything i assumed she#never did#its probably partially my fault for a bunch of reasons#idk how to feel rn#cvtaddict#shblur#slef harn#styroblr#$hblr#i want to cvt#$elf h4rm#$h tw#cvtt!ng#screaming into the void
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smoking after cvtting>>>
#90% of my anxiety gone depression struggling with ME for a moment it鈥檚 so nice#tw smoking#cvtaddict#shblur#slef harn#styroblr#$hblr#i want to cvt#$elf h4rm#$h tw#cvtt!ng
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i hate that i鈥檓 too tired to relapse bcz i know the longer i leave it the worse the breakdown鈥檚 gonna be and i cannot deal with that rn
#cvtaddict#shblur#slef harn#$hblr#styroblr#i want to cvt#$elf h4rm#$h tw#cvtt!ng#screaming into the void
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