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Drunken ‘Last Jedi’ review *Spoilers*

So it all kicks off after the rebels try to flee the planet from the last film. Po n’ BB8 are like the one bloke in your local who’s had one too many who thinks he can take on the world. Only this time the world is a ‘New Order’ dreadnought (a massive f**king ship with more guns than an early 90’s source awards party) they stagger about a bit and do some damage but then the ‘New order’ are like “nah man” so they send out the TIE fighters to kick some arse. Po, again imitating the local drunk who wont go home gets his cousins to get his back. Only his cousins are spaceships with a shit load of bombs on them. All the bomb ships get proper laid into. Except one who has a character that at first you don’t really have any empathy for, then she manages to drop some bombs and you kinda think “yeah your alright luv”. Then the rebels jump into hyperspace n get gone. War won right? Wrong. The empire can track them through hyper speed? Impossible right? If you answered yes, you are like every other higher ranking official and nothing like the galaxy’s smartest girl who works below decks stunning escapees. We catch up with Finn who does the usual movie schtick of waking up out of a coma without any bodily or mental trauma. Go Finn! He then takes one look at the state of the world he has woke up in and thinks “nah man I’m out”, however not before meeting back up with Po and asking “Where’s Ray” (Insert transition here) Where is Ray!? Ray is in the same exact place we last saw her, about to hand Luke his lightsaber, grab him get off this island and save the day. PAR! Luke lobs the lightsaber behind his back and cracks on like he don’t give a flying f**k, maybe blue just ain’t his colour? Anyways its the usual “i need you” , “nah i cba” with Ray and Luke. We find out Ray has dark side tendencies like she’s the first Jedi to ever have... She starts chatting online through her mind to Kylo they get on its sweet. Like MSN but with lazers n that. Luke finds out and goes mental though. Kylo says Luke tried to off him. Luke says he did but changed his mind. Ray is confused, annoys the natives and decides to give Kylo a chance. Also Chewbacca goes Vegan, it’s all very 2017... Finn hooks up with Rose a young girl on a ship thats doomed with no hope of ever seeing home again, wait ain’t this the titanic? They hatch a plan to basically have a holiday in vegas on the pretence of looking for a hacker, again its all very 2017 guys. They end up finding a guy in jail who says he will help them, they instantly tell him to F off then moan when he betrays them later on! They set free a load of big eared greyhounds destroy the gambling businesses of good hard working aliens and get out of dodge. Now we are back on the doomed rebel space ship. The lady from Jurrasic park has taken over since Leia’s space walk. Ohh shit i left that out. I can’t even describe it. Its just bat shit crazy. Anyhow Po hates Dr Ellie Sattler and stages a mutiny. He takes control of the bridge and hatches a plan knowing that his mate Finn will come through. Brienne of Tarth goes full Lannister and spoils the whole plan though. Leia like Finn miraculously awakes from a coma stuns Po, gets everyone in life boats and gets away from the sinking rebel ship. Then we find out that Benicio Del Toro’s stuttering criminal that we have known for 10 whole minuets is a proper knob. Dr. Ellie Sattler from Jurrasic park goes proper kamikaze and light speeds into the New orders ship cutting it in two! Clever girl. Finn batters Brienne uttering the line “Chrome Dome” to which i chuckled and escapes with Rose. Ray turns up amid all this by the way. Hooks up with Kylo and the two of them smoke supreme leader Snoke ( I’m a poet and i didn’t know it) and his red cladded henchmen. We find out after years of stipulation, internet arguments and reddit boards that Ray’s parents were just basically nobodies. Then her and Kylo have a really bad break up. Worse than any of the Kardashians. Kylo wakes up to the news his new padawan / bae has done a runner in his ex masters space ship. Luke has a good ol’ chin wag with Yoda over a bonfire. Then we arrive on Hoth. Only instead of snow we have salt and instead of TaunTaun’s we have Alolan Vulpix’s. Our hero’s are hidden in an ex rebel base behind an almost seemingly indestructible iron door that is about to be beaten in by a galaxy far far away’s version of the drug squad. Someone declares “There is no other way in or out” before several soldiers take another way out into some trenches to shoot at ATAT’s (get some string lads) Po and Finn try and save the day. Finn tries to pull a heroic suicide stunt but then gets saved by rose who kisses him and instantly makes you feel bad because you know Finn wants Ray. I mean thats the worse star wars kiss since Leia snogged her brother right!? All hope is lost, then a freshly trimmed Luke appears gives his sister a kiss and struts out onto the battlefield. Kylo gives him all the fire power he has, our hero looks defeated. Then he appears from the salt cloud feeling like a pimp, and thus brushes his shoulder off. Luke and Kylo then have a matrix style fight. However Luke is proper cat fishing his nephew as he isn’t actually there! He then force ghost dies on Porg island. Ray and Leia have a cry whilst flying off into the vast reaches of space. We then cut to the scene from 1976’s Bugsy Malone where the young kid is sweeping looking up at the stars and wishing he was a boxer in the golden ring.

[andylpblog]

Anyone on #SuperMarioMaker give my first upload a go. Its the 1st Level of Super Mario Bros. 2 (Eu / Us) remake. #Nintendo (at Mushroom Kingdom)

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Do they have dentists for dogs? Think mine needs his peggy's seeing too! #Dog #Cavapoo

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#Ivoted #VoteLabour

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Catchphrase #PacquiaoMayweather

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Dylan in his watermelon shirt eating watermelon. #watermelon

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Daddys little señorita! #Spain

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Nice catching up with my homie @thomasturgoose and his missus. Even tho they tried to steal my baby! Haha (at Tragatapas)

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Love my family so much. #Family #Holiday #Love (at Puerto Marina Benalmadena)

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My two girls in the same spot one year apart. #love #Family #ProudDad #instacollage

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Just treated myself. #RayBan #DutyFree #Holiday

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Knew playing her classical music would finally pay off! Meet my little Mozart!!

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Why have i only discovered this!?

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Happy #GameOfThrones day everyone! T-Shirt on, Battle Axe at the ready!! #Nerd #DontCare

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Today is our last day with these little beauties. 8 long and hard weeks but its paid off. Been one hell of a roller coaster looking after our babies and helping the dogs look after theirs! It will be sad to see them go but they are all off to lovely new families. #Cavapoo #Puppies #Dog

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10 more days until Thrones Day!! #GameOfThrones

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Holiday Shopping!