andyeticarusalsoflew

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

My sleep schedule is completely fucked up and I need to do dishes and I desperately need a shave and a shower and I've taken way too much caffeine and I have too many tabs open and I don't know which way is up half the time and all I really want is to be held for a minute until all the noise stops but I can't have that so I just sit here in the cacophony of silence and feel bad about myself because I can't seem to get out of it no matter what I do.

I'm so tired. I try and I try and I wait for it to get a little easier and it just keeps ramping up instead. There has to be more. There has to be a better way. I wonder if I'll ever find it.

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

Sometimes I take a look around, and everything seems fine and stable, and yet I silently wonder to myself, "How long can I go on like this before I can't pretend anymore?"

And the truth is, I don't know. I'm making it up as I go. I wonder if we all are, or if I'm just a fool. I don't know if I'll ever figure that one out, so I just make my little grocery list and try to enjoy the shopping even though I wish I didn't have to go to the store alone every single time.

It doesn't matter how hard I try to pretend I don't care. I do care. I know that. I care so much I have to convince myself I don't just to keep on keeping on. I have to buy the groceries. I have to go to work. Alone or otherwise.

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

"In my heart, you pay no rent. Don't cost you nothin', not a single cent. Time together was time well spent. In my heart you pay no rent."

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

I was never much of a photographer

But the thing about Polaroids is they feel just the way I remember things to be.

No other form of photography ever quite captures the nostalgia I feel in my brain they way a tiny little pocket picture does.

The way it makes an image I took not thirty seconds ago look like it was something my parents would have taken before I was even a concept.

I can take a picture of the pond and you'd have no clue when it was taken to start with.

I once took one of my 1988 in the target parking lot and it could have been taken on the dealership lot in '89 for all you can tell.

I have long felt in my heart that I cannot go back home because my home does not exist anymore. They've paved and "progressed" everything I would ever have wanted to go back to. But those little pictures are one of the very few things left that still FEEL like home.

Maybe I should get another camera. Or try disposables again. Who knows.

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

It doesn't mean anything

Sometimes I finish up a work week and I just come home and sit there and I can't tell what the feeling in my chest really is.

It could be barely contained sobs, grief of the things I want from this life I'm never quite good enough to get or sorrow for the things I managed to lose or even just the cathartic release of all the pain and weight I always seem to shoulder as the days add up.

But it could also be laughter. Sometimes I just put on the music and sing along to it until the words turn into laughing and I'm too tired to keep making noise so I just go to bed.

Everything is so heavy these days. The politics. The economics. The money, the job, the people I love who I can't even reach out to tell anymore. It's the kind of heavy that can kill a man slowly. The kind you must carry and the kind you cannot often set down, even for a moment. The kind a man will turn to the whiskey to lighten. The kind that makes me walk out to the pond some nights and just stare at the water. The kind that makes me wonder if it's worth carrying anymore.

I say all of this to say nothing at all. There's no point here, no moral, no big reveal.

I'm just tired. I miss someone. Maybe even a couple someones. I wish they'd call sometimes. I understand why they don't. I know I'm not allowed to, so I won't either.

This is a bad time to be alive. I think I do it anyways just to spite the world some days. I wonder if I will always have the energy to spite the world.

Anyways, if anyone ever reads these, thanks, I guess.

If you're out there, I hope it's not too heavy for you tonight. I hope you laugh, or maybe cry. Have some wine and a bath. I'll have a few beers and some dinner and eventually get some of that elusive sleep I hear about. I'll think of you. I'll wonder if you think of me.

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

"I'm the same old me y'know, fuckin' up the status quo, trouble all the way up to my neck. And I can keep it cool and new, 'till you catch me half past two, just about that time when I'm a wreck. This old world will spin again, play me like a violin, knock all of the wind outta my chest. I don't mind you playin' me, just keep it in a major key. Now you're wakin' up, and I can get some rest."

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

"Oh, and I ain't made the Opry yet, I miss you now, but hey, no sweat. I can get along alone alright... I'm waitin' now to catch you in the corner of my eye, I know you're gonna darken up my door. I got that old time feelin', babe, Well, it still ain't passed me by. I got that old time feelin' like before."

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

Heavy on my mind

I want to tell you about the truck.

I want to tell you about the car and my plans for it this year.

You'd laugh and love it. You always loved the way I thought about that shit. Like you knew what I was going to say before I said it. You got me like that.

I want to tell you about the new shelf I got, and how it's going to solve the table issue you don't know I have.

I want to tell you about the new coat I ordered and how even though I know I'm no cowboy, I'm excited to look a little like one.

I want to see the little mischievous glimmer in your eye when I try it on when you think I'm a little more attractive than normal and you're trying to be coy about it.

I know none of those things are possible and I know you don't want to hear about it, but some nights you just weigh so damn heavy on my mind.

I wonder if you know that even though I had to clean everything up eventually, I never threw you away. I couldn't. I still have the odds and ends you left here and never came back for. I still have my notes on the things you like and I still have a playlist of songs I silently dedicated to you. I can't listen to them most of the time, but I still have them.

I've even still got your save game files. I don't know why. I guess some little piece of me still hangs on to the hope that maybe someday you'll want to play again. It hasn't been much fun since you left, anyway.

I'm not sure why some nights I do okay and some nights you're like a flood in my mind.

I hope you're well. I miss you. I'll always be here if you need me.

Goodnight, sweetheart. I hope you never change, even if it means I never really get to talk to you again. You're a rare treasure in this dark place.

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

How very original

Hm, I seem to have made the exact same mistake I always make and somehow not see it coming once again. How very original of me. Surely this will not happen to me again the very next time I have to do this task. (sigh)

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

another beer

Some nights I miss you so much I almost call you to tell you.

I know you don't give a fuck about me anymore.

I never hit that send button, no matter now much I want to.

I still care about you, y'know.

I would answer every time you called, just because your name was on the screen.

I don't honestly believe you would even let it ring if my name popped up on your phone.

I don't know as I would blame you, either.

What a strange way to feel. What a time to not fear my own death.

I can't feel my lips. I miss you. I hate me. I know you do too. I can't be angry that we agree on that, so I guess I'll just have another beer.

Goodnight, my love. Goodnight, old friend. Goodnight, whoever you are now.

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

"If you need a tourniquet, or if you wanna turn and quit, know that I'll be by your side."

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

It's my birthday today.

I made it another year. Despite it all.

A text from you would have meant the world to me, but I don't think I mean anything to you anymore so I suppose I'm not really surprised it never came.

Still. I hope you had a good day. I still miss you.

I'm still sorry. I'd still like to talk it out if you ever change your mind. I meant all of that. Anything you need. Anytime.

You know where to find me.

You have my number.

I wish you'd use it once in awhile.

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

Snowballs

Today was the first snow of the year.

I went to work like always and stayed late like always but I made it back home to my apartment complex just about the time the school bus was pulling in. I ended up being the first vehicle stopped behind the bus when the stop signs kicked out. It was full of elementary kids and I waited there patiently and held the line while the kids poured off onto the little embankment to disperse to their parents.

Except they didn't immediately disperse like usual.

They stopped and had a little snowball fight.

And I fucking lost it. Crying in my truck like a baby watching those innocent babies have some pure fun.

I almost didn't make it through this week. Had a few extra rough days that led into extra rough nights. It's not unusual for me these days.

Seeing those kids pelt each other with fresh snow was a gift I didn't know I needed.

I am glad I'm here. Even though it's hard and I am still so immeasurably hurt. I am still alive and I still love this world.

I hope you are all well. Keep making snowballs. Keep going.

We're still here, friends.

I love you. Stay warm. Stay safe. Stay here.

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

I like leather boots and belts and jackets and I like old trucks made out of real metal and the smell of real high octane gasoline and I like real paper books and I like tactile buttons and knobs and dials I can touch with my fingers and use.

I like sharp knives that cut anything I want like it isn't there and I like to drive too fast with my windows cracked no matter the weather because I like to hear the asphalt under my tires.

I like heavy flannels and chunky wool sweaters I'm always too damn warm to wear comfortably and I like to listen to music on the Bluetooth speaker I bought in high school when I shower.

I like a cold night and a warm beverage and a cold ass beer on a hot summer night when the air is so thick and humid I almost forget how much being alive can hurt for focusing on taking my next breath.

I like to walk to the closest pond and just listen to the water lap gently at the rocks and I like to watch the ducks as they watch me. I like to have conversations in my head that I will never be able to have out loud and some nights I like to imagine my own death and funeral and I like to ask myself if anyone I've ever loved has ever loved me enough to attend.

I like to walk home and shake off the cold dampness of this old world and all the hell I've so far endured in it and pour myself a hot cup of tea and sit silently and listen to my cat purr because he knows that is all I need from him. I like the little chirp he makes when I give him a pat and the way he follows me off to bed because I survived just once more.

I am a man who makes a great many mistakes. I am still learning to be good because I was not born as who I was meant to be and I chose to live on hard mode the very same day I decided to live at all.

This life is brutal and there is not one name in my contacts that I am confident would answer if I called but damn it all to hell if I won't be the one that always answers.

I am still here. I still like things. I feel. No matter how hard it all is, no matter how bad or how long it hurts, I am still here.

I'm not much, but I am.

Sometimes that is just enough.

If you're reading this, I love you. I am full of love and forgiveness and even if those I love never forgive me my sins I will love them forevermore nonetheless and if that is my one act of rebellion in this world, so fucking be it.

I love you. I'm here. I'm glad you are too. Let's do it together.

There's still things to do.

There's still people to prove wrong. Let's do it.

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

"Mr. Pretender, don't you know who I am? I am your best friend, but I ain't your biggest fan."

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

"I'm wonderin' how long I can get by. Seems so wrong but I know I'll be alright. Only been down for a minute. Feels so long when I'm in it. Holdin' on to the ticket. Some things are hard to get, some nights that I regret, but I'm cleanin' up the mess."

[andyeticarusalsoflew]

If you've never had to use duct tape on your vehicle door in a parking lot using a dollar bin flashlight held between your teeth (because there's no money to fix it right and nobody else you can ask to hold the damned light for a minute) then I envy you.

But then again, this is how I grew up and is all I know how to be, so I suppose I'll keep taping the ol bitch back together and she'll keep taking me to work and together we'll live until we die.

Perhaps I've been taping myself back together in the dark for years, too. Maybe that's why me and that ol' Chevy get on so well. I tape us back together when we break down, cause God knows no one else will.