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trauma.
it has been awhile now,
still the shadow of you lurks around at every corner,
i’ve moved a few steps forward but somehow,
i’m stuck standing,
not knowing what holds on my next step.
at times it feels good,
sometimes it feels bad,
most time its indifferent,
I want to know what i did wrong that you casts me away,
as if I have no feelings,
as if i know how to read your mind,
and everything ended made me feel like i am nothing.
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It was an impromptu dive for the first Project Aware in Kuching, Sarawak. <3
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The Biggest Difference Between True Love And The Love You're Used To
By Paul Hudson
Have you ever stopped to wonder what the difference is between love and true love?
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I fell in love with your chaos because it matched with my own.
Isaac A (via wnq-writers)
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Forty Rules of Love
Rule 1
How we see God is a direct reflection of how we see ourselves. If God brings to mind mostly fear and blame, it means there is too much fear and blame welled inside us. If we see God as full of love and compassion, so are we.
Rule 2
The path to the Truth is a labour of the heart, not of the head. Make your heart your primary guide! Not your mind. Meet, challenge and ultimately prevail over your nafs with your heart. Knowing your ego will lead you to the knowledge of God.
Rule 3
You can study God through everything and everyone in the universe, because God is not confined in a mosque, synagogue or church. But if you are still in need of knowing where exactly His abode is, there is only one place to look for him: in the heart of a true lover.
Rule 4
Intellect and love are made of different materials. Intellect ties people in knots and risks nothing, but love dissolves all tangles and risks everything. Intellect is always cautious and advices, ‘Beware too much ecstasy’, whereas love says, ‘Oh, never mind! Take the plunge!’ Intellect does not easily break down, whereas love can effortlessly reduce itself to rubble. But treasures are hidden among ruins. A broken heart hides treasures.
Rule 5
Most of problems of the world stem from linguistic mistakes and simple misunderstanding. Don’t ever take words at face value. When you step into the zone of love, language, as we know it becomes obsolete. That which cannot be put into words can only be grasped through silence.
Rule 6
Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you.
Rule 7
Whatever happens in your life, no matter how troubling things might seem, do not enter the neighbourhood of despair. Even when all doors remain closed, God will open up a new path only for you. Be thankful! It is easy to be thankful when all is well. A Sufi is thankful not only for what he has been given but also for all that he has been denied.
Rule 8
Patience does not mean to passively endure. It means to look at the end of a process. What does patience mean? It means to look at the thorn and see the rose, to look at the night and see the dawn. Impatience means to be shortsighted as to not be able to see the outcome. The lovers of God never run out of patience, for they know that time is needed for the crescent moon to become full.
Rule 9
East, west, south, or north makes little difference. No matter what your destination, just be sure to make every journey a journey within. If you travel within, you’ll travel the whole wide world and beyond.
Rule 10
The midwife knows that when there is no pain, the way for the baby cannot be opened and the mother cannot give birth. Likewise, for a new self to be born, hardship is necessary. Just as clay needs to go through intense heat to become strong, Love can only be perfected in pain.
Rule 11
The quest for love changes user. There is no seeker among those who search for love who has not matured on the way. The moment you start looking for love, you start to change within and without.
Rule 12
There are more fake gurus and false teachers in this world than the number of stars in the visible universe. Don’t confuse power-driven, self-centered people with true mentors. A genuine spiritual master will not direct your attention to himself or herself and will not expect absolute obedience or utter admiration from you, but instead will help you to appreciate and admire your inner self. True mentors are as transparent as glass. They let the light of God pass through them.
Rule 13
Try not to resist the changes, which come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?
Rule 14
God is busy with the completion of your work, both outwardly and inwardly. He is fully occupied with you. Every human being is a work in progress that is slowly but inexorably moving toward perfection. We are each an unfinished work of art both waiting and striving to be completed. God deals with each of us separately because humanity is fine art of skilled penmanship where every single dot is equally important for the entire picture.
Rule 15
It’s easy to love a perfect God, unblemished and infallible that He is. What is far more difficult is to love fellow human being with all their imperfections and defects. Remember, one can only know what one is capable of loving. There is no wisdom without love. Unless we learn to love God’s creation, we can neither truly love nor truly know God.
Rule 16
Real faith is the one inside. The rest simply washes off. There is only one type of dirt that cannot be cleansed with pure water, and that is the stain of hatred and bigotry contaminating the soul. You can purify your body through abstinence and fasting, but only love will purify your heart.
Rule 17
The whole universe is contained within a single human being-you. Everything that you see around, including the things that you might not be fond of and even the people you despise or abhor, is present within you in varying degrees. Therefore, do not look for Sheitan outside yourself either. The devil is not an extraordinary force that attacks from without. It is an ordinary voice within. If you set to know yourself fully, facing with honesty and hardness.
Rule 18
If you want to change the ways others treat you, you should first change the way you treat yourself, fully and sincerely, there is no way you can be loved. Once you achieve that stage, however, be thankful for every thorn that others might throw at you. It is a sign that you will soon be showered in roses.
Rule 19
Fret not where the road will take you. Instead concentrate on the first step. That is the hardest part and that is what you are responsible for. Once you take that step let everything do what it naturally does and the rest will follow. Don’t go with the flow. Be the flow.
Rule 20
We were all created in His image, and yet we were each created different and unique. No two people are alike. No hearts beat to the same rhythm. If God had wanted everyone to be the same, He would have made it so. Therefore, disrespecting differences and imposing your thoughts on others is an amount to disrespecting God’s holy scheme.
Rule 21
When a true lover of God goes into a tavern, the tavern becomes his chamber of prayer, but when a wine bibber goes into the same chamber, it becomes his tavern. In everything we do, it is our hearts that make the difference, not our outer appearance. Sufis do not judge other people on how they look or who they are. When a Sufi stares at someone, he keeps both eyes closed instead opens a third eye – the eye that sees the inner realm.
Rule 22
Life is a temporary loan and this world is nothing but a sketchy imitation of Reality. Only children would mistake a toy for the real thing. And yet human beings either become infatuated with the toy or disrespectfully break it and throw it aside. In this life stay away from all kinds of extremities, for they will destroy your inner balance. Sufis do not go to extremes. A Sufi always remains mild and moderate.
Rule 23
The human being has a unique place among God’s creation. “I breathed into him of My Spirit,” God says. Each and every one of us without exception is designed to be God’s delegate on earth. Ask yourself, just how often do you behave like a delegate, if you ever do so? Remember, it fells upon each of us to discover the divine spirit inside and live by it.
Rule 24
Hell is in the here and now. So is heaven. Quit worrying about hell or dreaming about heaven, as they are both present inside this very moment. Every time we fall in love, we ascend to heaven. Every time we hate, envy or fight someone we tumble straight into the fires of hell.
Rule 25
Each and every reader comprehends the Holy Qur’an on a different level of tandem with the depth of his understanding. There are four levels of insight. The first level is the outer meaning and it is the one that the majority of the people are content with. Next is the Batin – the inner level. Third, there is the inner of the inner. And the fourth level is so deep it cannot be put into words and is therefore bound to remain indescribable.
Rule 26
The universe is one being. Everything and everyone is interconnected through an invisible web of stories. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are all in a silent conversation. Do no harm. Practice compassion. And do not gossip behind anyone’s back – not even a seemingly innocent remark! The words that come out of our mouths do not vanish but are perpetually stored in infinite space and they will come back to us in due time. One man’s pain will hurt us all. One man’s joy will make everyone smile.
Rule 27
Whatever you speak, good or evil, will somehow come back to you. Therefore, if there is someone who harbours ill thoughts about you, saying similarly bad things about him will only make matters worse. You will be locked in a vicious circle of malevolent energy. Instead for forty days and nights say and think nice things about that person. Everything will be different at the end of 40 days, because you will be different inside.
Rule 28
The past is an interpretation. The future is on illusion. The world does not more through time as if it were a straight line, proceeding from the past to the future. Instead time moves through and within us, in endless spirals. Eternity does not mean infinite time, but simply timelessness. If you want to experience eternal illumination, put the past and the future out of your mind and remain within the present moment.
Rule 29
Destiny doesn’t mean that your life has been strictly predetermined. Therefore, to live everything to the fate and to not actively contribute to the music of the universe is a sign of sheer ignorance. The music of the universe is all pervading and it is composed on 40 different levels. Your destiny is the level where you play your tune. You might not change your instrument but how well to play is entirely in your hands.
Rule 30
The true Sufi is such that even when he is unjustly accused, attacked and condemned from all sides, he patiently endures, uttering not a sing bad word about any of his critics. A Sufi never apportions blame. How can there be opponents or rivals or even “others” when there is no “self” in the first place? How can there be anyone to blame when there is only One?
Rule 31
If you want to strengthen your faith, you will need to soften inside. For your faith to be rock solid, your heart needs to be as soft as a feather. Through an illness, accident, loss or fright, one way or another, we are all faced with incidents that teach us how to become less selfish and judgmental and more compassionate and generous. Yet some of us learn the lesson and manage to become milder, while some others end up becoming even harsher than before…
Rule 32
Nothing should stand between you and God. No imams, priests, rabbits or any other custodians of moral or religious leadership. Not spiritual masters and not even your faith. Believe in your values and your rules, but never lord them over others. If you keep breaking other people’s hearts, whatever religious duty you perform is no good. Stay away from all sorts of idolatry, for they will blur your vision. Let God and only God be your guide. Learn the Truth, my friend, but be careful not to make a fetish out of your truths.
Rule 33
While everyone in this world strives to get somewhere and become someone, only to leave it all behind after death, you aim for the supreme stage of nothingness. Live this life as light and empty as the number zero. We are no different from a pot. It is not the decorations outside but the emptiness inside that holds us straight. Just like that, it is not what we aspire to achieve but the consciousness of nothingness that keeps us going.
Rule 34
Submission does not mean being weak or passive. It leads to neither fatalism nor capitulation. Just the opposite. True power resides in submission a power that comes within. Those who submit to the divine essence of life will live in unperturbed tranquillity and peace even the whole wide world goes through turbulence after turbulence.
Rule 35
In this world, it is not similarities or regularities that take us a step forward, but blunt opposites. And all the opposites in the universe are present within each and every one of us. Therefore the believer needs to meet the unbeliever residing within. And the nonbeliever should get to know the silent faithful in him. Until the day one reaches the stage of Insane-I Kamil, the perfect human being, faith is a gradual process and one that necessitates its seeming opposite: disbelief.
Rule 36
This world is erected upon the principle of reciprocity. Neither a drop of kindness nor a speck of evil will remain unreciprocated. For not the plots, deceptions, or tricks of other people. If somebody is setting a trap, remember, so is God. He is the biggest plotter. Not even a leaf stirs outside God’s knowledge. Simply and fully believe in that. Whatever God does, He does it beautifully.
Rule 37
God is a meticulous dock maker. So precise is His order that everything on earth happens in its own time. Neither a minute late nor a minute early. And for everyone without exception, the clock works accurately. For each there is a time to love and a time to die.
Rule 38
It is never too late to ask yourself, “Am I ready to change the life I am living? Am I ready to change within?” Even if a single day in your life is the same as the day before, it surely is a pity. At every moment and with each new breath, one should be renewed and renewed again. There is only one-way to be born into a new life: to die before death.
Rule 39
While the part change, the whole always remains the same. For every thief who departs this world, a new one is born. And every descent person who passes away is replaced by a new one. In this way not only does nothing remain the same but also nothing ever really changes. For every Sufi who dies, another is born somewhere.
Rule 40
A life without love is of no account. Don’t ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divine or mundane, Eastern or Western. Divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definitions. It is what it is, pure and simple. Love is the water of life. And a lover is a soul of fire! The universe turns differently when fire loves water.
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I’m always cautious of not loving too much, of not giving too much. Because somehow it’s always me, alone on the floor completely broken, wondering how I got here. And each time it’s because I loved too much and gave so much that I was left with nothing.
Kristie Betts (via wordsnquotes)
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You and I are synonymous of one another: a clear reflection of everything I am and everything I am not. I’ve plunged myself into the ocean within your eyes and parted ways with any shores that do not end and begin with you. I find solace in your depths and rest in the abyss that is your love.
Ronke Owa (via wordsnquotes)
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Way behind
I was traveling for quite awhile late last year, but I didn’t update it. I kept reminding myself to update my travels and I kept forgetting it.
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Be picky about vibes. Be picky about the energy you surround yourself with. You owe yourself that much.
- Unknown
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Azure Window, Malta
Did you read about the Azure Window in Gozo Island, it has collapsed due to the storm.
Before it collapsed.
From now on, this is how it will look like. (photos from online). I think I need a list of places i need to go before it collapsed and disappears like Azure Window.
Azure window was beautiful, the waves was massive and I remember the nature’s beauty in the surrounding area.
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Jet-setting February 2013
February 2013,
It’s a lifetime experience that I will never forget.
My trip started at the end of January, 30th. I went to Xiamen, China for Syafiq’s Graduation. I have never been to China and it’s a very different experience.
One of the different thing would be; as soon as the plane landed on the ground, everyone unbuckle their belts and already trying to take their luggage from the overhead compartment. I was a bit mind-fuck because the stewardess had to use her back to hold the passenger and told them to get back to their seat.
Other than the language and the things that I expect.
I thought most of them could at least speak simple basic english but they don’t. they don’t even understand my sign language. In which made me regret for not finishing my Mandarin class and I realized that I suck at sign language. I can’t even tell the sales person where do I look for a towel.
I also expect for them to have small squinty eyes but no, their eyes were as huge and round as mine.
They drive on the left side of the car and they don’t have road rules. They just avoid whatever comes their way, so I guess the drivers are quite alert and you just got to be careful as to not get hit.
That Chinese food are just awesome because it’s halal so I can eat it. I don’t remember the name of the place but TAECO brought all of us there for the graduation dinner with everyone that was involve with the ceremony.
Things like Zara, Pull&bear, Bershka and so on is damn cheaper compare to the ones in Malaysia and there’s more variety too. So, I think shopping in Xiamen is better if you don’t think about the language barrier but if you speak Mandarin then, there’s nothing to stop you from going.
I went to Gulangyu Island. It’s a huge island that I didn’t get to discover all around but there were so many souvenir shop throughout the island. Most of them sell the same thing at the same price.
I expect myself to be back and to explore the island smartly the next time.
On the 5th Feb, my parents and I flew back to K.L but I only transit in K.L to get on my flight to London. Other than going back to Perth alone, flying to London would be my first trip overseas alone. Then again, there was a friend of mine waiting for me at the airport.
I was exhausted when I arrived on the 6th February, but when I saw my friend (abang) from afar, I was happy! and I got too nervous, I ran to the toilet and vomit. I stayed in London for a couple of hours, to sleep and waited for my friend to get his visa to the States. After lunch with his cousin, we hung out for a little while before heading to Portsmouth about 4.30pm.
We headed to Paddington train station, with the thought that the line would connect us to Portsmouth but we were wrong, we actually hadto go to Waterloo station to get to Portsmouth and it was during peak hours to Waterloo station using the underground line. It was an amazing experience but I was exhausted but I was trying hard not to be.
It was probably about 5pm when we reached Waterloo station and the train departed for about 6pm. At least I get to sit down for about 2 hours, talking to Abang along the way was quite hilarious too and sometimes I wonder why the hell am I here but at the same time, it was relaxing because it felt easy. Now, I don’t even think we could talk for more than 1 minute.
Before I left, I wanted to eat everything there is in the U.K. but when I was there, I don’t even know what happened to my appetite but I didn’t eat anything much. I know I had the dessert at Wharf Quay, and it was delicious.
In Portsmouth, we stayed over at Meera’s house and she actually waited for us since afternoon. We followed her to rehearsal, it was quite nice actually and to watch her dor the real event but I didn’t get to. We had Ken’s Fried Chicken for dinner, it was too salty and the trick of Towards the end of the day, I don’t really care about anything anymore. All I want to do was sleep for hours and hours and hours.
The next day, we went to town or city center and I sat at the fountain thinking about nothing and how exhausted I still am but I tried not to let it get to me because it was supposed to be a trip of exploring parts of England! While I was there, I learned to play pool too and I don’t think I like it because I actually don’t like the fact that my boobs touches the pool table every time I leaned over to take a shot. Haihs.
I spent two night in Portsmouth and the last day, we had lunch with Meera’s friend named Jon at a Seafood place. It was nice! and there was a bit of sightseeing of the ocean. I was damn cold. I do not want to be in Europe for winter again. I highly dislike it besides I love to hibernate during winter.
Anyways, we took the train and went to London. I got even more tired when we reached London. I honestly don’t know why I made this kind of trip. At first it was for this crazy life experience that I’ve always wanted to know how it’ll feel like. How does it feel to fly over from one continent to another. Well, I really did get what I wanted and it’s damn exhausting.
London was nice, we took a taxi from Waterloo Station to the hotel and I get to do a bit of sightseeing along the way. The hotel we stayed was 5 minutes from the Paddington Station and I was amazed that everything was actually so near. We walked everywhere and we had Noodle Oodle for dinner, it was delicious! I like the roasted duck. yums! I found my favourite place…. BOOTS! haha. Then, we walked to the hotel after dinner.
The next day, we went to British Museum and it was huge! I didn’t get to cover the whole area but that’s just another reason for me to go again the next time. There’s a list of things that I am going to do the next time. After the museum, we walked to Oxford street and Abang stopped to asked a lady for direction but Primark was just opposite the street. I wanted to laugh so bad that time but I was tired. hahaha. But somehow towards the end of the day, I turned moody and I was in no mood to talk to anyone. I realized that it made things awkward but I was too tired to care. I really am sorry for my behavior and I shouldn’t do that to people. Especially Nisya and Pedot because they took a couple of hours bus ride to get to London.
The last day in London, the only thing plan was check out and move to another hotel and the Chinese New Year Fireworks at Trafalgar Square. It was freezing! and the stupidest thing I did was to wear three layer of clothes and I didn’t wear my thermal wear. I guess now I know how the homeless feels, frozen to death. My jacket was wet because I wore the wrong one and I was stupid enough to not buy a new one when I was at Oxford Street.
The fireworks didn’t go long as expected and I guess because of the rain. It was devastating and I pity Jon because he was excited about it too, I guess he should come to Kuching for Chinese New Year. The fireworks would be more awesome! but just suffer the consequences of the haze after!
Well, after the firework, we did a bit of speed touring like walked to get to the train station which passed by the London Eye, Big Ben and The Parliament *The Parliament house is where we can talk* I did took a few photos but I don’t have it with me right now and I don’t know when will I ever have it. Maybe just maybe, I am not going to have it and I’ll go to London to re-write this trip. By that time, I’ll post an even awesome trip.
After dinner, there was a bit of snow and I was soaking for my jacket is useless. I wanted to experience the snow so much and when I get it, I don’t like it! not even one bit! We sent Pedot to the Bus Station because she could only stay for a night. But I’m thankful for her to visit me even it was for a night and I was being a moody bitch. I am so very sorry dot. Nisya stayed for another night and the three of us slept together and when she sleeps its kinda cute because she hides under the blanket.
Oh the second hotel overlooked the Hyde Park and I wanted to walked around there but with the weather being too cold for me to handle I would rather stay in bed or indoors but I didn’t do that much either. Oh, I fell in the tub and I called it Hyde Park!
The morning that I left, I was sad because I wanted so much to stay and really enjoy my trip, discover more places and eat all those desserts. It was such a rush trip and all I could feel was my exhaustion.
I arrived K.L on the 12th February morning and had teatime with Niessa at Bimmers, eating rojak ayam. Man! food never taste delicious as I didn’t eat the whole flight from London – Kul – Kch. My flight leaves to Kch at 8pm of the same day and I am so glad that I get to nap.
I slept through the entire flight from Kul – Perth. I arrived in Perth on 13th February at 5am and was glad that Nora pick me up. I stayed over Nora’s house for a couple of days, then to Deska’s and then to Waterford. I slept through the first 3 days that I was there. So there’s nothing much that I did there but to meet up with my movie partner, Denah, Dayah and Jas. I met up with Jas in London and we both met up in Perth too. At least I get to eat the few things that I’ve been wanting to eat for the past 2 years.
Did a bit of cleaning at Waterford with Azri and it was kind of funny as a bug flew up my nose when I was cleaning the pantry.
I did a bit of shopping at Carousel, Harbor Town and City but I didn’t get to do anything else.
I was also in town for Fringe World Event. It was nice. Nora and I walked through Northbridge to take a look around, passing by Metros made me miss those days when everything was fun.
I left Perth on the 18th february 2013 and I was sad to be leaving Perth. It was home, it was a place where I sort of grew up. Well, I was raised and grew up in Kuching but a place where I explore life was in Perth and it’ll always be home.
To sum up the trip, it was awesome! I went from Asia to Europe to Australiasia. It was pretty damn exhausting but some time in the future, I’ll probably tell someone to never travel like how I did in February 2013. You could at least spent 1 week plus in one place and really enjoy the place, the people and explore!
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01-08-15
Life changes in a split second. A year ago, I was stressing over my dissertation project in London. However, this year, on 1st August 2015, I am officially someone’s fiance in Kuching. Ten months later, he cheated on me and I am no longer someone’s fiance.
Life changes without a pause,
Life takes hold whether you like it or not,
Life is life whether you’re ready or not,
Whatever you do, your life is yours.
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