andsheisjustaglitch-blog

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I guess I’m trying to say, grab anything that goes by. It may not come around again.

John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent (via books-n-quotes)

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July 5th

It’s always funny how people assume that because I’m young, Alex and I weren’t together long and therefore, it is “easier” for me to “get over” my grief. I am young. So was my husband. That in itself is fucking hard.  There is no way to compare grief because there is never the same grief twice.  But, We were together our ENTIRE adult lives. We started our relationship when I was 19 and he was 21. We were only with each other for nine years. Alex passed at 30, which means that we loved each other for almost a THIRD of his life. That is not easy. “Starting over” is not easy, it’s not even possible.  We were robbed of so much time together, time to love each other, time to experience life together with our daughter. I can only be grateful and be happy for the time that we did have. 

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I knew that what was left of me would always love you, but never in quite the same way.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned (via books-n-quotes)

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They were different people together in daylight than they were alone in the dark.

Joseph Heller, Catch-22 (via books-n-quotes)

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Read a thousand books, and your words will flow like a river.

Lisa See, Snow Flower and the Secret Fan (via books-n-quotes)

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2-9-19

If you’re on a grief journey and have yet to read “Permission to Mourn” by Tom Zuba, I really can’t recommend it enough. I’m going to address a paragraph that was brought up in my last grief counseling meeting. ‘Chapter 19: Creating a Space for Hope

Make sure you set the intention make the decision to create a space for hope for possibility for peace for relief for gratitude and yes even for a bit of joy.’

We were asked how that paragraph made us feel during the meeting. And to be honest, I was very frustrated with the question. Because I’m kind of just like this is complete common sense. If I can’t be happy and make moments to be joyful, then what even is the point in wading through this wall of sadness? Don’t you continue on in the hopes of eventually coming out the other side? The ‘better’ side?

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2-8-19

How has it been 2 months already?! Time is so weird when you’re grieving. It speeds up and slows down all at once.  How have two months passed by without your seeing face and hearing your voice already? But at the same time, it seems like I’m just stuck here. Stuck in this feeling that I’ve already spent a lifetime without you. 

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Human beings can withstand a week without water, two weeks without food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. It is the worst of all tortures, the worst of all sufferings.

Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes (via books-n-quotes)

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2-3-19

I’m beginning to think that while grief causes someone to lose their mind, it’s really looking at the aftermath of their shattered life that causes someone to go crazy. 

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rippels_paperlover

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Though my soul may set in darkness, It will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly To be fearful of the night.

Sarah Williams, “The Old Astronomer to His Pupil” (via catchawishingstar)

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Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love.

Nick Cave (via waitingtopanic)

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1-16-19, 39 days after

It’s always the early hours of the morning that are the hardest. After I wake up and get our daughter off to school, I return to bed and my brain just churns with thoughts. They wallow up and seep out and not all of them are good. In fact, most of them aren’t. I miss being able to roll over and rest my hand on your back. I miss being able to roll over and tuck my body into yours or curl around you. These are the times that I miss you the absolute most. When it’s dark and I’m alone. So fucking alone.

I keep thinking about the amount of time that has already passed. Think that if I made it through the darkness of the first couple of weeks, then I should be fine. I should be in the clear. But that’s not true at all. The numbness is wearing off. And I’m seeing what it’s like to really live without you. And I can feel it all closing in on me. This life I didn’t choose smooshing me to bits. The depression and blackness just settling into the cracks. And I don’t know if I’ll make it through at all. Feel to heal. But I don’t want to feel. It’s crushing me.

Everyone is moving on and going back to all of their normal lives. While all I’m feeling is abandoned and alone in my grief. I’m carrying all this weight on my shoulders and it’s just so fucking heavy.

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1-15-19, 38 days after part 2

When your best friend tells incredibly intimate details of your spouses death. Details that you and your family ONLY share with someone you DEEPLY trust. And then tries to say she was just trying to help.... Because of her ‘help’ people were posting on Facebook about his death less than 48 hours after it happened. Because of her ‘help’ people said and asked me and the rest of my family incredibly invasive things that they should have NEVER known. Because of her ‘help’ the profound fucking guilt that I was ALREADY feeling was multiplied tenfold because I trusted her and she shit all over my newly deceased husbands privacy. She further tried to justify this by saying that we were out of touch anyway so it doesn’t really matter. We were best friends since 9th grade.... Going through old computer/phone backup photos, she was in A TON of them. It doesn’t matter that our friendship changed and evolved the past couple of years when we both started our own families and had an hour of distance between us. That is what happens when you grow up! It doesn’t mean we lose the bond we have!! I still trusted her. And the fact that that trust was broken and in such a terrible way is crushing. It’s not enough that I lost my husband, she also ended a 13 year old friendship all for the sake of gossip and wanting to feel important by giving news that wasn’t hers to give. I’m heartbroken and disgusted.

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1-15-19, 38 days after

Woke up in the morning and didn’t want to get out of bed. My brain immediately starts swirling with all of these thoughts, giving me such anxiety already for the coming day. And I just think, what is the point in getting up? So that I can attempt to sort out my imploded life? A life that I’m not happy with? A life that I didn’t choose? Starting over at 28 is HARD. And thinking of the reason that I have to start over is even harder. And when I look around, all I see are reminders that you’re gone.  Nothing is as it once was. I just want my goddamn life back. I want you back. I don’t want this shit.

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1-9-19, 32 days after

Becky and Greg just closed on their first house together. All of their family is over exploring the new house, giving suggestions and experiencing general excitement. While I’m happy for them, I’m also dealing with the fact that this will never been our life now. That we will never get to experience this together.

I’m so jealous. So lonely.

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“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”