and-i-vent-to-myself

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

Only last week I was genuinely shocked about what was going on on this blog a year ago, now I'm threatening to fall into the abyss again

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

This close to relapsing it's not even funny

Relapse + my favourite show + a good book + some sleep is all I ask for

I dont fucking care about my clean streak anymore, it is what it is

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

BPD is crazy. Right now I feel like absolute dogshit and I'm ready to do things I've sworn not to do anymore, but tomorrow morning I'll be just fine, drawing my silly little pictures and living a life that is essentially a shell of what it was before.

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

So apparently some people never grow out of the "comparing my belongings to others' belongings so that I can show how awesome my wealth is by bringing them down" stage. Can't we just grow up please.

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

I'm alive. I got better. And now it's worse. I'm starting to fall into the role of the therapist friend. So much so that I can't keep up with my own mental wellbeing anymore. I genuinely care about this person, but I'm so tired. I just need a break. At least for a while. Get rid of all social media, get a book, read. I don't know why I have to be a people pleaser. I'm guessing it was my upbringing. This predicament has me in such a strong chokehold that I'm left without energy. I care about this person, but I'm human too, I struggle too.

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

I'm gaining weight. I fucking hate my body.

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

Hey. I'm back ig. I was clean for a long while until i relapsed badly and nearly ended up at the hospital. I don't cut that much anymore but i occasionally scratch my skin until it bleeds

It's mainly ocd shit i'm struggling with now, not so much the other stuff

I find it sad that nobody noticed when i was at my lowest but what can i say- we live in the era of being ignored

Just wanted to say i exist and i'll be using this blog more often because shit is hitting the fan again

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

Yt knows what i want

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

It so is, tried to purge the other day and i failed miserably

failing at throwing up is a next level shitty feeling.

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

so i found my box cutter again and managed to hit beans for the first time in months. it feels so good but i have no means to take care of the wound. rip to my clothes ig

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

pov: someone finds out abt your... addiction.

(vent art keeps me alive)

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

why do other people get to take mental health breaks and i don't? why do they get to feel valid? why do they get to stay out of their lives while I have to suffer in silence? why aren't i as important and valid as they are? why do i have to text them first and ask them if they're feeling better when i'm secretly slicing my arms and hips apart. why aren't i valid? why aren't my feelings valid? why can't i stay at home for a week? why can't i stay off all social media (except for tumblr ofc.) for two weeks without this fear of losing them and dying alone? why can't i just lie in bed and slowly rot away? why can't i just drive a knife through my brain and end it all?

it's not going to get better, i've given up.

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

can i please have some positive things come from disordered eating soon i’m a bit sick of the negatives xx

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

I love this burning sensation

That lets me know that I've acomplished something

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

Bingo bc i feel especially terrible today

[and-i-vent-to-myself]

So I drew some sh/vent art yay