anagrl21

[anagrl21]

[anagrl21]

My friend ana.

I get a text inviting me to a party, but no. It tells me I can't. You can't go there'll be a table full of numbers and an organ inside telling you to eat it all. The desperation in my voice when I say i've eaten today is unreal. I sit in my bed bored and alone, I reach to grab what used to be my wrist but is now used as a measuring tool to make sure I didn't gain any weight. I feel what feels about the size of a half dollar coin. Thank god, another pound means another 4 days without food. Right? It tells me to grab the pills, it tells me it's a diet and i'm fine, i'm not anorexic simply put i just want to be skinny. I go into the girls bathroom and it's like being congratulated for a race I didn't win. It's like they vomit comments about how I'm losing weight, but I wanted to hear it right? I stand up and feel myself fade to black and back again. It tells me that it's like a ribbon or a medal knowing that I'm working hard enough. Oh no. i feel it coming. It tells me to shut it up but I can't. The overwhelming urge to chew and swallow is coming over me. I'm sorry I can't control it.it won. I sit there and eat and eat and eat. Until it realizes what's happening. Throw it up. It chants in my head and it wont stop. It keeps going uninterrupted until I'm sitting there bent over a toilet trying to keep the noise level to a low, because if they knew what kind of freak i was it would be over it would be dead, nothing more and nothing less than a traumatic memory stuck in the back of my starving brain. No. i make a realization this needs to stop. I tell people what I ate that day hoping, wishing and praying that they'll tell somebody about it but I'm faking it right? it's all for the attention because every sane human being would put themselves through starving themselves for attention right? I walk up the stairs and fight the feeling of collapse. But I'm just out of shape right? I sucked on ice cubes for dinner but I “burned my tongue”. You can't see the floor in my room but I'm just lazy and messy. I brush my teeth non stop until my gums are bleeding but its just because I'm a clean person. I haven't had my period for months on end but it's the medicine. They don't realize my cries for help coming from the bottom of what used to be a full stomach and is now what controls my life, they don't understand. Just eat, it's that simple isn't it? Maybe it'd be that simple if i didn't grow up thinking skinny means beautiful, maybe it'd be that simple if i hadn't grown up getting called fat maybe it'd be that simple if people didn't praise my sick body everytime the number on the scale dropped, maybe if people cared enough to pay attention they would realize im killing myself slowly every second every minute every hour that ticks by. Maybe they would realize that every time i shower and immediately change into a hoodie it wasn't just because I was cold. Maybe they would notice that I'm always cold in a warm room. I swear it's like they tell me to eat so they feel better about themselves, but all it does is make me look pathetic.