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anagram8998 · 1 year ago

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NOT A ROLE MODEL 🎸💥

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anagram8998 · 2 years ago

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It's been a hot minute since I've posted here. I remembered why I started using this app in the first place and it was solely to be close to you. For a long time, long before we ever met, I had based my entire life around trying to be something to someone, anyone. No matter the personal cost it would toll later on.

I actively chose not to share my thoughts or opinions, because I was genuinely worried that the people I chose to be in my life, wouldn't have a place for me. Or even make time for me.

When we met, you were the beautiful distraction I needed. Not because you made me feel whole, but because you were something else to shift my attention to, so that I could drown out the harrowing white noise that were my negative thoughts and feelings.

When you left, you took a part of me with you. I told myself that if you ever came back, I would do what ever I could to feel whole again. When you came back, you had that piece with you and you gave it back without any hesitation. But it was... different. That piece I was missing was misshapen, smaller. It felt like something had soured it.

By the time you told me you loved me and someone else, I lied to you and myself. Telling us that I could deal, or I could prove to be worthy of that love. Until I couldn't anymore. When I ended things with you, it was the best decision to make, but I wasn't ready to actually believe it at the time.

Afterwards, I said and did stupid things in hope to show you how much you fucked up and try to hurt you at a deep emotional level, like you did me. But it didn't work. You couldn't care less and that hurt even more.

I reached out to those I chose as my support system, in hopes they could distract me from what was brewing deep down. I told them that I wasn't in a good way and really needed them there, like I would be for them and had been for them. I thought they understood that I was reaching out for a lifeline while I was drowning in my own thoughts and feelings and hoped they could be there for me when I needed it.

I had to find out the hard way, they wouldn't be. I remember every moment of that day, vividly. I remember sitting in a restaurant, waiting for the support I thought would come. Stared at the door, then at my phone, then back to the door again. Hoping that in the time I looked away, they would all start to pile in, saying they were sorry for being late. I did that for 3 hours until I had to say to myself, out loud, that "they aren't coming."

The next time I saw them, at a group function. Everyone acted like nothing had happened, like the hadn't forgotten about me. It wasnt until one of your friends, who came up and said; "Hey man, Happy Belated Birthday. I'm sorry I missed it, I hope you had a great day though." That's when everyone actually stopped to realize what had happened. But no one said a word. They couldn't even bare to look me in the eyes, because they knew the damage they did. They all looked to the floor, in hopes that someone else would step in to make it better. Make it less awkward. But no one did. So I just left and went back home, to quietly cry in my room because I knew, I was truly alone.

The realization that I wasn't enough for you broke my heart, but being forgotten by those I thought closest, shattered it.

The thoughts that proceeded to fill my head still haunt me to this day.

Sometime after, I met someone through a work friend and it was the first time in months that I actively tried to get to know someone. Not for any physical gratification or for emotional stability, but just to see if they'd end up forgetting me. She didn't. She'd laughed if I said something funny, she'd correct me of I said something sparky. But more importantly; she listened and she didn't forget me. I told her about you and about those I started cutting out. She was the only person who didn't treat me like an idiot for it. She actually told me that she was sorry I had to endure something like, but that I had to all alone.

And I remembered feeling like I had taken my first breath after holding one in for so long.

It's been over 5 years since then and we are still together. We have a life together and personal goals for the future. I plan on marrying her one day and she plans on marrying me. She's helped me work on my mental health, look at the world in a healthy way and even has gone so far as to help me start to make a career for myself as an artist.

She's helped make me feel whole again.

For the first time in YEARS, I can actually say that I'm happy.

For context; I didn't write this as a personal jab at you and iys not an unrequited declaration about feelings that aren't there. When I opened the app up, I didn't even know what I was going to write, if anything at all. But as I've let it all out in this post, I think I know how to end it.

I'm glad I met you when I did.

If not for you, I never would've been able to go through this metamorphosis in my life that brought me to where I am now. If not for you, I would've never looked for other friends outside the ones I thought I had. If not for you, I never would've been able to realize something was wrong with my perspective of myself and act on it. If not for you, I would never have been able to grow into the person I am today, with the experiences I've endured to make a solid foundation. If not for you, I would never met her and my life wouldn't feel like its actually going somewhere.

Thank you for making me feel special. I hope you're as happy as I am without you now.

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anagram8998 · 6 years ago

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