an-ordinary-diary

[an-ordinary-diary]

06/12

Let’s try this again.

I did breakdown and say stupid shit. I did continue to chicken out. And she was, in some senses, barely tolerating me and inches away from telling me to fuck off. Sounds like all my worst nightmares came true, right?

Well, not really. It’s even worse. I actually have hope now. I have academic success and things to fight for. I’m not allowed to give up now.

I’m going to talk about my abusive (ish) parents and terrible complicated love triangles later on; there’ll be ample opportunity. Right now I want to focus on that most primal of human emotions, loneliness.

I miss the girl, obviously. I was in the wrong and she was well within her rights to stop talking to me, and I did hurt her; but I’m not an abuser or anything. I didn’t know how to keep a distance, because I needed her too much. And nobody has an obligation to take care of you and take the consequences of your mistakes, but. Is it so wrong to want someone to reassure you, just to coddle you and tell you everything will be fine? Is it so wrong to want someone to be there whenever you make an off handed self deprecating joke and tell you no, you’re worth it to me? I tried to do that for her. I didn’t do it very well, but I really did. I have friends, believe it or not, and when it gets really bad I remember that they want me alive. I don’t use the word “care” because the concept of a human being caring for another human being is a bit foreign to me at the moment. But I used to have someone who could do that for me. I lost her because I couldn’t compete with a dead fucking girl.

And now I not only don’t have the prospect of one, but I’m being told hoping for one is hurting the people I don’t want to hurt, and I should stop doing it.

Am I a bad person? Do bad people just deserve abject loneliness?

I’m writing this with the knowledge that most likely nobody will ever read it. It’s a special kind of loneliness as well.

[an-ordinary-diary]

27/07

I write to you on the [redacted] [redacted] service to [redacted], calling at [redacted].

Short of it is, I chickened out. The reason being very simple - they already have a partner (not confident about their depth however - not just sour grapes, may elaborate later) and I don’t want to force them to choose (if I am to be so magnanimous to assume there will be a need to choose at all), plus if it doesn’t work out I will end up owing two people instead of one.

Spending time with them still feels as happy as ever. We just goofed around today, in a way I don’t think I ever properly have. It reminded me of a childhood lost. And I really needed that - I feel I could only feel that kind of abandon around them.

Exam results still aren’t out. If they’re slightly imperfect I’m already fucked beyond imagination. But this keeps my mind off it and there is literally nothing I can do to change it.

In conclusion nothing’s changed but I’m ok with that. There is also the off chance that they’re just barely tolerating me out of pity and are about to tell me to fuck off any second, but that’s the anxiety speaking. Gotta trust in their ability to say no if I get too close.

[an-ordinary-diary]

26/07

Sorry for forgetting yesterday, was a bit busy.

Therapy was today. We talked about a lot of things but the most immediate of which was dealing with romantic attachments and such - somewhat to my surprise my psychiatrist seemed to be in favour of asking them out, despite the multiple things that can, well, go wrong.

To be honest I’m also much calmer now about the matter and have got it mostly sorted out. I know that if I don’t ask, I’ll regret it forever and torture myself with what ifs (I still might even if I do). Worst that can happen is they scream at me and call me a freak but while that may hurt I understand I’ve done nothing wrong. I won’t say getting together is the best thing that can happen because the both of us have lots to work through before we’re capable of a healthy relationship but this time lots of people are on watch, and there’s a good awareness of the issue. And whatever happens I’ll still have months of good memories even if they end up bittersweet.

God, I hope they don’t read this today (I mean nobody’s reading this as of now but you know). That would be hilarious.

As to other things - I made healthy progress on applications to certain important matters, and watched a bit of YouTube after dinner. Still an ordinary day.

Now I gotta sleep, the train is at 06:20 tomorrow. I got a [gender redacted] to confess to.

[an-ordinary-diary]

Well, now I gotta start writing.

25/07

There are a lot of things that are difficult to me, from focusing to sending emails to not being sad. I largely managed all three today so that counts as a success, even if I did technically miss an email, but I think it should be ok.

Otherwise today was like any other. Bike down the hill, work (procrastinate), bike (push) back up the hill.

Also on the agenda was a discussion of statistics relating to Rice purity scores. I for one do not believe the population average among 18-25s is anywhere near 90.

There are many things going on which I probably should be anxious about - applications to important jobs and scholarships - but I’ve decided to simply ignore for the moment or else I’d be in a state of constant panic attack. There is also the thing about romance, which deep down I know I’m better off talking it out and dealing with it permanently, but for tonight I’m content to close my eyes and just relive the happy memories I had with [person concerned]. It sounds kind of pathetic when you put it that way, and I can’t really argue with that, but it is better than having a breakdown and doing stupid shit.

Not much more to write about. I’d say I hope to have more to write about but interesting days are usually bad ones.

[an-ordinary-diary]

A basic introduction to what this is - a diary. That’s it. You’re reading my diary. Depending on who you are, you may find this to be an interesting introspection into a complete stranger’s daily life, or several hundred pixels of your timeline wasted. I’m happy if you find yourself in the former category, and I don’t mind if you find yourself in the latter (though I apologise for the approximately half a minute it took you to read up to this point.)

Enough waffling. On to business.

Here’s what I ask of you, if you read this blog and interact with me:

- I will try my best to be honest and unfiltered. After all there is little point in a diary that is not. Well wishes and general comments are of course welcome, and so is criticism or even judgement if you consider honestly that I am a bad person or did something wrong. I ask only that you contribute with the respect you would expect to receive if you bared your soul to a complete stranger.

- If you know me, it will likely be very easy to figure out who I am. I ask that you do not indicate to anyone, including me, in any fashion that you have read this. If we know each other well enough I trust that nothing here is going to give you significant unpleasant surprises. That is unless you are a number of very specific people in the world whom upon reading this will know I am referring to them (if you’re wondering if you are, you’re not), in which case I ask that you please do tell me as soon as possible.

- Relatedly, please don’t try to find out who I am. Like, don’t doxx people. Yknow.

- I’m not writing this for attention, and I honestly don’t care if anyone reads this as long as it’s publicly available. As such I will only use the #diary tag in my posts, and none other, except in special cases.

- IMPORTANT: Commenting on me is ok, but please do not comment on any other person I may mention, or the actions of other people whom I write about. They have not consented to being commented on, only I have. This is not AITA and I am not remotely interested in being told which of the people I (potentially) care about are assholes. Any such comments will be immediately reported as uncivil.