an-exploration-of-me

[an-exploration-of-me]

i always was the handy, fix-it lesbian in college. not that i was particularly good at it, i just happened to be better than the rest of my friends, and i went into all tasks with immense hubris. i truly felt i could accomplish quite literally everything with a lot of stubbornness and some access to google

well, it seems that tradition hasn't ended, it has simply shifted. one person told me i looked masc, and suddenly, i'm taking my closet doors off the track and repurposing them into a headboard, and i feel incredibly affirmed and euphoric

[an-exploration-of-me]

Drag (1976)

[an-exploration-of-me]

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think “this outfit would be better if I had boobs. Too bad there’s nothing I can do about that!”

Reader, I forgot I was wearing my binder. There was in fact something I could do about it.

[an-exploration-of-me]

getting a binder as someone with a relatively large chest is such an adventure lmao

i remember, when i got my first one, having zero hope it would actually do anything. i'd been told over and over to lower my expectations, "there's only so much compression can do," etcetera. but i got it and i put it on, and yeah, i wasn't suddenly flat-chested and boob-less, but the difference was still INSANE

i had that binder for like a month, and then when i was moving it disappeared, still have no fucking clue where it went, though something tells me it'll show up whenever i move again, but today i finally ordered a new one, and, like, i can feel a sense of gender euphoria just knowing that i'll have one again.

[an-exploration-of-me]

let's hear it for the nonbinary folks who:

don't present androgynously

use "binary" pronouns in any capacity

identify partially with a binary gender

have a "gendered" name

don't experience body dysmorphia

don't experience gender dysphoria

DO experience gender dysphoria/body dysmorphia but aren't sure what gender or body would suit them

just experience body/gender apathy instead

can't be open about their gender identity yet

you're all absolutely valid.

don't ever feel like you're "not nonbinary enough" because you absolutely are! 💖

[an-exploration-of-me]

you have to live.

wasn't going to post anything from the new collection before it was fully finished, but in light of recent events

start by staying alive.

[an-exploration-of-me]

this isnt the end of the world. please keep living. that is what matters

[an-exploration-of-me]

i don't know what else to tell you except to be brave and to be kind. take it day by day. go outside and watch the clouds paint the sky. call a friend.

we are still here, and furious. you are still here, and that matters. you can still do and make and be something important. i promise. stay alive. it matters, and you matter. i know it is easy to succumb to anxiety and exhaustion and defeat.

communities can start with tiny ideas. google "dnd meeting near me" or whatever your interest might be. google "volunteering near me." google "support groups near me." start journalling. start a discord. start a book club.

when you close your eyes and hear hamlet, answer his prayer: it's better still to be.

[an-exploration-of-me]

well this feels great, doesn't it?

even as i started to think about gender seriously, i never expected that i'd get to explore it properly, but i hoped, always had a silly optimism, i suppose.

as much as i hate it, that optimism is feeling very squandered right now. i'm scared. i'm not even that at risk, i'm somewhat capable of passing and laying low if need be, but i'm still terrified. i can only imagine the fear and stress of those in even less safe circumstances.

i want to be strong, optimistic, to fight for the safety of myself and my fellow people, and i intend to. but right now, i'm gonna let myself be scared, be hurt, be angry and sad.

[an-exploration-of-me]

To all the trans people who see this tonight, no matter what happens, we will survive. Trans people will still be here 4 years from now and 10 years from now and 100 years from now and tomorrow. We have always existed and we always will. The world cannot unlearn about us; we are too public, too loud, too beloved, too present. Ill be here tomorrow. Please stay here with me.

[an-exploration-of-me]

i think it's fascinating how much hair can factor into our identities.

i've worn my hair short for a while now, and as soon as i cut it the first time, i knew i would never go back. now, other than one time of forgetting to go cut it, it hasn't grown past my chin since 2020. i fucking love it

i think i hear some variation of "oh i could never do that!" at least once a week, though. so many people feel the need to tell me that, though it looks amazing and they wish they could pull it off, they don't think they could ever do it. was chatting with a customer at work today, and she said, "i wish i could do it, but if my hair wasn't long, i just wouldn't feel like a woman anymore"

that one sentence has been making my brain hurt the entire day with the awareness of how differently i feel. ever since i started cutting my hair short, it was with the express purpose of feeling less like a woman, less feminine, even if i didn't have the words for it at the time.

it's always been a thing, however small, that's easy to change but helps me feel more like me, and it's really become quintessential to my look. people who have zero idea about my gender feelings agree that i'd look odd with long hair, it just wouldn't feel like Tabitha anymore

and yet, they do still see me as a woman. even with my short hair, even with their insistence that their long hair makes them feel like a woman, even despite all of that, they look at me and see femininity, and it annoys me to no end.

i don't want to care so much about how they're perceiving me, but i see their assessment, i can feel how they've put me into a box based on how they see me, even when it contradicts how they feel for themselves, and i wanna rip my hair out (pun not intended)

i've not really got a productive, concise end to this one, just... so many feelings

[an-exploration-of-me]

Trying to figure out my Gender Identity and expression

It makes me feel like both the chimpanzee and the scientist studying myself

"It seems that the specimen will avoid wearing the binder, not because they don't like it, but because they feel they must save it for only really bad body dysmorphia days as they only have one and they don't want to do laundry constantly.

However, when given the option they will avoid wearing the new underwear altogether. We must try a new type to determine if it is texture discomfort or an overall distaste."

[an-exploration-of-me]

i'm trying to figure out a lot of things, my gender being a pretty big one, and it feels like it's time to start journaling about it actively, so. here we go?

it's been a little over 2 years since i first even addressed the idea of not being cis. it's a stupid, funny story; a friend made a joke, i joked along in kind, and then somehow found out my entire main friend group assumed i was genderfluid. they'd been using they/them and she/her interchangeably for months, and i hadn't even noticed cause it felt right. i tried to deny it, explain it away with all sorts of defenses, but pretty quickly realized they had a point.

once i'd gotten over the initial shock, it was pretty easy, for a while. i didn't really think about it or engage with it that much, it just kinda became another background fact of me that came up every now and then. "hi, i'm tabitha! she/they pronouns, but i'm really cool with whatever, it's not a big deal." it really just felt like a new, easier way to perceive myself.

i loved the freeness that came with genderfluid, honestly. i could be whatever, dress however, feel whatever, and mold it all to fit the vibes. and my thought was always that it didn't matter how anyone else was perceiving me, cause i knew who i was and they could fuck off.

through all this, though, i was always hanging out on the she/they side of things, and then at some point this year (spring-ish, maybe?), something shifted. instead of they/them being an additional descriptor, it felt like the right one. suddenly, it felt so wrong when people looked at me and saw a woman, and the times i felt neutral or masculine felt more and more right.

i've been getting through it by taking comfort in the friends who acknowledge and support my neutrality, even encourage it. it feels like each time they address me as non-fem, it cancels out all the people who've so intensely categorized me as a Woman™️

so that brings me to here, but where does that leave us? genderfluid, yeah, that still works. they/them preferable, but maybe a little he/him? overall, just trying to put the pieces together, figure out who Tabitha is, both in gender and otherwise. occasionally, i'll hop on here and ramble through whatever's bouncing around in my head, so if you'd like to join me in that, welcome!