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RIP Adam West.

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standing ovation

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Day 47

Today will be a month and a half into my attempt to lower my depression/anxiety meds dose and still be ok. "Still be ok" is entirely relative, of course. I am writing this at 1am. When I should be sleeping. So insomnia is still around. But I can't blame that 100% on just anxiety or the meds. The past two weeks have been unpleasant. My daughter was sick, and out of school for a week, then I caught her germs and am just now feeling human-ish again. Anyway, the main point of this update has been floating around my head for a couple days. I have been laughing more. Like really finding humor in funny things and actually laughing out loud. I can't blame all of that on too much cough medicine. I don't remember how long it's been since I've been able to really laugh and enjoy funny stuff. Ack. I just tried getting another thought out of my head. But it's too late (or early?) so it will have to wait until next time. Hopefully I'll sleep sometime soon. G'night.

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Information for the go fund me:

Our grade 7/8 students are hoping to take a trip to Toronto to experience life beyond their fly in First Nation community. They have been doing some fund raising within the community but its difficult to raise $40,000 in a small community of 500 people. This is the experience of a life time for the students.  Please help make their dream come true.

Donate here

The community the youth is from is the Kingfisher Lake First Nation, in Northern Ontario.

Submitted by @smoulderandbraids.

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Day 30

Tomorrow I step down to a lower dose. I'm expecting to have a headache for at least a week from the change in dose. I'm also hoping that I'm wrong. Fingers crossed.

I'm still having temperature issues. Sometimes way too hot and sometimes way too cold. And sometimes both at the same time. My sleep has not been very regular. Sometimes I'll sleep the entire night. But most night I wake up almost hourly for no apparent reason. And I seem to be snoring more. Although that may be because of the lingering remains of a cold from a couple weeks ago.

Did I mention that I have found the best counselor? She is awesome and I see her through TranQool.com. Right now their counselors are only available to Ontario residents. They are still in sort of a beta mode. But will be rolling out a huge update over the next 2 months. Maybe they will be able to offer counseling services to those outside Ontario in the future. Anyway, my counselor has been helping me help myself. A lot. She uses CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) techniques and they have really helped me. For example, I have gone from just knowing something is generally wrong and not being able to focus on either the emotions or details of the issue to recognizing my emotions, naming them and starting to be able to dissect the problem. I still need help with the end part of resolving issues and problems. But I'm making a good start. And I'm more positive than I can remember. I don't yell nearly as much as I used to. And an incident that would have totally embarrassed me previously was shrugged off as something silly and handled with laughter and a smile.

My new mantra, that I have been really trying hard to follow through on, is "I need to communicate about my emotions more." More effectively, more often, more to my kids, more openly, out loud to others, and out of my head. The order of that list is how they occurred to me, but not necessarily their level of importance.

And all of that, my journey to have fewer side effects while still improving myself, has been progressing, with baby steps, but still going forward.

I'm having ideas. Making plans. Speaking to actual people. Contemplating stepping way outside my comfort zone. And just trying to be ok.

So, here I go.

Talk to you soon.

:)

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Day 13

The roller coaster ride

Day 13. That's a good number. At least for me.

The annoying dull headache that had enveloped my whole head has gone. Now I'm back to my regular irregular headache. Mostly based on my cycle. Sometimes still random.

I logically knew that changing my meds would not be a straight shot to the land of wonder and awesomeness. But that would have been nice. It's more of a roller coaster ride. Some up days and some down days and some going around the bend upside down days. But that is how life is, right?

Physically, the temperature thing has not really changed. I still get really hot, what I would imagine menopause hot flashes will be. And then the next day I'll be so cold, not sweaters or blankets or double socks can warm me.

I'm trying to eat better. That is a thing that has been trying to happen forever. Maybe it will stick this time.

I'm doing better about not yelling. My counselor and I have been working on that. It's one thing the meds never helped. Except to maybe get me to the place where I could admit to myself that I really did need more help. I can remain calm, or at least outwardly calm, and can choose my words better. It's totally not perfect. And probably won't be. But it's a start and that is a good thing.

One of the side effects of my depression medication, according to the manufacturer's pamphlet and the Canadian health website, is that I could experience suicidal thoughts. Well, that has totally happened. And not just in a mild way. For the last year, I've had all kinds of thoughts of harming myself. It has been quite a struggle for me to see actual progress in feeling better about myself and pulling myself out of a mucky swamp and at the same time wanting to be totally gone from the planet. The thoughts ranged from vague thought about just going away to detailed plans of how I would end me. The things that save me, that kept me going, and still do, are wanting to be here for my children, being embarrassed about  being found not alive, and a vague feeling that I'm not quite done here yet.

Anyway, today is Let's Talk day in Canada. A day where the whole country shares stories and tries to support each other regarding mental health. To try and erase the stigma. I thought that would be a pretty good day for an update.

Now I'm going to find my cold cup of tea and heat it up, again.

:)

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Day 7

Ugh. Tons of self-doubt.

I’m not able to dismiss the mean voice in my head that tells me often how sucky I am. And not worth anyone’s time.

How am I supposed to be a good example to my children when I can’t seem to behave like a human myself?

What if this lowering of my dose is the stupidest thing ever and I’m going to go deeper into another depression-year? 

I just don’t know. I feel lost and alone now.

ps-Those super awesome vivid dreams from before? They turned into super vivid nightmares the next two nights. Good times.

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Here’s a MLK quote I’d love to see white people share.

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One other thing

Since I started taking the lower dose, I have been remembering more of my dreams, and quite vividly.

Like the one a few days ago where friends added moose and alligators to their current goat and chicken farm.

Or the one last night where I was on a spaceship university and Neil Gaiman was my professor. He was giving an exam on the maths and physics from another particular fiction writer’s novel (I can’t remember the novel or author now). I woke up remembering incredible details of the ship and the math questions. I should have written earlier. Most of the vividness has gone, but the wonderful feelings remain.

If going down to a lower dose of medication is responsible for my better dreaming, I can’t wait for the next lower dose next month.

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Day 5

I made it through the weekend. Still have the nagging headache. I guess that’s going to stick around for a bit. I’m not feeling as anxious as I was this weekend. (I looked on the interwebs and found that today is Blue Monday, a notoriously depressing day. I guess I should have looked at the calendar before changing my medication dose?) Saturday I forced myself to be a human. I made plans for the family and a couple of The Boy’s friends to go bowling. We also did indoor mini-golf and then went for treats at DQ. Altogether a pretty good day. Sunday I was super grumpy grouchy crotchety cranky and generally not pleasant to hang out with. I stayed in my pajamas all day and managed not to kill anyone. So, a win! 

Why am I doing this, the going from the highest safe dosage of my depression/anxiety medication, down to (eventually) the lowest and possibly no medication at all, why? Side effects. I have come to a place in my healing where I feel there was actually a big sign, one that only I could see, but a huge one. It is time to consider where you are, where you are going and how far you have come. Like I said, it was quite a big sign.

I have been to see many counselors in the past. I have been on various medications in the past. This time, that moment a few months ago, seemed different, like something had really changed. This time I actually got to be treated by a psychiatrist. Not just my regular primary doctor trying to guess about which meds would be best for me. When I first visited him, we determined I had been on the wrong kind of medicine, for a few years. And it took half a year to get a better medication into me and determine the proper dosage. It was not a particularly fun experience, but the end was good. And he also referred me to a very competent counselor. But it turns out she was not ‘the one’. Shortly after the settling of the medication, however, I did find ‘the one’. And she is awesome.

So back to the huge sign. Since this isn’t my first time on depression medication and it’s not my first time speaking with a counselor, I kind of know how things usually go. But with this counselor, things weren’t progressing in a familiar or anticipated manner. I was actually figuring things out about myself. I wasn’t dwelling so much on the past and was actually seeing a future. That was not usual, or expected. I just told her last week, when I first started speaking with her I felt like I was in a swamp. Stuck, mired, going nowhere. Now I can see the path. I can see the way to go. I actually see the swamp and the path in my mind. And I am now heading up a path. Maybe not THE path. But at least away from the swamp. And towards something.

So, I have decided that since I have found such wonderful support from my counselor and that I am making progress that I can actually see, it is time for me to try to get rid of the side effects. The medication that I’m taking has led me to gain more than 20 pounds. I don’t sleep very well very often. I have random migraines that have been getting worse. I am not able to regulate my temperature, as in I get hot flashes. Sometimes several times per day. And after speaking with my GYN, we’ve determined that while early menopause is in my family, that is not yet happening to me. I also have more thoughts about hurting myself more often than I ever have. And I have wild food cravings, worse than I ever had while pregnant. Sometimes I have all of these crazy things happening in one day. I went back to the ‘possible side effects’ info for my medication. Some of the side effects happening to me are in the ‘normal’ everyone gets them category. Some are in the ‘maybe be concerned’ because not everyone gets them category. 

All of that put together, the bad side effects, and the good help I’m getting, have led me to say to the sign, yes, I have come far, and I need to change a some things about where I am so I can get to where I’m going.

Hence this journey. I’m one step down from the maximum safe dose for my medicine now. I have slightly fewer cravings. And I know I will feel worse physically for a while.

I’ll be trying to document the experiences I have. I am aware of the large possibility of a relapse. If I keep track of what is happening, I should be able to see any patterns.

Deep breath. Here I go!

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Female Fantasy III

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And so it begins

I'm not making any promises on how far I'll take this. But I will try to document the journey. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I have a plan to start stepping down my depression/anxiety meds. To eventually be off them by summer. Today is day 2 of the 1st step-down dose. I woke up at 4 am with a killer headache. Thoughts this morning were: turn off the alarm, hide in bed all day, can the 10 yr old make lunches for the 4 yr old and himself. I settled for - get up at the alarm, no shower yet (see killer headache), take headache meds, sit in the rocking chair and look at the crochet patterns posted on my social media feed while I was in bed last night. I have to get the kids up in a few minutes. It will be loud and chaotic for about an hour. Then I will need to make another decision about the day. Try to accomplish a couple of things or hide. I hate that I feel crappy on the meds that are supposed to be helping. And I guess they did help for a while. They got me to a place where I could say, yes, I need to speak with a counselor. And I have, thankfully, found an excellent professional mental health counselor. But now I know I will feel physically more awful (hopefully) for a relatively short time to get these not-helpful-any-longer meds out of my body. So here I go.

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🙃🙃🙃

Quoted text reads “Colin Robertson says Chris Christie, Rudy Giuliani and Sarah Palin are likely on shortlist for next US ambassador to Canada.”.

Colin Robertson is a former Canadian diplomat and commentator on Canada-USA affairs.

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From a friend who works directly with pro-choice groups RE: Women’s March

PLEASE DO NOT FILL OUT ANY “SURVEY” YOU GET FROM “THE WOMEN’S MARCH” ABOUT YOUR WHEREABOUTS, WHO YOU ARE, WHAT METRO YOU ARE TAKING, ETC. INFO BELOW

If you are planning any protests of the inauguration, please be aware that you may be a target of James O’Keefe operatives. If you have spoken to anyone from Breakthrough Development Group, this is an O’Keefe front. Here are some known aliases:

Allison Brandt, Angela Brandt, Allison Moss, Allison Maass, Alyssa Harris, Allison Holmes, Ashley Nichols, Charles Roth, Dan Sandini, Steve Packard, Christian Hartsock, Brittney Rivera, Bri Rivera, Bri Rivers, Mike Carlson, Victor Kesh, Thomas Gibson, Savannah Germain, Jess Koski, Laura Loomer, Jess Jones

If you are working with Disrupt J20 specifically, you are being targeted by O’Keefe. He is apparently trying to get progressives to incite violence.

There will be moles in your campaigns. PLEASE make sure to vet your volunteers. Please get in touch with me if you believe you have been contacted by one of his operatives.

Let me re-emphasize her point, DO NOT FILL OUT ANY SURVEYS! I’m re-emphasizing because I’ve seen a lot of people re-blogging that Women’s March survey. Don’t do it!!

Please make sure anyone you know who is planning to attend sees this!

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Signal boosting this, because this is super shitty.

tl;dr: An app called COLORFY is an editor’s choice in the Play Store. It’s a coloring thing that looks great, and says FREE all over the place.

But it tries to get you to agree to a THIRTEEN DOLLAR PER WEEK subscription, and makes it difficult to cancel the subscription.

This is a scam that most people won’t fall for, but I’m boosting the signal because we all know someone who will fall for it.

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Ok, 2017. Let’s dance.