amilliontomorrows

[amilliontomorrows]

02/20

We got up from the chilly ground, not caring that we were covered in dirt and probably had bits of leaves scattered in our hair. My teeth began to chatter as I looked up at the starry sky. I turned to face you, and with a look I won’t soon forget, you reached toward me and zipped up my jacket. I laughed as you struggled with the zipper a little bit, the drunkenness making us both a bit clumsy. And then we turned up the sidewalk. In that moment you slipped your hand into mine. Simple, without a thought, as if we had done that a million times: come back to each other. It was like a memory from another life and a jolt of electricity all at once. I don’t know if you could tell, but in that moment I could have burst. And so we walked in the night. So late, that not a single car remained on the road. There were no worries in my mind then, just joy. Just words it’s too soon to say. I didn’t know then, that later, closer to morning by the time we got home, that I would get up the courage to say it. And that you would kiss me back. Hands along waists and perhaps something that was a bit of a long time coming. When we finally did fall asleep, a bundle of warmth, limbs intertwined with one another, I knew that this would be something I would risk so much for.

[amilliontomorrows]

Beyond the stress of exam season, there’s something about the certainty that November will bring back cold winds and rainy clouds, and that ill make lists of all my assignments and bundle up in coffeeshops as holiday plans begin to take shape, that I am simultaneously reminded how alone, and how connected we all are as humans. Watching a semester end always makes me sad; maybe this sky in particular though, feels heavier, because I’m at more of a cross-roads than I ever have been before. There is a new version of me taking shape before my eyes, and like life, it is beautiful and lonely to witness. I can dream of snow, and you holding me in your arms, sure, but none of that will change the life that I have now. Besides, you can only hold dreams in your hands for so long, before they slip through your fingertips or become something else entirely. I don’t quite know what I set out to accomplish by writing this, but some part of me feels lighter for it. That’s another certainty: writing is always there, too, whether or not my eyes are the only ones that read the words that have been written.

[amilliontomorrows]

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[amilliontomorrows]

im clinging to whatever this is

because it’s something

because it might just be me

watching someone else

try and fall out of love

and i’ll finally have my novel

life

that unrequited

quiet

broken heart

who knows what these years will bring

i am in awe of the cold rain

it arrived over night

and the red sky set in over the tree line

faster than i knew

you are a burgundy flame

and hazel eyes

that laugh when you look at the sky

i want to be burned so badly

by you

[amilliontomorrows]

my fingers run over the pages

and suddenly they are my mothers hands

and that heartache is so familiar

tangible

i wonder how she bore the weight of it all

years sitting in the dark

having people tell you the light is there if you just open your eyes

i think this is where childhood ends

where i take the parts of her i see in myself

and hold them in my hands

and say i love you

i forgive you

im so glad you are a part of me

im not afraid anymore

i won’t leave you.

no. matter. what.

[amilliontomorrows]

the clouds have always been a safe haven for dreamers, and now when i look at them i think of you and that goofy smile you had plastered on your face as we walked across a grassy field towards the sun

[amilliontomorrows]

i think my hope

for a soft love

is a reflection

of the fear i hold for my own sharp edges

i am afraid to look at them head on

because it terrifies me

to rectify my faults

and realize i am still whole

and worthy

with them

love isn’t all soft

it hurts

it burns

like stickaburs in your sock

rubs at the raw spots

like a blister on shoes i want to be my favorite

needs breaking in

pushing through the pain

to get to comfort

acceptance

reshaping

can a messy

growing love

be a radical choice?

can it be right

how healed is healed enough

to try and bare your soul again

how do you guard your heart

and reveal it at the same time?

[amilliontomorrows]

“Had I been in love, I could not have been more wretchedly blind!”

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

[amilliontomorrows]

[amilliontomorrows]

 All rights reserved by  Gleb Zakhodyakin 

[amilliontomorrows]

[amilliontomorrows]

NGC 7822: Cosmic Question Mark : It may look like a huge cosmic question mark, but the big question really is how does the bright gas and dark dust tell this nebula’s history of star formation. At the edge of a giant molecular cloud toward the northern constellation Cepheus, the glowing star forming region NGC 7822 lies about 3,000 light-years away. Within the nebula, bright edges and dark shapes stand out in this colorful and detailed skyscape. The 9-panel mosaic, taken over 28 nights with a small telescope in Texas, includes data from narrowband filters, mapping emission from atomic oxygen, hydrogen, and sulfur into blue, green, and red hues. The emission line and color combination has become well-known as the Hubble palette. The atomic emission is powered by energetic radiation from the central hot stars. Their powerful winds and radiation sculpt and erode the denser pillar shapes and clear out a characteristic cavity light-years across the center of the natal cloud. Stars could still be forming inside the pillars by gravitational collapse but as the pillars are eroded away, any forming stars will ultimately be cut off from their reservoir of star stuff. This field of view spans over 40 light-years across at the estimated distance of NGC 7822. via NASA

[amilliontomorrows]

~ Cameo of Emperor Caligula and Roma.

Culture: Roman

Period: Early Imperial Period

Date: A.D. 38-41; Andreas Osenbruck, Prague ca. 1610

Medium: Sardonyx, bilayered. Setting: gold, enamelled.

[amilliontomorrows]

Eclipse Over Calistogas

[amilliontomorrows]

you tell me to believe in love

and i didn’t then

not really

i wouldn’t dare

but now

you capture my lips with your own

i have seen love

known it

how do i trust now, that it will stay?

not you of course, i know you will

but will my own darkness

sabotage and suffocate

this light?

[amilliontomorrows]

7/1/22

it is so strange to feel disconnected

trapped in time ticking too slowly

guilt swirls in my mind

i want to feel pretty

feel worthy

but somehow i feel like the inside

must be visible from the outside

nothing short of ugly

misshapen unwieldy

i have lost a degree of spirit

maybe i need more sleep

the light of computer screens sucks out my energy

probably too much

but i need the money

but i feel awful about spending the money

but it is mine

but what do i do

when i can not even trust myself to make decision along those lines

when i can not allow myself

to take that joy

make insensible choices sensibly

does this make any sense?

or am i truly alone

my brain seems to want to make me believe that

even though i don’t want to

i want to made of sunrises and irises

of wild honey and the mighty oak

why do i feel like a pebble

tossed around in the vast expanse of the sea

unwanted

common

[amilliontomorrows]