ambrose-watches-blog

[ambrose-watches-blog]

Enterprise 311: Carpenter Street

"it's ok, they said they won't hurt you" duuuude weird guys pay you real money to kidnap and drug people who won't be missed, and you really believe that?

whatshisname, Daniel? missed him somehow

I saw that 90s haircut and was gonna say something, then thought well, it IS the 90s. but it's not supposed to be in the story... now i know why (the medical gear shouldve given it away)

"find something to wear that won't stand out in 2004" oh no this is gonna be Bad isn't it

their clothes are ok??

Archer is a bad thief and a worse driver

"were they aware at this time that early's supply of fossile fuel was nearing depletion?" "they had been for 30 years" Star Trek telling it like it is!

was a good episode, no compkaints ftom me. especially liked Tucker's surprise when they came back, and Mr "but they said they wouldnt hurt anyone" being arrested and making a fool of himself

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DnD Wrath of the Dragon God

why does every dnd movie start with the fakest CGI scene?

I enjoy the fact that Strength is represented by a woman

do they really have to call each other by their class rather than name tho...

I really like the rogue and barbarian's interactions

well here goes the priest...

well at least the women aren't underestimated, but i don't think two people can hold off 50 armed men...

she HAD to know that poor bird would set off traps

"come villainy, death awaits you" is worthy of Shakespeare!

that dragon is a skeleton in rags, but I gotta admit I really enjoy this movie, and not least of all because of all its Strong Females (tm), I think the best part was the wife, whose name I could never quite catch, getting the character dev she wanted (and being her own agent as opposed to just the hero's wife)

as disappointed as I was jn the first, this one is actually good in terms of story and characters! (even if the CGI is still crap)

[ambrose-watches-blog]

Dungeons and dragons 1 (pt 3)

so hum. this time at least she closes the portal behind her

why is the council all dudes if they're the mages and Mariana was a mage in training?

so black dude is real dead, but white dude got magic elf tom baker's treatment and is better

the angry peasant is naive for being angry at being a peasant and he should really revere the empress he's never seen because maybe she wants to try to change things? so this random girl says? how does a movie that tries to be about class struggle fails so much on that one point?

the red staff looks bought at a fair

you... you coulda surprised jeremy irons and stabbed him in the back too...... but no. also this whole fight is boring

and wtf is with the empress's armor? it's blatantly useless

the one good thing is in the end there are 3 women for 2 men? oh and class warfare is over (there's a pun in there somewhere about dnd classes...)

not... quite sure what is this last scene either. kinda assumed Snails got into the stone, but no? and then they all fly off in glitter form? wtf

[ambrose-watches-blog]

dungeons and dragons 1 (pt 2)

seriously there was no explanation or explanation for the way the mage girl was treated?

weird thief dude just slapped her ass. but yknow it's not really establishing him as bad because see above: dwarf is also treating her like this

the games a la indiana jones are overdone, and also when did he get a shiny sword

bald guys are bad, we get it

the elf has boob plates...

the mage is gonna get tortured. and probably saved by the dudes. even though she's a mage

yup, tortured by the weird alien in bald dude's head. talk about cruel and unusual...

now why would the elf captain of the guard for the whole empire just trust two idiot thieves. e didn't even get the whole 'here's why we're innocent'... they must complete this task alone?? wtf

I WISH the black dude would stop hitting on the (black) elf because he does it sexistly, she doesn't want his attention - and it's cliché

when did he learn to USE a shiny sword

white dude saves the girl, black dude gets the hell beaten out of him? #NotRacist

does she ever use magic after that first scene?

black dude gets KILLED and tossed out the window for straight bro tears? and THEN the girl remembers magic?

[ambrose-watches-blog]

Ambrose watches: dungeons and dragons

I have this memory of a movie that sounds a lot like a DnD movie but i'm not quite sure which because they all sound pretty similar. Also, it's Worldcon here in Dublin. So of course, I have to watch them all...

the first one first.

It's clear from the start that all their budget went to pay Jeremy Irons. I googled it and they had $45M, which is about half the budget of the first LOTR. but it's also 1/3rd shorter, and lbr I'm not asking for glorious new zealand sceneries and a great cast of 15. they have one big name and then... crappy CGI?

Seriously the whole first scene with the dragon, including what i'm sure they thought of as a very fancy scene where the blood drips everywhere, is the cheapest scene and the cheapest CGI deagon I've ever seen. the weird sims resident evil movie had better backgrounds than this one, and trust me if you're in europe it's not hard to find a decent vaulted basement so you don't have to 3D model *that* too... the floor of the mages' hall where they have the big meeting in ALSO looks CGI'd...

come to think of it they probably spent 10 millions on making Jeremy Irons look young. I thought this guy was born a 40 years old but apparently he just put on20 years between 2000 and his merchant of venice appearance in 2004... meanwhile Zoe McLellan looks older here than she did in NCIS like 10 years later, at least early in the movie

i don't know if i love or hate the goth princess with the sweet and innocent princess voice...

so the commoners are thieves, there's a token girl who doesn't know shit about the magic scroll she has even though she's a mage (and commoner boy figures it out for her), there's a token black guy who's kind of unhinged and excentric (and clearly a sidekick), and a burly redhead dwarf that screams Irish stereotype at me, who's obsessed with money (not even gold, money).

dwarf @girl:" if i ain't drinking u sure aint shopping!! *pulls girl by the hair*" wtf is this scene

[ambrose-watches-blog]

Enterprise 308: Twilight

I never know if I love or hate time shenanigans and alternate timelines... at any rate I hate that they never remember them. it's like the year of hell: you put the characters through a lot of trauma and then magic wand it away. it's good to explore stories but it ends up a bit flat, as if it'd never happened. I guess that's because I care more about charafter development than actual plot, and if they don't remember it doesn't change them

[ambrose-watches-blog]

Enterprise 306: Exile

Dark Star Trek show me evil Beauty and the Beast

honestly i think it would have been cleverer to make him handsome on top of absolutely vile. Im kinda tired of "ugly and evil"

[ambrose-watches-blog]

Enterpruse 305: Impulse

Zombie vulcans were about the last thing I ever wanted to see

also maybe it's just a impression but i feel like the women get beat or have weird shit happen to them. whuchbjn a crew if 2 women is kinda hard...

[ambrose-watches-blog]

Enterprise 302 - Anomaly

1) Arcger is unhinged and shouldn't be captain

2) I'm pretty sure decompression isn't just taking all the oxygen out, and that guy shoulda blown out like a marshmallow bear in a vacuum

[ambrose-watches-blog]

Enterprise 226 The expanse

So that's where the Xindi come in! and the delphic expanse!!

pretty disappointing that they're only just getting there at the end of the episode though

Also does that mean we'll no longer see the Suliban? are they kinda sorta allies now?

[ambrose-watches-blog]

Enterprise 225 - the Bounty

parasite triggers the 1 out of 2 women on board to get all hot and bothered, + "have sex or die" ... i mean pon farr episodes are annoying in the first place but with this show's track record of treating women...

[ambrose-watches-blog]

i got the 2017 Mummy movie out of curiosity because sofia boutella is hot, but in the first 10 minutes there is so much bs

- powerful woman needs more power and makes a pact with the devil Seth

- egyptians mummifying people alive???

- ancient egyptian gods wanting to bring demons to this world

- “for her sins she was mummified alive”????

- knight templars??????

questions: 1) how did they get Alex Kurtzman to sign up for this i mean his star treks are decent at least! So’s David Koepp as far as I can tell 2) how much did Cruise pay them for this religiobabble bullshit?

[ambrose-watches-blog]

oh yeah go dig up something in a place called Haram like you’ve never heard the word before

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honestly if a girl wants power to the point of making a pact with The Devil ™, why would she ever consider finding a partner… a man’s just gonna hinder her, lbr

[ambrose-watches-blog]

so to recap every time we see sofia boutella she’s either naked, having sex, or being seen in a sexual way by tom cruise

[ambrose-watches-blog]

also tom cruise forgot you could be 2 to a parachute…

and the doctors don’t know when a man is dead or not bc they put him in a plastic bag

come to think of it he should have asphyxiated. Or they should have seen his breath on the bag, especially since for some fucking reason they’re transparent

[ambrose-watches-blog]

ok let’s see about that bad action movie bingo

unnecessarily sexualized women boring straight white male standin (also a douche and possibly a criminal, the bad kind not the fun kind) evil bad sexually active women (but still straight because you still want them appealing to the Straight White Male Stand In) knight templars bad egyptology evil muslims zombies Demons evil animals