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“Please be stronger than your past. The future may still give you a chance.”

— George Michael 

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“Curiously, she didn’t remember when she became exhausted. She didn’t remember when exhausted was no longer exhausted, it just was. The tiredness was in her bones and she accepted this state of being with apathy.”

— tara love / it felt like she had been burdened for a century, but it was a year

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Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Albert Camus (via quotemadness)

Nobody realizes what happens when you are alone or feel “safe” enough to peal away the “normal” you falsely create and get back to the crazy, panicked, exhausted normal you know so well.

They used to say pretending was easy. What seems easy on the outside comes with great heartache, pain and distress on the inside until it’s too much and it has to escape like poison. Theres no way to control it but to lye there empty, hoping that emptiness fills back up with healing rather than more poison.

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Living Spirals, Dreaming Nightmares

Things have been hard the past two days. Being awake has lead to spiraling negative thoughts, being asleep has led to horrifying nightmares. And it’s frustrating that I can’t control it and can’t stop it. I don’t know how.

During an afternoon nap, I dreamed of a fusion of the hunger games and the amazing race. The people who were last to complete a task, made stupid comments or almost got us caught by other bad people would be killed. I watched the host of this game hand blow torches to two unwilling “contestents” who made dumb comments and force them to burn their faces off until they died, then he forced us to burn the rest of them. It was a life of constant fear.

I hid in an abandoned apartment from other bad people looking for us and heard someone come into the bathroom. Two female friends were talking in the bathroom. One said “I don’t want it to end like this. I want you to win and get out of this. Now get out of here”

I heard one of them run out of the building. I stood up to wash my face and hands in a sink. The cold water felt refreshing. Then I went to see what happened in the bathroom. The bathtub was one of those showers that had glass doors but it was floor to ceiling. I realized one had filled it to the brim with water and spoke with her friend from the top. When she told her to leave, she had wrapped a soaked blanket around herself to pin her to the tub floor. I saw her pale, dead face. I really looked deeply at her for some reason; perhaps because she’s a girl I know from school-not super closely so it was weird she was in my dreams. She didn’t want the game to choose how to kill her. She wanted it to be her choice.

I woke up in sleep paralysis. My arms were crossed over my chest and every part of me was heavy. I couldn’t move, I was disoriented. I thought I was her, drowning in the tub.

Eventually I fully woke up and realized it was a dream. I used to dream very minimally and would mostly not remember them. But dreams are happening more often, waking me up, leaving me with terrible, vivid memories of events I lived in dreams.

If this is my future, there really won’t be any escape. There’s no way to turn off negative thoughts during the day and no way to control what I dream at night. I guess I don’t know what to expect but I don’t have high hopes. I have small hopes that this doesn’t last much longer and my brain gets it together and calms down. I just feel scared that my subconscience knows what a burned face looks like so vividly and that it also knows someone would need to wrap themselves in a blanket to lay on the floor of a tub to drown. Things I didn’t think I knew. Things I can’t unsee. Things I’m scared a twisted side of me somewhere thinks.

I guess I just needed somewhere to put this and not forget it but in some ways leave it behind.

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There is other love out there for me. But it’s different. It isn’t this. It isn’t this exact love. It’s better and it’s worse. But I guess that’s sort of the point of love between two people—you can’t re-create it. Every time you love, everyone you love, the love is different. You’re different in it.

Taylor Jenkins Reid, One True Love (via quoted-books)

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You’re the only person with the ability to make me smile without even trying. I want you to know that I am so very grateful for you. I’m so grateful for all the wonderful memories we have shared: all the smiles and the laughters. You light up my world and show me things I never dreamed I’d see. Thank you for all that you do for me and all that you have given me. thank you for being you.