amateurish-writer

[amateurish-writer]

Elegy to Childhood

I miss when songs were just songs and not reminders of what I’d lost in between the pages of adolescence and a fantasy story of romance and idealisations.

I miss when I was fifteen and I didn’t cry when characters bid their mothers goodbyes before leaving home because homesickness did not span months and continents.

I miss the days where I was foolish and didn’t have to clasp my hands to plead the withering back of my childhood and youth to let me return to her arms of simplicity and ignorance.

9 January 2023

[amateurish-writer]

The Aftermath

I miss you how could I not being with you felt whole now I feel like a fool stumbling around with one shoe on off-balanced and off-kilter as I flounder for stability between the bitterness you left me and contentment I feel my life is oversaturated compensating for your absence and my loneliness heightens the hollowness in my chest tightening despite the vain and desperate attempts to patch and plaster it up

I hate you because this was what you wanted I gave you everything you wanted the cause of my shame I blame you for your sweet words and gaze that made me lay my soul bare and vulnerable for your eyes for your cowardice as you tore my walls down brick by brick and decided you didn’t want what I had to offer the records of our laughter they were not worth it you burnt it down and tossed it all before you tucked tail and ran leaving a scorched and haunted plain of ash and tears in your wake

[amateurish-writer]

Did you know?

Did you know I tie my shoelaces the way you taught me to? Did you know my eyes linger on the empty space on the wall where we kept your sticky notes? Did you know in the morning there’s a blissful moment where I forget we’re not together? Did you know that the tender look in your eyes burns and eats at my soul? Did you know I die a little bit on the inside every time I see you? Did you know I miss coming home to you? Did you know I just really miss you? Did you know? Did you know? Did you know? Did you know? Did you know how much I loved you? Did you?

14th August 2023

[amateurish-writer]

Remembrance

I can’t remember.

I can’t remember anything except the agony in my ribs as the words leaving your lips faded into a soundless buzzing. I can’t remember anything except the tears in my eyes as I fought to smile so you could leave painlessly. I can’t remember anything except my world collapsing as I realised I’d never feel the softness of your lips and the warmth in your embrace and the comfort in your laughter and the way I fluttered at your touch and your body next to mine. I can’t remember anything except suppressing sobs as I realised I would never again wake up to you holding me or giggle with you under the covers until the sun set and rose or listen to you ramble before shutting you up with flurries of kisses or trace the freckles on your back while murmuring how much I love you.

I'm not sure I want to.

7th August 2023

[amateurish-writer]

Masterlist

A record of things I've written and published on Tumblr :)

Key: 🌷 - favourites

Poetry

Ode to the Moon

Frays of Despair

Only a Dream

Blue Flowers By The Sea

Winter

Moon Lust - 🌷

Darling I've loved you for forever

It Just Took One Dance

Dear Arabella

I Am An Empty Can

Remembrance

Did you know - 🌷

The Aftermath

Elegy to Childhood

[amateurish-writer]

I Am An Empty Can

I am an empty can rattling on and on so you don’t see how hollow I am.

I am a constant ache. A labyrinth of ‘what ifs’, a chest of full ‘why’s, wondering if you did it all for my sake.

I could never regret you, even if I want to rip my heart out and tear it into tiny pieces

until it’s dust, scattering in the cold gusts that sweep chills across my body nothing to keep me warm.

5th August 2023

[amateurish-writer]

Dear Arabella

Dear Arabella I hope you’re doing well. Your face glows brightly in the sun But at night do you ever think of me? You’ve got your shiny new friends But these days it seems I have nobody.

Dear Arabella what did you use to call me? Do you still remember who we were, Or did you lose that in your haste to shed me? Perhaps I was naive to think it would last, But you had my heart until you chucked me in your past.

How can a name be so personal, But so impersonal coming from your lips? I’ve tried to make sense of it, How you could throw me out and leave me to burn, How you could see me half buried, and turn.

Dear Arabella do you feel guilty for it? I never once blamed you, But was letting me go so easy? The wind comes and the flowers go, And all that remains are our carvings on the stone.

Dear Arabella you made many promises to me. We whispered in the dark; And we giggled in the day. I don’t know how to let you go, When all I'd ever known were your laughs and your japes.

Do you expect me to move on As if you’re a stranger on the sidewalk? How do you keep going like everything is alright? Did I really mean so little to you? Because every time I see you my heart hurts like fuck.

So dear Arabella, no. I’m not doing well. My heart may still beat but my corpse is hollow. I can’t sleep at night thinking about you. You professed your love but are you drunk on being free? Because the truth is I loved you more than you loved me.

11 July, 2022

[amateurish-writer]

It Just Took One Dance

How can a heart break for one who’s never held it? How can a heart break despite being so full? How can a heart break after just one dance? The truth is, when I looked into your eyes and you smiled, The world didn’t stop. No, it spun and it spun Until the intensity proved too much and I looked to my feet, Pretending to watch my steps. You smiled a smile so small, but you seared it into my soul. And now I can’t get your eyes out of my mind.

There was so much I wanted to say to you in that moment. But when every possible path leads to heartbreak, How could that simple phrase slip from my lips? My head tied my tongue while my heart fought to set it free. 2 minutes felt like an eternity and your proximity Made my heart race until I feared you’d hear it through the beat of the music. Still, you smiled down at me.

Although we exchanged easy words I felt the silence As much as I felt your hand on my waist and the sweetness in your gaze. Everyone melted away and there was nothing left except for you and I. For the briefest of moments, I wondered what it would be like If I threw caution to the wind. If I told you there and then how I felt about you. If all the stars aligned and I had even the slightest of chances.

But it was not to be. Entertaining these thoughts made me a larger fool when you glanced to the side.

You left me on the dance floor mid-song. You let my waist go first and my hand last. You walked away from me without one look back, and I Left in a daze.

Yet how could I be angry? I couldn’t blame you for my own cowardice Or the irrationality of my heart Anymore than I could blame the moon for her loneliness. The only thing now that I can do really, Is to lock that night away in an unlabelled box in my heart Because I doubt so much that it’s love.

If it’s not love, why does it hurt so much?

As the ending chords play, The infatuated haze around my eyes dissipates As the smoky outline of people sharpen And my steps hasten away from you. I see clearly now, Despite the ghost of your touch lingering on my hand.

7 June, 2022

[amateurish-writer]

Darling I’ve loved you for forever.

Since I first gazed upon your face, Since I first memorised the flecks in your gaze. I never knew you’d mean so much, Until you spun me ‘round and I felt your touch, Hold me close as our cheeks blush, Darling I’ve loved you for forever.

And if you’d take me dear, I’d swear I’d be the best. You’d say “I love the way you look at me” And I’d say “How’s that?” “Like I made the moon and stars to be free.” Honey, imagine being adored as anything less. I’d be the voice in your ear murmuring sweet words, Cascading down, soaring like birds.

A lipstick stain on a wine glass, Witness the sacred vows of our hearts. Beneath the watchful gaze of the stars, We’d pledge to never ever be apart. There’s a white dress and a ring with your name on it, It’s been there for as long as I can remember, Because darling, I’ve loved you since the start of forever.

22 March, 2022

[amateurish-writer]

Moon Lust

The poet drinks the moonlight shining through the window. Cupping his hands he gulps like a man dying of thirst. Silvery wisps float through the air. They’re calling, enticing, whispering. He ignores their temptations, Drinking the moonlight that shines through the window.

He stumbles around, intoxicated. He’s drunk on the moon, drunk on the light, Drunk on the very nectar shimmering on the ocean’s night. The bedazzled sky leaves diamonds in his eyes Waving his arms around the lingering sighs, He stumbles over his feet, intoxicated.

The moons fluidity warps the very room he’s in. Standing on the ledge he reaches a hand up to the sky. A nightmarish heaven as the ghosts stare out from the corner. “Bloodless desire, who are you?” they hiss. Contempt grasps his lapels pulling him back As the moon’s fluidity warps the bedroom he’s in.

Grinning faces peer from the closet, Smirks and impish cheek cackle from the crevice. Leering demons wrap their fingers round the bed post, They creep within the covers hunting, scavenging. Disfiguration, dancing skeletons and deformation giggle As gleeful faces stare from the closet.

The poet scribbles furiously on his parchment. Every second ticked is another step closer. He can feel them on his head on his arms on his back in his eyes. He wants to claw them out, banish them from his mind. Begone, begone he wails. Screeches and screams carry below As the poet scribbles leave dead words.

He abandons the poor souls with a wine-stained vest. Throwing the pen to the floor he dashes around Trying to escape the hellish landscape the room has become. Enclosing in on him he flails wildly and grasps the open ledge, The moon staining his pale, sweating face As he abandons the bloodstained souls.

He is fixated on the moonbeam coming through the window. The glowing aura pierces through the clouds, A kaleidoscope of fragmented silver, floating. It’s ethereality bewitches him, tempting him. Voices whisper to him, they’re louder now, enticing, As he fixates on the moonbeam, reaching out desperately.

His head cracks on the pavement below, painting it red. Discomfort raged and, at the last moment He turned towards the moonlit mirror. Glimpsing first the horrid face of Death grinning with that skull face, He blinked and saw his own. Terror clawed his throat and he escaped off the ledge, His cracked head painting the pavement red.

16 January, 2022

[amateurish-writer]

Winter

Snow falls slowly, gently, Enchanting all those who look its way. Bringing in a blanket of peace, We stand ‘neath the warmth of the lamplit street Flakes coat your hair and I take your hand. As the mist of our breaths merge There seems to be only one thing I can say:

I love you.

26 December, 2021

[amateurish-writer]

Blue Flowers By The Sea

On that day, the sky was blue, So much so that the crystalline sea outside your balcony Dulled in comparison with its glittering waves. The morning air was crisp with the smell of coffee And I spied two clouds floating laze.

That morning, when I awoke, The sheets tangled my legs and the sunlight streamed through the windows, Painting the walls with warmth and its elusive streaks. Perhaps it was true what Edith sang, But I think rose and gold make a pair unique.

That morning, birds were singing. Charming and coaxing, their chorus drew out the sweetest melody. The breeze allowed our neighbour’s chatter to drift in, And our small kitchen suddenly felt like it could fit the world. As you piled our plates you looked to me and grinned.

That afternoon, we took a stroll. Hand in hand the world exploded in vibrancy and colour. And as we passed the sea you turned and laughed carefree. You glowed in the sun almost like Apollo himself, And I found myself entranced with your beauty.

That afternoon, you bought a flower. It was almost as blue as the sky, as blue as your eyes. The mischief in them softened, a look I often saw. So as you tucked it in behind my ear, I swear I saw Venus soar.

That night, more flowers basked In the soft, warm glows of candles and the wafting scent of food, Cloaked by the billowing curtains and the moonbeams. Strangely enough they were outsiders, On our shared intimate seams.

That night, in our shared home, Where the lines separating yours and mine were blurred and defined, And the walls witness our secrets and ecstasy, I realised that my love for you Are like my blue flowers by the sea.

1 November, 2021

[amateurish-writer]

Only a Dream

I dreamed of a land oh so faraway, Where up was down and night was day. I remember the soft caress of night, And laughed and smiled until the morning light. So beautiful and wonderful it was, That I would’ve wept had it even paused.

I reach into the depths of memory, Trying desperately to recall my reverie. A soft, light brush gently against my mind, And scenes of dancing, laughing, hands intwined. My melancholy heart swells up in joy, Love as beautiful as Helen of Troy.

My dream had a garden, filled up with hope, A place for happiness, a place to cope. It had a palace, a grand one indeed, I explored its beauty with an unknown need. I met many people whose faces I’d seen, From all points in time, what a pleasant scene.

Outside the golden streaks of sun emerge. I dread my reality and dreams merge. For the dear, dear friends I will be meeting, No more than a whisper; fleeting, fading. Between the realms of memory and imagination, Facing the mortal horrors of the world, My cheeks are stained wet, eyes wide open.

26 September, 2021

[amateurish-writer]

Frays of Despair

My fury is a hot white iron That burns to the touch. I yield it like a sword Ignoring the jagged bumps on my palms.

My screams are lost to the world. Carried away by the wind, Muffled by the pillow. They hold rage and resentment and rancour. They are relentless.

My stony facade sits on a bank of sand. Day and night waves of hurt crash onto its shore. I fear its erosion.

Is this what I’m reduced to? No other outlets except paper and pen. Pain transformed into metaphors and allegories As my heart races frantically. It’s pathetic. Stupid. A waste of time. I sit on a cliff in my mind. Watching the rain fall is a minor comfort. I struggle to keep afloat my gleaming dreams of perfection. I struggle to keep afloat my delusions of happiness. I struggle to keep afloat my pretence of emotions. It’s so noisy up there...

My despair rots away at me until there is nothing left. The maggots eat at my skin, Gnawing, gnawing. And although I fall apart like my glaciers of tears, I slowly stitch myself back together again. Seam by seam my sanity sews, Hemming the various layers of my smile. Am I Victor’s monster? Or perhaps something much more sinister? You see past my invisible mendings, And I keep smiling. Let’s keep it that way.

23 September, 2021

[amateurish-writer]

Ode to the Moon

I.

Through the mist of darkness, Your halo cuts through the night sky. As they gaze up in wonder, A simple thought cuts through my mind:

“Your beauty is unrivalled in the world of mortals who seek to find another divine parallel.”

And yet, I know thee far better than the fools who claim to be the masters of perfection. Thy gleaming source of light is a comfort in a lonely world, and I bask in thy timeless, silken beams.

What hath they that thou cannot givest? Your companionship is a cold embrace on a warm night, the song that brings peace.

Your ethereal presence, transcends the understanding of mortals, and even Helios himself, despairs at my adoration for you.

Your moonshine casts disturbance, rippling across the vast lake that is memory.

II.

Why do you go away and leave me in my solitude? I’ve only gazed once on your squalid attempts at pallor.

What glistens on the surface graced by thy sacred presence? Is it the threads of childhood Lost through corruption of mind? The glimmering gossamer adorning the skirts of fairies? Or the romance of dreamers, forever drifting through the misty clouds?

Then what churns beneath the surfaces that thy light shall never reach? Is it the secrets of the world That we dream to endeavour? The streaks of darkness present in the feathers of ravens? Or the wisdom of Odin?

III.

Outside the pitter patter of feet echo behind the door. Voices interrupting the mindless fantasies and daydreams of the night… But an empty void fills in the mind’s gaps, longing for a different world.

And so my darling, I bid thee adieu. For time will have swept the dust between my fingers, until I next gaze upon your vibrant clarity.

Till my next reverie, we shall meet again in the realm where the sky and the earth cross, and the cycles of doubt and fear cease, where the peaceful live and courageous thrive.

So as the strokes of time pass, and I wait to see you again,

I indeed shall miss you dearly.

15 August, 2021