amadisonfxo

[amadisonfxo]

February 21, 2022

im feeling very overwhelmed and like a failure to be quite honest! im not nearly as motivated as I was last semester. but that's fine. its probably scientifically impossible to constantly have motivation. I guess my discipline is slightly challenged also because on the days you aren't motivated you need to be disciplined. I love making videos and doing creative things so its a bit tough to want to study microbiology lol. but I have to keep reminding myself that school is temporary, once im done, I can have a job and a salary and a home and peace! PEACE. I love peace. I love being alone, I love not talking, I love my things and I love my mind when its quiet. I have like issues cause I rage when there's people home lol. I just love being alone and don't like to be spoken to unfortunately! I can't wait to have that. especially since I was a kid and my home life has always been chaotic at home, random people, new houses every year, crazy fights. just want peace, in case you didn't know. anyways im procrastinating studying

[amadisonfxo]

February 13, 2022

im feeling very anxious tonight. maybe its the 2 midterms, or the overwhelming schedule. that I've convinced myself isn't so bad. but things not being so bad is subjective? someone else would think my schedule is crazy and someone else would think I have an easy life. nobody has an easy life, everyone has their things. everyone has something that weighs on them, maybe not my boyfriend, he seems like the most chill person on this planet, same with most other males though. I wanna start making YouTube videos again, I just think its fun and I think I am severely misunderstood, or maybe im just narcissistic and I just like myself? lol, I like making videos, I like being funny, Im funnier in front of a camera, or with my friend Olivia, for some reason she makes me feel funny. idk if its our personalities that bring out my funny side? or if im just myself around her, I really do feel most myself, around friends like Olivia. I feel like I portray someone I don't intend to because of the way my regular friend group has evolved, I feel like I can't be my full self, while friends like Olivia acknowledge that I am as creative as I am and are very validating, so I guess I just like validation! jk but I like people who are honest. I like telling people they're cool, and I like people telling me im cool. narcissistic! anyways nursing school is stressing me out, idk if ill make a good nurse, but im in it and im gonna be ok

[amadisonfxo]

you do not need to earn your life

to me, there are things that you do for the maintenance of your life: the time you spend studying for school, the time you spend trying to get your license, the time you spend at the gym, the time you spend working, etc. then, there's the time you spend having experiences that actually make up YOUR LIFE. your core memories and mundane things that you actually enjoy; basement get togethers, ice cream with your friends, going out for dinner, going on trips, getting Starbucks before your 8am, watching movies and shows, those types of things. if you think back on the times you did the things that ‘make up your life’, you can probably relate to the feeling of, thinking you had to “earn” that experience. I've thought to myself countless times, “if I get xyz done, i can go to bed at 10, and watch shameless” or “if I get xyz done this week, I can go to that get-together this weekend”. when I think about all the times I've thought that, that week has now disappeared from my memory. I don't remember 99% of my daily tasks, we probably all go on auto-pilot during the week; driving to work, running this errand, sitting at your desk, driving to school, etc. nobody remembers those things, so it is KINDA silly that we think that we have to do a certain amount of those tasks, to earn ONE experience that you will enjoy, likely get a lot of value from and most importantly, enjoy. human interactions, laughing with people, sharing ideas, sharing thoughts, actually looking people in the face and having fun, i will say, for me, is 100x more valuable then any amount of mundane tasks. thats just some food for thought; doing your homework and being relatively productive is important, but it shouldn’t be your whole life and you should feel no ounce of guilt for LIVING. the things you’re gonna remember are the things you enjoy, like a marg on a thursday night & a crop top, which is where i will be tonight, thank you and have a great day 

[amadisonfxo]

[amadisonfxo]

this song reminds me of you

both sides now 

this song reminds me of my grandpa for no reason at all. hes a cool guy that owns a music store in gander newfoundland but he just seems like the kind of guy that would like these lyrics. he plays the drums and this song is all strings. strange how it makes me think of him. this song reminds me of me. i would write a song like this. i heard this one for the first time in phoenix, tan skinny blondes danced to this in gorgeous purple dresses. i for sure drooled over them. how can someone be that good. this song reminds me of the backroad i like to take when im sad or find myself thinking way too much. ive looked at love from both sides now. give or take. i really dont know love at all. 

unforgettable

this is no sad song. but it reminds me of someone i used to love. it reminds me of taking the bus and thinking to myself. i love mangoritas. never had one i just know i would lmao. the 14th of october used to hold some kind of significance in this relationship and i thought it was crazy how thats the date of all 364 other ones they could have used

the stranger 

this song reminds me of again, the back road. i was going through a messy situation at the time and was thinking to myself how jealous i was how it all worked out for the gurl she was talking about in the song. only longing for that for my own situation. just wanting to start over. i got my wish. i did but at the time i felt like “sometimes i wish i didnt know you at all”. my favourite line was “made the choice to choose us” it makes me picture a couple sitting down and deciding to remake a broken relationship and that is one of the most breathe of fresh air feelings ive ever felt 

[amadisonfxo]

dance

we get back to the studio tomorrow and I'm dreading another night of wasted time sleeping and all I can think about is how many times I've heard people say that going to dance, if we aren't even going to compete, isn't worth it. the only thing I can think of when I hear that is how do you love dance so much but not even wanna go through the process. how do you love dance but only love the end result. that's not me acting like I'm holy and above because I love tech and conditioning classes just as much as the rest because its more then just work, it teaches me so many skills I need beyond dance and I know that, but it’s a genuine question. why don't you love the process? why do you only want the parts we share? the perfected end result?

 I have no career in dance, I have no future in this industry. I wish I did but I taught myself in a basement. I think I do it because I know when I'm 25 and 45 ill be dancing around my kitchen and my backyard just like I've been doing forever, thinking about how for that short period of my life I lived out a long coming hope of mine of someday being on stage. 

it hurts like nothing else knowing that I've only gotten to share this deep deep passion of mine for so little time. its hard to think about, and it may seem small to everyone else whos been dancing since they could walk but I don't know, it hurts for everyone for so many different reasons. I'm not even sure how to cope, why is this happening, is this happening for a good reason, is all this really what's best. I just feel so utterly robbed. we all earned this, its so well deserved and nothing really compares to the emptiness I feel when I think about march 2020 and all the things I've missed since then. there's more to life but this whole season of life is something ill never get back. something I cant reschedule or replace. its just lost. I don't do well with loss, I try not to think about it. 

even if I had stayed skating, this exact situation would be happening but I would have already been through the ringer and back, when I left I already had, I saw all that I needed to see.

in the studio and within myself, I feel like I had so much more potential and now to be back in my basement dreaming about the stage feels like a horrific full circle moment. I never wanted to be back here. I wanted stage lights, music, a team, commitment, sharing in real life. REAL LIFE. late night figuring out choreography before Ms Darby killed me the next day. I feel at a loss. I feel like I only scratched the surface and I have so much more to share, even if its from the back line. I'm thankful for what we get but it hurts to think about what we don't. 

[amadisonfxo]

I sent them a song and I said something self deprecating about how my music is cheesy.

They told me to not apologize for not being like them. I didn’t have the exact same music taste as them and they said to me, something along the lines of, just because it’s not what I usually like doesn’t mean it’s not good. The reply spins around my head everyday when I try to convince myself that what I am isn’t enough or isn’t the best. I am the best for me.

That was honestly the first time in a long time I was reminded that it’s okay to really be yourself. I know kindergarten teachers say that but I’m trying to explain in a more, not kindergarten kind of way. To like what you like, to do what you do and bask in it. Like stage lights. Listen to music you like and pretend like you’re under bright stage lights and you’re the star of the show. You’re the star of your own show. Always have been always will be. Might as well bask in the lights. Some people just, inspire you. They just make you want to create and make you want to be fully yourself. They’ve convinced you that what you do is fully beautiful and fully special. And there’s not many of those people in the world. They’ll teach you to bask in your lights.

[amadisonfxo]

I wish I could escape the mindset of apologizing for who I am and what I need. I am enough. Always have been always will be. Everything I love and everything I think is so valid.

[amadisonfxo]

I don’t give myself enough credit. Not enough for all that I’ve been through alone. I spent my hard days alone on back roads, I spend hours in my room organizing and planning, not even for anything specific I just tend to have 1000 of ideas that I just need to get out in the world or just on a piece of paper to remember, I spend afternoons alone cleaning my dads house, for what? He’s been gone for months at a time.

The worst one that I didn’t even realize until this week was that, a moment you’re supposed to share with someone, anyone close to you, was shared with me and me only. Maybe I am the most important influence, motivator, teacher, you get the point, in my own life. I don’t know anyone who is more thoughtful, sympathetic, organized and consistent as me. I wish words like that didn’t sound so cocky. It’s just true. I still live with my parents, I have sisters I have lots, but nobody came to see my grad dress, I came home so excited and told them I was going back tommorow to get it and eh nobody really cared that much, which is fine. For me. But seeing everyone else’s moms come in and take their picture and send it to their friends, shed some tears maybe. I don’t know. The thought of my experience seems empty. I wouldn’t really want it any other way now that I think about it, it just seems like something that would happen for me.

I truly feel I have the most utter sense of self reliance and independence. I don’t feel like I deserve a single penny from anybody, I truly have a hard time taking even pay backs from my parents for picking up groceries. It sounds damn silly but I truly truly can’t imagine why anyone would owe me a single thing. I believe that I make my own world and If I want something I’m gonna need to work for it. Absolutely nobody is responsible for my success, my happiness, my growing, but me. Absolutely nobody else.

In bed thoughts 11.18.20

[amadisonfxo]

but while investing deeply in one person, one place, one activity, one job. there are some experiences that you can have only when you've lived in the same place for 5 years or you've been with the same person for over a decade or working on the same skill or craft for half your lifetime. commitment offers a wealth of opportunity that otherwise would not be available. When you're pursuing a wide breadth of people, places, jobs, things, sex, love, friendships, each of these new experiences, comes less value. the less significant these experiences become for you. less is more rewarding, commitment is rewarding. commitment makes decision making easier and removes fear of missing out. knowing that what you have is already good enough. Understanding that the grass isn't always greener, its greener where you water it. commitment allows for higher goal achieving and a greater degree of success. depth is where the gold is buried

the subtle art of not giving a fuck / freedom through commitment. Mark Manson

[amadisonfxo]

10.1.20

[amadisonfxo]

& probably always will

[amadisonfxo]

Open hands are hard to hold onto anyway

[amadisonfxo]

Only want to make you proud

[amadisonfxo]

reminders , august 18.20

You cant be happy, loving, busy, moving, and working all the time. Neither can anyone. You can’t expect anything from anybody. The easiest thing to do and possibly the hardest thing I had to learn was to simply only rely on me. Sure you can rely on somebody to pick you up and drop you off, show up when you make plans but for things like your sanity and happiness, there always comes a time when you really have to sit yourself down and really hit yourself over the head and remind yourself that nobody in your life is always gonna be happy, loving, busy, moving and working. Everyone around you is on their own time. Nobody could possibly put you ahead of their primary needs and they shouldn’t. Another thing I had to ask myself is why should they prioritize me and my needs? Maybe this heavy question rooted from childhood trauma or from past insecurities. Maybe these things turned me cold, I run on my own time, Ive never done that before. I don’t wake up worried about other people anymore, it’s hard understanding when this all happened. I’ve started wondering why people should check up on me, why they care, why aren’t they so worried about their growth. I know that everyday I’m constantly worried about what I can do to make my future better and this and that, it’s not always a good thing and I don’t always love that part of me. the things i do make me happy but they are always done in order for something better to come out of it eventually. This is good and bad. Good because theres a possibility ill thank myself later, or on the other hand, maybe ill never be present. That is one of my biggest fears. Not appreciating where I am now and regretting it later. I truly do love every part of my life but I just think way to much and speak way too little of it, Im in my own head way to much. I dont think my friends are small minded but I only have pockets of opportunity to really talk about how I feel. Thats not necessarily my fault but explaining your twisty mind to happy people is difficult. I am happy but sometimes it takes too much work to convince myself that its true happiness. Sometimes im with groups of people and I really question my sense of belonging for no reason and my mind runs to a different place. almost like an out of body experience. i feel like im watching myself from someone elses eyes. I deserve to be with the people Im around but that takes a lot of convincing sometimes. sometimes i wonder why everyone has these great friends who they can talk to all the time who they can see all the time and talk about anything. ive dreamt of those people since i lost them. i miss them. life so flies by and being this age is so pivotal yet so fun and so beautiful. I can do just about anything so everyday trying to figure out whats worth it, is heavy. But i truly do love the process. even waking up feeling a little depressed sometimes, gives me a good reason to put a lot of makeup on, so really theres good in everything. 

[amadisonfxo]