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[alwaysscheming]

Falling into place

4/19/23

I’m still waiting for the part where it feels like I was born to do this. I’ve sensed a spark of it but not enough for it to ignite a flame. But I feel better now than I have in months. All the anger and self loathing I had last year has turned into hatred towards the people that forced me into that position. I still hope they have miserable pathetic lives and right now my hatred is timeless but I know that this too will dissipate and turn into apathy in a few months if not years. 

I’m excited about what this coming year will bring. I’m still studying and working hard but now it feels natural and not like I’m fighting an uphill battle. It feels like an entire lifetime has gone by in five minutes, rather than five minutes lasting an entire lifetime. I wish I could go back in time and tell the girl I was last year that she is capable of so much more than she was reduced to, and that she is smart and beautiful and capable and that is not something that can be taken away from her. That she will be in a better place. That she won’t have to worry about what specialty she wants to match into or whether people will like her or whether she’ll even be able to get out of bed and eat and shower. That the suffering feels infinite but it can pave the way for something more. And that I am there to protect her, and that I am her angel guardian and I will stop standing in her way and let her thrive. Things will be easy and things will be hard but I have my own back and that to me is quite enough. I’m so thankful and happy that I made it to see her to this day.

[alwaysscheming]

Apple notes collection

10/30/22

How is it possible to feel so much at the same time? Am I some kind of narcissist to think that this is abnormal? I feel like at some point I was entirely stripped of all my convictions. I feel like everything I do is wrong. Even my thoughts about being wrong all the time are wrong. Ha, it’s meta, get it? My current life raft is medicine. To me it is both the thing that’s forcing my head underwater and providing a life raft. It honestly feels like the only thing that is anchoring me but also encourages some destructive habits. It feels like right now, medicine is all I have. But that’s wrong. I have friends, I have family, the people who stuck around during my darkest times are still here. It’s so hard for me to expose my deepest thoughts. I hope that one day I’ll find a partner in someone who will let me share those thoughts without shame. 

My problems aren’t fucking real. I come from a place of privilege and I dont have any real problems. So tell me why do I want to fucking kill myself? Why does every day feel like torture - like someone’s pulling my teeth out one my one? Like every nerve — maybe that’s an exaggeration, see look at me go making my problems bigger than they actually are. I’m still convinced that people who are unloved and unwanted should be allowed to die. I don’t want to be alive. Very few people care if I am alive or not. So what does it matter if I don’t exist anymore? Who is it hurting if I stop existing? I feel like I should be allowed to go in peace on my own terms. I will never be loved. I will never love or truly trust anyone. I’m sick and twisted and a monster and a freak and I don’t and will never get to join the people who deserve to live and be happy club. That gate has been locked since day one. So please, please please please please please let me die. Please let me go, please. 

I’m never going to get better. I’m never gonna make it out of here.

11/12/22- I’m starting to think I have Stockholm syndrome. I’ve been at the hospital for 13 hours and somehow it doesn’t feel like that much time has passed. I’m tired and sleepy but the idea of coming back here and doing this again for 6 more days doesn’t seem that horrible. I don’t think it’s because I’m enjoying this- I think it’s because I can’t feel anything anymore. After weeks of this post Covid cough and burnout from medical school, my lungs and brain have become fibrotic. Basic hygiene has been missing for months. Some days I brush my teeth once in the morning and call it a day. I’m on my period and have been wearing the same pad for 12 hours. Pretty sure I smell. I eat one meal a day at best and some days I’m so angry I don’t even eat at all. Haven’t felt good about myself in months.  Get me the fuck out of this cold miserable hell. 

11/14/22- I definitely lied. I still feel things but the only thing I now feel is pure uncensored rage. I hate my stupid loveless unfulfilling life. I hate my friends who I can’t seem to open up to anymore. I hate my mom who came all the way across the country to feed me cause I can’t feed myself. I hate my attending who’s making me present an evidence based medicine assignment for the second time in 3 days. I hate the hospital. I hate this school. I hate the kind sweet anxious old lady who spits up her eggs every morning when I go to listen to her heart. I hate myself for hating her. I hate humanity. I think all sense of humanity has been burnt out of me. The only reason I even cry anymore is out of hatred. Humanity is disgusting and filthy. If humanity didn’t exist , I wouldn’t have to be in medical school. I hope I die and the rest of the world goes to hell. Fuck everyone. Fuck this. 

11/15/22- I keep thinking I’m going to lose this battle when actually I’ve already lost.