alvitzasstuff

[alvitzasstuff]

June 26th

I journal here because I know that no one I know in real life can find me.. or cares enough to find me lol anywho, it’s been a roller coaster of emotions.. I’ve come to accept that I’m staying.. even when I feel like the feelings might not be there I’m willing to work, fight for something. I hate feeling vulnerable and I really hope it’s with the right person.. I guess we’ll see huh? 

[alvitzasstuff]

June 22, 2022

Its my oldest birthday today, I feel like a fucken mess.. he’s in California and I can’t help but wish I was there..

I decided to stay, but I’m left double guessing that. I’ve asked him time after time if maybe it was too late? I’ve come to realize that he’s made me believe it was my fault that i caused this.. him cheating. Was all my fault?

That’s stupid to even consider. the gaslighting is real on this one. I didn’t even realize it. There’s days where im ready to walk away.. to grow from this but i feel trapped.. both emotionally and mentally maybe even financially.

I keep thinking about him, her. All of it.

Can I learn to be forgiving is this something I can actually learn to let go and is he actually serious about me or is he just waiting for her to show back up?

[alvitzasstuff]

I wonder

I’m left wondering how I became a second option.. when did I become irrelevant to him and just not good enough? Can two people walk away and fix theirselves or is that just short for “it’s time too move on” I can’t help but now feel so replaceable and like these 6 years I never got to actually know him.. that he can sit and lie to me directly without remorse.

[alvitzasstuff]

May 31, 2022

I really want to make a change. I want to have more energy for my boys, I want to less myself a little less and stop hiding behind my mask and big clothes. I really want to make a change.. so here’s to jume hopefully being the day I step away from what I’m use to.

[alvitzasstuff]

March 05, 2022

I go back to work today!

Isn’t that crazy how exciting that is? Like I genuinely like where I am.. I genuinely like the people who surround me. It’s 7 am and I’ve been sitting “reflecting” for the past hour or so.. probably two now that I realize it, but yeah.

I’m happy with where I stand with who I stand but I have considered changing.. myself? I’m finally in a place where I can openly say I’m not happy with myself I’ve let myself go.. for years putting everyone ahead of myself. but that’s a project for later

[alvitzasstuff]

March 03, 2022

Things have changed

I’m not one to appreciate change..

but here we are embracing it. Things aren’t perfect but hey when are they ever? I’m glad to say we’re finally getting things caught up. We’re employed and healthy and I think I found someone to watch the kids which is such a relief.

[alvitzasstuff]

January 06 2022

Last night (well early this morning) someone broke into our car.. they emptied our glove compartment and stole our second pair of keys.

Which has left me feeling off. I feel unsafe in this place I call home. I left California for this reason.. and I think it’s mostly because I now know that someone has my keys.. which makes me feel like they could easy either steal my car or break in our home. which makes me feel HORRIBLE. how does one manage? Because even after changing the locks to the apartment (which the leasing office is making ME pay for) I still feel unsafe.. does that ever go away?

[alvitzasstuff]

January 01, 2022

Isn’t it crazy, a new year.

Why is it that every year it becomes more and more shocking to make it to yet again another year? any who I could spend hours talking about what I want for this year and what I feel like I need but I’d like to just start by being grateful for yet another year with the ones I love the most!

[alvitzasstuff]

November 23, 2021

I’d been officially working for 12 days, 12 days and I’ve caught covid. I was so precautious for two years and just being back to work that’s all it took.. I’m nervous to spread it to the kids.. how do I quarantine from them? How am I suppose to pay our bills? soo many questions not many clear answers for now.

[alvitzasstuff]

November 12 , 2021

Today I went to orientation for target while I wait for my call back for the job I thought I wanted.. I’m so scared to say no that I find myself just pushing through things.. target isn’t a horrible company but it is very unreliable when it comes to hours. nonetheless I’m great full for having the opportunity to work because at the end of the day I have to feed my kids and make sure our bills get paid. The holidays are coming and I just wanna make sure we have a roof over our heads and that the kids don’t even notices us struggling.. I’m excited to go back to work I hope I meet some nice people lol cause I lack social interaction.

[alvitzasstuff]

November 10, 2021

It’s been a day or so that I haven’t been here venting about my day.. mostly because I’m not sure how I feel anymore. I’m not sure if I’m in denial or things are actually gonna be okay? I still haven’t heard back about my job start day and my savings are diminishing. God everyday I’m just reminded about how easily my problems would “go away” if I ran back to my home state.. but truthfully that’d be me fully surrendering to my failure or so it would feel like. What do I have left? But to be optimistic and drag myself on until things just “get better.”

[alvitzasstuff]

November 07 , 2021

The time changes tonight and as much as I’d wish I’d enjoy that extra hour of course the boys decide they’re staying up tonight. I’m so mentally and physically drained every night that I find myself just not having a filter anymore.. I feel like someone says one wrong thing and I’m ready to explode. I’m really hoping that I hear back this week from my job so I can finally start.. I’ve also looked into selling plasma just to make sure we don’t fall behind.. + hey maybe I’ll have money to buy the boys gifts? I’m really hoping I see our family this Christmas.. but also hope for better days from here on out. We’ll see.

[alvitzasstuff]

November 05, 2021

Things are starting to feel okay and I think that’s the scary part.. because nothing is actually okay. My partner is mentally losing it and physically won’t do anything to help himself.. so I’m stuck with making sure he’s okay and the kids are okay.. but who helps me? Well tbh I don’t even think anything is physically or mentally wrong with me.. just sometimes it does feel like a lot especially when my partner has checked out mentally. god there are so many times a day I just want things to go back to normal, I wanna work already because the financial stress is starting to weight in. I’m trying my best to make sure the kids don’t see it.. but god.. I’m stressed. I wish my family would really consider moving here, I wish I wasn’t so alone out here.

[alvitzasstuff]

October 29th 2021

Is it odd that as excited as I was for Halloween I now feel eh about it? It’s strange really, idk. I feel like I was soooo excited until the day got closer? Idk. I mean so much has been going on that I’m starting to loose touch of reality.. I mean things were BAD a couple days ago.. and they’re good now but it just feels odd? You know.

[alvitzasstuff]

October 28, 2021

I got the job that I wanted.. but because of certain events I realize I was so desperate for the job that I accepted 12 dollar.. 12 fucken dollars! How am I suppose to feed my family and pay our bills? That’s pathetic. after evaluating the situation I realize I should have asked for more, known my worth.

[alvitzasstuff]

October 20 2021

Today I fucked up, I was looking forward to having my ikea interview.. turns out I wrote my number incorrectly.

Reapplying to jobs has become so frustrating, I’ve come to realize how much time I dedicate to target.. how do I only have two different store under the same company? I’m 26. this shit is frustrating.

[alvitzasstuff]

October 18th 2021

I’m starting this random page, that either people I know will see or not.. I might share it knowing myself.

for now it’ll be my safehaven or whatever you’d call it. There is so much happening around me.. but it’s things I can’t speak on because it’s happening to someone I love not me personally.. yet affects me just as much.

there are so many moments that I sit in the bathroom wondering if I’ve made a mistake.. if we’ve made a mistake moving so far away.. but then we go to places like this and I fall back in love with Utah.