alterants - Tumblr blog

[alterants]

When my hip hurts and it locks so that I can't sit on the toilet without forcing it I get triggered so bad I have a flashback of when I was really really little and getting yelled at for not being able to sit on the toilet and crying because I didn't understand why I had to hurt so bad

[alterants]

will I ever go a night without getting triggered?

[alterants]

There's a youtuber that josh caught feels for and we have to remind ourself that just cause a few headmates are gay dudes doesn't mean aren't a lesbian

[alterants]

We've started to notice a pattern of who fronts when but it looks like. Josh is fronting now so maybe there isn't actually a pattern

[alterants]

Subsystems are real and valid. In fact it's a very common thing for polyfragmented systems. We don't have any but have talked to enough people on and offline to know they are real. We have talked to not only systems but also mental health professionals, one specializing on dissociative disorders. If your system has a subsystem you are still valid!

~Scarlet

[alterants]

things we used to say before we knew we were a system:

“huh, guess it’s a good art night”

“wow, I feel like a girl for once? I guess I must be genderfluid after all?”

“you already told me that story” -“oh, I did? when?”

“when did I relearn cursive?”

“I am just really not feeling my favorite song? I guess I’ll go back to my old one, that sounds better”

“sorry, you know how bad my memory is”

“you know how fickle I can be, I’ll go back to liking that in a few days”

“I forgot my favorite color again”

“haha, just ‘in a mood’ you know how I can be, I can never make up my mind”

“I just sometimes have an accent, not sure why”

[alterants]

I don't talk about it much cause it's horribly traumatic but since it's open, I came out of the closet when I was in middle school. I knew I was gay as soon as I knew it was okay to be gay. Growing up as a gnc gay child, I had dyke and fag and queer all thrown at me. Because I thought I was bisexual, everyone started rumors about me that I was promiscuous. As a fucking child. So to be an adult now, in a happy gay relationship with a woman I plan on marrying, and to be told that my experience with how I grew up is wrong?? And that they weren't calling me a slur??? It's bullshit

[alterants]

I'm drowning in tonight. The shadow people are too much. The paranoia is too much. My fiancee being sick is too much.

He was on top of me while I was lying next to her and he kept trying to reach his hands around my throat and now I'm wondering if he's the reason that I can't breathe sometimes in the middle of the night and that's extremely scary to me. He has a mask but otherwise his body is made completely of shadow. he wasn't tangible but what if he is when I'm not aware. I'm so scared but she can't help me because she's sick

[alterants]

We're dumb. We can't do anything and we shouldn't even try. What's the point of being alive when you're such an idiot compared to the people around you who can actually put things in an eloquent and understandable way.

[alterants]

i unexpectedly woke up fronting and now I'm in anime girl hell while my girlfriend sleeps. Is it weird to be a headmate who is always looking for a fictive identity to latch on to? Is that strange? I just feel so. Idk I feel so nonexistent in this world otherwise like there's nothing grounding me. There's nothing I can point to and say with confidence, that's me :/

[alterants]

I don't remember being this sad by myself. I don't know what happened. I'm not sad for any particular reason so I want to know if this is my sad or someone else's sad. I'm just full to the brim and overwhelmed with tears and I really don't know what to do with myself. Does anyone know how to stop this?

[alterants]

You are not a monster. You have a system, you have some members that have some problems. But it does not make you a monster. You are so much more than that.

[alterants]

this weekend is like. Dial it up on the schizophrenia x10 like I am just really so fucked up right now and we barely have any idea who is fronting and when anymore we just have huge amounts of time that are gone and it's so scary and I really don't want the rest of my life to be like this but I feel like no matter what I do it doesn't work

[alterants]

I wish we didn't have a dissiociative disorder

[alterants]

What am I supposed to do when I feel like this

[alterants]

Hmm suddenly bad night. Suddenly very much psychosis and impulses

[alterants]

my girlfriend telling us how pretty we are and how soft out skin is makes us unfortunately worried about what's going to happen when we transition