aloraya

[aloraya]

One day, I'll stop feeling sorry for myself.

//juh.

[aloraya]

It's time to be active ulit here huehuehue

[aloraya]

Mahal kita, Sinta.

[aloraya]

...

I’m just checking and I’ll tell you that I’m just checking if you will notice. Pero ayun nga wala. Well, maybe ganon talaga ako kaboring kausap. I don’t know until when I can last long, Sinta. Kasi I feel lonelier each day. I want to just send you a message pero alam mo yung I might just go seen or inboxzoned. Thinking of the future kinda makes me scared. Will we be like this for the rest of our lives? I know it sounds unfair cause I should do my part but I’m just saying my mind or else, mabubuang ako kakaoverthink. I really should start praying now, shouldn’t I? I want to be ready when I say this to you kasi I know I’m scared to let you go and let what we have fall apart but right now, I think what we have is falling apart.

I’m sorry if I keep disappointing you. I’m sorry if I’m not your ideal woman like Ate Sarah and whoever else that is more bold and… more spiritual. But I really can’t stay if I ain’t the one to help you and we both know that. I’m just praying for freedom from this situation and I know that my freedom would be speaking up. I pray that when I speak up, I’m courageous and brave enough to face whatever it is ahead of me, of us.

What do I want? I want us to talk. Have a conversation like normal partners/couples do. Kahit 30mins to 1hr lang everyday. I miss you every single day and I’m afraid na masyado tayong nasanay sa naging setup natin noon. Frankly, I’m waiting for you to break the ice. Maybe I’m asking for too much.

But this doesn’t mean that you’re an awful man or any negative. In fact, you’re amazing. You’re lovely and beautiful. Minsan I can’t help but think that I don’t deserve you. It’s just that as of the moment, I’m hurting because we are not talking enough. I feel insecure, jealous and unassured… and I’ll never be enough for you. I wish you’d involve me in your grind but I may have given you too m much disappointments for you to consider that. I feel left out and boxed out.

Pero ayun nga, you’re an amazing person and I love to be like you someday.

Whatever it is, I’ll always want the best for you, for us. Whether it will be breaking us apart or binding us together, I want you to know that I love you. No matter what.

I love you, John.

(2/2)

[aloraya]

...

Tonight, I went on another monologue episode while taking a bath. Say I’m crazy or whatever but as of the moment that’s the only way for me to cope up.

I thought I’m all good. Akala ko resolved na ‘tong problema ko that has been screaming at me for ilang months na… maybe year/s.

I can’t help but feel farther from you than before and the distance grows apart day by day. Why are we in this situation?

Oh right. Hindi nga pala tayo nag-uusap.

I think I’ve given myself that push to be courageous enough and say my mind but nah. I fold each and every time. I’m scared to make things messier and I’m afraid to let go kasi anytime, we can just vanish.

I’m sad, kasi alam mo ba may narinig ako kay Mama. She was so happy she were able to get a casio watch and a gold necklace out of paluwagan na linggo-linggo nyang tiniis bayaran. Alam mo ba ang sabi nya? “Para man lang may remembrance ako.” I felt alarmed. I asked her remembrance para saan? But she didn’t answer. Siguro I’m thinking things way too far but I can’t just be emotional sa harap nya. I just nodded and “hm-mm” to agree that the watch and necklace is beautiful and nice and that it’s a good investment. She said it’s real. Alam ko namang lahat tayo may oras para sa dulo. I just don’t know why Mama gives off vibe that she’s tired. With trembling hands and tears gushing out, andon yung prayer ko deep inside na wag muna. Hindi namin kaya. Hindi ko kaya.

Before that happened, I’m in the bathroom. The only place where I can cry freely but without the sound. I told the wind in that cold bathroom what I wanted to say to you in case we go 3 years and 6 months. I blocked you on Messenger on purpose yesterday but until now wala pa din akong naririnig from you. I mean, we never really speak with each other but really? You never open our thread kahit walang chat? Maybe you don’t have the time. I just decided to block you kasi after our chat, hindi ka na sumagot. Sinta, I’m kind of getting frustrated. I can’t help but think you’re unfair. I bet hindi ka ganito sa mga cell member mo, kila Kuya Ezra or even Ate Sarah.

(1/2)

[aloraya]

is it me or you are just distancing yourself?

[aloraya]

Instead of being inspired, I'm being frustrated lately.

[aloraya]

am i selfish? am i unfair?

Am I selfish?

Am I unfair?

I don’t really know. Maybe I am.

I am being selfish acting all cool and keeping it all in. I thought I can endure it for eternity. But now, thoughts, emotions and everything that I kept within me concerning you are slowly eating up my insides. Nararamdaman ko ng papalapit na ako sa ‘pagsabog’. I’m being selfish thinking how unfair and insensitive you are at times all by myself habang ikaw, walang kaaalam-alam about my thoughts.

I think I really can’t open up to you fully yet.

Why?

Because I’m scared. I’m scared to disappoint you which seems to be happening lately with reasons I don’t know–I just feel it from you. I have talked to some important persons and I felt like I’m being compared to someone. I haven’t heard it from you yet so I don’t want to dive so much but the thought is eating me out, Sinta. I keep having thoughts na kapag nag-away tayo talaga, magbbreak tayo agad.

Ganon ba kababaw yung commitment ko sayo? No.

Pero kapag bumitaw ka, wala akong magagawa. I keep having this thought na when everything went shitty, napakadali lang for you para bitawan ako.

Oo, I felt unsecured and unassured.

We have a problem voicing our hearts out. And if that miraculous day happens, I believe na maiiyak nalang ako.

I hate being abandoned and I fear that.

But somehow, Sinta, I feel that way with you. Alam kong hindi mo ako pasanin and I should be mature enough to go on with my life. Pero ewan ko ba, I feel insecure and jealous when I see you having fun with them but not with me. Siguro naiinggit lang ako kasi naiisip ko, sana may ganon ka ding moments saken.

Sunday afternoon, Kuya JE asked me what I wanted our relationship to look like when we get married. All I could think of is I want our relationship to feel like home, like a refuge. But right now, while that home is under construction, parang nanganganib pang matangay ng bagyo.

Sinta, I’m not ready and I’ll never be ready if that 'worst’ day comes. But I’m praying earnestly and sincerely to God to give me courage to tell you how much I love you no matter what. Siguro partly, makikipagbargain pa ko sayo in a discreet way nyan pero most likely, I want you to know how I love you even for once.

I will never regret loving you, Sinta.

I love you.

[aloraya]

Dear John

More than the changed tone and coldness, I wish you’d talk to me. Why are we not so honest with each other? Why is it hard to speak up when this should be the most natural thing for the both of us?

I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive but I can’t help feeling this way. I can’t help feeling like you’re silently showing me your frustrations. Didn’t I meet your expectation again?

I sent you that chat with trembling hands and scared heart. I’m really scared to send that but I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want being eaten up by this never-ending overthinking anymore.

So decide iF you still want to hold my hand or not.

[aloraya]

Insecure

I am insecure.

And as days go by, it's starting to eat me out.

I don't know how to get off this hell.

Help.

[aloraya]

sinta, i love you ♥︎

[aloraya]

dear, i just wonder… am i still a blessing to you?

i think i’m not… maybe never?

[aloraya]

If you dislike engaging in a convo with me—okay. I won’t ask a thing.

[aloraya]

There are times that I feel so distant from you.

And there are times that I want to distance myself from you.

My dearest John, lately I don’t know how to read you. I’ve been running out of patience with all the things that has been going in me lately and somehow I feel I’m running out of patience because of you too. This is unfair I know and I’m selfish too.

You said last time na magalit ako sayo.

Right now gusto kong magalit sayo. Lately, you’ve been making me feel alone and insecure. We were good sometimes but sometimes I don’t know. I’m happy you seem to be all good but at the same time I’m mad that you’re insensitive.

Sabi mo magalit ako sayo. Na magsabi ako.

But when times like these come, di ko magawa. Kasi ang selfish ko. I don’t want to be angry or mad kasi I don’t like me when I’m being like this��I’m being selfish. Ayaw kitang makita for the meantime but at the same time I want to hug you and cry. Our relationship is not like the others but… does it specifically and intentionally be this way?

Ayokong magburst sa harap mo so I’m dropping this here kasi I’m ugliest when I’m like this. And when I’m ugliest, it’s easiest for you to leave. I keep having this anxiety that I’m easy to let go because there will always be better than me (ten folds).

But yeah, I want to love you.

Naiiyak ako kasi I don’t know how. Yung hindi ka masasaktan or what but I know it’s impossible—kasi ako naman yung nagffall apart.

Ang unhealthy ko no?

Pasensya ka na.

Kaya kapag magppropose ka saken, I’ll ask you many times. Gusto kong maging sure ka kasi ako sure ako pero I want assurance from you.

[aloraya]

I'm really having a hard time right now.

I don't know why I'm in this seemingly unending phase. I've lost sight of my passion and purpose and days are but a fleeting time. I cry myself to sleep most of the nights while I prevent it from happening playing Genshin Impact as an excuse. I can't get myself to pray, to open my Bible or to even do my devotion and yet I get to stand up there as a "songleader". A hypocrite, I know. Feel free to hate me—I hate myself, too, trust me.

I have family, friends, boyfriend and even cellgroup but no matter how many connections I have, I still feel alone. I still feel like no one will sit beside me to talk to me for a while. I still feel like I'm left with no one. And that makes this whole thing even worse.

For many people, I'm an easy confidante. I love that. I love that they trust me with their heartfelt concerns and I really do want to keep it for them because I know how heavy it is to feel everything and find no one to speak about it. But yeah, maybe because I'm easy—I'm also easy to ditch or abandon if not needed. I'll cross their minds if they need me. Not that I despise that because as I said, I love it. I love listening to them since most of the time, it's just what we need—someone who listens.

I'm tearing up again because I have no 'real friend' present. I can only turn to socmeds like here and twitter to dispose my baggages but that doesn't mean that I'm not hurting. Baka may magsasabi ang emosyonal ko naman—yeah I am but is it a sin to mourn for my broken heart? Is it a sin to wail because I have no one?

Some days, I would look at our window and just take a good look at the tree and the sky. I reminisce and ask, am I not alone before? Yes, I am and I still am. It's just sad because before, there are few people standing around but now there's much people and yet I can't get a connection from them.

I want them to feel warm and home when they are with me.

But there's no one to offer me a warm home.

Even the one I thought I was closest.

That's why I'm even more afraid to talk because questions always hang in my head—"If I talk, will they really listen? Will they stay to listen regardless of what they think about everything I'm saying?"

And yeah.

I'm going to bear and suck it all again. Will I see light at end of this?

[aloraya]

Dear John,

So I am writing today to say some things that has been in my heart. I decided to put this here kahit na hindi mo mababasa just to let it all out or else, I will explode. I know na hindi makakarating ito sayo and it’s okay.

So nito lang, I deactivated my social media accounts except my Instagram (which I don’t always use) and tumblr (which I also don’t always use). Ngayon lang ulit ako nakabisita sa tumblr ko since I can’t do it in the work anymore. I’ve been wanting to tell you things or thoughts that has been bothering me but yeah, natatakot pa din akong iapproach ka para magkwento. Naiintindihan ko na you have a lot of things going on in your mind already and ayoko ng dumagdag pa.

Nalulungkot lang ako.

Nalulungkot lang talaga ako.

Some people reached out and asked if I’m okay and I am truly grateful for their lives. Alam ko naman din na hindi ko dapat iniisip yung mga ganitong bagay kasi nga I chose this road para na din maseclude yung sarili ko for a while and align my heart with God. Nalulungkot lang ako na parang pakiramdam ko, wala kang pake. Hindi ko naman binibigay sayo yung responsibilidad to check on me at hindi ko din naman nagagawa yun sayo kasi somehow nahihiya pa din ako mag-initiate and I’m slowly working on it. When you’re in the wilderness, I realized na dapat may kausap ka kahit isa–and I’m looking for you.

Sa mga ganitong season, I feel like you’re just letting me be.

Wala namang masama doon. Wala talaga.

Siguro naman you prayed for me ganon pero hindi mo ba ako kakausapin?

Nalulungkot ako kasi parang wala lang ako sayo. Madalas ganon yung nararamdaman ko. You mentioned before you feel like I’m building a wall between us pero natatakot lang ako maging burden sayo. Parang ngayon, nalulungkot ako kasi I’m not hearing anything from you and that makes me think that if I open my lips to tell you how my heart feels right now, I’ll be a burden to you.

I feel like I’m walking on thin ice that if I just decide to do anything, I might just fall in the river under.

Sorry for being selfish sa ganitong thought.

Naiintindihan ko naman yung kalagayan mo like you are so busy right now kasi start na ng academic year niyo, you are bombarded with workloads and that it is your birth month and you may be experiencing birth month blues. You have a lot of things to take care and to think of while I’m more free compared to your schedule and tasks.

I received your SMS but I refuse to open it. Siguro when I’m done with my pause-time nalang.

Don’t think din na nagtatanim ako ng galit sayo or what. I wrote it here so that it won’t stay in my heart. I want you to feel home when you see me, when you talk to me, when you listen to me and when you are with me. I just want you to feel warm so I’m leaving this here.

And if by any chance na mabasa mo to, I love you, that all you need to remember. I may rant all day how bad I feel but at the end of the day, I still love you because you are my home.

[aloraya]

Nagugutom nako shet hahahahaha hinahantay lang kita. Ito ang ayaw ko kapag meron akong kasama e. Ayaw ko kasi sa feeling yung ako lang mag-isa yung kumakain. I really don't like the feeling seryoso.

Pero nagugutom nako hahahahaha dalian mo na jan