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[aloneinthis-world]

[aloneinthis-world]

Oscar Wilde

[aloneinthis-world]

The worst thing about being suicidal is that you can’t really do it when you think about the loved ones you’d leave behind or hurt. You make me hurt so bad sometimes. I feel like I’m married to my father sometimes. It scares the shit out of me. You make me feel so low about myself and then try and turn it on me like I’m the one being irrational and dramatic. I know I’m not being irrational or overreacting. You’re just a fucking asshole and you treat me like shit sometimes. My heart hurts.

[aloneinthis-world]

[aloneinthis-world]

[aloneinthis-world]

Fuck you, stupid dumb fuck. While you went and made a stupid decision I have to pay for this shit. I have to fucking take care of everything and all you do is bitch when one little simple thing needs to be done. Fuck you. Im tired of the disrespect. Im fucking tired of being taken for granted. Figure your own shit out. Fuck you.

[aloneinthis-world]

You make me sick to my stomach. You say these things to purposefully hurt me, which is worse than saying them by accident. I think its amazing how you can take everything and turn it on me. Im uprooting my whole fucking life, packing your shit, making sure everything is taken care of for you just for you to throw it in my face and say “you knew what you were getting into”. Fuck you. Go across the country by yourself. You treat me like fucking shit. Every fucking day we fight. Im so sick of this. Im so sick of you. Im so sick of being strong and handling everything. I lied. I do want to die. I think about how easy it would be to just throw myself down the fucking stairs and break my neck. I wouldnt have to worry about having to feel that sick disgusting rotting feeling in my stomach everytime we fight and you treat me like your punching bag. Im disgusted with you. Youre not a nice person. You treat the people you love like shit. You walk all over them and expect them to jump through hoops for you. Im fucking done. You disgust me. Im done waking up and having a fucking panic atrack everyday. Im done fighting off these feelings of depression. Why would I move across the country and uproot my whole life for someone who treats me like this? Im a fool for thinking you would treat me different and you could change to be empathetic, sensitive and understanding. Youre angry, and a huge fucking asshole. Im not going to be your punching bag anymore. Im not doing this. Im blocking your number. Find a new wife, because im fucking done.

[aloneinthis-world]

I wake up almost everyday sick to my stomach from anxiety. Its starting to control my life again. I keep thinking its a phase that ill get over soon, but soon isnt coming enough. Every day I dread the arguments and ruining the limited time we have talking to each other. How can I make this better? And why does it always fall on my shoulders to fix things? Go along with your stubborn attitude snd back down to fit into your box? I dont want to make myself fit into your box anymore. Theres compromising and then theres this. Im sick and tired of this. Pack your own shit. Leave by yourself.

[aloneinthis-world]

Digusting. Im here packing and making sure you have everything you need for when we move to our new place. Only to go liking pictures of other girls when i cant remember the last time you called me beautiful. Doing everything for you, buying things for you, doing everything you ask. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could I be so fucking stupid. You make me sick to my stomach. Ungrateful twat. Then you have the nerve to act like its not a big deal. If the tables were turned it would have been different. Like always. Im so sick of this shit. Fighting, you caring less if you heard from me or not. Im done. Im done caring. Jm done getting hurt. Im done being upset. Disappointed. Angry. I fucking hate you.

[aloneinthis-world]

🖤

[aloneinthis-world]

I don’t have trust issues

I have “I’ve seen this before and I know how it ends” issues.

[aloneinthis-world]

Im stuck in the abyss again. I didnt think Id find myself here ever again. Maybe moderate versions, but not as severe as what I felt years ago. Its disturbing. You work so hard in therapy and practice so much to become better. Its frustrating when one thing can make you crumble into billions of tiny, fragile pieces. But is it one thing, or is it multiple things? Were they building up slowly one by one? Was I trying to ignore everything and look past it using my trauma responses? When will I ever learn? Why dont I love myself? Why is it so hard? The more time I spend alone with myself, the more I hate myself. I dont feel like I deserve to be loved. I wouldnt have been abandoned by the people that I love. I wouldnt have been thrown to the side or mistreated if I was good enough. Years ago I was convinced it was because of my weight, or because I didnt wear enough makeup or wear enough stylish clothing. I craved for attention I never received, I wanted my love to be reciprocated for once. After starving myself, making myself puke after eating, cutting myself, abusing drugs, giving my body to men who pressured me into it, and trying to end my life- there was no relief. There was relief in the short times it was happening. The drugs numbed me too well. I lost myself completely. It was fine for a while. I was able to deal with giving up my body for some peace and quiet from my mind. But it also meant losing my mind being with you. You should have left me to die. You were selfish when you tried to save me. You wanted a clear conscience. With the things you did to me, you will never get that clear conscience. You can lie to yourself all you want. You can paint me as the monster, but you were the one who thought you had rights to my body. I was a hole to you. I was at my lowest lows. I needed to be committed. I needed to be on meds. You gaslit me. You took advantage of me. You abused me. Im disgusted to have ever stooped so low to thinking I loved you.

Back to present day. I still feel the same. Medicated, but still revisiting those dark places I once feared. I want to be happy. I want to be content. I dont want to be scared. I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be told every second of the day. I dont want to be abandoned. I dont want to be tossed to the side. I dont want to be ignored. I dont want to be gaslit. I want to be told how much I mean to you. I want to be told how much you love me. Do you even miss me? How important am I to you? Why would you leave me? You know how much I’m hurting. You are the villain. You made promises you wouldnt leave. Youre gone now. I dont know if well be able to go back to how we were before you left. Why cant I let this go? Why cant I be easy going? Why cant I be the relaxed spouse? I want to be craved. I want to feel wanted. I want to be told how much Im loved. All I feel is forgotten. I could be dead in a ditch for all you care. My father abandoned me, and I cant help but feel abandoned by you. Why do I seek make attention so much? What is wrong with me? What is so special about them? Is it my lack of it throughout my whole life? I want to be free. I want to be careless. The only way I can do that is when I’m doing any form of self harm. I dont know. Im alone. No one understands me. No matter how hard I try, its impossible. I feel so lost. I feel so sad. I feel so hopeless. Im tired of crying. Im tired of feeling this way. I just want it to end. Im scared ill be falling back into old habits. I cant though. I need to finish school. I need to get my successful job. But I keep reading that rejection email from that job I applied to last week and I feel defeat already. I have other applications, but I cant help but be negative.

Im tired of hearing you rant about him. I feel like such a bad person for saying that. But is it my trauma response thats making me want to forget it and not deal with it, or is it a valid reason? Im tired. I get you’re grieving, i wish i could take away your pain. I can only imagine the pain that he has caused you is not near the pain he has caused me. I admire you for putting on a strong front. But its okay to not be okay. I wish I could cry all day and get it out. But it seems everytime I cry My body tried to convince myself not to. What is wrong with me?

I just want someone to understand me. Its too much. I wish someone was going through the same exact thing as me. I dont want to feel so alone anymore. I dont want to slip back into the dark place. Why cant I be happy?

[aloneinthis-world]

“I am so afraid of disappointing the people I love, I often forget that I am someone I love too. And I need kindness just as much as I believe the people I love do.”

— Nikita Gill

[aloneinthis-world]

[aloneinthis-world]

“I’m not everything I want to be, but I’m more than I was, and I’m still learning.”

— Charlotte Eriksson, Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself

[aloneinthis-world]

“You are strong enough to face it all, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”

— Unknown

[aloneinthis-world]

You saved me.