alolan-faggot - Tumblr blog

[alolan-faggot]

we’ve become even closer. i’m leaving in less than a month. wtf is happening. i’m so scared to tell him the truth about how much i love him. even though he already knows. he says he’s in the same boat over the boy he’s in love with. even still, i can’t describe to him how he makes me feel. i feel so deficient. i give him everything i have and i know i shouldn’t expect anything back, but it makes me so fucking sad to the point of suicidal that he just does not see me as someone he would love. he would still probably wince at the sound of me telling him i love him. this shit is so hard man. no one prepared me for how much this hurts. i know i have it so much better because i actually get to spend time with him as his best friend. but idk if that’s doing any good, in fact maybe even the opposite. i don’t want to assume things but i have this heavy weight on my chest that makes me feel like he will forget about me when i move away. he’ll have someone else in his life to be around. which of course i hope he does. but i can’t help but feel like i’m going to be replaced in a sense. i know he would get really mad if i said this to him. but i can’t help but feel this way. is it because of the way he’s treated me so far? or because of how i see myself. because he’s loved me, at least - liked me, liked to be around me, liked to take time out of his weekends for me. am i selfish for just wanting more and more? am i ridiculous for expecting someone else to make even more and more time for me like i do for them? am i just giving him way too much to match up to? my heart hurts and i really wish it didn’t hurt this much. it’s worse than dealing with death because it’s a daily turmoil. the what ifs will kill me until i manage to find something to distract me. to me he will never be replaceable as a friend. i could love him from millions of miles away if he would let me. we would compromise somehow. or is that a lie? maybe i just feel that way right now and maybe i don’t have it in me to sustain that? either way it’s not happening so maybe i’ll stop thinking that way. but i hope he knows that i love him and i love him more than anyone i’ve ever loved and more than i thought i was capable of. my love surrounds him in all kinds of ways and i hope he sees that. i would never give up on loving him. i hope i’m not drowning him in it. he’s so perfect to me still.

[alolan-faggot]

gonna be moving soon. i can’t believe how long it took me to meet him and now i regret it. because what if i’d met him earlier. and maybe he would’ve felt different about me. he keeps telling me it’s not me, and that i’m not the reason he won’t date me. i believed him too. but lately i’ve been feeling like that’s a crock of shit. he’s clearly still in love with that one guy. it makes me sad when i see him be so sad over him. i have this weird animosity towards this guy that i’ve never met. even though i should be thankful that he didn’t date him, because then he wouldn’t have ever met me. i love his presence in my life so much. i would give it all up for him. and that’s sickly sweet. but he truly just does love me like that. i can see how this would be a problem. i regret not meeting him sooner but in so many ways i regret meeting him at all. now i feel like my life would be incomplete without him. but i know that if i hadn’t met him then my life would still go on. i disproportionately put the effort into this. he won’t ever see me like how i want him to. maybe because i’m ugly. maybe i’m too fat. too clingy. too small. i’ll never really know. and he’ll never really tell even if i asked. wtf is wrong with me that i feel so strongly about this person when i’m nearly 30 years old. i’ve never had someone i loved before. i wish i had so i knew what to do and how to love him less. because right now it feels like a heavy weight on my chest that i won’t be able to see him more often.

[alolan-faggot]

can’t stop thinking about him. i feel like i know nothing about him and it’s killing me because i want to know everything about him. i fear this won’t end well for me

[alolan-faggot]

hey so uhhh wtf i think i’m in love for the first time