allumita

[allumita]

Things I did this summer

Bump into fluff at a park before a therapy sesion, tell them about the stuff in the lighthouse, hang out, they get a sandwich we talk about plants

End up at a roe v Wade protest , run into fluff there as well after crossing back on the bridge end up walking back home with them, ask to hang out again.

Hang out with fluff at the anarchist queer pride, get pizza with them after, hang out with Samantha and fluff the same day, go to Washington park rose garden in the dark at night and talk about lactation, eat bread fancy butter sparkling wine. Fluff sleeps over. Went to art store next day.

Part 1

[allumita]

I could swath us in blue light for a night I want to feel the shimmer of it's glow on your body requisite to admonish my mind for it's forays into the gloom I want to see your teeth bite in deep so full that I can only wonder if I can ever realize my daylights life but if only for a night I want to live under the flash of LEDs across the diffusion of your skin and see the worries wash away

[allumita]

September 1st

First dream last night was me, my dad, my older sister, and my girlfriend were at some large shallow lake in the middle of a large flat desert or wasteland. We were planning on going swimming, but I was a little embarrassed about going out in swimwear. We ended up spending most of the dream lying around on beach towels in a small "rest area" building, that also had some shower stalls but was otherwise unoccupied.

The second dream was uh.. Much less safe for work. It involved men, women, demons, gods, dragons... And me. And my mouth. I have no idea why I dreamt about that.

[allumita]

I had a dream last night where, I and a group of several other people with various powers and abilities were running down a road running from some bad guys. At one point one of us broke the road we were running on so we could fall down to the river below. Some of the group stayed behind to make time for us to escape. We floated down that river until we reached a house filled with robots and ghosts. I was apparently also a ghost , but I had been brought back to life.

After we defeated the robots and befriended the ghosts that lived at the mansion, we stayed there over night. I talked to one of the ghosts and apparently she had been born in 1790 and remembered meeting George Washington as a child. Most of our group slept in the same large bed . I slept next to the person I was dating, and we kept wondering whether we should cuddle or try to be polite to the other people in the bed.

The next day everyone was sitting by a waterfall eating noodle soup, and I was explaining to one of the original inhabitants that I was also a ghost. I also put a bunch of seasoning in the soup and even stood up to get some soy sauce for it, which apparently was the last straw for the person I was dating. They broke up with me on the spot and blocked me on my phone. I just had to sit at dinner awkwardly while everyone else gave me dirty looks for wanting to season my soup and admitting to being a ghost.

At some other point in the dream, me and my actual sister/dad (it kept switching between the two) went to the Indian restaurant/store I went to in LA. In this world there was also a Mexican restaurant on the other side of the building.

[allumita]

I dreamt the other night that I was in a strange elevator that kept taking me to the different strange floors.. I’ve dreamt a lot about elevators lately. In fact they seem to be a dominant theme in my dreams as of late, sometimes the only thing i can remember is being in one. What does that mean? I’ve hardly been in elevators since the pandemic, so its not like they are a frequent feature in my day to day life. They contain a sense of uncertainty, i never know where an elevator will take me in a dream, if it will obey my inputs or break down or take me somewhere else entirely. Furthermore I don’t know what will be in store for me when I take one, whether the floor I’m planning to go to is even better than the one I am currently on. 

In many instances, me getting on an elevator involves other people not being able to get on, and when I enter an input it takes it to where I want (or don’t) instead of where any fellow passengers requested. If my taking an elevator up deprives another passenger of getting a ride, does that mean I was enacting a cruelty to them in taking it at all? 

Sometimes there are stairs that would go to the same places as the elevators in my dreams, and yet I rarely take them. Its not the fear of exertion, but the fear of being caught, or of running out of time. There is usually some looming darkness, whether an antagonistic force or just something like a time limit, that presses me to do things in these dreams without thinking. That’s the opposite of real life, where anxiety makes me over think everything. Its only when I let go of that anxiety that I can make choices without being trapped in my own mind. But in my dreams its the opposite, when I let go of the darkness approaching, I achieve the closest modicum of lucidity I can usually muster these days, and at last I can think again, and often think so much that the dream collapses in on itself. 

Is there some meaning in my dreams seeming to invert my waking experiences with anxiety and decisions? or are they a way of realigning my waking thoughts to a place where i can actually work with them? Is dreaming a world that exists in contrast to my own or a process of understanding my own world?

The late night anxiety makes me wonder, do I even deserve to be happy? I met someone that makes me feel so happy, but in falling in love with her I unintentionally hurt someone else who was more attached to me than I realized. but maybe i did realize and am just lying to myself about it so i can pretend like I’m not a terrible person or something?

I wonder if dreams can answer why i feel so guilty. I don’t feel guilty for my mom’s death, i know i couldn’t have saved her, i know there wasn’t anything i could do that would’ve changed her fate. But maybe I feel guilty for being happy in the wake of it? ... but she would’ve wanted me to find happiness, I know she would. ...was it a cruelty to like.. reject those boys that are interested in me online? Is that the same as this? I don’t know. 

[allumita]

April 25th

I was a special agent, a free lancer/contractor, that did various covert missions for different buyers. I had another woman that I wotked along side sometimes, she was loyal and kind but very quiet. I had a black bob, and was somewhat shorter than I am in real life. There was another agent, who was actually on the run, who was attempting to get his freedom by taking down those who would try to capture him. He was a blonde boy, a year or so younger than I was (we both had been put on drugs that made us look younger than we actually were) with fluffy hair and a baby face. I had a crush on him, and insosted on helping him, even tho he was reluctant. His associate, and older woman that had formerly been part of the organization that had controlled him but now was dedicated to helping him het his freedom was much more willing to accept my help. We met several times, and each time I ended up with a bigger crush on him.

The last time we met was on an airplane, after I carefully stowed away the guns I snuck on board into a compartent in the plane meant for medical supplies, I saw him and his ally sitting only a few seats in front of my assigned seat (and the seat of my coworker). I had just finished a job, and wanted to devote myself completely to helping him (and was even willing to rope my coworker into it, which she was more than willing to help). Of course I sat next to him, in the empty seat, without him realizing it. When he noticed he was surprised and was reluctant again to accept my help (or have anything to do with me) fearing I had an ulterior motive. I mean I did , but it was just because I liked him :p . His ally tho, perhaps realizing my affection towards him was genuine (he seemed oblivious to the fact, perhaps because his guard was up so high all the time) convinced him to accept my help.

I think I also killed a shark monster by exploiting a glitch in the game world that this reality was set in, although that may have been a different dream.

[allumita]

April 23rd,

I was an amalgamation of Utena and myself, returning to highschool to visit 5+ years after I graduated. Ohtori/hazen was now an all girls school, ruled by a cruel and authoritarian female principal. Since I had graduated, it had been relocated to a large ship, a ferry that seemed to move between seperate small islands.

While most people at the school were strangers, as to be expected for how long ago I graduated , one girl, Collette , who was only a year younger than I, was still there. I came to visit during lunch hour, and was quickly subsumed into the student body by the prison guard like administrative staff who demanded utmost obedience and silence from the student body. My attempts to ask Collette what happened , why she was still here, were thus prevented, although I feared that rather than my other peers graduating they had instead ceased to be.

Upon the principal meeting me she gloated that I had returned , saying that "of course I would always come back to her". At some point, as the boat was docking we ended up in a sword fight, this time for our lives, but it was made more difficult by the fact that she was seemingly partially immortal, was willing to threaten the kids, and could fly and use some other special abilities. However, I eventually was able to disarm her, at the cost of my own sword, and as the girls at school were disembarking from the boat onto the next island, I grabbed the principal and held her head underwater in the shallows, pushing it down so hard that it sank into the tidal mud. I then held it like that for the next 3 days, without moving, (I had a water bottle) taking absolutely no chances.

[allumita]

March 28th

Last night I dreamt I went on a road trip across the US, with a friend, my parents, and a youmg famous artist. At one point we stopped at a small gallery on the coast, that was displaying works of said artist. He went in, and offered to sell a painting of his (that he had created on our trip) to one of the guests, as long as they could pay in cash. A shocked young woman said she had 30$ so he sold it to her, despite the fact that his works were normally valued in the 10s or 100s of thousands .

[allumita]

March 5th .. Probably not going to get any sleep

[allumita]

March 4th

Had several dreams last night where someone attempted to frame me for murder. Also in one I bumped into David Bowie at a hotel in Vegas.

[allumita]

March 1st

I dreamt I was a girl , perhaps 15-20 , running from the authorities in a dilapidated, overgrown part of a city, otherwise abandoned. The old metal buildings were falling apart as plants grew through them, grass where once there was pavement. As I kept running forward, the shape of the city became more obvious, a giant wedge of a circle, with walls on either side as I came to the central point. It was within a massive self sustaining domed complex, with its own atmosphere, plant life, food, water, etc, split into 13 wedges each a different city which only occasionally interacted with eachother. I was escaping from the authorities of my city for some thought crime. Towards the end of the road, their were stairs leading up to a raised section (concrete and metal, also overgrown with grass) and here I was cornered.

At one point, on of the people chasing me , a man of indeterminate age although younger than 40, saw me, and despite having the opportunity to catch me, let me go.

The authorities surrounded me , and soon my parents and other members of the community showed up. They begged for me to receive forgiveness, but their pleas fell on deaf ears. However, rather than execute me, they decided to exile me, perhaps to avoid the controversy that would result from publicly executing member of the community. As the world outside was a wasteland, it was scene essentially the same way, but I took the offer of exile , and the door at the end of the raised platform, at the point of the wedge, was opened, and I was placed in a chute given only meagre provisions, and then pushed through, before blacking out due to the speed at which the chute pushed me through. When I came too I was lying on the ground outside, in the wasteland that was the rest of the world.

I was laying in a shallow swamp (no more than a couple of cm deep) of brightly colored, thick oily red petroleum like substance, with an unnatural perfumey smell , but also like epazote. In it there were strange red plants , which looked like the bottom of drained lake bed, lying on the ground, but also didn't resemble any real life plant exactly. As I looked around I saw I was surrounded by mountains, rocks and strange land forms seperated by large flat stretches. Everything was painted bizarre hues, bright red, yellow, or.sometimes blue green. There were no trees I could see anywhere, but there were some small plants, some bizarre like the swamp weeds, others more like normal plants. The air was different, and tasted weird. It was difficult to breathe and when I stood up, I fell almost immediately , right back into the red swamp muck.

However while falling, a 2 way radio fell out of my pouch, which I hadn't seen placed there before. I pressed the button and voice came out . it gave me advice on how to breathe properly in the wasteland, and told me that the strange state of this world was due to the destruction our predecessors had done to the environment. He told me I had two choices, to go west to the sea, or east to a "forest of sorts". I decided to go west, because I had never seen an ocean before. As I walked west I past several small lakes, each time asking the voice on the radio if those were the sea.

Eventually I reached a long straight roadlike stretch of dirt , lined on one side by a rather large, oddly colored lake, and on the other by tall shrubs that almost resembled trees. As I walked on this road, which seemed to stretch out forever, I surprisingly encountered another girl, perhaps my age or older, but who seemed to act younger. She was in a small, hobbled together looking carriage, being propelled by a large, but very slender flightless bird like creature, with brighr red and pink iridescent feathers. Its head was unusual looking in that it wasn't clear where the eyes were. Her carriage, which really looked more like a wooden box on wheels, had gotten stuck in the road, with one of the wheels broken. I helped her fix it, and she offered to travel with me since we she wanted to go to the sea as well. She was really cute and friendly.

Shortly thereafter we were joined by the person behind on the voice on the radio, the same man that had been part of the authorities that let me escape before. He explained that he had actually been originally a citizen of a different wedge city, one that had an old abanadoned section of it where they used to collect resources from the outside world via many small portals. Falling through one of those portals into the outside as a child, he eventually was able to make it back to the wedge city as an adult, and snuck in (as those who entered the wastland were supposed to be forbidden from ever returning to any of the wedge cities)only to find that his old wedge city completely abandoned, its inhabitants having died or left to other wedge cities while he was gone. Because no one knew about him, he was able to emigrate to another wedge city, where he was eventually loaned as a security officer to my city, as part of an exchange program. He mostly became a security officer to get inside information on the cities' workings, as he believed there was something very disturbing going on.

But he didn't think I had done anything wrong, and couldn't stand to let me die or even suffer as much as he once did when he was stuck in the wasteland, so he decided to leave as well so as to protect me. Kinda dreamy, ngl, especially for a fake cop.

All three of us set out, each having our own strange bird thing to ride on, the other girl having gotten them for us, into the sunset, towards the sea.

[allumita]

February 25th,

Last night I was living in a single story house, in some rural area in western washington. The house had a nuclear power generator, which one day broke, flooding the whole house with radiation. The same day, my parents, some of my extended family, plus family friends came to stay over . both me and my mom ended up developing radiation poisoning, albeit mild. I kept wandering around the house measuring the radiation in different rooms with a geiger counter. For some reason no one suggested we stay somewhere else while the radiation issue was taken care of.

[allumita]

February 23rd

Had a dream last night where I went to some weird thrift/antique clothing store, and bought a corset/stay and a very old style dress (maybe 1900s?) My mom or someone like her was with me, and she kept trying to convince me to buy a hat to go with it, but I don't like hats . The corset made me feel really good in my body, and I spent the rest of the dream wearing it, although the dress changed shape several times. After I bought it I was wandering around a parking lot which also seemed to be an abandonded junk yard , and another girl asked if I could climb up into a semi truck like structure that was being suspended vertically in the air by a crane to find something in it for her in the cockpit (is that what it's called?). While I was climbing up the carriage of the truck, she looked up my dress and made me blush, and blushed herself, but also commented I should really be wearing a petticoat. I embarrasedly said I didn't have one, to which she replied "Well I like you anyways, but maybe I can buy you one after this" . I climbed into the cockpit of the truck, which was filled with large bags of sour patch kids, the kind that are like a pound each, mostly unopened but some were opened and emptied. I considered taking some for myself, but then I checked the pack of one and it expired in 2014. Yuck. There were also a bunch of game cube disks in the door pocket, just naked , and old used cigarettes and ashes everywhere, as well as other non distinct candy wrappers, an empty mcdonalds soft drink cup, and other trash. None of the gamecube games interested me, although curiously there was a version of Metroid Prime 3 for the gamecube, labeled "new play control". I grabbed the thing she had requested (I think a usb drive or a chip or something) and climbed back down the truck. As I was climbing down, I slipped and fell, but she caught me in her arms.

[allumita]

February 5th

There was a great race, on foot, through woods , grassy areas, dessert like caves, and eventually ending on a winding city road on cliff by the sea. I was in third place most of the race, and was either a deer or a a living electric scooter (unstable form) , but most of the other competitors were human. In front of me were the representatives of Greece and Macedonia. Towards the end of the race I had difficulty maintaining my position in 3rd place, but I eventually recovered it.

[allumita]

February 2nd

My mom was reduced to a plastic bag filled with organs, as the rest of her body had been completely taken over by cancer and removed. Now her bag body sat in a bed in a furniture/ grocery store that was next door to Safeway. She begged us to let her die.

[allumita]

February 1st

I was Brittney spears living in the exact same room I live in now. There was a black widow spider that had climbed off of a spider plant I had in my room. I was trying to carefully catch it so I could release it.

After that me and my family were involved in international travel all over the carribean, and kept getting stuck in customs. Puerto Rico , in this universe, was an island directly off the coast of penisular Florida.

The last dream was mostly weird dream logic. At one point it involved a sexual Palpatine who was also a powerbottom, at another a cool female spy, at another I was walking through a weird bazaar type thing set up in a schools gymnasium with all kinds of little stalls set up by the high schoolers and others selling things or making art or asking me to join clubs or just giving me things for free, from which I ended up searching for a place that sold rum, but eventually wandered off leaving the gymnasium, going down some random hallways, and ending up in a a corner that had convience store that sold weird fruit.

[allumita]

January 30th

Last night,

I and perhaps a couple thousand other people were on the water front on the lake(?) (It seemed like it ended up connected to the ocean though), at a large celebration. This was a new complex that had been built at some controversy by the mayor, somewhat ugly modernist buildings, strange "aesthetic" pools of water, and a creepy obelisk that many people had complained was not earthquake safe, and an extended terrace below water level that seemed to almost invite a disastrous flood. Sure enough, a massive earthquake and storm happened, turning the area into a death trap, the obelisk and terrace collapsed, and then the struts under the whole complex, making water rush in from all sides. It also appeared like there was several large tsunami type waves coming in from the lake, each exacerbating the flood. Hundreds if not thousands of people around me drowned or were crushed as we tried to escape. A couple hundred people ran for the busses, that were parked in the complex and had taken many of the partiers to the event. However , as soon as we got to the busses and many were inside they ended up sliding into one of the "aesthetic " pools of water, which were perfectly square and had steep smooth walls with no way to climb out. Many people ended up trapped under the busses and were crushed, I was dragged down by the force of one of the busses creating water suction. Eventually , someone operating a crane that had been left behind when the event was being set up, pulled one, then 2 of the 8 busses out the water, and the 60 or so people on those busses were able to drive away, including myself, who had managed to get into one. However before we were able to get out of the parking lot, the bus wheel got caught , and the riders of the bus had to evacuate.

Me, a family member, a friend, and as many other people as we could fit (8 total) crammed into our car, and drove away as fast as we could. As we were driving we saw that our whole town , and the area was experiencing flooding, so we didn't stop, we just drove straight until we were in another state, in a large dry city.

As refugees we were able to get a discount at a nice hotel (probably the most unrealistic part of the dream) and the 8 of us, now bonded, watched the news on the TV in our hotel room, which said that at least 1800 people's bodies have been found from that event, although that estimates for the total death toll was more like 5120 people dead at that, and surrounding events in our town. Now the whole area of the South side, the lower half of the east side, mercer island, and parts of Seattle was afflicted with flooding in the low lying areas, meaning tens of thousands more were missing (although it was believed many of them were still alive) .

Some time later, me and an older man returned to the complex on the lake where all the dying happened. The large building at the back was no longer collapsed, but also completely empty , the patio and extended terrace in front, on the lake (which was now an inlet of the sound) were seemingly partially fixed , although part of the terrace still dipped into the water. All the bodies , debris, busses, etc. Had been cleared out. The obelisk which I watched collapse and crush people was standing. There were small dead crustaceans everywhere, washed up by subsequent waves, rotting, but curiously they had no smell. I walked toward the far end of the complex (right if you are facing the water, left if you were facing the building, which was large and brown and despite being massive was apperently a single story, like the covered area at recess at Hazelwood or something, except only open on one side, that facing the water) and looked at the new shore, realizing that there was another terrace that was still almost completely submerged, as I walked to the edge of the water, there was still a substantial amount of debris including large rocks and chunks of concrete that were up to my breast in height, and dead crustaceans , mostly shrimp, mole crabs, and some other malocostracans incoupdnt identity, just everywhere, like a carpet. There were also several large dead lobsters, although all had the their claws and head destroyed .

The man I came with lamented what happened, and cursed the mayor for spending what apperently was our entire cities budget on this complex, and especially criticizing the obelisk claiming a totem.pole from a local tribe would have been more culturally appropriate and less of a danger during an earthquake. I showed him where me and so many other people got trapped in the busses in the pool of water, now completely clean again. I don't remember anything beyond that.