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[alltheshitiate]

My New Orleans Dining Guide

Updated as of: 4/5/17

Caveat: This is far from a complete list of the best restaurants in New Orleans. This is nowhere close to the complete list of New Orleans restaurants I’ve visited. However, this is my list of the New Orleans restaurants I’ve enjoyed the most, with the exception of a couple of places locals don’t want to be discussed publicly. (You’ll have to get those names out of me at knifepoint.) There are several notable places I’ve visited that for one reason or another, I didn’t completely love at the time (Bayona, K-Paul’s, G.W. Finn’s, Muriel’s, Antoine’s, Elizabeth’s, etc.), and it’s important to recognize the broad array of opinions when it comes to dining in New Orleans. Your opinion can easily be swayed by ordering the wrong dish, the amount of rest you’ve had before dining, a server/host rubbing you the wrong way, an annoying dining companion, a broken air conditioner (it’s happened to me), etc. Additionally, it’s important to realize your food is being cooked and served by human beings, and human beings occasionally make mistakes, especially when they’re tired. While New Orleans restaurants tend to be very professional establishments with high standards for cooking and service, even the most elite places can occasionally buckle under the intense pressure of serving a seemingly endless stream of customers during a major event like Jazz Fest. I make no guarantees or bold claims here, aside from the fact that I’ve had at least one very enjoyable meal at each of these restaurants. Your mileage may vary.

Note: Listed neighborhoods may not be perfect, depending on who you talk to, but they are in the general vicinity.

 *UPSCALE*

If you can, make a lunch reservation at Commander's Palace. It's an unbelievable experience at an absurdly low price at lunch. (You will pay through the nose at dinner.) The menu is constantly changing, but there are lots of prix-fixe lunchtime options, and martinis are only 25 cents! (It’s a three martini max per person.) I love Commander’s because the food is amazing, the service is excellent, but despite its surroundings, the vibe is really fun. Ask to be seated in the garden room with décor that is dated but glorious.  It’s loud and boisterous.  Men need to wear a jacket, although I believe this policy is slightly relaxed at lunch. Regardless, just suck it up and wear a jacket, bro.  This is my favorite restaurant in the world. http://www.commanderspalace.com/ (GARDEN DISTRICT)

Commander's Palace and August are often considered the top two restaurants in New Orleans.  August is great in a very different way.  It's quite refined, a true "white tablecloth" establishment.  While Commander's is also a white tablecloth place, they have a truly festive vibe that is a real 180 from the quiet and reserved August.  August does a nice, seasonal $26.00 three-course lunch on Fridays, but reservations can be tough to come by.  http://www.restaurantaugust.com/ (WAREHOUSE DISTRICT)

Peche - If you like seafood, go here. On paper, the menu doesn't look all that impressive, but if you love fresh seafood, it'll blow you away. After a couple of years, this is still one of the more popular restaurants in the city and a James Beard Award winner. You can have either lunch or dinner here, and some of the dishes (especially the whole grilled fish with salsa verde) are served family style.  Regardless, the smaller plates are quite good for a smaller party.  Definitely listen to the waiter's suggestions.  When I was there, he recommended some raw Alabama oysters that were shockingly phenomenal. Note that this restaurant has ridden a wave of hype, which has naturally provoked many haters, particularly bitter locals. Such is life. I still love it.    http://www.pecherestaurant.com/ (WAREHOUSE DISTRICT)

Toups’ Meatery - Very creative cooking here with lots of interesting dishes for the true carnivore. If you want things like house-made sausage, cracklins, or charcuterie, this is your place, but there are plenty of other good options on the menu, as well as solid cocktails. Ask for the off-menu beet martini. The chef/owner was on Top Chef, which is apparently very important to tourists. http://toupsmeatery.com/  (MID CITY)

Emeril's - It's somewhat cliché to recommend a place with a celebrity chef who is rarely in the house.  However, when I went here a couple of years ago, Emeril's was outstanding.  While I used to really love Emeril's Delmonico, and I had a great meal at his Nola last May, I think his original restaurant is still the best of his lot.  I love the stellar andouille-crusted drum.  They're also known for their unique preparation of Barbecue Shrimp. http://emerilsrestaurants.com/emerils-new-orleans (WAREHOUSE DISTRICT)

Upperline - This is one of my favorites. It's a little bit of a 1980s relic, but it still packs a serious punch. Upperline invented things like fried green tomatoes with shrimp remoulade, and they excel in Creole classics. They also offer a lot of sampler platters, and they're very flexible on substitutions. The vegetarian greens will have you swearing they used bacon, and the duck (with both sauces) is the best duck I've ever had. When I write this email for people, I usually tell them to order the duck five or six times, but I will spare you the lecture. Order the duck. This owner/hostess is a quirky woman whose whims often dictate the course of the menu with interesting specials. Every square inch of the place is adorned in art, which is both tacky and spectacular, or spectackyular. It's a unique place for a great meal. P.S. Order the duck. http://www.upperline.com/  (UPTOWN)

Brigtsen's - After having people recommend it for years, I finally took the plunge and visited. Amazing. Vibe is the key here. I've never experienced a meal quite like this. It looks and feels like you're eating a gourmet meal in someone's house. The hostess is the chef's wife, and she and the waitstaff just make you feel so damn comfortable. Eating in New Orleans is all about the experience and vibe, and you will find none better than Brigtsen's. This is not the place to go for a quick bite. This is a restaurant for kicking back to relax and enjoy a meal with friends. Don't get me wrong-- the food is also phenomenal. The duck is amazing, and the seafood platter is awesome and huge.  You'll need to take a 45 minute streetcar ride or a 15-20 minute cab ride to get there from the Quarter. If you're going to see music on Oak Street at either the wine bar or The Maple Leaf, you won't be too far away.  https://www.brigtsens.com/  (RIVERBEND)

Carrolton Market - Looking for an under-the-radar gem in the Riverbend? Look no further. Located around the corner from Brigtsen's, when I visited this bistro a couple of weeks ago, every dish was a winner, yet it was oddly empty inside.  Recommended items: Oysters Goodenough, Crispy Pork Belly "Banh Mi," and Roasted Duck Breast. If you want to drool, look at the photos on the site.  http://carrolltonmarket.com/  (RIVERBEND)

Palace Café - This seafood-centric restaurant on Canal Street is enormous and offers breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It’s not quite as pricey as its brethren, but the atmosphere is noisy. The crabmeat cheesecake is amazing. http://www.palacecafe.com/  (FRENCH QUARTER)

  *MID-PRICE*

MoPho - Kick-ass Asian-meets-New Orleans cuisine! I love this place, and I’m dying to return.  I can’t even tell you what to order. Everything I’ve tried has been so damn good.      http://mophonola.com/  (MID CITY)

Lüke - John Besh's ode to Alsatian cuisine. They offer these "express meals" that are a tremendous bargain for lunch. You can find some great German/French dishes here like cassoulet and flammenkuchen, as well as Louisiana classics like Cochon de Lait or Shrimp Etouffee. They also serve breakfast, lunch, and dinner. http://www.lukeneworleans.com/ (CBD)

Cochon Butcher - Everyone raves about its big brother restaurant, the adjacent Cochon.  However, I think Cochon is hit-or-miss, while Cochon Butcher is hit after hit after hit.  This is just a great, unorthodox sandwich shop, butcher shop, and bar.  I highly recommend the bacon pralines.  (Buy them as souvenirs for anyone whom you want to love you forever.) Pretty much anything with pork is a solid bet here.  Le Pig Mac is a play on the Big Mac, but it's made with pork, and it's friggin’ delicious. I also love the Buckboard Bacon Melt, Muffaletta, Marinated Brussels Sprouts, Duck Pastrami Sliders, Hot Boudin...Hell, I’d eat anything on the menu. I’d also probably eat the actual menu.  http://www.cochonbutcher.com/new-orleans (WAREHOUSE DISTRICT)

Jacques-Imo's - It’s a perfect place to eat if you're hitting a show at the Maple Leaf next door. The food is boisterous and over-the-top (Alligator cheesecake, anyone?), but it's really tasty. The vibe is like a raucous, chaotic party.  This is not a fine dining experience, although it's more like what would happen if a really good chef got drunk and decided to throw a big bash.  You'll need to take a 45 minute streetcar ride or a 15-20 minute cab ride to get there from the The Quarter. (Addendum: This restaurant is woefully inconsistent. Sometimes, the food is excellent, and other times, it's under-seasoned and not noteworthy. The service is generally terrible, which seems to be a perverse point of pride. Even though I have friends who've really enjoyed their recent meals here, my last one was not good, so I'm going to wait a while before returning.)  http://jacques-imos.com/  (RIVERBEND)

Three Muses - a small tapas and cocktail bar on Frenchmen with free live music. You can catch some great solos, duets, and trios here from really talented musicians. The small plates are very tasty, and the cocktails are quite good. This place is usually packed with little flexibility, so try to get your reservation in advance, especially if you hope to visit during Jazz Fest.  http://www.3musesnola.com/ (MARIGNY)

Boucherie - Prices have gone up since it first opened, but it’s still very affordable, and the food is excellent. This is the story of a guy who served killer food from a truck outside Tipitina’s and did so well that he was able to open his own restaurant. Take my advice and be sure to order Grit Fries, Thai Chili Chocolate Chess Pie, and Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding. http://boucherie-nola.com (RIVERBEND)

Atchafalaya - I’ve only been here for brunch, but it was an outstanding brunch. This may be the only restaurant I know of that serves brunch Thursday through Monday. They’re open for dinner 7 days a week, as well, serving “slightly elevated Southern cuisine.” The make your own Bloody Mary Bar is a thing of beauty. http://www.atchafalayarestaurant.com (IRISH CHANNEL)

This is a nice afternoon small plate doubleheader on Poydras and Canal:

Drago's - They have a big seafood menu, but everyone gets one thing: charbroiled oysters. Broiled with garlic, parmesan, lemon, and butter, this super rich dish is often considered the best bite in New Orleans. Just split a dozen with someone (or order a half-dozen by yourself) and avoid everything else because you'll follow this up with a ten-minute walk into the Quarter to...       http://www.dragosrestaurant.com/

Red Fish Grill - There are two things you must order here: Buffalo-BBQ fried oysters with blue cheese and double chocolate bread pudding.  There are other good items on the menu, but those two are a must. You won't need a reservation at either place and can usually walk in any time.  http://www.redfishgrill.com/

 *CHEAPER/DIVES*

Coop's - It’s a classic dive with notable fried chicken, but you need to know that they serve the best Jambalaya you'll ever try. I ate here on my first trip, and I try to return every time I'm in town. Must order dishes: Jambalaya Supreme, Lamb Ribs, Green Beans with Bacon sauce. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Smoked Duck Quesadillas and Shrimp Creole are also good, but you must order the previous three dishes at a minimum. I will share dishes here, but I will not share my jambalaya.  It's that good. This is a true dive. It is not what you or I would call “clean.” This place can be a haven for unsavory characters of both the two-legged and four-legged variety. (True story: I once ate here and saw the amazing Boobzilla lift a chair by only using her breasts, as the entire bar was treated to tequila shots for her birthday. It’s that kind of place. Leave your kids and nuns at home.) However, everyone I’ve brought here has been blown away by the food. Also, if you like the way your face looks, adhere to the “Please Wait To Be Seated” sign, or they will tear your face off. If you don’t like the way your face looks, have fun. http://www.coopsplace.net/ (FRENCH QUARTER)

Café DuMonde - If this is your first visit to New Orleans, you’ll want to go to this famous 24 hour place that pretty much only serves beignets, orange juice, and coffee. The beignets are pillows of fried dough that are buried under a mountain of powdered sugar. Everyone has eaten here while drunk at least once. Cafe Beignet in City Park does a better job of everything Cafe DuMonde does, but Cafe DuMonde has the ideal location.    http://www.cafedumonde.com/  (FRENCH QUARTER)

Buffa’s - a very old restaurant on Esplanade, very close to Frenchmen Street. The front bar is open 24 hours, and the restaurant in the back is usually open late.  If they have the potato chip-crusted gulf fish on special, get it. It’s damn good. They also have no-cover live music in the back, and I highly suggest you go here to see Tom McDermott and Aurora Nealand on Thursdays from 8-11. http://www.buffasrestaurant.com (MARIGNY)

Bacchanal - On a nice night, this popular outdoor Bywater winebar cannot be beat. However, expect it to be crowded and loud, as the secret is out. The wines are funky, interesting, and fairly cheap. The food is pretty good and the last time I was there, the prices were a steal. I had a steak with fries and whipped feta for something like $14. Helen Gillet plays here on Monday nights, and I love her solo cello work that can be jazzy, beautiful, or trippy. Unfortunately, it’s usually tough to hear he unless you’re up close. Plan on sharing a table with strangers. http://www.bacchanalwine.com  (BYWATER)

Mahoney's - a new school po' boy joint on Magazine, not far from the Garden District. The menu is big and delicious, but po' boys are the focus. They've got the full roster of traditional po' boys, served in full (massive) and half (still friggin' big) sizes, as well as lots of modern creations and good cocktails. The award-winning Abita-braised short rib po' boy with onion straws, garlic mayo, arugala, and tomato is insanely rich. With every bite, I felt myself contracting gout. I can't wait to eat it again.   http://mahonyspoboys.com/ (IRISH CHANNEL)

Domilese's - an OLD school po' boy joint Uptown. You'll need to get here by car.  The sandwiches are huge and tasty. The beer selection is terrible, but it's cold. They close by 6:30PM M-F, 7:00PM on Saturday. Make sure they’re open before you make the trek. Don’t blame me if they’re closed.   http://www.domilisespoboys.com/ (UPTOWN)

Killer Po' Boys - a new school po' boy joint in the Quarter. The sandwiches are small and delicious with high-end ingredients. They have two locations, but the original is in the back of the tiny Erin Rose Pub. http://www.killerpoboys.com/ (FRENCH QUARTER)

Tracey’s - It’s a pretty good sports bar, but the one thing to get here is the roast beef po’ boy, which is the best I’ve had in New Orleans. Don’t expect the red carpet treatment or great service. You’re in a New Orleans sports bar. It’s not Commander’s Palace. Remember that before you write your angry Yelp review. http://www.traceysnola.com/  (IRISH CHANNEL)

Crabby Jack’s - This is Jacques-Imo’s sister po’ boy-centric downscale restaurant. I’m of the opinion that po’ boys are the way to go here, and they’ve got some gems, served in massive sizes. I’m usually torn between the Slow Roasted Duck Po’ Boy, the Cochon de Lait  Po’ Boy (the meat is tastier than what’s served on the Fairgrounds, although it doesn’t have the same delicious mustard sauce), or the Fried Green Tomato and Shrimp Remoulade Po’ Boy. The Gumbo is solid. Note that they’re only open for lunch and closed on Sundays. Also, they’re just at the edge of the city limits. For me, this is usually a stop on the way in from the airport. http://crabbyjacksnola.com/

Liuzza’s - You’ll recognize the one that’s across the street from Jazz Fest because of the mob scene around it. However, if you can get through the line, they make good Bloody Marys, and their BBQ shrimp po’ boy is very unique. If you really like black pepper, you’ll like it. The Mid City location has a better menu and more ambiance, along with ice-cold shitty beer. http://liuzzasnola.com/  (GENTILLY and MID CITY)

Dat Dog - Hit it on Frenchmen, Magazine, or Freret Uptown if you need a quick something before or between shows. Their sausages are solid, and choosing the chef's preparation is a wise move. I’m a fan of the fries smothered in crawfish etouffee. http://www.datdog.com/ (VARIOUS LOCATIONS)

The Store - I go here for one thing, the Fried Shrimp & Greens Po’ Boy, which is a fantastic sandwich. They’re only open for breakfast and lunch, closing at 2:30pm. Don’t go on the late side or you’ll risk them being sold out of collard greens. You do not want the sandwich without the greens. BTW, the greens are made with pork, as the Lord intended. http://thestoreneworleans.com (CBD)

Verti Marte - Are you drunk? Is it late at night and you want something to eat near the Esplanade side of the Quarter? This bizarre 24-hour deli is your place. Don’t expect the finest clientele at this time of night. Don’t expect gourmet food.  Don’t expect anything involving logic. Certainly do not expect fast service. However, you can get a giant pile of booze-soaking food or a po’ boy to go. I’m partial to the Shrimp Philly (grilled shrimp, bell peppers, onions, mushrooms, Swiss cheese, American cheese, and “Wow” sauce).  Do you have heartburn already?  https://www.zomato.com/new-orleans/verti-marte-new-orleans/menu  (FRENCH QUARTER)

Bai Chi Canteen - cheap but delicious small plates of Vietnamese food in the Riverbend. Go for the "bacos," which are Vietnamese tacos.  https://www.zomato.com/new-orleans/ba-chi-canteen-new-orleans/menu  (RIVERBEND)

Kebab - no frills doner/falafel joint on St. Claude that also has good Belgian frites. I like to eat here, so I can pretend I'm having a healthy meal. The cocktails are cheap. http://www.kebabnola.com/  (ST. ROCH)

Hi-Ho Lounge - a St. Claude music club that usually has a cool, popup kitchen Fry And Pie in the back. They serve exactly what you think they serve, and everything is tremendous. http://www.fryandpie.com/  (ST. ROCH)

Cassamento's - head Uptown, not too far from the streetcar, for this mecca of fried seafood. The specialty is the "Oyster Loaf," which is a massive fried oyster sandwich, and instead of using traditionally sliced bread, they cut two enormous pieces from a butter-soaked loaf. They also do chargrilled oysters and serve fries with the chargrilled topping. (TOURO/UPTOWN)

Juan’s Flying Burrito - There are two locations for this Creole taqueria. Is it incredible Mexican food? No, but it’s pretty good, and the slight Nolafication of menu items adds another layer to the fun. Notably, you can actually have a healthy meal here, and there aren’t too many places where I can say that. http://www.juansflyingburrito.com/ (MID CITY and GARDEN DISTRICT)

 *SNOWBALLS*

Hansen’s Sno-bliz - They’re the granddaddy of snowball places, as they invented the ice-shaving machine in 1939 and created their own syrups for it. Despite its advanced age, this old shack still innovates with funky flavors, such as Thai Basil or Fresh Cucumber, and they’ll get crazy with toppings, such as Bananas Foster or Pineapple Habanero Relish. I’m not an expert in Snowball technology, so I can’t explain why it’s better than Hawaiian shaved ice, but it is better than Hawaiian shaved ice. More importantly, it’s cold and perfect for a hot day. http://www.snobliz.com/ (UPTOWN)

Sno-LA - Here’s what you need to know. They stuff their snowballs with cheesecake. I really shouldn’t need to explain anything else. http://www.sno-la.com/sno-la-uptown-menu.html (RIVERBEND)

  *COCKTAILS/WINE/BEER*

Bar Tonique - They’ve got a combination of vintage cocktails, as well as their own creations. In my experience, everything is mixed well by knowledgeable bartenders. More importantly, they have a few classic drinks that are only $5 at a daily happy hour that lasts until 5PM, as well as $5 daily specials. http://bartonique.com (FRENCH QUARTER)

Cane and Table - A recent discovery for me, this joint specializes in cocktails of the tropical persuasion, although you won’t find sugary margaritas and frozen daiquiris. It’s a bit more sophisticated. Some of these creations go down smooth and way, way too fast. Apparently, they also have solid food. I didn’t partake in any of that, which is probably why I spent my afternoon following around a half-naked woman painted like a minotaur. There are photos... http://caneandtablenola.com/ (FRENCH QUARTER)

Carousel Bar - Located inside the Hotel Monteleone, the old school, classy bar is actually a slowly rotating carousel. They often have great live music for no cover, and the drinks tend to be well made. This is an ideal spot for a classic cocktail, such as a Ramos Gin Fizz. http://hotelmonteleone.com/entertainment/carousel-bar (FRENCH QUARTER)

Orleans Grapevine - You’ll want to go here during their Bacon Happy Hour. (I will pause to let you read that again.) It’s from 4-6PM and 10PM-12AM, and they give you bacon with your drinks (I will pause to let you read that again), which may be the greatest concept since human rights. There are different wine and drink specials during happy hour, and if you order certain cocktails, you get to roll dice to determine the price. Land on 1, 2, or 3, and that’s what you pay. Make Drinking Fun Again! http://orleansgrapevine.com/ (FRENCH QUARTER)

The Avenue Pub - If you want to find the best beer selection in New Orleans, this is your place. Apparently, Boucherie’s chef has kicked up their food menu. The good news is that this pub is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week for 365 days a year. Finally, somewhere you can drink at 7am on Christmas morning! http://theavenuepub.com/ (GARDEN DISTRICT)

Nola Brewing Tap Room - You can find a lot more interesting examples and novel styles of their beer here than you will anywhere else. They’ve also got McClure’s BBQ in the house, although the Louisiana legislature may soon put an end to that. http://www.nolabrewing.com/ (IRISH CHANNEL)

Bacchanal - (see entry above)

Oak Street Wine Bar - The drinks are surprisingly inexpensive here, although the beer selection leaves much to be desired. The wine list is extensive. However, I really just like it because they often have live music, particularly at Jazz Fest. I like catching Andrew Duhon here. http://www.oaknola.com/ (RIVERBEND)

Bouree - The Boucherie people opened a wing, hot boudin, and daiquiri joint next door. I’ve not had the food, but I’ve become a huge fan of the Gin & Tonic Daiquiri. They have seasonal flavors, as well. http://www.bourreenola.com (RIVERBEND)

Happy Hour at John Besh restaurants - Most of the Besh restaurants offer some sort of ridiculous happy hour deal on both certain food items and certain drinks. I’ve been to some of these where I’ve been able to get drunk and stuffed for under $15. They don’t list the happy hour specials on their website, but if you call them, they’ll give you the 4-1-1. I do know that the happy hour at Domenica has become so popular that reservations are typically required. http://www.chefjohnbesh.com/restaurants/

  *MOST OVER-HYPED RESTAURANTS*

1) Mother’s - It’s exciting when you’re a tourist because you feel like you’re doing something authentic. After a couple of years, you realize everyone in there is a tourist, and you’re all paying way too much for slightly-better-than-mediocre food. On my last visit, breakfast cost me nearly $40. Never again....at least not until I’m surrounded by hungry drunk people at 7am.

2) Parkway - But Obama ate here! So what? I’m gonna guess Obama didn’t exactly have his finger on the pulse of po’ boy culture. Look how thin he is. Never trust a thin man when it comes to po’ boys. Following lunch, if you don’t have to undo your belt, better yet, the button of your pants, I don’t want to hear your opinion on po’ boys. Your opinion should be limited to kale. Regardless, this place is not terrible, but it’s certainly not worth standing in a long line when there are so many better options in town. Go here if you need to do something in the neighborhood.

3) Cochon - Yes, there are some big hits on the menu, but there are also so many swings and misses. Years after opening, the hype train still chugs at an unbelievable pace for this place.  Everyone has to go there because everyone has to go there because everyone has to go there. (Hint: You do not have to go there, but you do have to go to the vastly superior Cochon Butcher next door.)

 *MY PERSONAL PO’ BOY RANKINGS*

1)    Killer Po’ Boys - I can already hear grizzled New Orleanians ranting about how Brooklyn has ruined the po’ boy because New Orleanians blame everything that’s wrong with their city on Brooklyn. Good thing I’m from Queens.

2)    Mahoney’s

3)    Domilese’s

4)    Crabby Jack’s

5)    Tracey’s

13)   Parkway

 *MY TOP 5 PLACES I WANT TO TRY IN 2017*

1)    Meril - http://emerilsrestaurants.com/meril

2)    Rue 127 - https://www.rue127.com/

3)    Turkey and the Wolf - http://www.turkeyandthewolf.com/

4)    Katie’s - http://www.katiesinmidcity.com/

5)    Bevi Seafood Company - http://beviseafoodco.com/

*SAGE ADVICE*

Tom Fitzmorris is an old-school food critic with deep knowledge of the New Orleans culinary tradition. His site, http://www.nomenu.com is a bible for me, and I consult it not only when I choose a restaurant among the 1,550 he’s covered in the greater New Orleans area, but I also am sure to consult his site before I order at said restaurant. Fitzmorris tells you exactly which dishes you need to order, greatly increasing your chances of enjoying the meal. Unfortunately, his site is a bit of a relic with a bevy of broken or hidden links, and it’s been undergoing a bit of a laborious rebuild that’s taken a couple of years with no end in sight. He used to post really helpful lists (there were over 100 of them in various categories), but they have now been removed. However, I’ve found some of the links, so here they are:

500 Best Dishes in New Orleans - https://nomenu.com/?page_id=42494

Bucket List - A Dozen Best Restaurants: https://nomenu.com/?p=6606

Dozen Most Underrated Restaurants: https://nomenu.com/?p=39647

Bakers Dozen Best Restaurants for New Orleans Cuisine - https://nomenu.com/?p=51534

Dozen Best Breakfast Restaurants - https://nomenu.com/?p=4678

If you consult Fitzmorris’ recommendations, your odds of enjoying a great meal will increase exponentially.

[alltheshitiate]

9/9/10 - Red Velvet Cupcakes Win Me Over Every Time

The opening salvo of lunch was a plate of Rosie's Vermont Hickory Smoked Beef Jerky and the remaining Salt 'n Pepper Baked Pop Chips.

This was followed by a delicious salad featuring baby spinach, green beans, yellow bell pepper, and Sungold cherry tomatoes with my homemade herb-Dijon vinaigrette.

A little later that afternoon, I had a nice hunk of that wonderful Parmesan-Reggiano.

The Phillies were squaring off against their rival New York Mets that night, so I went to Shorty's to DJ before and after the game, as well as during the commercials.  Now I never visit Shorty's without eating, so on this night, I opted for what they call Rondon's Crab Cake with Crab Fries. 

Some crabcakes are loaded with filler, but that ain't the case here.  I honestly have no idea how the cake stays together because it tastes as though it's nothing but crabmeat.  Spread on a little tartar sauce, add a couple dashes of Tabasco, put that baby on a soft bun that feels as though it's been buttered, and we are in business!

Crab Fries are a regional specialty that seems to stretch from the Chesapeake Bay to Philly.  Shorty's already has damn good fries, but these are loaded with Old Bay.  I confess that I'm not the world's biggest Old Bay fan, but if you like powerful seasoning with a salty kick, Crab Fries are just the thing for you.

A friend of mine was visiting from LA, so a couple of our college buddies agreed to meet at Shorty's for a few beers.  Later, his girlfriend joined us, and bless her heart, she brought some Red Velvet Cupcakes, which we cut into fourths and shared.

Ladies, I'll say it now.  If you really want to win over your man's friends, bring them Red Velvet Cupcakes.  After one bite, this woman could do no wrong in my eyes.  I was sold.  I'm ready to greenlight a marriage!

[alltheshitiate]

9/8/10 - Happy Jew Year!

It was Rosh Hashanah!

The Jewish New Year!

Fuck yeah!

Tradition says that people are supposed to eat apples and honey on Rosh Hashanah.  However, my family wasn't very traditional, so I never had that experience outside of Sunday School, and I had no desire to revisit Sunday School traditions because Sunday School was a torturous ordeal that kept me from watching football as a child.  However, on this day, I happened to have some apples on hand from the C.S.A., as well as some organic honey that a friend gave to me.  Why not give it a try and see what all the fuss is about?

I have to admit that those traditional Jews were on to something.  This was a tasty combination, although I think that was mostly because the honey was excellent.  It was neither cloying nor dull; it had just the right amount of sweetness.  I don't think I've ever tasted honey this good.

For a late lunch around 4:00, I grilled up a couple of those All Natural Al Fresco Sundried Tomato Chicken Sausages and applied a little Camp Skyler Hot Yellow Sauce.  I also had some cucumber and green beans with Sabra Roasted Red Pepper Hummus.

There were also a couple of baked Pop Chips:

This was a delightful and nutritious lunch that served to tide me over until the main event: dinner with Louis and Carrie.

Louis and Carrie are two very cool people whom I met a few years ago when I was working the box office for MoMA's film series.  Louis was wearing a Jazz Fest t-shirt, and when I asked him about it, he told me that he always stays in a friend's house in New Orleans, and right there on the spot, he offered me a free place to stay.  Yes, the man knew me for all of 30 seconds and was offering me vacation lodgings!  That gives you some idea of how generous Louis and Carrie are.

Louis is an accountant, and Carrie works for him.  Seeing one another all the time would likely drive most married couples insane, but Louis and Carrie solved that problem by living in different apartments in different parts of Manhattan.  I thought this was a brilliant move on their part, and it's probably a big reason why their marriage has endured for 30 years.  I once had a girlfriend who wanted me to move in with her, so I told her about Louis and Carrie's unique living situation.

Within minutes, our entire relationship was over.

Anyway, Louis and Carrie have always treated me like a son, and we will occasionally have one another over for dinner, wine, single malt scotch, and mojitos.  They've been hosting me for Rosh Hashanah dinner for a few years running now, dating back to the time when Louis duped me into attending services at an Orthodox synagogue. After sitting through an insanely long service without ever knowing when I was supposed to stand up, sit down, beat my chest, sing, or do a box step with jazz hands, I vowed never to return.  Louis remains a good soldier, bravely attending services each year, while Carrie and I would burn in Hell if either of us believed in it.

The meal began with some unsalted almonds.

And per tradition, there were apples and honey, albeit displayed in a much more fancy way than I did it.

For the main event, Carrie grilled some nice steaks, smothered in onions and mushrooms, served alongside some perfectly cooked green beans, roasted potatoes, and kugel, a traditional Jewish egg noodle-based pudding/casserole.

,

Everyone makes kugel differently. My Mom makes kugel with cream cheese and golden raisins, and it is fantastic.  That's not to say that other kugels are not very good, but my Mom reads this blog, and if I were to praise someone else's kugel, well, let's just say there could be financial repercussions come Hanukkah.  I've learned to just eat other kugels without issuing my opinion.

In the French style, I had my salad after the main course.

And I had bread, too.

And when a Jewish mother offers you more food, you don't turn down a second plate.

Cheesecake for dessert!

And the meal concluded with a little piece of Ritter Sport chocolate.

I've always wondered why these things are called Ritter Sport.  As far as I can tell, there's nothing particularly sporty about a chocolate bar.

[alltheshitiate]

9/7/10 - Selling Italy By The Pound

I was running a little behind, and I needed to get something in my stomach quickly, so I grabbed a can of Progresso Roasted Garlic Chicken Soup with Penne and heated it up in the microwave.

For years, I lived off of canned soup, although I haven't really had it in a long time, partly because it's been hot outside and partly because these sodium-heavy soups probably aren't all that healthy.

Soup wasn't going to be enough to fill me up, so I had a few Cracked Black Pepper Pop Chips.

I like baked chips.  I've been eating potato chips since shortly after being weaned off of breast milk, and I think I got into the whole baked chip thing about 11 or 12 years ago.  Are they particularly good for me?  Probably not, but I don't think they're catastrophically unhealthy, either.

After finishing the chips, I had a Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chip Granola Bar.

I think these things are the perfect example of how food companies mask unhealthy foods.  Are they as harmful as eating a Big Mac?  No, but don't let the words "Quaker Granola Bar" fool you.  They may be low in fat, but there's plenty of sugar in there.

But you know what?  I really like 'em, and everybody needs some sugar.  If you don't like it, go piss up a rope.

Apparently, I was trying to set some sort of record for most number of items consumed during a fast lunch, so I topped it off with these three plums.

I really need to get back to eating plums again.  If they're ripe and juicy, they can't be beat.

I was going to my first commercial voiceover class with a new instructor, which went very well.  However, it was a little weird because the class was all guys (we'd get one woman joining us the following week), and I was the only one with any real professional acting experience.  Most of these guys were in their late 20s, and the class ended with a whole lot of extraneous handshaking. I think guys obsessively shake hands when they're nervous.  My primary memory of my senior prom was all of the guys continually shaking hands.  I have no idea why everyone was doing this.  We all knew each other, and we never greeted each other this way.  I guess someone felt as though wearing a tuxedo was a real accomplishment, and he began shaking other guys' hands as a means of congratulating them for wearing something other than jeans and a flannel shirt.  It's weird, but this sort of thing still happens with men who are not used to playing dress-up.  Look for it the next time you see men at a wedding or an uncomfortable corporate party.  I guarantee you it will be a out of control handshake-a-thon.

Anyway, when class ended, everyone stood around shaking this hand and that hand for no apparent reason.  There were also tons of superfluous compliments paid to everyone's voices and lots of talk about how we were all going to be successful (after one class!).  It was really hard to stomach.  I'd gone through this naive phase of my life many years ago, and I'd already been beaten down by the harsh realities of the business.  I tried to be pleasant and smile, but I couldn't share in their enthusiasm because I knew better.  I would imagine that they probably thought I felt as though I was superior to them, but that wasn't true.  I really just didn't give a shit about any of these people.

Well, acting as if I cared about their precious little hopes and dreams made me hungry, and lo and behold, I found a nearby pizza place called Pie By the Pound.  You'll never believe this, but this place serves pizza pies...wait for it...by the pound.  It sounded like a novel concept, albeit one that was surely designed to ripoff the customer.  However, it was new to me, and I thought, "My three readers would want me to eat here."  More importantly, I thought, "Mother of God, I'm fucking starving!  MUST HAVE PIZZA NOW!"

Since I was new to the concept of weighing pizza, the girl behind the counter explained the easy process and offered me a sample of their best-selling Fresh Cubed Pie.  It was good enough to hook me in, so I got a couple of inches of that, and in need of some vegetables, I had a larger piece of some sort of Garden Veggie Pie.

The whole thing cost me $7.05, which wasn't terrible, although it was still probably more expensive than regular slices would be at most places.  The pizza was flat with a crisp crust.  I liked the texture of the Fresh Cubed Pie, and the fresh tomatoes added a little tang.  I'm typically a little disappointed in veggie pies because different types of veggies take different amounts of time to cook, so some bites are crisp while others are soggy.  That was somewhat true here, although I appreciated the fact that there was an ample amount of vegetables on board, which was good enough for me.  If I were hungry in the area, I'd probably return to Pie By the Pound to try some of their other wares.

About four hours later, I decided to have what I guess you could call dinner, so I grilled up a couple of those all natural Al Fresco Sundried Tomato Chicken Sausages with some Cochon Abita Beer Whole Grain Mustard on the side.

Ain't nothing wrong with that.

I followed it up with a salad featuring Sungold cherry tomatoes from my garden with green beans from the C.S.A., along with red pepper and organic spinach, topped by my homemade Dijon-herb vinaigrette.

It was a nice healthy way to get back to normal, and for the first time in what seemed like forever, I was finished eating by 9:00PM.  Maybe I was finally learning some discipline! 

Nah.

[alltheshitiate]

9/6/10 - I'm Going Home

I got on the shuttle bus to White River Junction and found myself dead tired, crammed into an uncomfortable seat with the sun beating down on my face.  It was somewhat chilly outside, so the heat was on in the van, but with the sun blazing through the windows, I felt like I was soup.  We were riding in a microwave on four wheels, and it was bloody awful.  Everyone else was managing to sleep by leaning against the window or each other, but I was stuck in a tough spot on the right side of the bench seat, unable to lean on the window because of the aisle and unable to lay in the aisle because of the wheel well.  Admittedly, I could have just leaned over to my left and slept on Neal, but he and I had just met that week and we weren't yet on using-each-other-as-a-human-pillow terms. I had no choice but to just sit there, stewing in my own juices.

It felt as though it took forever to get to the White River Junction rest stop, where we boarded the Greyhound for New York.  Never in my entire life have I been so excited to get on a Greyhound bus.

Once on board, I ate a couple of peanut butter cookies for breakfast.  They came from the rest stop, so I guess they had some sort of special Vermont jazz in them. I don't know.  I'm not really picky when it comes to peanut butter cookies.  I tend to like 'em all.

For what I guess you would call lunch, I had some Rosie's Vermont Beef Jerky. This was the sweet 'n spicy flavor, and as you can see from the crushed red pepper, it was more on the spicy side.

I also had a peanut butter chocolate chip granola bar...

...and a Granny Smith apple.

The ride home was much smoother than the ride to Vermont, thanks in large part to the fact that I was so brutally exhausted that I had no choice but to fall asleep.  It was wonderful to finally disembark in New York.  I made it home with all of my stuff, and I conked out for a nice nap.  When I got up, I looked in my pantry and saw this pre-cooked Indian Vegetable Biriyani meal in a box, so I heated it up in the microwave and ate it.

I'd only had Vegetable Biriyani one other time in my life, and I didn't like it, so I was giving it a second chance.  Well, I still didn't like it.  It was too damn starchy with not enough vegetables.  Maybe by "vegetable" they really just mean Biriyani without meat.  A little while later, I paid a visit to the Natural Market buffet, which is half-price after 8PM.

Let's see...Starting in the upper left corner and moving clockwise that's whole wheat rotini with tofu, tomatoes, and onions in a balsamic vinaigrette, chickpea salad, grilled vegetables in an apple cider vinaigrette, shredded cabbage and carrot slaw, new potato salad with turkey bacon and tomatoes, roasted beets, and black beans and rice with cilantro.  You can never really go wrong on this buffet.

And then a little later I had some of those damned Tostitos with a Hint of Lime and Brad's Organic Roasted Garlic Salsa.

Happy friggin' Labor Day.

[alltheshitiate]

9/5/10 - Fueling and Surviving an All-Night Dance Marathon

A rough morning began with a peanut butter chocolate chip granola bar...

...as well as an apple.

About a half an hour later, I reported to my first class in the dining hall.  I was still pretty groggy, and I noticed that they had peanut butter and jelly sitting out, so I made myself a sandwich on a piece of white bread.

Yeah, I like to go heavy on the jelly.

By the time lunch hit, I was a fading fast.  I made the assumption that carbs would help, so I had some leftover jambalaya.

I also made a big ol' salad topped with Greek dressing.

Everyone was raving about these sandwiches, but as someone from the Philly area, I can tell you that they were nothing to write home about, so I did not write home about them.  As a matter of fact, I did not write home about anything.  Sorry, Mom.  I don't even think I finished this sandwich because the bread was so crappy.

I was able to squeeze in a short afternoon nap, but I was still in rough shape at dinner.  I went for some mashed potatoes, stir fry, and a steak.

The steak had the consistency of shoe leather.  Your jaw could get a nice workout while chewing on this sucker.

Holy crap!  Tofu snuck into my stir fry!

I also had a salad with Italian dressing.

Your eyes do not deceive you-- my friend tortellini was able to work his way in there.

Dessert was a little vanilla cake and a little chocolate cake.  I don't recall liking either one because I think they were a little dry.

After another brief nap, I showered and got ready for the grand finale of camp.  The final dance began around 9PM, and I had every intention of staying until the bitter end.  I'd made it to the end of every dance each night, with the exception of the one night when I left 20 minutes before a dance ended at 3:30AM, so tired as I may have felt, I was bound and determined to make it to the bitter end.  We had to perform choreographed dances to start, and while the choreography wasn't difficult, earlier in the day I was having a hard time remembering it because my brain was so exhausted.  Thankfully, I remembered everything, and the routine went off without hitch.  After that was done, I was able to relax.

The band played until about 12:30, and then they brought out some pizza and S'mores.

I don't remember if I had two slices of sausage pepperoni pizza and two S'mores or if I just took multiple shots of them.  Knowing me, I probably had two of each.

When the band stopped, the DJs took over.  Between about 2:30AM and 4:30AM, nothing but soul music was played, which was right in my power alley.  I was having an absolute blast.

I took a brief break around 3:30AM for refueling purposes.

Maybe I was just totally exhausted, but this pizza tasted great.  (As a New Yorker, I feel guilty even typing that.)

At this point, I was over six hours into the dance at the end of a long an exhausting week.  Something crazy happens when you're dancing this late in a room full of tired people: everyone relaxes and stops caring.  No one tries to impress anyone else, and no one judges.  I felt totally free to try new things, making up moves on the spot and leading things I'd never even thought of before.  If you're still dancing at four in the morning, chances are, you only care about having fun...and even though my legs felt like jelly, I was having a shitload of fun!

Unfortunately, I also needed to pack to go home, so I had to leave the dance a little before 5AM to run back to my cabin to pack.  I slammed all of my crap into bags and then carted them down to the dining hall, where I had one final S'more at 5:30AM.

We had a shuttle bus waiting for a 6AM departure to take us to White River Junction, Vermont, where we'd board our dreaded Greyhound Bus back to New York.

I danced a couple more very sloppy, very fun dances and did one final swingout before racing out the door to the awaiting van.

Yes, I danced for nine freakin' hours before bidding adieu to Swing Out New Hampshire.  At that point, I was all swung out.

[alltheshitiate]

9/4/10 - Day Four of Camp: LOBSTAH!

Breakfast in the cabin began with a one-two punch:

A peanut butter chocolate chip granola bar and...

...an apple that I smuggled out of the dining hall.

They went to great lengths to warn us that we should not have food in our cabins or we might be attacked by bears, raccoons, and snakes, so I went to great lengths to keep food in my cabin without fear.  When the entire camp smelled like barbecue as they were cooking ribs in the dining hall, I couldn't foresee a bear breaking into my cabin to get an apple or a granola bar.

Lunch had some sort of Mexican theme.

Instead of wrapping my chicken fajitas, I just ate them naked with a couple of chips on the side.

This salad was topped with a little Greek dressing.

And I grabbed a little ratatouille on the side.  Yup, that's a cube of tofu you see in there.

I had a cookie for dessert...but it was no ordinary cookie...

It had magical powers!...or at least a chocolate filled center.

Later on that afternoon, I snacked on one of those little tastes of Vermont I had purchased at the rest stop.

You know, I tried taking pictures of this thing in a few different ways, but there was no way I could make it look more appealing than a puddle of vomit.  However, looks are very deceiving because this cookie was fantastic.  It contained granola, chocolate, peanuts, and Vermont maple syrup. SCORE!

On the day we checked into camp, they asked us if we wanted lobster or steak for the "special dinner."  Where I'm from, lobster ain't cheap, so this was a no-brainer for me.

I had it with a side of pesto pasta salad and pureed butternut squash, the latter of which was quite good with little hints of ginger.  Now I believe this was only the second time in my life that I've eaten a whole lobster.  The previous time was in Maine, and I had a few experts to guide me through the process.  My family had a boat on the Chesapeake Bay when I way young, so I grew up eating hardshell crabs, and thanks to my trips to New Orleans, I practically have a PhD in dismantling crawfish, but lobster is a much larger, much more daunting crustacean.  Thankfully, there were a couple of native New Englanders at my table who were more than willing to educate me on the proper way to dismember this beast of the sea.  I wanted to take more pictures, but it was messy as all Hell, with water squirting everywhere.  (I think I accidentally shot someone in the face at some point.) 

I don't know if it's because of my experience eating hardshell crabs or if it's because I have an aversion to wasting food, but I did my best to get as much knuckle and leg meat out of that monster as possible.  I did notice that the claw meat was sweeter and more tender than the tail meat, but I didn't get enough knuckle or leg meat to detect any distinguishing characteristics.

I really enjoyed this lobster, although I'm an admitted lobster novice, so my opinion is far from the final word on this dish.  But let's be honest, if you dipped nuclear waste in drawn butter, it would probably taste pretty good to me.

I also had a salad with olive oil and vinegar.  BOR-ING!

I'm not sure what this dessert was called, so I'm labeling it an Apple Brown Betty.  It had a little ginger and spice along with the apples.

Oh, but I wasn't done with that Brown Betty quite yet.  During the late night dance, they had more of it out, and this time I had topped it with some French Vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce, and some whipped cream...from a can!  Yeah, baby!

That'll keep you dancing, at least until the sugar crash, which began to occur at precisely 2:48AM.  So how does one counteract a sugar crash?

Eat more Brown Betty, of course!

This worked and helped me power through until about 4AM.  Of course, the next day was going to be brutally exhausting.

[alltheshitiate]

9/3/10 - Day Three of Camp

Well, one day of breakfast at the dining hall was more than enough for me.  I could see how my "last man standing on the dancefloor in the wee hours of the morning" routine wasn't going to work out well if I were going to wake up early every morning for breakfast.  By the grace of God, the people in my level of classes had a "free period" scheduled after breakfast, which meant "Brian gets to sleep in."

Of course, I needed to eat something, and thankfully, I'd stocked up on Vermont goodies at that rest stop, and I also brought some granola bars from home for good measure.

This thing was called a Millionaire Pie.  It was big baked square comprised of marshmallows, coconut, peanut butter, chocolate chips, and seven tons of sugar.  Sugar-- it does a body good!  Yeah, this thing was pretty awesome.

Of course, by the time lunch arrived, I was in desperate need of substantial food.

I attempted to go vegetarian to counteract the extremely unhealthy breakfast of the morning (I know that you can't really counteract an unhealthy meal, but I like to believe that I can because it helps alleviate guilt), so I had a bread bowl filled with ratatouille, a piece of cardboard pizza, and a salad with olive oil and vinegar.  Yes, you eyes do not deceive you.  That's tofu in that there breadbowl!  The ratatouille wasn't bad, and I'm pretty sure that I didn't eat that massive breadbowl.

I believe this was a sort of Key Lime pie/bar kinda thing.

And I liked it so much that I had seconds.  So much for eating healthy.  Oh wait.  I had a piece of watermelon, so I was in the clear.

Later on that afternoon, I snacked on a peanut butter chocolate chip granola bar (just to make sure my sugar levels didn't drop).

Dinner had a New Orleans theme, which typically spells disaster.

On this plate you can see a combination of the dishes the camp called Jambalaya and Red Beans & Rice.  While neither were anything close to authentic, they tasted alright for what they were.  Some Sriracha hot sauce certainly helped.

I also had a salad with olive oil and vinegar.

I know this will be hard to believe, but I ate dessert, too.  This was a combination of pecan pie and key lime pie.

But wait-- there's more!  I went back for seconds, purely to get some of the vegetarian gumbo because I love okra.  I remember liking this quite a bit.

Later on that night, we had the big dance, and there was no way in Hell that I'd refuse another piece of key lime pie.

I think I lasted until 4AM, thanks to the miracle of sugar.

[alltheshitiate]

9/2/10 - Day Two of Camp

Whoa.  What on Earth is this?

Yup.  That's an actual breakfast, and I ate it...at a normal time!  The French Toast was sound, and shock of shocks, I liked the bacon.  The oatmeal was...well, let's just say that I'm only 25% Irish, so the remaining 75% of me likes food with flavor, and the oatmeal was way too bland for my tastes.

Normally, temperatures are in the high 70s at this time of year in Hebron, New Hampshire.  However, we were in the midst of a big heatwave, with several days in the low-to-mid 90s.  While the classes were great, the heat really made them quite exhausting.  I drank several liters of water per day, and I was famished by the time each meal rolled around.

They served "pizza" for lunch.  These little slices ranked somewhere between awful and crap, but I was so hungry that I didn't care.

There was always a salad bar at lunch and dinner.  Oh, hello there, Imitation Bacon Bits!

I could not remember the last time I had a freezepop, and I was damn excited when I saw a cooler full of these.  You bet your ass I rummaged through that cooler for a while until I found a green one, which immediately evoked memories of fighting my brother for the green ones throughout my entire childhood.  My poor mother would always try to find a box of nothing but lime freezepops, but such a thing did not exist in those days, so my brother and I would fight over the lime one, and the loser would get the blue raspberry consolation prize.  After that, neither of us gave a shit about the orange, grape, or cherry that was leftover.

In all honesty, this particular freezepop was pretty lame and lacking in flavor, but at the end of the day, it was green and it was all mine because my brother was nowhere in sight.  Finally, a victory for the first born!

Dinner arrived, and I was starving, so I loaded up for the long haul.

I had burger that was not noteworthy, pork ribs that were not noteworthy, and some tortellini marinara that was not noteworthy.  On the other hand, all of it was filling.

When it came time for me to choose a dressing for this salad, I realized I hadn't had ranch dressing on a salad in a few years, so I took the plunge.

And here was our friend, that crazy cake that was loaded with coffee.  Yum.

Once again, the late night dance featured cookies, and once again, I rocked the peanut butter and the unimpressive looking but flavorful chocolate chip.  It was enough to get me through the late night dance, and I finally retired with the last of the dancers around 2:30AM.  Good night, John-Boy.

[alltheshitiate]

9/1/10 - Heading to Fancy Jazz Hands Camp

On the night before vacations and big trips, I like to wait until the last minute to get caught up from all of the procrastinating I've done, and I prefer to avoid sleeping.  I find it's very healthy to start a vacation when you're dead tired, so on this night, I got a grand total of 45 minutes of sleep before racing off to the Greyhound terminal to board my 6:00AM bus to White River Junction, VT.  Of course, in the process of my overpacking, I managed to destroy the zipper on one bag and severely damage the zipper on the other.  All of this drama necessitated 30 panicked minutes in which I sat on bags, struggled with zippers, unpacked and repacked, and made executive decisions to ditch superfluous items, such as my pillow (I opted for a pillow case stuffed with sweatshirts, which actually worked well).  With the clock ticking down, the entire misadventure was quite stressful, and since I was running so far behind, I had no choice but to call a car to take me to the Greyhound station.  The car arrived, and the driver apparently was incredibly sleepy, as evidenced by the fact that he unwittingly ran a red light at Madison Ave. (thankfully, there isn't much traffic at 5:30AM) and then nearly ran over a cop standing in the middle of the street.  As if that were not enough, my Greyhound ticket didn't clearly state the gate I needed, so I found myself running around Port Authority, desperately hoping to find an employee who could help me.  For those of you who don't know, Greyhound's motto is "Fuck you, we don't care," so this was a lot of fun.

Finally, I made it on my bus, and I settled into my uncomfortable seat for a nice 6.5 hour ride alongside the dregs of humanity.  I was somehow able to get a little bit of sleep here and there, but for the most part, I was just miserable.

I didn't have much faith in the culinary diversity of Greyhound stations across the Atlantic seaboard, so I brought along a Balsamic Grilled Chicken Artichoke Sun-Dried Tomato Wrap, which served as breakfast.

Eventually, we arrived in White River Junction, where we were met by our shuttle bus driver, who informed us that we had a few minutes to grab lunch before heading to camp.  She suggested we go to McDonald's, which resulted in astonished cries for help from the liberal elite New Yorkers.  Taken aback, she also mentioned that a nearby Subway was an alternative.

Neither of those places interested me, primarily because I prefer to take in a local, unique establishment when I travel.  Obviously, there was no restaurant in the vicinity, but there was a travel plaza selling food items from Vermont.  BINGO!  I stocked up for the week.

I bought a variety of different flavored beef jerkies from Rosie's Vermont Beef Jerky, and I opted to have the Cajun flavored one for lunch.

For some reason, people seem to believe that beef jerky is bad for you.  Nay, I say. Naaaaaaay!  While the sodium levels in beef jerky are not the greatest, beef jerky is incredibly low in fat and rich in protein.  It's also quite delicious, and this particular one was rather spicy.

As if it wasn't spicy enough, I also opted for a small bag of Deep River Zesty Jalapeno Kettle Cooked Chips.  

Ain't nothing healthy about those chips, but they were rather tasty.

So then we took the shuttle bus to Camp Wicosuta, home of Swing Out New Hampshire.  Many of my non-dancing friends derisively referred to this place as "Fancy Jazz Hands Camp," primarily because they were doing anything possible to dissuade me from going, as my attendance at Swing Out New Hampshire would prevent me from throwing my annual Labor Day party.  Tough shit for them, I was going to camp, regardless of what they called it.

Meals were provided at the camp dining hall, and because this was a gathering of dancers, great care was taken to insure that the meals were as healthy as possible.  To my surprise, most of the food was actually pretty good.

It had been years since I'd eaten pasta, but I knew I was going to need the carbs for energy.  I had some rotini and ravioli with meat sauce, along with some garlic bread, steamed broccoli, and a side salad (barely pictured).  

I guess my meager beef jerky and chips dinner wasn't very filling, so I grabbed some more broccoli and a little baked tortellini.  Pasta is pasta, and I don't know why I have such an affinity for tortellini, but whenever I see it, whether it's in salads, baked, or just covered in sauce, I need to have it.

For dessert, they served this great cake that had coffee in the batter, as well as inside the icing.  I'm not a caffeine drinker, and I'm not a coffee drinker, but I loved this cake. 

Every night at Swing Out New Hampshire features a dance, and some sort of treats are routinely served to perk up the dancers.  On this night, they had a couple of cookies.

I'm a peanut butter junkie, so the peanut butter one on the right was a no-brainer for me, but the chocolate chip cookie on the left was an unexpected hit.  I normally don't dig those flat, crispy kind of cookies, but this one must have had a pound of butter in the batter because it was super tasty.

I was already beat, and the dance was winding down around 1:30AM, so I decided to retire early and call it a night.

[alltheshitiate]

8/31/10 - A Day of Small Portions

I don't know if I was consciously trying to eat less or if I just forgot to eat, but I didn't have my first "meal" until 2:00, when I ate some Tostitos with a Hint of Lime.

Ten minutes later, I opted for something more substantial in the form of green beans with Athenos Roasted Garlic Hummus.

I have to admit that this was not much in the way of food.  However, I rectified that two hours later, when I ate a mint while riding the subway.

The mint came from my hairdresser.  It was not that great because it tasted kind of chalky.  Hairdressers really have shitty candy.  Barbers seem to know what's what, or at least they did back in the days when I'd get a haircut as a 7 year-old and the barber would give me a huge Charms lollipop as an overt bribe to keep coming back, despite my mother's repeated complaints that he cropped the Hell out of my hair again.  Now that I go to hairdressers, they do a slightly better job of cutting my hair, but their candy is weak.

Well, this mint wasn't quite as filling as I'd hoped, so three hours later, I ate a yellow cherry tomato from my garden. 

Hmmm...this one tomato wasn't very filling either.  I've often heard that you should never eat a meal that's larger than the size of your fist, and whenever I've tried that, I would look very weird eating with huge, bulky mittens on my hands, but I had to do something to get those portions up to a human-sized level.  Not surprisingly, my new diet of not eating meals larger than a quarter wasn't quite panning out as I'd hoped.

It was time for something more substantial, so I got a Grilled Chicken, Spinach, and Feta Wrap from the Natural Market.

Okay, that was more like it.

I spent most of the night doing laundry and packing to go away to Swing Out New Hampshire, which I will talk more about tomorrow.  I used my trip to the Natural Market to buy preparations for this journey because I'd be boarding a 6:15AM Greyhound Bus to White River Junction, and I needed to be ready.

In the meantime, I needed something to eat to stay fueled throughout the all night packing process, so I settled on a few organic plums.

About an hour later, I ate the Spinach Pie I'd been saving for breakfast.

Breakfast is supposed to take place in the morning, so who says you can't eat breakfast at 2:33AM?

[alltheshitiate]

8/30/10 - Mysterious Indian Doughnut Things

Just like the day before, I ate a breakfast of peaches and nectarines with fresh chocolate mint and a little of the Toad Sweat vanilla hot sauce.

That was a nice start to the day, and a couple of hours later, I decided to polish off the Desert Pepper Trading Company Corn, Black Bean, and Roasted Red Pepper Salsa with Guiltless Gourmet Baked Blue Corn Chips.

Sometimes when I reach the end of the jar of salsa, I like to break up the chips inside the jar, and I eat the whole thing with a spoon.  Why?  I don't know-- I guess I'm weird, but I'm also rather economical.  I hate wasting food, so by using a spoon, I make sure I get to eat every last morsel of that wonderful salsa.

About an hour later, I had a sugar craving, and I noticed that I hadn't touched my giftbag from the amazing Hindu wedding, which included these mysterious Indian Doughnut Things.  Initially, I wasn't sure what these were, but I did some research online, and I learned that these things are actually called Mysterious Indian Doughnut Things.

They were sort of like glazed doughnuts, but they were a little more dense, and there seemed to be a lot of light brown sugar involved.  You know, I'm really not sure what to call them, so I'll just call them good.

Much later that afternoon, I had to make a trip to FedEx, and on the way there, I noticed a pizza place that I had never seen before.  It's exceedingly rare that an unknown pizza place can be found within a ten block radius of my location, and I was immediately tempted to try their wares.  However, I then felt as though I'd already been unhealthy enough with the Mysterious Indian Doughnut Things, and I shouldn't add pizza to my day's diet, so I decided to be good for a change.

BUT (and there's always a but) I walked home, and by the time I approached Piazza Pizza, I felt an uncontrollable urge, a savage hunger gnashing in my growling stomach, a desperate desire to have a slice of pizza before I lost all control and killed someone.

So in the interest of world peace, I had a slice from Piazza Pizza.

Yes, I should have just tried the new place, but at least I could count on Piazza's reliably good if somewhat unspectacular slice to satisfy my cravings.

Having shown myself to lack any semblance of will power, I needed to reverse course and go down the healthy path, so it actually felt good to eat a salad of cucumbers, Roma tomatoes, and green beans over mixed greens with a homemade Dijon vinaigrette.

But just when you thought it was safe to feel good about your diet, the remaining Mysterious Indian Doughnut Things call out to you, yearning to be eaten.  "Well, there's only a little bit left," you think.  "It's not enough to make that much difference in my caloric intake."

Yikes.  At this point, I was sure I was finished.  There could be no more breaking the rules and eating bad stuff.

And then I remembered that I still had some Ciao Bella Chocolate Jalapeno Gelato in the freezer.

I rationalized this decision to be bad by thinking that it would be better to concentrate all of my bad eating in one day, rather than leaving this wonderfully sweet & spicy dessert to wreak havoc on tomorrow's meals.

It's a good thing I'm not criminally inclined because the way I rationalize bad behavior could easily lead me to say, "Well, if I don't rob that bank, someone else will.  I should rob it now to prevent that person from beginning a life of crime.  I will rob this bank to make the world a better place!"

[alltheshitiate]

8/28/10 - The Zoo Has Lots of Animals But Nothing To Eat

This was going to be my nephew's first trip to the zoo, as well as my first trip to The Bronx Zoo.  As a matter of fact, short of a trip to Yankee Stadium this summer, it would be my first time setting foot in The Bronx in over two years. 

We got outta Dodge in the morning and hit the Natural Market, where I grabbed my now traditional Spinach Pie breakfast:

We made it to the zoo and walked around, looking at llamas, wild turkeys, and sea lions.  My nephew loves making animal noises on command, so he seemed to enjoy himself, although he was much more intrigued by the other children than the animals.  I can't blame him because some of the kids from Jersey did not appear to be domesticated.

Silly me, I thought a major tourist attraction like The Bronx Zoo would offer a culinary smorgasbord, ranging from exotic wild game pate to orecchiette with broccoli rabe and parmesan reggiano in an aged balsamic reduction to goat cheese fondue with truffle shavings and rosemary oil.  No dice.  We settled for a shack that offered a choice between chicken fingers, hot dogs, or Caesar salad.

I went with what I believed to be the least harmful choice: the Caesar salad.  At the very least, it had lettuce, which is a vegetable.

Of course, it had almost no flavor at all.  The flat chicken paillard (the only time anyone has ever referred to this crappy chicken in such a lofty way) was bland as bland could be, and the romaine lettuce was, well, romaine lettuce.  The croutons were like small rocks, and the packet of cheese I sprinkled upon it did little to help.  Even the gloppy dressing couldn't work any magic.

It's a damn shame that they couldn't figure out anything else to serve us, especially when the entire zoo is crawling with so many delicious animals.  I mean, just look at these tasty deer:

They're just laying around, living off the American taxpayer's dollar, and not being productive members of society.  Sure, they're from some exotic place called "Africa," but I think they would do a greater service to mankind as a tasty venison sandwich.

I was hoping the zoo could offer some sort of redeeming food, so I took the plunge and got some Mint Chocolate Chip Dippin' Dots Ice Cream.

Oddly enough, I'd never had anything like this.  Yeah, I'd seen it for years, but I never tried it because of my upbringing.  You see, as children, my brother and I were routinely tortured by the siren's song of Mister Softee.  While the other kids on our block would run out and attack the truck, smearing softserve ice cream all over their clothes, we would be left with our faces longingly pressed up against the glass, desperately pining away for that delicious treat, only to be denied by our parents, who would routinely say, "You're not eating that crap.  We have Breyers."  The decision was probably as much economical as it was health related, and I really did love Breyers, but kids always want what the other kids have.  Eventually, I grew to respect my parents' decision, recognizing that they inadvertantly helped make me the obnoxious food snob I am today (even though they won't eat half the stuff I do).  I have long since thumbed my nose at soft-serve ice cream, the synthesized drum machine of the ice cream world.  Because of this stance, the very unnatural Dippin' Dots never appealed to me.

However, now I have a food blog and a self-created mandate to try new things, which is really nothing more than a convenient excuse to eat like a pig.  So solely for you and you alone, dear reader, I tried the Dippin' Dots.  I took no pleasure in either its refreshing minty-chocolate flavor nor the unique and exciting texture of these little pieces that combined to form a wonderful pastiche of cooling creaminess.  It was a difficult sacrifice, and I hope you appreciate what I did for you.

I also felt you would want me to try my sister-in-law's Cake Batter flavor, which tasted just like an ice cream cake.

I still feel weak when I think about how much that sacrifice took out of me.

Exhausted from eating ice cream at the zoo merely to placate my curious readers, we moved on to our friend Duff's place for a cookout in his backyard.  Neither my brother nor I had seen Duff in years, but he was a regular back in our collegiate days when we'd tour the Northeast with Phish.  I was hoping that his tastes had now upraded from Kind Veggie Burritos and Phatty Garlic Grilled Cheese.

Indeed they had upgraded, partly because Duff's wife is quite a cook. She prepared quite a spread for his guests, and I was more than willing to try everything...repeatedly.

The feast began with some Caprese Salad, Pigs in a Blanket, some sort of crunchy corn nut things, and Crudite.  I really thought my nephew would love the latter, using the carrots as a licking stick for the ranch dressing (just as he'd done with sweet potato fries the day before), but he'd already lost interest in the concept.  18-month-olds can be a fickle lot.

They had this very cool triple crockpot contraption that held three excellent dips: Chili con Queso, Spinach and Artichoke, and Reuben Dip. 

I dipped Tostitos Scoops in the zesty queso and used pumpernickel bread to lap up the creamy spinach and artichoke.

Rye bread for the Reuben Dip was a nice touch.  I'd never even heard of Reuben Dip prior to this party, but with a base of corned beef, sauerkraut, and Russian dressing, it seemed rather logical.

It's not a party without a meat and cheese tray and the addition of salami here was a nice touch.  (No, I did not eat the entire tray...I couldn't digest the plastic.)

Duff grilled up some burgers, so I had one with American cheese, onions, mustard, and ketchup.

Most people would not eat both a burger and a pulled pork sandwich, but I am not most people.  Also, I knew you wanted me to have the macaroni and cheese, so I acquiesced.

For good measure, I had this chocolate chip cookie. 

It came from some storebought package, and it was nothing special.  It was totally unneccessary for me to eat this, but you could probably say that about almost everything I eat.

When we rolled out of Duff's, I was absurdly stuffed.  We came back to my place and just chilled for a while.  Suddenly, at some point close to midnight, my brother got a wild hair up his ass and decided he needed to have some pizza.  Now I can't blame him for wanting New York pizza because it is the greatest pizza known to man, but you need to plan these things out in advance.  You just don't decide you want pizza at midnight and expect to get the cream of the crop.  Yes, this is a 24-hour city, but not everything operates 'round the clock.  The best places make their own hours.

Piazza Pizza, my go to pizza place in the neighborhood, was closed.  I tried ringing a couple of others but had no luck.  I started doing some searches online, and I finally found a place.  I don't remember the name of it, but I think it was called something creative like Astoria Pizza.  I was all set to order my brother a plain pie, but then he wanted to know what toppings they had.  Take my advice-- do not order toppings from a pizza place you do not know.  While most places can make a credible plain pie, toppings open up a whole new can of worms.  It's very risky move because you don't know the origin of said toppings.

Nevertheless, my brother ignored my warnings and told me to order a meatball pizza.  Never in a million years would I order a meatball pizza from a unknown source, but he was deadset on trying it because he apparently cannot get meatballs on pizza where he lives.

We took the plunge, ordered the pie, it arrived, we tasted it, and...

It was rather crappy.  It was still better than most of the pizza you'd get anywhere outside of New York, but it was far from a model offering, as the meatballs were anything but tasty.

Of course, I had to try it for myself to officially certify that it was bad...and it was.

[alltheshitiate]

8/27/10 - Licking Ranch

An actual, honest-to-goodness breakfast was had at the Natural Market.

By now, you know all about my love of the spinach pie.

I also love their vegan peanut butter pudding.

It is creamy, luscious, and probably really bad for me, but because it has the word “vegan” in its name, I have convinced myself that it’s so healthy that I need to eat it on a regular basis in order to survive.  So far, so good.

For lunch, I had some Tostitos Lime Tortilla Chips with Desert Pepper Company Corn, Black Bean, and Roasted Red Pepper Salsa.

I have no recollection why I had Tostitos Lime Tortilla Chips on hand, but it was probably because THEY ARE FUCKING DELICIOUS!

I went to the old standby, the Tasty II, to order a Mediterranean Wrap with Gyro.

However, this time, I really mixed it up and ordered a side of yogurt-based, cucumber-laden tzatziki sauce for the wrap.

Craaaaaazy.

I also ate some tzatziki on the Tostitos.

Man, I was living on the edge.

Later that afternoon, my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew arrived, and we all went out to dinner at Bareburger Organic.  Yeah, I’d just been there a couple of days ago, but this was a chance to try something new on the menu.

We split an order of the Fresh Cut French Fries, which come with curry ketchup, chipotle mayo, and Bareburger special sauce.

The fries were great, and the curry ketchup was the real star of the sauce parade.

I also insisted we get some orange-ginger mayo.

Just like last time, it had a remarkably complex taste.

My brother really wanted to order sliders for the adults to share, but he’s easily distracted by vibrant adjectives on a menu.  Therefore, no matter how we tried to argue with him, he was deadset on ordering the Spicy Bacon Sliders with jalapeno jack cheese, applewood smoked bacon, jalapeno relish, lettuce, and spicy ranch.

How do you spell overkill?

This slider tasted like I was eating fire.  There was really no need to put so much spicy stuff on one poor burger.  Speaking of the burger, I couldn’t taste it at all.  They should have just brought out a pint of Tabasco and told us to drink it because it would have had more depth of flavor than this concoction.

For the past couple of days, I’d eaten with a total disregard for my health, and now here I was sitting in a burger mecca, wondering which devilish path to take.  I opted for the lesser of twelve evils and ordered the Red Pepper Pesto Burger with Cajun Grilled Chicken.

Yes, I ordered chicken at a burger joint, and yes, my Man Card was immediately revoked.

However, the combination of creamy Havarti, roasted red peppers, baby spinach, and Bareburger pesto mayo were a good fit on the Cajun Grilled Chicken.  The chicken was a little dry, but let’s be honest-- isn’t all grilled chicken a little dry?  That’s why you pile lots of condiments and sauces on top of it…sauces that completely negate the healthy effects of the chicken.  Shit.  I screwed up again.

This is a picture of my nephew.  No, I did not eat him.  I’m only including this picture because he’s very cute, and if I’ve learned anything from Lolcats it’s that pictures of cute things with humorous captions are an Internet goldmine.  Now that I’ve posted this picture, I’m going to sit back and watch the money come pouring in.

Regardless of my impending wealth, my nephew was eating very posh chicken fingers coated in panko breadcrumbs and fries with ranch dressing.  It was his first time trying ranch dressing, and he took to dipping the fries in the ranch, then licking off the ranch and re-dipping without ever wasting precious stomach space on those fries.  For the record, I did not teach him this technique, although I was very impressed and hope to soon integrate it into my diet.

While stopping in the Natural Market to buy some beer, my sister-in-law became enthralled by the Ciao Bella Chocolate Jalapeno Gelato gazing seductively inside the freezer case.  She’s a true dessert and chocolate lover, and considering how great this gelato tastes, I wasn’t going to stand in her way.

Unfortunately for her, she fell asleep early, leaving the gelato in the fiendish hands of my brother and me.  We actually exercised some impressive restraint and did not plow through the entire pint with its wonderfully rich, Dutch chocolate base spiked with actual fiery pieces of chopped jalapeno.

Mmmmm…sweet dreams.

[alltheshitiate]

8/26/10 - The Mystery of the Motz Burger

I had eaten enough the night before to last me for several weeks, so quelle surprise, breakfast was not on the agenda.

However, there were a few leftovers salvaged from the marathon of Greek meals, so I had my way with this little platter for lunch.

It included Greek meatballs, lamb chop, that assortment of cured/dried lamb/beef/some kinda meat, a piece of the dolmades (wrapped in kale, not grape leaves), a couple pieces of pepper, and fried sage with a horseradish-laden mustard and a piquant remoulade.  I didn’t eat the grilled lemon.

I had nice yellow tomato sitting around, so I decided to give it the usual treatment.

With some aged balsamic vinegar, kosher salt, and fresh basil, it was quite refreshing.

For the life of me, I cannot remember why I ate this slice of pizza with chicken and vodka sauce from nearby Gino's of Broadway Pizzeria.  Oh, wait.  Now I remember.  I ate it because I’M TOTALLY ADDICTED TO PIZZA!

I also love vodka sauce, and I like to order chicken on pizza because then I can pretend that it's healthy.

It may surprise you, but updating a blog about all the food you ate six weeks after the fact doesn’t pay the bills.  Nay, for that I must whore myself, and when prostitution isn’t as lucrative as I’d like, I pick up odd gigs as a copywriter and a DJ.  I’ve now worked a couple of great bills with New Orleans bands, and I’ve been billed as DJ Cochon de Lait.  If you’ve been to Jazz Fest, you know all about the wonder of Cochon de Lait.  If you haven’t been, you will learn all about it in due time.  Regardless, these shows have been an absolute blast, and not only has it been an honor to share the stage with brilliant acts, such as Bonerama, Tab Benoit, Big Sam’s Funky Nation, Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue, Jon Cleary, and the High & Mighty Brass Band, it’s been a joy to DJ for such incredible crowds.  I LOVE New Orleans music, and I’m on Cloud 9 when the entire crowd is grooving to the greasy Nola funk & soul I’m throwing down.  (This is a far cry from my other DJ gig in a sportsbar, where I must accommodate requests to hear the latest drivel from Black Eyed Peas, as my soul slowly withers and dies.)

In any case, this great event was taking place at the Water Taxi Beach at South Street Seaport.  I hadn’t really been to the Seaport since high school, as it’s primarily considered a haven for tourists.  However, this was one gorgeous day, and everyone at the Seaport was in a great mood.  The Water Taxi Beach is an actual man-made beach on the river with spectacular views of multiple bridges:

The 700 or so people in attendance were the best crowd I’ve ever had, and they did not want to stop moving at any time during the night.  The band on stage would finish, and then I’d throw on a bunch of brass band tunes, and suddenly the party was rolling again.  It was a real high.

Unfortunately, I had to eat at some point.

I was kind of scared about my food options at Water Taxi Beach, which were primarily restricted to fish tacos, wings, burgers, or fries.  At first, I thought the fish tacos would be the way to go.  They’d be the healthiest option, and generally places don’t bother with the hassle of serving fish tacos unless they’re making a good product.  However, a friend tried them and expressly forbade me to make the same mistake.  If someone has bad things to say about a fish dish, you should take their word for it, and I did.

Instead, I opted for the Motz Burger.  I asked if the Motz Burger came with mozzarella cheese, and I was told, “No.”  I then asked if the Motz Burger came with apple sauce, and I was told, “No.”  I then asked why it was called the Motz Burger, and I was told, “Because it just is.  I don’t know why.”

I was getting excited already.

I got my burger with American cheese on a crappy bun that was falling apart.  I bit into it to guarantee that it had just about no flavor whatsoever, and then I went to the “fixins bar” to apply chipotle ketchup and spicy horseradish mustard in hopes of saving it.  The result was a piece of meat on a rapidly disintegrating bun that tasted like chipotle ketchup and spicy horseradish mustard.  I’d call it an upgrade over McDonald’s.

Man, that looks so appealing.

If I stared at this every day, I probably never eat again.

Somebody should tell this Motz guy that he's accidentally created the perfect way to lose weight.  It's not every day I get a burger so "good" that it makes me crave fruit and vegetables.

I DJ-ed some more before finally busting out the apple I had hidden for emergency situations like this one.

An apple never tasted so great.

[alltheshitiate]

8/25/10 - Best. Greek Food. Ever.

This was going to be an epic day of eating, so I’m gonna get right down to business.

Lunch started with a salad of baby spinach, juicy beefsteak tomatoes, yellow bell pepper, parmesan reggiano, and my herb-dijon vinaigrette.  As you can see, the yellow bell pepper was more of a hybrid that resembled a purple pepper, so it wasn’t that great.

I then had two of these Digestive Biscuit things that were leftover from my dinner party.

To my surprise, they had a little bit of sweetness and weren’t bad at all.  Don’t ask me what they did for my digestion because I have no idea.  As far as I’m concerned, a biscuit is a biscuit is a biscuit.

Not long after that, I had a couple of golden plums and some smaller…not so golden plums.

What the Hell are normal plums called?  Regular plums?  Anyway, the golden ones were much sweeter.

And then a couple of hours later, I was still hungry, so I did something stupid.  I’d had this crushed up pack of Oreos sitting in my pantry that were leftover from the hospitality bag from my cousin’s wedding, and since I hate wasting food, I ate them.

As you can see, I was none too happy with myself over this.  This is the kind of crap I don’t ever buy, but if it’s sitting in my pantry, it’s unfortunately fair game.  Ugh.

Now, on to the good part.

One of the ways that I make my…“living”...(pause for laughter)...and I’m using that term loosely, is through freelance writing.  A friend of mine runs a great business helping to revamp and design websites for health and wellness counselors, so I serve as one of her copywriters.  Occasionally, she come across other projects that need our assistance, and when a new Greek restaurant in Queens contacted her for help, I shot up both of my hands, jumped up and down, and pouted until she agreed to let me work on the project.  On this night, we went to the restaurant for a chef’s tasting, so we could get a feel for the food.

Unfortunately, I cannot reveal the name of the restaurant until we finalize our contract with them, although I expect that to happen soon.  However, if you are dying to know the name of this place, send me your email address through the “Ask Me a Question” prompt at the top of the page, and once I’m allowed to reveal it, I will send you an email with the name and address.  Regardless, I’m going to be eating at this place a lot, so this won’t be the last you hear about it.

And for tax purposes, I believe I am supposed to admit that this meal was on the house, so Uncle Sam, don’t even think about hunting me down to collect payment.  I don’t even have anything of value to offer you, aside from my DVD copy of This is Tom Jones, and I’ll fight you to the death before I relinquish that.

Enough chit-chat-- on to the food…

The meal began with a generous breadbasket.  I went for some olive foccacia and grilled pita with olive oil.

I should note that I have an inexplicable aversion to olives.  I consider it a major weakness, but I’ve tried over and over again to like olives with no success.  I also hate olive bread, but for whatever reason, the olives in this foccacia didn’t faze me in the least.  We were off to a good start.

Then came the mezze platter.

As you can see, the presentation was beautiful.  This was Greek food being taken to a new level.  The tzatziki was probably the best I’ve ever had with dill and capers gracing the cucumber-yogurt classic.  THE HUMMUS WAS ABSOLUTELY THE BEST HUMMUS I HAVE EVER HAD. Yes, you read that correctly.  You know I love hummus.  I am addicted to it.  I eat it almost daily.  I need it to survive.  Well, this hummus was brimming with flavor.  It was also the thinnest hummus I’ve ever had, which would probably be off-putting to some, but when the taste is this good, how can you complain?  The tarmosalata, loaded with fish roe, was also the best I’ve had.  The garlicky skordalia was delicious, and the eggplant-laden melitzanosalata was scrumptious.  This was a different take on the traditional, as it tasted more like the classic Russian “eggplant caviar” dish I know and love.

Then we moved on to some fresh seafood appetizers.

We had fluke and lobster with red onion, bell pepper, roe, and fried mint.  Outstanding.  To say that we were off to a great start was an understatement.

I normally hate chopped salads because I think they’re the hallmark of lazy cooking.  I don’t want you to sell me some salad that requires tons of cutting on my part.  It’s YOUR job to cut up those veggies.  Well, there were no complaints with this one, especially because it had lots of heirloom tomatoes, feta, bell pepper, radish, red onion, and homemade croutons.

Many people think the greatest Greek invention may be democracy, philosophy, or cartography, but they’re wrong.  The greatest Greek invention is haloumi cheese. 

Why is this cheese so magical?  You can put it on a grill, and it will become gooey and melt inside while developing a crust on the outside.  It’s like grilled cheese with no need for bread.  Everyone should try it before they die.

To cleanse the palette, we had salted watermelon and cherries.

What an interesting and very refreshing idea!

There were also lots of olives, but I couldn’t get excited about that.

Up next was a small crock of fish soup with orzo.  This isn’t the kind of thing I’d normally take a chance on, but it was surprisingly quite light without an overwhelmingly fishy flavor.

Then we moved on to grilled octopus, one of my favorite dishes in the pantheon of Greek cuisine.  I love smoky, charcoal-grilled exterior. This one was served with white beans, scallions, and tomatoes in a mini cast iron pan.

Speaking of mini cast iron pans, here was one with grilled prawns.  I believe there was a little tomato and caper in there, too.

            Now we had fried cheese.  I’m pretty sure this was fried haloumi and not feta, although I could be wrong.  It was very similar to a mozzarella stick and slightly different take on the Italian classic.  The breading was very light.

From here on out, it started to get a little crazy.  Yes, those are veal sweatbreads in a Greek fondue.  Melted cheese and thymus glands, brown paper packages tied up with strings…these are a few of my faaaaa-vor-ite things!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have entered the Meatapalooza part of the evening.  Everything was coming at me so quickly, and my stomach was nearing capacity.  I’m gonna tell you right now that I don’t remember what some of this stuff was, but I’ll try my best to recall it.  Above, I believe you see some air-dried beef and some thin slices of lamb with mustard seed.

Hmmm…maybe THAT’S the lamb on the right…or maybe it was beef.  Well, I remember that it tasted great.  On the left is a unique twist on dolmades.  Instead of using the traditional grape leaves to wrap the rice and filling, the chef used kale.  It didn’t have that briny taste that people expect from the dish, and that actually made it a little more palatable and light.  Me likey.

At least I can tell that these are roasted vegetables.

Greek meatballs!  Yum!

I believe this was fluke (or some sort of fish) covered in cucumber, radish, ginger, and maybe fennel.

Oh yeah!  Now we’re talking!  On the left is five-hour moussaka, the Greek version of lasagna, loaded with eggplant.  On the right are lamb chops with fried mint and sage and grilled lemon.

Don’t ask me what this fish was.  I’m officially lost and cannot believe I tried all of this food.

By now, I was bursting at the seams, yet dessert was still on the way.  I needed some digestive assistance, so I ordered a ginger ale.  I thought it was cool that they served it with lemon, lime, and orange slices.

Welcome to the absurd dessert board.  Again, I’m not gonna be able to recall everything here, but there are profiteroles, Greek doughnuts, baklava, strawberries and almonds, chocolate mousse, some sort of chocolate dealios… Oh, Hell, I give up.  I feel fat just looking at this.

But let’s save the best for last: a cinnamon milkshake.  Yes, I said a cinnamon milkshake!  This was quite amazing. I could see people driving to this place just to order it—it’s that good.

Overall, this was one of the best (and certainly among the most gluttonous) culinary experiences I’ve had.  It was also the best Greek food I’ve ever tasted.  You can bet your ass that I will be going back again and again and again.

[alltheshitiate]

8/24/10 - Accidental Vegetarianism

The morning began with a sweet and tasty breakfast of donut peaches with melted praline topping.

Was it healthy?  Oh, Hell, no!  Was it wonderfully satisfying?  You bet your sweet ass it was!  I’m actually considering moving to a warmer climate so I can have a donut peach tree in my backyard.  These fruits are just so loaded with great nutty flavor that I need them year-round.

Somehow that tided me over for 5 hours, so I had a 4:00 “lunch” that began with the hallowed yellow bell pepper from my garden and some Tribe Forty Spices Hummus plus some Tribe Cucumber Dill Hummus.

It hurt to have to cut into and eat my masterpiece, the crowning achievement of my gardening, but it had to happen eventually.

I followed that up with some Guiltless Gourmet Baked Blue Corn Tortilla Chips and Desert Pepper Trading Company Black Bean, Corn, and Roasted Red Pepper Hummus.

I’ll never turn down this combo.

Inexplicably, that was enough food to last me until it was a quarter-to-midnight.  Then I broke out the cheese.

I took down the sharp cheddar, and I attacked the parmesan reggiano with aged balsamic vinegar.  It all made for a fine midnight snack.

But no, I was not finished yet.

Clearly, I had not eaten enough food, so I made a little caprese salad, sans cheese.  (I’d had enough of that.)

Don’t let the shimmer on this poorly shot picture fool you.  It wasn’t a dream.  It was real.  I snacked on Roma tomatoes, Sungold tomatoes, fresh basil, and aged balsamic vinegar at midnight.

And I loved it.

Hey wait a sec-- I just realized that I unwittingly ate nothing but vegetarian food all day!  I deserve a gold star for that...or at least a Get Out Of Guilt For Gorging On Meat card.  And to be perfectly honest, when you see what I ate the following day, you'll know I really needed that card.