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The universal constant of younger siblings doing whatever they can to annoy the snot out of the eldest. Alas. Look at their smug faces. They’re so proud.

Too proud.

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A long time ago…

Bruce, walking into the kitchen: Ack! My eyes! They burn!

Dick, just trying to eat his waffles: Shut up! *rolling his eyes and pouting*

Bruce: I know it’s free dress day at school, but damn

Dick: You just don’t understand my fashion genius!

Bruce: *deadpan* You don’t have any, which is exactly why I made sure you went to Gotham Academy.

Bruce: They have a uniform

Dick, shoving two pancakes in his mouth and choking slightly: *muffled* I don’t need this.

Bruce: You’re wearing neon green and electric blue. I’m the one who doesn’t need this.

Dick, turning around with his eyes narrowed: Ya know, people think I’m cool!

Bruce, reaching over and pinching Dick’s cheek: Of course they do, I think you’re the coolest, you know that. *peppers Dick’s cheek with kisses*

Bruce: *smirking* But the clothes you choose to wear are atrocious.

Dick, struggling out of Bruce’s hold: I’m staying after school for one of my clubs! Don't pick me up!

Bruce: Ooh, is it one of your many nerd clubs?

Dick: That’s rich coming from you! Mister Greatest Detective

Bruce: Oof! *clutching chest* Right in my heart! My own child! My flesh and blood! How you wound me so!

Dick, unable to stop himself from laughing: Bye, Bruce! Love you!

Bruce: Love you too! Make good choices

Dick: I will not!

Bruce: Yeah, obviously. What was I thinking? *goes to eat breakfast*

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I‘m not immune to SuperBat………

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Tim: Kon is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do? Cassie: Punch him in the stomach, then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him. Stephanie: Tackle him. Bart: Kick him in the shin. Kon: NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.

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Kon: Tim and I are dating! Bart: Aw, who confessed? Tim: I did. I made it short and sweet. Kon: You stood on the roof and yelled "listen here you little shit I have feelings for you and you better start acknowledging them!" Tim: It worked though.

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late at night

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Teacher: Mr Wayne, thank you for coming in. We need to talk about Damian’s family tree project. Firstly, he is claiming his mother is Talia al Ghul, the renowned terrorist.

Bruce: Ah, yes, well she is.

Teacher: I'm sorry? You and her... None of my business. Now he claims his grandfather, uh, Ra's... He claims he is 687 years old. That can't be right.

Bruce: It's not. Me and him are in a disagreement about it. I think Ra's is only 679 but you know what Damian’s like.

Teacher: I... I guess so. Now in this section he did on his siblings, he has included Jason Todd, which I thought was very sweet of him only he. Well, he gives him one birth and death date and then he includes a 'rebirth' date and when I asked him about it... Mr Wayne, are you alright?

Bruce: *tearing up* He listed all his siblings. Even Tim!

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Bouys.

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These four idiots (they're not idiots, they're smarter than I'll ever be)

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Something I do to irritate my younger sibling is to just casually and intentionally get their age wrong, and I feel like that's something that the batfam would do to Damian. Such as:

The batfam is getting interviewed after a fight or something.

Reporter: Aren't you worried about Robin? He's a bit young to be fighting crime, isn't he?

Dick: Yeah, he may be four, but he's a tough kiddo.

Damian: I'm thirteen.

-

Damian: May I accompany you to the movies?

Dick: Aw sure, Damian!

Jason: They won't let him in.

Damian: Pardon?

Jason: It's a horror movie. You're like negative six years old. They won't let you in.

Damian: I will murder you.

-

Duke: Dude go to bed. It's way past your bedtime.

Damian: Your hypocrisy is infuriating.

Duke: There's a difference! I'm 17! You're still a growing three year old!

Damian: I'M NOT THREE!

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Fuck it *washes your robins

Hanging them out to dry…

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"You're so silly!" Dick would say, this wide eyed, cute little kid doing backflips on top of The Riddler's tied up body. "So funky, sooo goofy!"

And Bruce would nod very solemnly. "Yes. We are so so silly. Now please help me defuse this active bomb, thank you, sweetheart."

And to this day, 'silly' has been embedded into Batman's vocabulary. Flash wants to stop an alien invasion by running circles around the space ship like a hedgehog? What a silly plan that absolutely won't work. Damian almost falls off a building trying to catch and domesticate a pigeon? Stop being so silly, Dami, before you hurt yourself. Jason literally dies? It's okay. It's okay. He was just being silly. Accidents happen. He'll come home soon, right as rain. He's always been silly like that.

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my weird infatuation with dead gay fictional wizards has led me to places i wouldn’t even go to with a gun

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I think people get the “Bruce dancing like a stripper in the Iceberg Lounge” situation all wrong. The batkids won’t die of embarrassment because that’s their dad. They’ll die of frustration because they will never, ever be able to make Bruce feel embarrassed about it.

Do you really think the man who would strip and bust it down for the secret identity has the capacity to feel shame? Exactly.

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Drag - Jegulus - @into-the-jeggyverse - Word count: 381

“It's just ridiculous, that's all I'm saying!” Regulus huffed, throwing his arms in the air.

“Babe, we saw that film a month ago, let it go.” James chuckled, as he tried to placate his irate boyfriend.

“All I'm saying is, if you're going to put the effort into making the dinosaurs look scientifically accurate, then you should at least make their traits accurate as well!”

They had been having this discussion every few days since they had watched the new Jurassic World movie and James was beginning to tire of it a little bit.

“Yes, dear.” James rolled his eyes and sighed and made to walk away.

“Don't you bloody yes dear me James Potter, you were the one who dragged me to see that film.” Regulus huffed again as he crossed his arms.

“You didn't seem to mind so much when one Mr Jonathan Bailey appeared on the screen, especially with those glasses you had been going on about.” James retorted.

“Yes, well, he's an excellent actor.” Regulus stated. “And don't think I didn't clock your reactions every time Mahershala Ali came on the screen.

“He's both hot and an excellent actor, so sue me!” James smirked.

The two of them stared silently at each other for a minute, before James spoke again.

“Okay, here's the deal.” He walked towards Regulus, where he was still sitting on the sofa and crouched down in front of him. “You get 5 more seconds to complain about this movie and then I never want to hear another word about how Spinosaurus wouldn't have been able to swim out to the same depths as the Mosasaurus.”

“They just couldn't!” Regulus whined.

James leaned forward and kissed Regulus on the tip of his nose, Regulus twitched under him. James pulled back only a few millimetres. “Yes, dear.” He whispered, then dove backwards to avoid the punch to the arm Regulus was ready to throw.

James shook his head as he laughed and went into the kitchen to start dinner, thankful that this debate/moaning was finally over.

Or so he thought.

As he started pulling pots from the cupboard, he heard Regulus on the phone.

“...bone density, that's what I said!”

James decided then and there to never take Regulus to the cinema ever again.