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THE FIRST HEARTBREAK: A REFLECTION ON THE FILM PRAYERS FOR BOBBY

MASTERLIST

The worst pain a child can feel is when their own parents hurt them. By the hurtful things a parent says, the child becomes unsure if they are loved by their parents. This eventually leads to the child feeling various negative emotions to the point it drains their mental health. Their self-esteem would become low, feel unconfident, unmotivated, and insecure. It is a type of heartbreak that no other relationships can compare and it would lead to a childhood trauma that would affect the child until he/she grows. Nothing hurts more than having to deal with parental issues.

This was similar to what Bobby Griffith experienced, who was deeply hurt that even led to suicide brought to the lack of support from his mother from his sexuality. Prayers for Bobby is a drama film directed by Russel Mulcahy. It was based on Leroy Aarons’ book with the title: Prayers For Bobby: A Mother’s Coming to Terms With the Suicide of Her Gay Son. The movie revolves around the life of Bobby Griffith, a gay teenager, who was a son of a committed Christian named Mary Griffith. Prayers for Bobby is a film that shows the struggles of a child who was unsupported,  unaccepted, and mentally destroyed by their parents.

This emotional film demonstrated how a 20-year-old, Bobby who became depressed brought by his environment and the blind faith of his mother. Even though Bobby moved out and lived with his cousin, his mother’s words still lingered with him until he left the world with her words, “I won’t have a gay son.”. Bobby Griffith was gay, but Mary Griffith, his mother was very opposed to his sexuality and forced him to become straight with faith. After his death, Mary began to reflect on her faith and what happened to her son. In the end, she understood her son and by then, she advocated for the gay community.

Moving along, the three themes that I think were important in this film were: Sexuality, Parental Issues, and Depression. To begin with, the theme sexuality, it revolves around with Bobby’s sexuality being gay and being unaccepted by it. Bobby had difficulties with his mother understanding his sexual orientation. He was eventually forced to attend counseling and turn to God so that Bobby could ‘heal’ because his mother thought he was sick. She also placed bible verses all over his room and called homosexuality a sin.

Eventually, it resulted into having parental issues, the second theme. It is preferably mommy issues. Because of how his mother treats him after finding out Bobby was gay, it created a broken bond between them. Parental issues can have damaging effects on a child. It happened to Bobby when he and her mother had a conflict in terms of his sexuality which resulted in a stray of their relationship as a mother and son.

Lastly, depression, After all, Bobby went through with his mother, it was no surprise that events made him depressed. Depression is a persistent feeling of sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness, this can be seen in Bobby. There was a scene where he moved away from his house and lived with his cousin, but he was still depressed because the pain and unacceptance from his mother still hurt him all the time. I chose depression as one of the themes because it was another “battle” that Bobby had to face other than his mother’s rejection of him.

The movie reminds me of my grandmother, who stood as a mother figure for me, and how hurtful her words can be. I recalled an incident where I accidentally dropped a glass that was not even used and was already old. I was scolded too much. I know her anger was valid, but her words were too hurtful, and say that I have not done anything good in our house. Days later, my aunt also accidentally broke a saucer and it was the only one left with the design it has. I was surprised and disappointed when my grandmother brushed it off. It felt unfair to me because I received cursed words when I broke a glass, while my aunt only received “Oh, okay.”. If I was the one who broke that plate, I would not receive the same treatment, I thought.

My grandmother’s unfair treatment still continues to happen and it affected my self-esteem. Her words stab like a knife. There are other things that happened besides breaking a plate, but all I wanted to point out was how my grandmother hurt me because of her having favorites and how she thinks she’s always right. She never understands that I get tired too. I do respect her, but sometimes I think she is one of the causes of my drained mental health aside from the relationship I have with my father.

Moreover, I have learned that a parent-chilhood relationship is an important part of the development of a child. It is important that the parent would be actively involved with the life of their child/children and be supportive of them. It is true that parents can influence children and it can be a long-term problem for the child to deal with and eventually the child would have to heal from it.

I hope my parents would know how to adjust and understand me, like how I would do it to them as well.

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CHAOS & HARMONY (EDITORIAL)

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Albert Capunitan (Harmony) & Raymond Rick Adan Almonte (Chaos) 2022

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The Way You Care

MASTERLIST

It is always a new experience when I am with her.

Mommy Marj is my grandmother from my mother’s side. She is the most hard-working woman I have ever seen, aside from Mama (grandmother from father’s side). She works at PLDT and has currently opened a new business. Though she is my grandmother, there is yet for me to learn about her.

All my life I have been living on my father’s side of the family and I am mostly raised by my Mama. I was unsure what happened with my mother because I was young when she left. But, when I was six years old, I met her. At that time, I was unsure of who she was because my father never mentioned of her before, but she told me I was her Lola. It was before Christmas when she came to my house and invited me to their home. She gave me a toy called Paradise Series and I happily played it with my second oldest brother. After that day, I continuously met them and I also met my oldest brother, which made my life more sensible.

After years passed by I learned something from my brothers. They call her Mommy. It was quite new for me to have someone call their grandmother what you call your own mother. I am still quite getting used to it—though for now, I call her Mama, like how I call my grandmother (father's mother). She also calls me anak, whilst I am used to being called apo by my father’s parents. But, it does not bother me because it felt special. Moreover, it touched my heart after knowing that Mommy Marj has my birthday on her calendar. It made me feel that she really does care about me, despite not being raised by her or having any closeness whatsoever. Whenever my birthday arrives, she would call me and bring me cake or ask what my father and grandmother prepared for my birthday. I always feel thankful for having such a caring grandmother like her.

We went to Nagcarlan this year, after my recognition in eleventh grade. They had a farm there and we were to stay there for three days. In those days, I learned a lot from her–personality-wise. She is a very positive person. She also listens to K-pop and pop music. I was also surprised to see that she enjoys rap music too. She is the very opposite of Mama, and I loved every bit of it. I also found out that she speaks Bisaya and she speaks it with their helper. I wanted to ask her if she could teach me some, but I was too shy. On the other hand, she also made an effort to set up an inflatable swimming pool so we could freshen up from the heat. I admired her for all of that. I once wrote an entry in my journal with lists of goals that I would like to accomplish this year. One of those is to become more close with her. I reckon that the universe listened because she opened a new stall at the end of our street, which helped me to spend time and help her with her business. She was selling her preloved clothes and some Christmas decorations. I go there every weekend and do anything yhat could help her. She always greets me with a happy face and it makes my day even better.

When we were assigned a task to draw for our character sketch, I knew it would be a perfect gift to give to Mommy Marj this Christmas. I used her profile picture as a reference. It was apparently an old picture of her. As I look into it, her features have not changed at all. She had the same hair, the same smile, and the same aura. I wish I could grow old like her. Her Facebook bio also says, “A lover of the finer things in life…��, which explains everything about her. A very admirable person.

Indeed, Mommy Marj proves to me that lolas are the best.

I am so thankful to her for the day when she reconnected with me when I was six years

old. She filled all the roles that my mother never complied to, even to my brothers. Because of it,

I promise to spend more time with her until her bones weakens and when her memory begins to

fade. I will also make her proud when I become a psychologist and a lawyer.

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Youth Is Wasted On The Inside

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The day I heard classes were suspended for almost a week brought relief for me back then. I spent those days with ease and thought, “Finally, a four-day rest!”. I was all smiley and delighted to have a break from school… not until that “four-day suspension” lasted for two years. While I was at the beginning of my youthful age when the Coronavirus disease (COVID-19) started, I was rather locked and isolated instead of feeling the “I wish it could stay like this forever”. You know, being a teen forever, but instead, I had my overall well-being affected by the lockdown. I thought: Is this how I am going to spend my whole youth, locked inside my house?

Spending my teenage years to the fullest was one of my goals to ever achieve. Going to prom, going on a retreat trip and a field trip, and graduating junior high school with my former classmates were some enjoyable events that could add to my youthful years. I remember being excited for those days to come and I was planning ahead with my friends in school about what we’ll do when it happens. I wanted something memorable, just like those teen films. All I wanted was good times before I go to my senior year in high school and college.

As the pandemic came, I knew those moments would not occur, although there was a slight bit of hope remaining inside of me that everything would go back to normal when I enter the tenth grade. But, I was too gullible to think that such a disease would go away quickly and it made me depressed as time passed by. As I wait for the pandemic to end, I felt lost because everything changed, not in the way I wanted it to be. I thought waking up every 5 A.M. to go to school was the worst thing that I would go through, but coping in the midst of the pandemic beats it.

As I look back during the lockdown, I can’t help but think ways of how I can distract myself from boredom. I mean, we all had to and it was the hardest part for me because I am not consistent with hobbies–I also had limited resources to find one and my interest disperses because of it. I became more pressured rather than my school deadlines and exams. I have realized that this was probably the reason why I am too lazy to try new things out because I know I would give up too easily and I started to think if there was something wrong with me. Hence, it is also the reason why I spent most of my time on my phone–being online–all day and night.

At some point, doing all of these is a reassurance to myself that I don’t have to be like everyone else. I learned that I was pressured by social media to have a hobby because I saw everyone on TikTok working out, painting, sewing, reading, etc... I realized that I do not need to force myself to have a hobby–rather I need to focus on myself–what makes me enjoy life again. A way that It opened my mind in ways that taking care of myself was much better than anything else.

Eventually, my coping system was: I had to be outside. It is a way how I can handle my well-being over this whole phenomenon. I realized that I needed to be in a new environment every once in a while in order for my energy levels to heighten. I discovered that I like going to new places when my grandmother once told me to buy something from 7-11. I walked around for two hours around our area and I felt content when I got home that I had to write in my journal about the places I went to. Therefore, I figured that it is important for me to be in a place where it is not my house because I have been inside for too long and my mind wanted something new.

I believe that staying all the time at home can affect the mental health of people that it became an emotional trauma. Ever since COVID-19, everyone had no choice but to isolate in their own homes, which also restricted social interactions. Most of the people would only go outside for work or tasks to accomplish. It resulted to individuals increased percentages of depression and anxiety because of being only at home. According to BBC News, young ages were more affected from the impacts brought by the pandemic.

It came along with unwanted changes. Many teenagers have acquired social anxiety. It became hard for me to make friends because of being used to being alone at home and uneasiness builds up as face-to-face classes begin to initiate during this year. It is hard for me who is already shy, who become more shy because of isolation. In fact, it became a stress factor for socialize because it was something I was not used to do doing after being only at home. The changes were challenging.

Furthermore, a state of feeling lost is also a struggle for me. Many people think that time shifted during this pandemic. I did too, as I was mostly doing nothing all day; watching the time past by; study; and sleep. It was such a struggle to make something out of your time for the day, but to no avail it was also a struggle to do something. While for others, they had the luxury to keep themselves busy, but for me, it was challenging, especially when my enjoyments were outside of my home.

Being isolated at home brought unwanted circumstances and the challenge of feeling lost. It personally affected me in ways that it is hard to bring back the old me. I am not close to my old friends anymore and I started to become out of touch with my emotions.

With all of these occurrences, I can’t help rely on imaginations. I had to romanticize the remaining time of my teenage years because the pandemic robbed me from it. But, I do know that: You are trying. I am trying. We are all trying–to fill this emptiness in our supposed “most enjoyable” year of our lives.

As I went through this topic, I thought: healing the youth from the impacts brought by the pandemic can lessen the mental health issues that they face. There is acknowledgement to these issues, but a lack of action in it. This essay is a glimpse of the life of the youth in the midst of the pandemic and the struggle of coping in the “new normal”. I am calling out for schools and officials to provide free therapies and counseling for children. Mental health is a human right.

I conclude, to heal from emotional trauma caused by the pandemic should be included in the “new normal”.

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Entry #17

MASTERLIST

Dear Diary, Naiinggit ako sa mga taong kaedad ko na alam ang gusto nila. Naiinggit ako sa mga bata kaclose ang mga magulang nila. Naiinggit ako sa mga batang buo pa ang magulang nila. Naiinggit ako sa mga batang kaedad ko na masaya. O tadhana, ipinanganak ba ako para masaktan? Maawa ka, bata lang rin ako. Bawat daan ng minuto at segundo, iniisip ko kung kakayanin ko pa ba ito.

Dear Diary, Ang hirap pala tumanda, ano? Tila masyadong mabilis ang pagdaan ng mga lampara sa kalsadang ito. Ngunit hindi ako pwedeng tumigil dahil mad-dead end ako. O mundo, iparanas mo naman ako ng pulang ilaw sa malubak na daan na ‘to. Pahinga kahit isang saglit lamang. Dear Diary, Kung pwede lang, babalik ako sa edad ng pito. Yung mga panahong masaya pa ako. Yung mga panahong masigla pa ang tawa ko. Sa edad pa lang ng labimpito, pagod na ako. Pero, wala nga palang u turn sa totoong buhay. Sa mabuting palad na lang ‘ata ako nakasalalay. Dear Diary, Bakit ba masakit ang realidad? Hindi ba madaya para sa isang bata mamulat ng maaga sa realidad? Dahil ang daya sa parte ko. Ang pagod at hirap at iyak at sakit ay damang-dama ko. Maawa ka mundo, bata lang rin naman ako. Dapat masaya ako. Dapat ineenjoy ko ang buhay ko.

Ngayon ako'y isang kumukurap na poste na naghahanap nang mag-aayos sa akin. Poste na nais maibalik ang dating liwanag na kanyang binuga. Dear Diary, Ang gusto lang naman ko lang naman ay sumaya.

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The Concept Series #9922: A Reflective Paper on the Anthology, “Lockdown Litanies: Countless Untold Stories”

MASTERLIST

I found a quote online from Maya Angelou, she said: “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Writing is such a powerful tool. Connecting with people through words is the most amazing invention of humans I could think of. But to write a story, you must need this important element in your creation. A concept. And, what is a concept you might ask? Well, it gives the idea and rundown of what your story is about. But what makes a concept great? If you think simply, your life itself is already a good story to tell. I hope with this paper, YOU can start to make a story of your own to share with people! With that, let us dive together into different experiences of each poem in this anthology that reflects real-life stories.

As I read the first poem, “Dear Diary,” it seemed as if the author was writing a letter to themselves through a journey, like a writing therapy. The author was writing about their slump where they felt stuck, lost, and depressed after an incident. This is evident in the line, "A part of me died. Over two years I froze inside." Reading this poem made me realize that we can't just be stuck in one situation forever, we have to keep moving. Just like the author realized in the second to the last stanza. The line goes, "Move away and discover a world on my own." and it shows having to change and grow because he or she has to. The world is constantly moving and one has to accept the things that occurred in their life. I can relate this poem to a beautiful song “Sign of the Times” by Harry Styles. Although the song has a connection to childbirth, I personally see the song as a message to move on and accept the way things are. Especially in the lines “Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times.” and “We gotta get away from here.” I saw the author in these lines who had dealt with a lot of tragedies but still chose to lift themselves up and that, is the beauty of this poem.

Moving along to the second part which is “The Tale of a Modern Sisyphus”. For this one, it was very evident that this poem was about the Philippine elections this year of 2022. I know that many people were distraught after the results, including me. As a positive person, I am rather thankful for believing in a leader who served wholeheartedly and has never changed up until now. The lines that describe her were “Holy! Haven’t seen a woman who’s clearly a ten—”, “Not defined by her defeat, but of being gracious—Gracious to push the boulder up the mountain” and “And start once again like nothing happened.” because it shows how she is fighting hard for us citizens to have a well-off life because she knows we Filipinos deserve it. The song I associate this song with is “Whatever It Takes” which is sung by Imagine Dragons where the song goes as a determined person who is willing to do anything to help its people to achieve their success, in which is expressed in the line “Whatever it takes. 'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins. I do whatever it takes. 'Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains. Whatever it takes. Yeah, take me to the top. I'm ready for whatever it takes.”

The third artwork is titled as “O’Yayi (A Prose Poem)”. It tells a story about Yayi’s husband narrating his life helping Yayi after a loss and spending time with her until her final moments. After reading this, I think it is true to say that your first love never dies. I only wish that Yayi's husband received the love he deserved from her. The line, “That spark in her eyes after saying his name.”, made me sympathize with the current lover’s sadness and doubts. It is like he is saying that Yayi never did that to him. This specifically reminds me of a song by Joji called “Glimpse of Us” covered by Wani Annuar where it is in the point of view of the current lover. Honestly, if I could, I would lay down a whole playlist for this poem. The lines from the cover “And I try to make you fall for my touch, but it takes you back to the way it was.” made me choose this song. It made me wonder if Yayi was truly passing time in her current lover’s arms to cope with her loss of Dante. It made me question stuff as: Did Yayi ever truly loved her husband? Did she see her husband as Dante? Was she trying to relive those feelings from Dante to her current husband? It must hurt to love someone who is still loving someone else. What Yayi and Dante probably had was incomparable and the current husband knows that. Though, it was kind enough for Yayi’s husband to fill up and I hope every woman can find someone like him.

The fourth poem “Two Red Laces on the Wonderwall,” gave me an insight of being able to find your true love. Though this poem might be sensual (as I’ve comprehended), it also shows lightning in your body when you finally found that person you’re looking for your whole life. The kind of person who you’re devoted to starting a new chapter with. I have realized that it will take time to find that person and it will eventually be incomparable to the other ones when you finally meet that person. This can be observed from the line that goes “And tried my luck with several men, But you felt like home, where I belong.” where the persona had failed relationships before meeting the right one. I hope someday that I will also find a person with whom I can feel that intimate connection and experience reciprocated love. I find the song much alike to this poem. I connected this poem to a song from Lee Hi called "Only" where the melody sounded like being in love. The song is about love that will last. The lyrics that made me choose this song for this poem were "La-la-la-la-la, I sing a song like this. With the one I was desperately looking for." because it is what I think that the persona felt.

Continuing with the fifth piece of poetry titled “Umbilical”. From the get-go I could already tell it is about a mother, specifically a mother’s love. It also hints at the mother getting old and being bedridden. The line “The bats shrieked outside, what I fear to be” directs to the author’s mother getting old. Also the lines, “The pain she suffered just for me to see.” and “Drained herself to save me from misery” really struck me about our mothers. They sacrificed a lot, physically and mentally just to give us a life. I also liked how “Lilom, Lilom, I beg. Spare her for me.” is repeated many times to show that losing a parent is hard and unacceptable where you wish they were immortal so that they can be by your side forever. I visualized this poem with my grandmother who pours it all just like the mother in this poem and I think there will never be a time that I’ll accept for her to go. With that, a tune by Sleeping At Last called “Light” mostly depicted the mother's love for the author. The line from the song “With every heartbeat I have left, I’ll defend your every breath.” made me connect this song to this poem and prove that a mother’s love is endless. In this song you could really feel the effort and being a parent and you can see that through the mother in this poem. To my grandmother, who stood as a mother figure, I, too, will do better.

Moving on, we now have the sixth poem which is RE: Paper (I’m Red, IMRaD)*. This poem describes the education in the Philippines and its low competitiveness which concerns the crisis in education of this country. It also puts the importance of the teachers being also affected by this crisis and it is evident in the line that says, "Why not allow teachers access quality to their extent?" With a new administration I hope there will be a light that will solve this problem. I believe that our education will be nourished if we continue to fight. here is a future that awaits ahead of us and the bare minimum for the government to do is to provide actions for these calls upon problems rising in education. Especially in this pandemic, everyone felt the impact of it on our schools and learning systems. The line that struck me from this poem was "Help teachers help students” because after all the administration should provide what we need in order to have the school function very well. Because of that, this prompted me to choose “Try Everything” by Shakira as the song for this poem because the lyrics “Birds don’t just fly. They fall down and get up.” reminds me of our teachers who continue to do their very best in spite of the lack of the government in giving them their needs because they do try everything to help their students reach their dreams. Thank you, teachers for being strong.

“3 A.M. Awakening.”, the seventh poem of this anthology. Upon reading this poem, I was entirely mesmerized by the line “Heaven spoke lies to me telling I’m sick.” The line meant that the persona or in my guess a nun, was giving up on what she does because it probably felt like a constant burden for her to continue. My take from this poem that the persona was forced to be someone she is not. I could not imagine being so overwhelmed and trapped in a place where you feel you do not belong and do the things that you thought would help you. This work of art made me feel sad and reflective of our society who also goes through the same. Another song by Twenty One Pilots called “Car Radio”. The song is about a Car Radio (metaphor for happiness) being stolen from the singer. I felt like that also happened to the persona and that’s why I had to put this song. The lyrics goes “I'm forced to deal with what I feel. There is no distraction to mask what is real. I could pull the steering wheel.” This line really felt like the situation of the persona in this poem and it made me sympathize more with the persona.

The beautiful eighth piece is titled as “My Frail Lady”. I have observed that his one is about suicide. You can tell by the first line. It goes, "Such frail, frail lady. Bookkeeps her internal screams." and it made me think that this lady is going through something. It tells a poetic story of a lady who struggled with internal hardships and it was inspired by the story of Evelyn McHale's tragic death. I have not been into depression, but I do know it is hard and after knowing the real story, it must be hard to mask what you truly feel. Especially to your loved ones. It must be hard to say that you're okay, when you're truly not. I hope whoever's struggling can reach out for someone and ease their pain. The only song that reminded me of this was “We Don't Believe What's On TV" by Twenty One Pilots, its lyrics goes “But I don't care what's in your hair, I just wanna know what's on your mind.” It refers to focusing on the mental aspect of the person, rather than the physical appearance. I wonder if the 'Frail Lady' was asked about her feelings.

We arrived at “Major Arcana" as the ninth and last piece for this anthology. It somehow mirrors our lives because we, as well, experience those stepping stones we need to get in order to reach that goal we want. Just like in this poem, the cards represent the people or experiences that will help the persona to their success. I often find myself in doubt with life, but this poem reassured me of worrying about my future. The poem had a concept of ‘journey’ in terms of life. This is evident in the lines: “Six years of adjustments await—”, “Picking the rubble of your fortress all alone, in chaos.”, and “And the likelihood after this storm is the Sun beaming upon you.” These lines show that after the storm, there is a rainbow. A song titled “Golden” by Brandon Beal reminded me very much of this poem where it shows going through a dark road and overcoming this, which leads to success in life. “You can be anything you wanna be. But nothing comes easily. You gotta do what you gotta do, yeah.” was the line from the song.

Finishing this anthology was a journey and I wish I could read more countless stories from the author. I was able to indulge myself in different concepts that touch the emotions. This anthology not only enlightened me about the effectiveness of good concepts, but also the use of right words and representations of that concept to engage the audience more. With that, I hope that I can make great stories like the author. Let us not get tired and continue to use our own imagination to its’ extent to create an endless amount of stories.

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꒰ᥕᥱᥣᥴ᥆꧑ᥱ t᥆ ꧑ᥡ bᥣ᥆g꒱

WRITTEN WORKS:

✎ Song Association

✎ Spoken Word Piece

✎ Kabataan Essay

✎ Character Sketch

✎ Fashion Article

✎ Reflective Essay

SELF RELATED:

✩ ABOUT ME